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Original poster

Would you invite baby's dad to birth

60 replies

4evernamechanging · 29/09/2017 14:22

Me and the dad split as soon as we found out I was pregnant, he's had nothing to do with the pregnancy. Not once asked me how it was going or if everything was going okay, offered to help with anything- literally NOTHING. So I've told him nothing. He doesn't even know the due date.
I really don't want him there tbh, I don't want to have someone I don't particularly like with me at such a vulnerable time but I also think he SHOULD be there for his child. I feel like if I just didn't tell him I was in labour/being induced (high risk pregnancy so planned induction) and had the baby without giving him the chance to be there then im to blame. What do you think?

OP posts:
Jenijena · 29/09/2017 14:25

No. If he wants to meet the baby later, he can, but when you're giving birth you are at your most vulnerable and you need support from people you know or trust. It's not a spectator sport.

You probably need to prepare yourself for the fact that he is going to have no interest once the baby is born too.

Good luck

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 14:25

NO!!! He does not need to be there for his child. Anyone who is there would be there for YOU. You are the one going through labour. You are the one who needs support. As he has shown no interest whatsoever he certainly does not deserve to be there. Please take this as the first of many opportunities to put yourself and your baby first.

OuchBollocks · 29/09/2017 14:25

No. The baby doesn't need him at delivery. Plenty of time for him to decide he wants to be a parent. You will most likely feel very vulnerable in labour and you may only be allowed one birth partner. Have someone you trust there for you, you may need them to advocate for you if you can't do it for yourself. If he's mad keen he can see the baby straight away afterwards.

Oswin · 29/09/2017 14:25

God no. Labour is about you. You have whoever you need there. Tell him after.

DistractedByIrrelevance · 29/09/2017 14:26

I think you should do what's best for you and the baby. There is no way you are to blame for his lack of interest in the birth of his child.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 14:26

Do you have a mum, sister or close friend that would be calm and supportive (the two things you need in a birth partner!)?

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 14:27

I wouldn't think he was required to be there if you were still together.

But as he's you're not and he hasn't given you the time of day since finding out, hell no.

Winniethepooer · 29/09/2017 14:28

The labour is ALL about you. You will need love, care & support.

Organise that.

The dad can visit later once you've recovered.
Best of luck.Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 29/09/2017 14:28

No way. The baby won't remember or care (my Dad wasn't at my birth. Do I care? Do I fuck) and he doesn't sound like he gives a shit, frankly.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/09/2017 14:28

God, absolutely not.

You need to have someone with you that you trust 100% to have your best interests at heart, and that you trust to make decisions for you, and advocate for you, when you're unable to do that for yourself.

EssentialHummus · 29/09/2017 14:28

No. If he wants to meet the baby later, he can, but when you're giving birth you are at your most vulnerable and you need support from people you know or trust.

Exactly this!

Original poster
4evernamechanging · 29/09/2017 14:28

I do have a family member that asked me from day 1 to be birth partner, and she's the only person I'd want there! She was my number 1 choice and I'm so glad she wants to be with me!

OP posts:
Madbum · 29/09/2017 14:29

Don’t do him any favours, he’s not done you any over the past 9 months has he?
Have who you want there, he’s misses his chance.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 14:31

That's great, have her then! Smile

FWIW I don't think the father always makes the best birth partner, anyway, even if he is in a relationship with the mother. So please don't feel you are settling for second best or anything. You're really not.

Original poster
4evernamechanging · 29/09/2017 14:31

What if stupid question because I know he's not about the gain interest out of nowhere he asked if he could be there.
It's stupid I know but I really care what other people think/say and I'd hate to be thought of as a horrible person for not letting him be there at his child's birth

OP posts:
pallisers · 29/09/2017 14:32

No way. Don't do this. The baby won't know the difference. Being at the birth won't change a thing for his attitude - might give a temporary spike in interest but it won't last unless there is a genuine desire to be a parent there.

Meanwhile, you are giving birth - you need to be focused on you and your needs as does everyone in the room with you.

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 14:32

Do you want to poo yourself and potentially be in lots of pain and naked and vulnerable in front of him? Would it nake you feel even slightly uncomfortable? If so it's a no.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 14:32

Just say no.
In my experience, becoming a parent has helped me to give even less of a shit about what people think Wink
Your baby becomes the single most important thing in the universe. And you do what you have to do to look after the baby, and yourself so you can look after the baby.

OuchBollocks · 29/09/2017 14:33

You could always say 'yeah ok' then claim to have had a super fast labour with no time to call him

pallisers · 29/09/2017 14:34

If he asks say "no". And maybe give him a "what the actual fuck are you smoking" look.

No one will think you are a horrible person. And if they do who cares?

Being at your child's birth isn't a right for fathers. you are undergoing something that is frankly difficult at best, dangerous at worst. the last thing you need is this plonker sitting in the room playing on his phone and wondering how long more will it take - because that is most likely what you will get

GummyGoddess · 29/09/2017 14:36

Will he get you a drink, rub your back, hold your hand, pull your hair away when you're sick, stand up for your wishes? If not then he shouldn't be there.

expatinscotland · 29/09/2017 14:36

NO!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 29/09/2017 14:37

NO

MontyPants · 29/09/2017 14:37

Even if he asks to be there, it's your choice and if you don't feel comfortable having him there then don't invite him. He hasn't exactly been father of the year so far. You have no obligation to invite him. In fact, you and baby don't need the stress of him being there.

Changerofname987654321 · 29/09/2017 14:40

No.

Labour progresses well when your body releases oxytocin (love hormone) but that will only happen if you feel safe and supported.

The only people you need to think about in labour is you and your baby.

If you are still unsure talk it through with your midwife.