Help! Our first pregnancy and we've tied ourselves in worry.

[seandphoto]

Hi,

My wife and I have recently found out we're 5 weeks pregnant. Luckily we we're planning and it only took use weeks after starting to attempt to conceive to find we we're successful.

I have an anxiety disorder and chronic pain condition and I'm quite worried that i'll either smoother my wife or not ensure she's at the fore of decisions. Now believe me, I absolutely love my wife and normally think of her first but worry that such a momentous change throws things into disorder. Chores in our house are usually quite well balanced, we work well together and i want to do more to take the load off but don't want to treat her as an invalid.

As we're quite early on, and its our first, we're panicking about how things will unfold and what to expect.

This is my first post and i guess I'm just looking for some re-assurance and pointers. Can anyone in community perhaps helps with the following:

1. She's reporting a slight cramping in the lower right of her abdomen...so is this normal? How can I help her (currently topping up the hot water bottle regularly).

1. We've considered a 6 week scan but have ruled it out as its quite invasive. Does anyone have any opinions either way?

1. Does anyone have any thoughts about how I can make this as easy for her as possible?

Thanks in advance, Sean.

Sounds normal to me, remember ‘we’re’ not pregnant, she is. She needs to be taken care of but not smothered, you need to be interested but not overpowering. I wouldn’t worry about a 6 week scan, it’s very early and unless medically necessary I’d wait.

Be kind and thoughtful, and congratulations!

With regards to the early scan, it's honestly not as bad as you'd expect but obviously some women do prefer not to have them as they'd find it uncomfortable. I had one at 4 weeks for something potentially worse as I'd been having cramps on the right hand side. For me though they thought it was cysts/cancer but is been having them for over a year so totally irrelevant to you.
The cramps could just be the implanting but If the cramps get worse then speak to a dr and they should be able to find out what it is. I know ectopic pregnancies can be found this way and it's best to get them seen and sorted.
As for the chores.. I'd honestly continue doing whatever it is you do at the moment unless she suffers incredibly badly. Once she gets to the point of finding things difficult then I'd start to help her out a bit more. I'm incredibly stubborn and still like to do as much as I can but at 34 weeks my DH refuses to let me pick anything up if it's classed as too heavy in his eyes, or I have to give in because I can't for the life if me put my socks or shoes on. sigh

Cramping is normal, 6 weeks scans are an awful idea and more trouble than they are worth, and you need to chill.

And never say WE are pregnant, or OUR pregnancy. You are not pregnant.

The early scan is a thin wand up her vagina. Lubed. Doesn't hurt. Ots embarrasig if anything but She's going to have a lot worse up and out of there. Her dignity will go out the window when pregnant and giving birth

Cramping usually normal in early pregnancy. Doctor won't do anything unless bleeding usually.

She's pregnant and really doesnt have to be smothered.

You sound like the male version of me

Early cramping is very normal, as long as there's no red blood accompanying the cramping, it's nothing to worry about.

6 weeks scans I think are worthless. Very few people see a baby at that point and it only makes them worry more. I personally would wait until your DW is 8 weeks.

It seems like your doing everything you can to help her. I know you have anxiety but the best thing you can do is not to let it affect your wife. Try talking to a friend, counsellor these boards about your worries your wife will have her own worries without adding yours to the mix - and I don't mean that in a harsh way.

Congratulations btw

Congratulations!

Unfortunately there's no way to predict how your wife's pregnancy is going to go - some women will be very sick, some will be fit as a flea throughout. You'll just have to take your lead from her and be there with hugs and reassurance when needed.

I would also say you need to take care of yourself and do whatever helps to keep your anxiety levels manageable. That in itself would be beneficial for both of you.

Do you have family nearby who can offer support if needed?

Cramping is very normal.. unless it’s so bad she’s doubled over and accompanied by bleeding it’s very likely just stretching/implanting and her body making room for your new baby to grow!

Biggest piece of advice to you is take care of yourself. Talk about your shared worries but don’t put too much on her. It’s lovely you care about her so much, and want to support her but if she sees you stressing and overly anxious it’ll make her the same and what she feels baby feels!

6 weeks scans are okay if she doesn’t mind the procedure, but IMO it’s a lot to go through so early in her pregnancy with little chance of even seeing the baby.

Regarding smothering her, I was the most stubborn pregnant lady going! I wanted to carry on doing everything I used to, my favourite thing to do was bark at people who offered to help in the early stages that ‘I’m pregnant not ill’.. 25 odd weeks later I will admit I had to ask for help sometimes and more than that, a shoulder to cry on when hormones got too much. Tell her you’re there when you need her, but until she tells you or you can see she needs the help, don’t take her usual chores etc away from her. She’ll come round to the idea soon enough.

And never say WE are pregnant, or OUR pregnancy. You are not pregnant. Or he could ask his wife, as some women strongly prefer using those terms? I don't personally like them but I have friends who do and I have no right to dictate to them.

OP - If you're prone to anxiety, I'd suggest two things. Firstly, limit your internet searching to the NHS pages as they're informative and not over the top. If you start googling symptoms you'll get all sorts. Secondly, you could sign up to get weekly emails from sites like Emmas Diary or the NCT. They'll help you to know what is going on week to week. You're going to have to learn that you can't take everything away - there was nothing my DH could do to stop me throwing up and I just had to get on with it (in private!), but he could go to the shop to buy something I fancied eating.

On the specifics - cramping is normal, ligament pain can be surprisingly painful! If she's doubled over in pain, that's when I'd be ringing the midwife.

I wouldn't do a 6 week scan. You're not going to see enough to reduce anxiety. I had an 8 week scan because we just couldn't wait until the 12 week NHS one, that was late enough that we could see a heartbeat.

Doesn't really matter is he asks his wife, whatever her answer he still isn't pregnant!

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to all that have posted. I completely appreciate the different views and I’m surprise at the amount of comments so quickly, so thank you.

I never even considered the choice in “we” vs “she”. Yes by technical definition I understand I am not pregnant, but would add that it is simply a use of term as I feel (as my wife does) that WE are on an amazing journey together.

Thanks for the advice around the pain. She describes it as less painful than period cramps so I’d therefore think it sounds, as most have suggested, normal.

Anxiety wise. It’s long standing for me and therefore I have a massive support network. I agree with the avoidance of ‘googling’ and sticking to solid advice. Thank you. I’d say we’re experiencing what’s classed as ‘normal’ anxiety.

Thanks for the tips around chores. I had went to the extreme of looking at cleaning companies which is simply ridiculous. We’ve chatted as she’s quite happy to do a little less but by her terms not mines which is good.

Can’t wait for the 12 week scan!!! Thanks again all.

Pleased we could help! Keep us updated! :)