How proactive has your OH been through your pregnancy?

[Pinky333777]

Hi.
B
This might just come across as a big whinge about my partner, lol, but I am curious to find out how involved others OH's have been.

My OH has been to the important appointments with me like the scans and previous midwife appts.
He's now decided there's no need to accompany me to any future mw appointments.
I can see why and I don't mind going on my own.
That's one thing.
But...what I'm finding a tad frustrating is that he's not really done anything so far to prepare for our arrival.
I've made the lists of things we needed and organised the gifts we've received, started a 'baby fund' to save while I'm still working.
I've bought a few other bits like clothes, changing mat, nappies etc too.
Yesterday, while I was making some more baby purchases it occurred to me that this isn't just my responsibility, so I asked my partner to choose and buy an outfit for baby, maybe some vests/sleepsuits and a toy. Whatever he fancied.
The point being I wanted him to get more actively involved in the preparation.
He called me earlier to ask if we can buy those things together because he's worried he'll get the wrong things 😞
Am I wrong to expect him to show any initiative at all with the nesting?
At the begining of the pregnancy he asked if there was anything he could do for me, to help.
I told him just be there, maybe make nice gestures like occasional flowers/chocs. Or offer to run me a bath or cook us dinner.
None of those things have materialised either.
It's like the intention and caring bit is there but the productive thought and action isn't 😀
I really don't want to become that nagging wife needing to prompt for everything, but leaving him to it isn't working!

How are your OH's?
Do they seem to know what's needed to be done and do it? Or do they (like mine) seem to need a bit of a poke in the behind? 😊😊😊

I've just realised I may have been a tad unfair... he did set up and check over the buggy when it arrived.
However I had asked him to 😃

@scoutcat really? They are absolutely boring 'health check' like appointments. I arrange my midwife appointments through their clinic at a local library and have never seen a man waiting with a partner. On the rare occasion I would arrange through the drs I occasionally see a partner but I'd always thought most women go alone. He's a hands on Dad but I don't need to have my hand held while I'm having my blood pressure taken. I don't see the point of him coming. Fair enough if others feel different or if midwives think it's 'odd'

Husband was a lot more involved with the first. This time round he has come to maybe 1 mw appointment but all my scan and consultant appointments. Bug purchases like pushchair, furniture and room decorating we have done together but everything else I have done just myself and showed him. We're both fairly happy with this arrangement. He wouldn't know what to buy really. However I must say, I'm now in hospital and unexpectedly having the baby early and he's finished all the buying and packing off for me and doing a fab job. Nesting is so different for men. For us it's a hormonal trigger. For my husband as soon as our first was born he went into super dad mode. Didn't stop cleaning for weeks!

@georgie262 I agree with you, really surprised that some people think it's odd for husbands/partners not to come to MW appointments. My appointments usually lasted 10-15 mins and DH works 40 mins away from our GP practice, honestly what would be the point in him wasting annual leave to take time off and come to watch urine be tested? Much more valuable once baby is born and you're sleep-deprived and knee-deep in sick.

@georgie262 I also have my appointments in a library and the one occasion I've seen another woman, she was with her husband. I know the appointments are pointless so I've asked at which ones I will definitely need to give blood and THEY'RE the ones my partner will come to in the future. But some women are different and like their partners there.

Just thought it was odd you couldn't even IMAGINE a man being at a midwife appointment.

I guess some women like their husbands there at the dentist, or if they've got a docs appt for something else too. Fine if you've got some issue with eg blood tests. I guess I just don't like the suggestion that attending appointments unnecessarily means you're a more proactive partner or better dad to be!

@scoutcat fair enough, between 'imagine' and 'DH' I probably should have put 'my' 🙄

Do dads go to midwife appointments? There were never men in the waiting room when I was pregnant waiting to see midwife. Dads seem to only to scans around here.

Neither me or my dh bought any clothes or nappies or any baby stuff before because we were inundated with gifts (first grandchild on both sides though!)

We chose pram, carsest, cot and Moses basket together.

He organised selling our old car and buying a new family car (as our previous car was an impractical 3 door)

I sorted all prenatal vitamins/buying nursing pads/maternity pad etc

Thank you @pinky that sounds like a really useful experience for you both. I might ask my DH if he’d like to attend one appointment during the pregnancy just in case he has any questions.

Right after I told him I was pregnant he came home with a child proof lock for the oven

He comes to most of my appointments but that's because he has to drive me there so makes sense for him to come in too as he needs to drive me back afterwards but he's also asked the midwife some questions and things like that.

I think he's 'nesting' now as he's suddenly decided to put in new electrical sockets around the house (he's an electrician and our house is old and the sockets are probably deadly to a curious crawling baby) so he's getting rid of them and putting in new grounded ones up out of reach of future crawling baby. And insisted I get the hospital bag packed ready.

No way he'd get involved with buying baby clothes and that kind of thing though, he leaves that to me and I'm happy with that.

@daisy91 surprising why? Is this your first pregnancy for any chance? I think it’s weird when OHs attend midwife appointments because it’s for her, not him. It’s to do with her personal health and quick checks on baby, but if there was anything wrong then the midwife wouldn’t diagnose it anyway so it’s completely pointless for him to be there. I think it should be encouraged for women to go alone so that they can speak more freely about anything personal rather than keeping it OH-friendly

Bigbaboon. It’s not weird, it’s their baby too.

I wouldn’t have gone alone, especially to the first one at 8 weeks. I’m happy to discuss medical things in front of him though whereas I understand some women might not be..

Each to their own :) As long as you feel supported that’s all that matters.

At 27 weeks I hadn’t bought a thing for a baby, so I can’t sit in judgement on your OH for that.

Honestly I’d barely managed to cobble together some babygros and a pack of wipes by the birth.

Doesn’t mean I don’t care.

My DH didn't come to all the MW appointments once we realised they were a five min routine chat and he had to be sent out of the room for part of it anyway so that they could ask me if I was experiencing domestic violence....

We did shop and plan together (though I also bought some extra random babygros etc as impulse purchases).

Thank god it's not just my partner

Hes been with me to the important scans, not midwife appointments, dont expect him too.

But i have organised clothes, the pram, clothes etc he just goes with the flow and leaves things to me. It would be nice for him to have more initiative but i think it's men in general. They let us take over and do it all.
Still frustrating though

I guess some women like their husbands there at the dentist, or if they've got a docs appt for something else too. Fine if you've got some issue with eg blood tests. I guess I just don't like the suggestion that attending appointments unnecessarily means you're a more proactive partner or better dad to be!

It is actually a red flag for m/w if the partner attends every appt. Which is why they will send them out so they can ask directly about domestic abuse etc. Some men might just be overenthusiastic, but often it's the controlling abusers who play the supportive role while not letting their partner out of their sight or give them chance to talk to HP and get help...

Mine has come to all the scans not midwife cos not my point in him coming he is very supportive when comes to baby but doesn't seem to realize I need help around the house or that I feel shit myself.

@Firstchild7 I had to spell it out to my DH Inthink because I've not moaned much and that it's my third pregnancy he's not realised I've struggled - he bucked his ideas up when I spelled out exactly what I needed from him - he needs a bit of guidance bless him 🙄

My husband only went to scans, as getting time off work was a nightmare. Didn't really need him to go to Mw ones though. They were so short most of them.
He also didn't really get involved with the buying of baby things, but I think that's because I used to work in the nursery industry so he said he trusted me! Was good for me as I got to pick all the stuff- still do!
He's a very hands on Dad which is the most important thing, and he has bought our son a few bits and bobs he's seen and liked, such as clothes or toys.

Ps was also very considerate when I was pregnant. I was wrapped in bubble wrap!

I guess the important thing to take from this is that everyone's view of support and proactiveness is different and if you're not getting what you need from your partner then you can talk to them. Like my DH is a great husband and father, but I'd be totally baffled if he got super protective and wrapped me up in cotton wool when I'm pregnant. We're far too pragmatic and independent for that 😂. But if I needed something from him I'd tell him. Like discussing names etc - he didn't see the point in doing it too early but I just liked the fact that we could start actually thinking about our own baby.

@georgie262 I have a fue times but then get bored of nagging and give up but I think men just don't think about stuff like that

@reallyanotherone I agree - that's exactly what my midwife said at my first appointment, as I posted earlier in the thread.

Agree with the pp that it depends on what you personally need and want really. For some that's being wrapped in cotton wool, for others that's just having them put up with your hormonal rants.

DH has an important job and can't take time off for a 15 minute midwife appointment where I just get weighed and examined. He has attended the hospital scans though. He hasn't made much effort with buying baby stuff or researching things, but he's very busy and has spent any spare time he has on decorating the bedroom. He's busy providing for our family so I think it's reasonable for me to handle the other stuff.

Going to come across so smug here but my DH has been great, honestly. I couldn't have asked for more. I feel like we have put exactly equal time, effort, money and enthusiasm into this pregnancy.

At the beginning we sat down and made to-do lists and to-buy lists together and since then we've bought about half of the stuff for the baby each, usually showing the other one beforehand to check they like it too. He's really into buying baby clothes and toys and I joke that its almost like an obsession for him.

He's come to all my major appointments and scans apart from the little in betweeny midwife appointments that take literally minutes (straight forward, low risk pregnancy) and he's even arranged all the tours of the hospitals and things like that for me.

I think I'd be sorely upset if it had been any other way.

My OH is not interested in buying anything, he's only been to one scan and that was because I ended up in hospital with a kidney infection and he had to take the day off work anyway because he had to drive me to the hospital at 3 in the morning. He's self employed and works quite far away so he would have to lose a days pay to come to any appointments with me, I'm really not bothered to be honest. I would rather he go to work, we need the money more than I need him at my scans. My mum comes with me and she really enjoys being there to support me. We found the sex out together, but that was because I was already in hospital with the kidney infection and I was due my 20 weeks scan two days later, the ultra sound lady took pity on me and let me find out early!
Saying all this, my OH is extremely excited he's coming, kisses my belly, talks to him, feels my belly hoping for a kick. He asks how I am and then asks how he is every day. He tells me how much he can't wait to meet him.