Don't know what to do?!

[Bambam95]

I'm new on here so please be nice!

Me and my fiance are considering having a baby. I'm 22, he's 28 and we've been together for just over a year. We recently had some issues with our landlord and decided to move back in with his parents while we figured out what to do.

We decided to save up whilst we're here and buy a house instead of getting back into renting after the nightmare we had with our landlord.

8 months ago I fell pregnant whilst on the pill. We hadn't been together very long, had just moved into a house and were worried about money so decided on a termination.
We both had regrets but felt at the time we weren't in the best position for a baby.

We are now. We've been talking about it for a while and now my fiances sister is having a baby and his brothers children are constantly here and being surrounded by it all has made us consider it more seriously. Our relationship is stronger now and being here has taken the pressure of money off of us so all those initial worries are out of the way.

I do have concerns though. I suffer from emetophobia ( a fear of being sick) and worry about morning sickness. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had my termination and some days I couldn't lift my head off the sofa because I felt so ill and the thought of doing that again and potentionally being sick terrifies me.

I question if I'm too young, and thoughts of childbirth and baby weight and stretch marks and all these other things run round my head and every time I get excited at the thought of being a mom, I worry myself silly over something else.

So I suppose my question is this, are all these thoughts normal when considering starting a family or is it a sign I'm not ready?
And are there any mommies here who've had emetophobia who have been put off starting a family? How did you cope with dealing with that whilst being pregnant?

Any advice is greatly appreciated! X

Whilst I think that there is never a perfect time to have a child, I do think (ideally) if planned for you would have
A stable home
A committed relationship.

You don't have either yet. You can't know someone in a year well enough to have his child. I'm sorry, but you can't.

Yes, you are young, but that in itself isn't an issue. The combination of all those factors are the issue.

Deciding on who will be the father of your child is the single most important decision you will ever make in your life. He might be the right one, but you don't know this yet, not within a year.

Take your time, have fun together before you commit to babies.

I don't think it sounds like your quite ready, you've got so much time to start a family I don't think you should rush!
Buy a house and enjoy it for a bit first cos it's nearly impossible after you have kids. Plus you haven't been together that long so take the time to get to know each other properly first.
Fwiw I had my DS at 27 and with hindsight I wish we'd waited a bit to get a bit more settled. We have got a house now but it was so much harder, and my just fledgining (sp?!) career has taken a massive backseat.
Your only young and carefree once!

You're engaged to be married, how exciting. You're young which is great so why not take some time to enjoy this time together and have a fab wedding, travel, have fun and get your house sorted. You'll look back on this time with fondness in the future and you'll be glad you had the chance when so many people don't. Enjoy spending the time with your nieces and nephews too! Time is on your side x

I think you should buy a house and get married first. Both will be more difficult once a baby arrives and you're very young so there's no hurry.

I agree with all of the PP.

Enjoy being young and in love. Babies can be exhausting. I imagine that it'd be a lot harder living with the in laws to be. Personally I don't think I could have done it without a home of my own and a dh.

Also, when we began talking about trying after over 6 years together and 3 years of marriage there were no doubts that we were ready. See how you feel in 12 or 18 months, or longer.

But after typing all of that my mind does go to a few couples I know who had babies after just over a year together, both have since gone onto get married and have homes of their own. I just don't think it was the easy way for them.

Slow down.

You hardly know each other.

You don't have your own home. You say being at his parents means you don't have money worries, but you can't just plan a baby relying on living with your in-laws for free. You need to be able to afford to live on your own, including when you're down to one salary through mat leave, and then paying for childcare if you return to work.

If you haven't realised this, you're a long way off being in a position to think about planning a baby.

I echo what others have said. You are so young and it really is better to be in a long term committed relationship or marriage with a home of your own first before having a family.

We don't live here for free. My point was that we wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage and all our other outgoings on one wage. We probably never would be able to. Does that mean we should never have a baby?

I've been a bit about the 'buy a house' advice...
I'm 35, and can't quite afford to buy a house yet. For sure, nursery fees have dented our ability to save, but I wouldn't swap my son for a bit more money in the deposit account.

You might want to be in a more stable housing set-up though? And I do agree that a year isn't a terribly long time to make that decision. It feels a bit more like you're being swayed by what's going on in the wider family (and possibly also about the baby you didn't have), instead of really thinking about what's right for you right now.

Btw, baby weight and stretch marks are the last of your worries about being pregnant

We don't live here for free. My point was that we wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage and all our other outgoings on one wage. We probably never would be able to. Does that mean we should never have a baby?

So what's your plan then? Rent is usually more than a mortgage. Are you trying to increase your earnings? Or study/train for two better paid jobs? Or do you just intend to live with and be subsidised by your in-laws forever? I doubt they'd be thrilled about that (and just because they say now "Oh we love having you both here", that doesn't mean they want you to live there long term and start a family under their roof. That is a whole other level of selfish/entitled/piss-taking).

You need to be independent before you think about and plan to have a child who will be entirely dependent on you.

Spend the next few years working your socks off, both of you, and then see where you are. You will still be on the young side for starting a family then.

I'm not really sure I understand why having a baby was a really bad idea 8 months ago but now it's suddenly a great idea? 8 months is not a very long time at all.

You wouldn't have to do it all on one wage, you could go back to work, or you could save up before you take maternity leave. You don't have to live with your in laws for ever in order to afford to have children, but if you have children now you are going to find it an awful lot harder to move out.

Btw, baby weight and stretch marks are the last of your worries about being pregnant

Ain't that the truth!

SonicBoomBoom

I did spend a disproportionate amount of time explaining myself and then realised I have no obligation to explain myself to strangers on the internet.
My question never encompassed my living or financial situation it was merely about being ready as an individual for a baby on an emotional level, regardless of my present situation. It was an isolated question that I wanted practical, honest advice on.
For some reason, you have answered everything but my question and instead decided to offer badly constructed, critical financial planning advice. If I had needed that, I would have gone to a bank. I can handle criticism, I expected criticism. What I did not expect was for someone with such little information to belittle me. Even if my plans were to be selfish/entitled/pisstaking, that is not for you to pass judgement on. I have taken every comment here on board and appreciate them all but if I had have known asking for advice would have lead me to you, I probably wouldn't have bothered.
I hope you and your child(ren) have many happy and wonderful years in your ivory tower.

Me and my DP have been together 2 yrs and have a 4 month old DD so we had a baby quite quickly into the relationship - we bought a house when I was pregnant. All the advice about it's too soon, if it feels right then it feels right so ignore that, but only you know the answer to that.
Living with his parents can still be a stable home - again only you know the house situation.
Stretch marks and weight gain - side effect of been pregnant and not everyone gets them. I have and although they bother me my partner isn't phased by them. I got them by carrying his child.
If everyone waited for the perfect time to have a family then there wouldn't be many families about as there is always something in your circumstances that could potentially make that time not 100% right.

I would just speak in full with my partner, go through pros and cons. What's worrying you and how he would support you etc and make your decision together. It's your twos baby so only you two can decide x

It may be unpleasant to hear it but sonic is absolutely right.

Whether you're emotionally ready is only a small part of whether it's the right time to have a baby. It is way, way too early in your relationship to consider this.

I wouldn't have children without being married if I planned to give up work/go part time. I assume from your comment about managing on one salary that you plan to stop work? You would be in a very vulnerable position financially if you split up.

There is no rush. Get married, have a fab honeymoon, buy a house (that seemed to be on the cards before?) work on your career, save some money so when you're on mat leave you can enjoy it without money worries.

We own a house and can't pay all the bills I one salary either. We saved up enough to cover my mat leave (I took the whole year) and I'm going back to work 3 days a week. We planned for about 3 years before ttc and I'm really glad that we did.

I have already considered the other factors, hence why I also didn't ask for your opinion on that either Oyster. :)

I hope you and your child(ren) have many happy and wonderful years in your ivory tower.

Considering you're not mature enough to hold an adult conversation, you definitely need to wait a good long while before you're mature enough to bring a child into the world.

No one is in an Ivory Tower, you're just fairly defensive and delusional. I'm 30+1 with my first and morning sickness was an absolute breeze compared to SPD - stretch marks are the least of my concerns.

Take some time to get to know your partner - a year is absolutely nothing.

No I still plan to work however I'm only entitled to 14 weeks maternity on full pay and obviously I'd like more time off than that. It would be a struggle to pay all of outgoings on just my partners wage and SMP for the remainder. It seems a lot to be trying to save for a mortgage and also a years salary.

We both work in management roles so I am happy careerwise and our wedding is already booked and the majority paid for.

We only plan to be here for a year as we can save what we need and then some in the meantime for our house, by the time I've gone back after maternity leave we hope to have moved.

Jesus christ, Horse. I asked a simple question and have been accused of being self-entitled and taking the piss? Based on, as I said, very limited information.
Of course I'm going to be defensive when people are wrongly accusing me based on conclusions they've jumped to.

With regards to getting to know my partner, his brother is married to my sister and our families have been involved for the best part of 10 years.

hi @Bambam95

I have to say I do agree with most of the other posters here about your living situation, but I did come from a similar situation to you so just wanted to add my story, thought it might help!

DH and I are low earners with lots of debt (uni and other) we let it spiral out of control and couldn't afford our rent payments anymore. Luckily DH's parents let us move in with them for a few months to recover and get our debts in order. We worked all the hours we could whilst living with them and practically had to force rent money on them. As soon as we were financially stable again we moved out into a much cheaper rental house. Then we managed to save for a wedding. Now I am 14 weeks pregnant and I feel so good that we've managed to turn our situation around and be truly independent both financially and living arrangements wise, however we would never have started trying for a baby whilst living with DH's parents, however much we wanted to get to it straight away (we were advised to start before I was 30 for health reasons) I think that would have been selfish and not fair on DH's parents and it would have put pressure on us to find a house/get married before the baby was due.

Honestly, just do yourself a favour and slow down, take your time and get it right.

I don't think you are quite ready. Enjoy your time together first . Seems like you have planned the house situation so get that sorted and enjoy your home together for a while.

When me and my DH discussed the possibility of having a child and I told him how much childcare cost and how much SMP was his jaw dropped! He said we'd never afford it! But we saved the whole time I was pregnant, made some savings elsewhere and somehow, even though I've gone back to work 4 days a week and had to find a different job which pays a hell of a lot less than my previous one, we manage (although I hate being more financially dependent on him after 10 years of being practically equal)

I think when you're ready the possibility of stretch marks and weight gain won't bother you. You might be lucky like me, not one stretch mark, not even one day of nausea let alone sickness and lost all the baby weight without trying even though I lived on biscuits (breastfeeding is magic). I am a whole lot wobblier than I used to be but you know what? I don't care, DS doesn't care and DH doesn't care.

Sorry that was long. In summary, enjoy your time together and don't worry about all the unpleasant bits that may or may not happen to your body. When you're fully ready you won't care about that anyway.

OP, pregnancy is hard. It's a strain on a relationship. Parenting is a million times harder. I can't imagine going through this with someone I'd only been with for a year. And even more than that I'd hate to go through it all while living with my in-laws, no matter how much I liked them. You need space.

Wouldn't it be better to wait until you're in your own home, just the two of you, and you've built a strong and secure foundation in your marriage? It will never, ever be the same after you have children. You won't be able to prioritise each other in the same way as you can do now.

I'm a decade older than you and if I could have waited longer, I would have. I can't wait to be a mum but I also love being with my husband and having an amazing time just the two of us. If I could have had another 10 years of that - even 5 - I totally would have done.

What's the rush? You're both still young. Enjoy being married. Go on holiday. Save so your maternity leave is easier. Buy or rent your own space. And then add children to the equation.

Just a thought but have you looked into whether you would get a mortgage if you have a baby? The affordability criteria are strict so will take childcare etc into account. It's something to bear in mind.