Too old at 40 to have one more?

[MrsHelenBee]

DH and have talked a lot about having one more recently. We have 2 DS's of 6 and 3 already.
I had always wanted three. I don't know if it's because I'm one of three or not. DS2 was a twin and we lost his sibling so I often look at him and wonder who else would have joined our family the day he was born, and what they would have looked like.
A third can't replace his twin, and I'm no stranger to miscarriage either. Two is enough but I just feel so strongly that I'd like one more to complete our family.
The down-side is that DH and I met quite late on. He's in his forties and I turned 40 this year. Is it foolish to be thinking about one more at my age?
Just hoping to hear from mums my age about how the experience was at 40 or thereabouts, whether they have regrets, or found it harder.

valuerangeweetabixandmilk your limit was 30? Gosh i'm trying for my first at 33. (I had an ectopic at 30 - which the doctors said would have happened at age 20 otherwise I am totally healthy down there thankyou. And i'm far fitter, more intelligent, motivated, better off finacially, have my own house, have my dream career - none of which I had/had much of in my 20s. And most importantly i'm ready! Its fine to give across your experience but try not to be judgy 😂

42 when I had my 4th. Wonderful 3 year old

Lilly....where exactly have I been judgy? I have given my experience. I am not nor have anywhere judged women?

40 is definitely not too old unless YOU feel too tired etc. It's a purely personal thing.

I didn't neet dh until I was 38. I was 41 when I had our dd, 42 now. Took 2 months of trying to conceive her and a straight forward pregnancy. We're planning on trying for a second next year.
If it feels right for you, go for it.

40 isn’t too old at all, I’d say go for it :) I agree that having a baby at any age is tiring and as you’ve been through it twice before you know the deal :) be prepared for a bit more monitoring but that’s about it really. If this is what you and DH want then nothing should stop you :) good luck OP I hope it all works out!

My limit is 30 and dhs is 40 (he's 10 years older than me) I'd just personally rather not be raising young/primary school age children in my 40s. I don't think its wrong by any means but no, I wouldn't have a baby over age 40. Lots of risks are much, much higher to both you and a baby. You say you're 40 and husband in his 40s. If he's say, 45 he would be 60 or over once baby is only 15. For me personally that's older them I'd like to be with teens.

On the flip side a very good friend of mine had a baby age 42. All happy and healthy and of course wouldn't change things now. She does have 3 older children (1 early 20s and 2 late teens) and has said its been much harder this time with her now 4 year old.

I adopted a 2yr old last year when i was nearly 52 !
It is keeping me young !

Wow. Well that's a whole selection box of responses!
For me, being pregnant at 41 was a bit more tiring; but I get bad spd, so that doesn't help. And yes, it's all slightly more risky, so you should get monitored a bit more, but that's fine.
Love the hyperbole on this thread tho: "massively risky", etc. And the idea of a cut-off at 30 on health grounds is hysterically funny. Why would anyone feel like that? It's like a time warp back to the 1970s, when my mother was labelled a "geriatric primigravida" at the grand old age of 25.

Having a cut off at 30 isn't hysterically funny, its personal preference I wouldn't have a baby over 40 but don't think anyone who does is hysterically funny, what a daft thing to say.

I think you go off personal experience too. I'm one of 4, second youngest. My mum had a brain tumor when she was in her early 40s, I was around 12/13 and my youngest brother was 7/8. My mum got through it and is well now but had we all been younger things would have been much tougher. Now the youngest of us is 21 and my dad is battling cancer for the second time at age 52. Otherwise completely healthy all his life. If we had been born when my parents were in their 40s I can't see how as a family we would have all coped.

I'm aware these things can happen at any age but nobody can argue the facts that these things are more common with age. Thankfully my parents now have all their adult children to help out and support through this tough time. It just doesn't bare thinking about all this happening if they had young children right now

41 here and expecting my first in June. Yes well aware of the risks, but there is do much testing they can do. If you really want another, go for it.

Hit a nerve Academic?
It wasn't hysterically funny that my mother died in her 40s, nor that that experience made me want my children younger.
30 was not a clear cut point but a general timepoint my head.
Congratulations on your child. You seem to have a bit of difficulty understanding what hyperbole means, there isn't much here. Perhaps that chip on your shoulder is clouding your view.

DS2- the light of my life- was born on my 40th birthday. I don’t/ didn’t even think of myself as an older mother.
No problems although I am aware I was lucky- you are at any age. The stats for births/ pregnancies of older mothers are worth checking out but I do not believe they should stop you.

See oldermum.co.uk/

Go for it! If you and your other half want another child and can love and provide for him or her then go for it! Times are changing and women are having children much older these days. I’m 42 and currently 32 Weeks pregnant with my first daughter. She is a very much wanted and loved IVF baby after a few failed cycles, so feel blessed that’s it’s finally happening!... x

Agree times are changing and 40 isn't seen as an 'older mum' now like it was years ago. My mum is the youngest of 9, her mum was 20 when she had her first and in her 40s having her youngest 2. She's now 99 and only not been able bodied the past 7 or so years so I'm definitely not saying its not going to work having children in your 40s.

I have been surprised though that I've been viewed as a.young mum. I had 3 under 5 at age 25 so had mine close together. People have said the odd comment on 'how young' I am having three children (now 26) . I really don't think I am.

I think your view on this really depends on context/peer group. My school friends who stayed in our home town all had their children in their 20s. Those of us who moved to London and all my colleagues waited until 30s. I’m 30 and in my industry and among my friends I’m young to be having my first.

Anyway, People have been having their last child in their 40s for generations. My dad was born when his mum was 45 (youngest of 7) and my mum’s mum had my aunt when she was 42 (youngest of 5).

OP you want another - go for it. If you can still conceive you’re not too old.

My sister (who is a lot younger than me) confidently told me she'd not contemplate having a child over 35 when I was pregnant with DC1 at 36 (the arrogance of youth!). She's now 38, is single but would still love to have a family and that cut off no longer exists. I have no doubt that if she were to meet someone in the next year or two she'd definitely keep trying for children into her 40s.

Mythical early cut offs are dependant on factors that are out of your control and those of us who are older laugh at cut offs like 30 because we know that life tends not to follow the plans we have in our 20s. I know people who have had their family young then had a 'surprise' in their 40s that has brought them a lot of joy. The only cut off should be the actual biological one.

Don't understand why value is getting such a bashing, I don't think they've been rude or "judgey".

I wouldn't chose to have a baby at 40. I'm 28 and expecting the 2nd, I won't be having any more and I was certain I wanted to be pregnant again before I turned 30. That's because of my own personal circumstances and what I want for the future though. Others will have different circumstances and plans. Having a baby over 40 is in no way unusual, I know loads of parents with young children in their 40s!

Elizabeth probably because this seems pretty judgy...

I think having a baby at 40 is mad, really mad. Too old by far (my limit was 30)

I’ve just had dc3 aged 41. Currently snuggling a lovely baby. Do it. Our family is complete now .. always wanted 3 and feel so lucky

Preceded by the fact id had a baby late 30s and it had nearly killed me. Not not a judgement of others...a deduction of my own experiences. I do hate when people isolate 1 sentence and remove contextual meaning
I also said many mothers do it and it works fine for them

IMO the issue isn't the having a baby at 40 but the fact that you'lll be approaching your 60's by the time said baby grows up into a teenager and starts thinking about uni etc. And with the average child not leaving home well into their 20's these days due to financial factors etc you'll still have children at home when you should be thinking about having time for yourself.

IMO everyone thinks about the loveliness of having a baby at whatever age you want but the reality is that they don't stay babies for long. Terrible two's when you're pushing 43/44 (given you're unlikely to conceive straight away) starting school when you're 46 or so, and hitting the teenage years and everything that entails when you're into your 50's?

Having to think about tuition fees instead of a pension when you're hitting 60?

I agree with a PP that having a baby at 40 is madness.

I would do it. You are only getting older every day you think about it

My baby is due just before I turn 40. Not where 25 year old me thought i'd be, but life rarely goes to plan.

Pregnancy has been fine although definately felt much more tired this time.