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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL problems ...

15 replies

Jaynexx22 · 05/11/2017 08:35

Hi all I need some advice
We have our 12 week scan next week, and when we told my mother in law the date, (she works at the hospital) she said she would try and Work near maternity that day. I assumed only so she could see us after the scan. Only now she has said ‘oh I hope I’m not busy so I can come into the scan with you’ - neither of us asked her to come in, she just assumed she can and has invited herself along. I did tell her that our letter says strictly only one person to come with you, but she followed up with well maybe they’ll let me in as I work at the hospital.
I did want it to be just me and hubby at the scan as it’s our first baby and wanted us to do it alone. What are the odds that they will let her in the room when she asks?? I’m hoping they don’t let her in 😩😩

OP posts:

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/11/2017 08:37

Why are you waiting for someone else to tell her she can’t come in? Tell her yourself or get DH to tell her!

shushpenfold · 05/11/2017 08:37

You need to get dh to gently say that you’d like the scan to be just the two of you.

CisCucumber · 05/11/2017 08:39

Just tell her. Don't be a walk over and start now
Just sat nicely you want only the two of you at the scan

kuniloofdooksa · 05/11/2017 08:39

The sonographer and other staff in the scanning suite will respect your wishes if you let them know the issue.

And may I be the first to say you don't have a Mil problem so much as a dh problem - dh is the only one who can draw boundaries that will be respected - if you try to do it you could get painted as the wicked meanie trying to keep a doting grandma from her lovely grandkids. This needs to be nipped in the bud right now, it will only get worse.

Crashbangwhatausername · 05/11/2017 08:40

What a shame they ‘changed’ the date. Although I would suggest telling her now that she is not welcome as if she is starting now it’s not going to go well once you’ve had the baby

Notalitigator · 05/11/2017 08:42

She can't come in if you don't want her to. Do you have a mother? If so, could you approach this on the basis that it's not fair on your mother if one attends and the other doesn't?

There was a poster a year or 2 ago whose MIL worked at the hospital and accessed (or she suspected) had accessed her medical records. It sounded very stressful for her.

Wiggles9408 · 05/11/2017 08:44

In some respects I think that’s lovely that she wants to be part of the pregnancy BUT I completely understand, for my nhs scans it was just myself and DP but for a few private cans I took my own mum and dad but never DP parents. You need to have a chat with your DH and just say you think it would be a good idea for him to explain to him mum that although you’re both grateful she’s so excited it’s a really big moment for you two as parents be you’d like to have that moment as a couple :) she should understand, maybe follow up with as soon as you’re done you’ll meet her at hospital maybe grab a coffee if she’s got a break and show her your pictures?

Good luck with it all, have a lovely time at your scan and congratulations!!

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 05/11/2017 08:46

It would be best to nip it in the bud now,”we might just do this ourselves thanks, but will be straight over with the pictures “
Otherwise she will pop in for the birth

Original poster

Jaynexx22 · 05/11/2017 08:47

Thank you everyone for the advice. I know deep down we need to tell her but I just don’t want to be painted as the bad guy! But I agree this needs nipping in the bud as it will only get worse.
Yes my mum and I are very close so I think she would be very hurt if MIL went and she didn’t so that’s what I will say, that it’s unfair and we wanted it to be just us two. Thank you everyone xx

OP posts:

Ilovelampandchair · 05/11/2017 08:50

Actually all my last 3 20 week scans specified one person accompanying only and no children allowed. Check and see if that's the case at your place.

But even telling her that do say you'd prefer just you and DH 'for obvious reasons' and leave it at that.

Ilovelampandchair · 05/11/2017 08:52

If she gets rude and asks what the obvious reasons are say (slightly aghast she had to ask) that 'it's a very personal and special moment for s couple and additionally if there was something wrong you wouldn't want other people there'.

Hellomaryimback · 05/11/2017 08:56

Yes you do need to set your boundaries out now and yes you will still get accused of being the bad guy.

Be as straight forward as you can as I used to mess up by making what I was saying flowery and not to the point.

This will be the tip of a very large iceberg so how you deal with this will set a bench mark.

Just think! When you go in labour - she will just be able to 'nip' in ..... sort it asap

Marmighty · 05/11/2017 09:02

"Oh we'd like it to just be us at the scan, but can meet you afterwards and show you the picture". Your DH should say this to his mum.

thingymaboob · 05/11/2017 09:08

She is being weird and intrusive. You don't need to do anything. It's your DHs responsibility to tell her that you BOTH want it to be just the two of you. Neither my mum or MIL wouldn't dream of coming along unless invited. Get your DH to sort it.

N0tNowBernard · 05/11/2017 09:17

We had to explain this in the way of - we have two sides to the family and we can't have both in, so we're having just me and DH.

Do it now! Otherwise it will be expected at the next scan and the birth itself! We love our families but wanted to do those ourself and your entitled to without feeling horrible or selfish about it.

Also with scans, you never know what you will be told so best to keep it to yourself and partner.

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