Terrified every day

[EmmaHealy23]

I’m currently 22 weeks into my most successful pregnancy so far. Have had a history of miscarriage, which were in the 1st trimester, and it seems I’ve got much further along this time...but I’m still petrified. Every single day I feel I’m just trying (and failing) to distract myself. I thought once I made it to 12 weeks the anxiety would magically disappear, then I thought maybe 20 weeks...I don’t know anymore. I guess I’m just asking if I’m alone? Anyone else feel like this, even at this stage?

I’ve tried counselling, sadly hasn’t worked for me although the counsellor herself was just lovely. I just feel I’m going out of my mind.

I understand your worry completely. Have you also spoke to your midwife about how you feel? I know it's easy to say but try and enjoy your pregnancy, you've made it past the most high risk time. X

I was very fearful even after 12 weeks and I out off telling a lot of people until it became quite obvious but once I got to 24 weeks and my baby’s movements became stronger I felt a lot calmer as whenever I worried I could literally feel her. I hope you can start to feel that way soon. A pregnancy feels very long when you’re worrying so much.

I am currently 33 weeks pregnant. I have quite a different context to you so can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. However I did get some proper anxiety around 20 week scan and really feel for you if you’re dealing with that everyday.

The thing that helped me was each week getting me closer to better outcomes. Not just milestones but week by week. Every day, even. That might not help you but thought I’d throw that out there.

The other thing is a bit radical but might help. Basically, you just stop fighting the anxiety and stop trying to make it go away. Instead you look at it with kindness and say ok, I see you, hello you. The grownups version of turning to see the monster. This is often framed in terms of mindfulness. I heard it being explained by an elderly Vietnamese monk, so have that picture in your mind. He said that as he sits down to meditate, sometimes emotions come up. They might be anger, fear, sadness. So instead of trying to ignore them, he says hello. ‘Hello little fear, I see you’ (this is best imagined with him saying it :) ). Often by seeing and naming, the power of the emotion is diminished.

Your fear and worry comes from a rational place, but then once it’s let lose it becomes irrational. So your job is to become in charge of it rather than it being in charge of you. So you say hello, some people even thank the fear and tell it to take a break because they’ve got it covered. This approach works well combined with simple mindfulness meditation (headspace app is a well known example).

This may not chime with you but thought I’d throw it out there in case is helpful.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy. I'm now almost 19 weeks into my second pregnancy but still worried. Like you, I thought over time the fear would go but it hasn't.
Everyone around me is so excited but I don't feel that way. Sometimes I actually feel angry at them for assuming everything will turn out fine.

However, I don't want to ruin the pregnancy that I've longed for, so sometimes I give myself a good talking to and feel blessed that I've made it this far. It can be so difficult to be positive but I try and remind myself that today my baby is still in there and today I'm still pregnant. What an achievement.
There are many stories of women having miscarriages and then having their little miracle. Theres no reason why this isn't your time x

I was exactly the same and I never relaxed. I thought once baby was out it would be ok but then I worried about SIDS. I thought once he's 6 months it'll be ok but now I worry about his development. Do yourself a favour and see your Gp I wish I had done a year ago.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m new here and all the responses have made me feel a little bit less alone. I’ve had a few scares in the last few months so I think that’s also making me anxious, I’ve thought a couple of times that it was all over, it’s just that now I can’t snap back to thinking everything is ok. My DH bless him is as optimistic as they come and I feel like I’m just p**sing all over his bonfire when all he wants is for me to be ‘happy’ like normal mums to be. I just keep saying hopefully I’ll make it to this or that week, never when, always if.
GP is useless and said it’s common and not to worry and to try to enjoy. She said I’d know if something went wrong, but in my experience I didn’t know when it had xx

foreverhopeful21 I am exactly the same, almost angry when people just blindly assume a pregnancy equals a baby. Glad to know it’s not just me I have to say, it makes me feel so ungrateful which I’m not, I just sound so Un-typical from normal happy mums to be xx

haveacupoftea I’ve got a feeling that’s me too. Every milestone has brought little comfort, just new worries and it’s starting to dawn on me I’ll never wake up and just l’be happy’ xx

Ahhh yes those mums-to-be who actually enjoy their pregnancy and do fun pregnancy announcements to the world, post bump photos on Facebook and have baby showers etc. I try not to be jealous but I am!!!!! haha. I wish I could enjoy it more but I think its understandable to be worried after a loss / losses.

I hope over time it gets easier for you.
I tell myself that whilst I'm fretting about what hasn't happened yet, I'm missing out on enjoying what has happened. Again, not easy but all we can to is try our best x

Yes, I feel this way. I had a late loss at 22 weeks a couple of years ago - now 22 weeks pregnant and expecting it to happen all over again - although I have been monitored really well this time and so far so good. Friends become quite excited for me when I tell them (have only just started telling people because I have to - third dc and big bump) but there is no way that I will relax until baby arrives safely and I have just come to accept this. Still finding it difficult to envisage giving birth to live baby and wishing time away (prior to pregnancy believed firmly in not wishing time away). I look back and remember when I was 6 weeks and then talk myself down along the lines of look how far you've come. My pregnancy has definitely lacked excitement and a looking forward element. No real advice just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. x

Thank you, thank you for sharing your stories with me! I am new to MN so I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but hearing that I’m not alone has really comforted me. I thought because I hadn’t just snapped into happiness after 12 weeks there must be something wrong with me.

DH is asking if we can buy clothes soon, I said maybe after 24 weeks...but the truth is I’m still going to be just as nervous then I think. I can’t see a massive turnaround in just a week and a bit. Did anyone else out off buying things? Xx

sorry to hear about your previous loss.

I had a mmc last year (at 9 weeks) and then was pregnant again 3 months later - I didn’t buy anything until the last minute. I never even sent the form off for my free prescription card in case that tempted fate...DD is now a healthy 6.5mo. I felt loads more relaxed when I felt some definite movements, but then worried towards the end in case she started moving less. The relief when she came out was immense. We already had a DS, and we won’t be having any more as I couldn’t do another 9 months of worrying.

Hi OP - we had x3 early mcs and i was very nervous this pregnancy. I also understand that it's difficult to be relaxed until you get further in when the baby has a fighting chance of surviving early labour.

My doctor gave me the best advice ever for this pregnancy which was to be as positive as possible. It's amazing you have got to 20 weeks and I'm sure a lot of other mums will identify with you, even if they haven't had any mc experience. I actually decided after 12 weeks when it looked like it was all fine that we'd throw ourselves into the baby thing and it really helped. We went to a baby show, bought the pram and some outfits and now i'm much more excited than nervous - of course some days the anxiety takes over but I try to use various methods to keep it at bay.

You're out of the danger area now by a long way and the only way I get through it is by just accepting it's in the lap of the gods now. There is little i can do if something goes wrong other than be really positive, have faith in my body and the baby and know things will be ok.

I would highly recommend seeing a councillor - your GP or midwife will be able to help with this (when you go to see them make it VERY clear how anxious you are and explain it's affecting quality of life) or you can pay privately. CBT may help with the anxiety or i found mindfulness INCREDIBLE.

This book is very good and has free online guided meditations : www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=mindfulness+finding+peace+in+a+frantic+world&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1511261142&sr=8-1

Good luck and I know it'll be fine. You'll be holding that baby in your arms in no time.

CL1982 thanks very much I’ve sent for it!! I have tried counselling but unfortunately didn’t find it helpful, the counsellor was absolutely lovely but I think if it was more CBT based it might have been better, she just said all the way through that my fears were valid, which was great to hear, but I wanted to know how to manage it and she said that wasn’t her style of counselling so even though it certainly didn’t do me any harm, I felt it Limited in terms of how much it helped. Was through the NHS though so I’m grateful to have had the chance.

Really really wish I could get to a place of excitement but I’d settle for just feeling able to cope day to day, sometimes he anxiety is debilitating

peachycandle you could be me! Can I ask how people reacted to you? Some of my colleagues have started to distance themselves from me because I’m too ‘morbid’, one even suggested I had a mental illness because mums are supposed to be happy. Even though I know my fears are in some way justified, I do know they are talking over my life in an unhealthy way. I just wish people understood I don’t mean to be like this...I wish I was handling things differently too xx

@emmahealy23 Yes i can understand that being not what you needed. You almost could do with something more actively therapy based by the sound of it....? I think the mindfulness will really help. I loved it and it very much helped me this year.

The Consultant who told me about positivity being linked to outcomes really helped me right from the start as well. With mc #3 i was so cynical and actively expected it to fail to protect myself, and actually found i was no less devastated when the pregnancy ended than i was when we had #1 when i was so happy. It's also really hard not to link the frequency of first trimester miscarriage with the infrequency of second trimester miscarriage and still birth. It is very rare to lose a baby later although the risk increases as it's arguably more devastating but it's worth gently reminding the body and mind of the science. You are very unlikely to lose this baby.

Have you bonded much with the bump? I know once i felt movement it was easier to find something i could 'talk' to the bump about and find ways to actively start thinking of it as a 'baby' not a potential worry?

Please tell me if i'm not helping btw! I do understand it sounds like you have some really deep seated issues and i'm so sorry you're finding the experience so stressful :(

p.s. in reply to you being 'too morbid' people should sod right off! I actually asked my HR department for a copy of the maternity policy if i had a still birth. It's not morbid....it's practical and preparatory!

I spent my whole pregnancy in a state of perpetual terror, I cried all the time, I was convinced it would all end in disaster. Things did improve once I got past about 30 weeks and the movements were more constant but it was still hard.

I ended up just viewing it as something I had to get through. Day by day, week by week. For me things got better as soon as DS was born as I felt much more in control then. There is a charity, I think it's called PANDA which helps women with pre and postnatal anxiety and depression. It might be worth getting in touch with them in case they can give you any pointers. Could luck OP, this too shall pass.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/

CL1982 thank you, I know my mind is just trying to shield me from pain, I’m not being ‘morbid’ imo I just can’t be that person, I can’t just be nonchalant and happy. I suppose as it might seem to others that it’s been a bit of a drastic transformation, but it’s one I can’t control. Support would have been nice, not judging close-mindedness but I can’t control how they think xx

Sunshinegirl82 great advice. I can get so overwhelmed sometimes thinking how long is left that I sometimes forget that the days and weeks are going by (although I’m sure time seems to have slowed down considerably!)

Thank you for the link, have never heard of them so will be interested just to have a look. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Pregnancy can be quite isolating if you are feeling anxious xx

Try not to put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way, those of us that struggle with anxiety in pregnancy are unlikely to be able to suddenly become happy go lucky in the way that some others are able to. That's ok. It has made no difference to my bond with DS, I adore him.

You might find it easier to accept that this will be an anxious time and concentrate on getting through it rather than trying to change how you feel. Don't worry about how other people perceive you, they can sod off! The reason people feel so alone when going through this stuff is the conspiracy of silence and this idea that pregnancy is a magical, wonderful time for everyone. For some it is but for lots of us it's an uncomfortable, anxiety inducing feat of endurance. You are not the only person to feel this way, it's not your fault, it will get better, don't be afraid to seek help. Take care.

Sunshinegirl82 i completely agree, it’s such a taboo subject. I always felt miscarriage was a taboo subject, totally off the table for discussion a lot of the time and if I ever did bring it up, people shuffled around me uncomfortably. But anxiety and depression in pregnancy? People treat you like a pariah, it’s so upsetting to ask people for advice only to be met with looks of suspicion, or worse, disgust. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy, this baby is so wanted, after all the years of longing for a baby and the losses we have faced, I just want things to be ok, and for some reason I just can’t handle things at the moment xx

My experience was (sorry if this is really long!): after my mmc, I left a job I didn’t like, and had a few weeks just relaxing, looking for new jobs and enjoying the summer with DS (then aged 2) and DH. I applied for a part time job and in between interview and my start date, I found I was pregnant. I enjoyed the new role, and I think it did help as it allowed me to focus on something else besides early pregnancy fears. I had some worrying bleeding at 8 weeks and 9 weeks which was horrible but as I’d not let myself get too ‘attached’ I was quite pragmatic about it and half expected history to repeat itself. I told my boss at this point as I’d had the odd morning off for scans etc - she was brilliant, and so understanding. I didn’t tell anyone else at work although I know some people were wondering if I was pregnant as I got to the 16 week mark or so.

The 12 and 20 week scans came and went, and then the lovely kicks and rolls...from 36 weeks though I was on serious ‘move watch’ and did take myself off to MAU one evening as I didn’t feel the baby had moved much. Anyone who I told about the previous mc was so kind, from GPs to my midwife...I was incredibly lucky and didn’t have any negative comments about my concerns. Your colleagues are out of line, there’s no one way to respond to situations like these, and comments like that just make you feel worse. I did have one nosey colleague who asked lots of pointed questions, and then one day just asked me outright if I was pregnant which made me feel a bit shit but I really couldn’t hide it by then as I had a fair ol’ bump by that point!

DD was born perfectly healthy 2 days late at 8lb. When I got home the HV came round and was asking the usual ‘how are you feeling, any worries, any concerns about your mood?’ questions and I remember telling her I’d been 100 times more anxious when I was pregnant and I was still just so relieved she was out.

I hope this isn’t silly advice but is there some hobby you could get started with or something? Just something not baby related to see if you can focus on something else? I started to do a bit of cross stitch and also some genealogy, which I’ve always enjoyed. And I tried to read books every night instead of googling symptoms! Little things to maybe divert your thoughts from constant worry. I hope you can start to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy