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Original poster

Partners reaction :(

26 replies

Bashx · 18/12/2017 21:59

So I found out a week ago I'm 5 weeks pregnant.. I've told my partner who I thought was going to take it well.. at first he was panicking, I wanted him to know he had the option that he doesn't have to be involved if that's what he wanted. All he said was what type of person would that make him.. Each day I've asked him how he is and it's just getting worse. He's said it f'cked up his next 4-5 year plan (uni courses to become a lawyer). He's now saying it's just f'cked up his life.. I tried to tell him he does still have options, he doesn't have to be around or involved and he flipped saying his only choices are ones given by me, that it's clear it's all about what I want and that everyone else just has to fall in line....... what do I do??

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 18/12/2017 22:01

How old is He?

Greensky89 · 18/12/2017 22:01

He sounds very young

NewIdeasToday · 18/12/2017 22:03

You both sound very young. Have you got family you can talk to about your situation?

ijustwannadance · 18/12/2017 22:06

What he is basically saying is he wants you to terminate the pregnancy. He doesn't see a future with you or want you to have his child.

Should've thought of that before he had unprotected sex.

You don't seem that arsed if he's not around though? Did you want a baby?

Original poster
Bashx · 18/12/2017 22:06

We are young.. I'm 17, he's 18.. my parents are supportive enough. And so is his mum, his dad doesn't know yet but he won't be.. He has issues talking to people so even with his mum being supportive he won't talk to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Bashx · 18/12/2017 22:07

It's not that I don't want him around, it's just that he's struggling with it and if it's better for him to not be involved he needs to know that's okay..

We did have protected sex but even protected it still happens.. I didn't want a baby now, but now it's happened I do

OP posts:
Toasttea · 18/12/2017 22:08

I can imagine it's a massive shock for both of you but it sounds like it's not sunk in for him yet.

CrossFreelancer · 18/12/2017 22:09

It will be tough for him to do his course and be a dad at such a young age. But it's absolutely do-able.
You are both so young and have so much time in the future.
You seem sure you are ready and want this baby? It sounds like he would like you to have a termination, but doesn't want to say the words.

Original poster
Bashx · 18/12/2017 22:16

There is no possibility in my mind that I want or could cope with either an abortion or adoption.. Now this has happened, It's something I want and can manage

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 18/12/2017 22:25

I think the message you're giving him is a negative one. Instead of saying "You don't have to be involved," why not tell him he can still be a great, loving dad and that having the baby doesn't mean his dreams and ambitions are over? Neither are yours!
You're sort of pushing him out. Encourage him to do more, be more, go to uni, AND be a dad. It's tough, but it can be done.

1stX · 18/12/2017 22:29

Think about what you want and how you’ll manage. If this is something you feel you can do on your own then hats off to you, it’ll be hard but you can do it.
If he’s going to be a twat about it he’s going to just have to fit in around you and baby. He’s acting like a kid. He’ll either get over himself or wallow in self pity. That’s his problem not yours. Your responsible for you and baby, not him x

PurpleDaisies · 18/12/2017 22:35

I’d back off and give him time to deal with it. It probably has messed up his life plan and that’s a big thing. Obviously that doesn’t change the fact he’ll be responsible for providing child support for the baby when it’s born but if you’re only five weeks, you’ve got time to work that out.

You sound like you’re prepared to be a single mum. That’s probably the way to consider what’s the best way forward here.

PurpleDaisies · 18/12/2017 22:39

Just reading my post back-it sounds like I’m sticking up for him being mean to you which I’m not. I’m meaning to say you’ve got nothing to gain by keeping trying to talk him round. I’d back off and work out what you want to do alone-it’s entirely your decision and it’s geeat you’ve got family support around you.

peachesarenom · 18/12/2017 22:41

I think you sound super confident I bet you have loving parents and I'm so pleased they're being supportive.

It must be quite hard to accept that you might be in this without him but I totally respect the fact you know your own mind. I'd also find it difficult to abort/adopt but every woman has to make her own choice.

I agree with @TheVanguardSix that framing the options more positively would be a good idea. Ultimately, he has to decide what he wants/can cope with.

Sounds like he's wallowing a bit though!

You're clearly made of strong stuff! I feel inspired!

Original poster
Bashx · 18/12/2017 23:06

It's not that I was immediately negative with him.. When I first told him I knew it would be a lot for him and I let it to sink in.. Even when he started claiming it's going to mess up his immediate future I tried to be positive and try and help him to see that, yes it's not easy, but that we would manage.. It's just that he's not stopped telling me if he told me what he honestly thought it would upset me, he asked me 4 times whether I had properly thought about abortion, or even adoption to give it "the best life"..That it's messed up his life I thought I should try and give him a way out as such as it's clear he doesn't want this.. To let him know he isn't committed to this, that he does have options and it's okay for him to put himself first.. it just seems that either way doesn't work because to him ultimately it's my choice on whether or not I have this baby and am taking away his choices

OP posts:
peachesarenom · 18/12/2017 23:22

Oh dear!

Always remember it's your body your choice!

Don't let him pressure you. You have your support network.

1stX · 18/12/2017 23:25

He’s looking for an out and it’s easier to see you as unreasonable (even though you e been the absolute voice of reason here) it’s easier than admitting he’s a coward.
You both sound resolved in what you want. I hope he eventually sees your child as a blessing but if he doesn’t then he’s the one missing out x

Mrstobe90 · 19/12/2017 00:48

He sounds very immature.

Don’t let him blame you when he had an equal part in making this baby.

Lean on your family and take a step back from him until he starts acting like an adult.

NewIdeasToday · 19/12/2017 00:51

How is he the one missing out because doesn’t want all his life’s plans thrown out the window at 18?

If he does go through university then you’re unlikely to get any financial support from him for many years. How will you manage?

Original poster
Bashx · 19/12/2017 01:05

Financially I don't need any help from him, I wouldn't be asking him for anything anyway.. if he wanted to help because he wanted to be apart of it all then I'd accept it.. however as I don't need it I'm not forcing it out of him. I don't want his plans to be ruined, I want him to carry on and go to uni and do what's best for him

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 19/12/2017 02:15

Should've thought of that before he had unprotected sex. Contraception fails, you know!

iboughtsnowboots · 19/12/2017 02:21

His life plans are likely to be messed up I would imagine as are yours I would except. You are both very young and statistically unlikely to remain a couple if you are together at present. However he is right he doesn't get to make the choices at present and what kind of dad would he be if he walked away. It sounds like he knows what he has to do but pretty understandably does not want to. But he had sex and this is a risk of that activity. When the baby is born and he works out where he fits in it's life he will probably adjust and realize there are some positives as well as negatives, even if he can only see negatives at present.

PurpleDaisies · 19/12/2017 07:50

He’s looking for an out and it’s easier to see you as unreasonable (even though you e been the absolute voice of reason here) it’s easier than admitting he’s a coward.

He’s a coward because he doesn’t want to have a baby at 18? If the op had said she wanted a termination everyone would supporting her. It’s absolutely right that the op alone decides whether she keeps the baby and he shouldn’t be pressurising her but he is entitled to not want to keep the baby.

1stX · 19/12/2017 09:01

He’s a coward for making the decision all on her. He should man up and talk and not put the blame on her

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 19/12/2017 10:04

I think pp are being incredibly harsh. He's an 18 year old who has just had his life changed forever and he's had this news for a week. Of course he's panicking. Of course he's angry that life has dealt him this hand. But in a funny way he is saying the right things - he gets that ultimately this is OPs decision and that abandoning his child would make him a bad person. But if he does all the right things, the next few years are going to be hard in a way that he would never have imagined - for both of them.

I can't tell if the OP is being incredibly brave or incredibly naïve - probably a bit of both. But I think OP's partner's reaction is an entirely normal one.

When I was a trainee solicitor in London, there was another trainee there who at 24 had a six year old daughter. Somehow (goodness knows how) he and his girlfriend had a baby at 17/18, stayed together, got him through his law degree and legal practice course and he was a trainee at one of the best firms in the City. But it had taken an incredible toll on both of them - life was just much, much harder for them than it was for the rest of us.

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