I don't think I can do this.

[wowbutter]

20+2 with my second pregnancy. Diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but had a treatment plan organised.
I now have spd, and have done since the early weeks.
I am in crutches, have a belt, a slide sheet and see a chiropractor, physio and have recently started acupuncture.
But I am in agony. I am exhausted. The noise from my pelvis makes me feel sick, the pain makes me scream, a maximum dose of codeine does fuck all to numb it. I'm not sleeping. I'm a horrible mum to my four year old.
I've been googling how I can induce miscarriage at home.
I don't think I can do this.
I wish I were dead. I am in an impossible situation.

Sorry to hear this OP.

After reading your last few sentences I would really recommend speaking to someone about how you are feeling and the effects the physical pain is having on your mental state. Do you have any friends or a partner who can come and stay with you for a while?

I hope other ladies will post after me with better advice maybe and talk about how they've dealt with SPD

this is horrendous for you. I have SPD and I've been miserable but I feel ridiculous moaning now after reading this. It sounds absolutely awful.
When are you next seeing a doctor or physio? Im not sure about what's safe to take in pregnancy but surely they can give you something else to try in terms of pain relief?
You're not a horrible mum to your other child, you're just really struggling.

My spd has just started and that's been enough, not sure what to say but do call your midwife - they need to help. Call GP on Monday, out of hours if you need it. Would a mini tens machine help?

Cannot read this and walk away. Call your GP monday and don't accept an appointment weeks away. Tell the receptionist what you have just typed here.

Your midwife will not be able to help you really but your GP can help make pain relief plans and maybe some mental health team awareness.

Have you told your partner?

I have the gp on Wednesday, again, where I will cry, again.
And I will be told I can only have codeine, and to up my dose of citalopram.
I have the physio on Tuesday, who will try and adjust my pelvis, which they did yesterday. Makes no difference, as any relief I get at the back or sides gets wiped out with the horrible pain, pressure and noise at the front.
My DH knows how much I am struggling, my whole family does, but they can't do anything to stop the pain. They're already doing so much, my mother in law even comes over in her lunch break and empties the dishwasher.
I just don't know how I am supposed to do another twenty weeks like this.
I can't abort the baby, it will ruin my marriage and my family.
But I'm scared I will hurt myself, and get so desperate if I carry on like this.
The baby is healthy, great size and kicks away all the time. I just feel so guilty, and miserable, and alone.
It's the weekend now, which means time together, except it's still not fun, it's more pain, and trying to smile, when inside I'm dying.
The thing is, I'm not depressed, I don't think. If I wasn't in pain, I wouldn't feel suicidal.
I'm stuck.

Sorry you're feeling so crap OP. I don't have SPD but I do have HG, and my mental health has taken an absolute battering as a result.

I think you should see someone from GP out of hours to see if they can help with pain relief over the weekend. They may be able to give you something stronger. Then back to your GP on Monday for an emergency appointment to discuss long term plans and mental health support.

In the meantime, I have found the samaritans very helpful to talk to st my lowest. Here is a link, they are available all day, every day and night. They're excellent listeners.

www.samaritans.org

Sorry, cross post.

Very glad you've got good real life support. Your MIL is ace.

I know it's exceptionally hard, but this is time limited. You could even ask to be induced early or have an ELCS of you think that would be better for you.

Can your midwife refer you to a local support group? There's one local to me that's specifically to support miserable, ill, pregnant women. I'm going to ask for a referral myself.

I'm guessing that you don't actually want to die? You just want the pain to stop?

Thank you everyone. I broke down my with gp, and actually got some help.
I'm still in agony, but signed off work, fast track to a women's specialist physio for Monday, and seeing my consultant too.
I don't want to die, no, but I want the pain to stop. And I can't have a terminationa s my family are so excited and happy about the baby, and would never forgive me. Killing myself would remove the pain, and nobody would be ,ad with me. Or, they would, but I wouldn't care.

Thanks for the responses. I actually asked mnhq to delete this as I was worried I would be called evil for wishing bad things. But, they told me to read my replies, which I did. Thank you.

I'm really sorry your feeling this way it sounds absolutely awful what your dealing with. Yes I think you should speak to midwife, gp about how you feel. No one wil Judge you, they will support you and help. I'm sure your a wonderful mummy to your 4 year old.