Don't know what to do?!

[Bambam95]

I'm new on here so please be nice!

Me and my fiance are considering having a baby. I'm 22, he's 28 and we've been together for just over a year. We recently had some issues with our landlord and decided to move back in with his parents while we figured out what to do.

We decided to save up whilst we're here and buy a house instead of getting back into renting after the nightmare we had with our landlord.

8 months ago I fell pregnant whilst on the pill. We hadn't been together very long, had just moved into a house and were worried about money so decided on a termination.
We both had regrets but felt at the time we weren't in the best position for a baby.

We are now. We've been talking about it for a while and now my fiances sister is having a baby and his brothers children are constantly here and being surrounded by it all has made us consider it more seriously. Our relationship is stronger now and being here has taken the pressure of money off of us so all those initial worries are out of the way.

I do have concerns though. I suffer from emetophobia ( a fear of being sick) and worry about morning sickness. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had my termination and some days I couldn't lift my head off the sofa because I felt so ill and the thought of doing that again and potentionally being sick terrifies me.

I question if I'm too young, and thoughts of childbirth and baby weight and stretch marks and all these other things run round my head and every time I get excited at the thought of being a mom, I worry myself silly over something else.

So I suppose my question is this, are all these thoughts normal when considering starting a family or is it a sign I'm not ready?
And are there any mommies here who've had emetophobia who have been put off starting a family? How did you cope with dealing with that whilst being pregnant?

Any advice is greatly appreciated! X

Op, I have to agree - you are clearly bright and articulate, but that doesn't make you wise. You are coming across as a petulant teenager. I'd wait until you're a bit more mature.

OP you seem to have made your mind up. You asked for advice and everyone has given you really good advice, it might just not be what you wanted to hear! You seem to be getting your back up a bit (not insulting you just making the observation!) and that tells me you have already made your decision. I think maybe my post will be more the kind of thing you were hoping to hear!

To answer the questions you asked - there are anti sickness meds you could take to help with sickness and I'm sure having the beautiful baby you want at the end of it all will be more than worth it. I can understand this would be worrying for you however. As for stretch marks - you may not get them, if you do they will fade and you probably won't be too bothered anyway as you'll have a baby to focus on! As for childbirth - look into it more. Research as much as you can - decide what will be best for you. I wanted a natural waterbirth and discovered hypnobirthing which is worth looking into if you are fearful. As for worrying about being too young - let me tell you my story.

I was 23 when I fell pregnant with my DD. I'd just started my first year of teaching, my then bf was working in a call centre at the other side of the country but in the process of applying for the RAF. We both lived with our parents and didn't even live together, in fact lived 3 hours apart. We had known each other for 5 years (met at uni) but we had a very volatile relationship and were on and off for those years and at the time of falling pregnant had only been "back on" for 3 months. We had so many misgivings. Many will say there's no "right" time to get pregnant but on paper my pregnancy certainly didn't seem like the right time!

In one year, my then bf began RAF training, I completed my first year of teaching, we bought a house, we bought a dog, we had a baby and we got engaged.

3 and a half years on my gorgeous RAF officer husband has a fab career, we have a lovely house, and a beautiful almost 3 year old daughter, and we are expecting twins

It may be wiser for you to get things a bit more in order in your life, and also not to forget you have plenty of time to make the decision. And I understand my situation is personal to me. But your life is what you make of it so do what you feel is right at the end of the day.

@Bambam I am emetophobic too and it is horrible. I've been with my OH ten years and he has always wanted children. Last year I finally started to feel ready, but when I actually got pregnant it was a nightmare of panic attacks about feeling sick! I then had the most horrible miscarriage accompanied with awful guilt about my resentment towards the baby because I was so scared of being sick.

It is a real, horrible, restricting phobia and I am truly sorry you have it too. It is brave you are considering pregnancy again because of the risk you may be ill from it. Your phobia doesn't make you immature, I don't think it's something you necessarily suddenly grow out of without the help of therapy and/or medication. I've had it for about 15 years now. The miscarriage did change my perspective though. I needed a baby after that. I was so heartbroken, and then I had another miscarriage straight after without a period in between and went in to the worst hole.

The perspective I gained was that I am so terrified of being sick, but for me now having a baby is worth facing that fear. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant and haven't been sick once. It isn't a guarantee that you will be. I am worrying a bit about vomiting in labour but my midwife has assured me they will give me antisicknesa drugs. You will have support from your GP and midwife. You will get through it.

It sounds to me like you perhaps have some lingering regret about your termination, do you think maybe you want a baby now, to replace the baby that was terminated? Whatever your reasons for an abortion, it is ok to grieve for that baby still. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. It may not necessarily be the right time for you right now if that is the case, but at least now you may know that parenthood will lie in your future. X

Ah, I remember being 22 and thinking I knew everything about how life would play out.

Work and save for a few more years, and then consider the baby. It's pure naivety to think it's a good idea to have a baby at 22, when you've only been with the bloke for one year and are living in his parents' house.

@Bambam95 I think some of these comments have been really harsh towards you, you and your partner both have jobs, your getting married it's entirely your decision if you feel ready for a baby, I will say tho that it can be quite stressful moving house with a baby, we did it ourselves, but you deal with it and also most of the women on hear would have worried about morning sickness especially if you have a fear of being sick, there's other threads on hear about sickness if you do decide to have a baby you should check those out good luck

I agree @lauralou where's the compassion :( 22 isn't a child, she is an adult. Some of the comments are just patronising and mean. I'm sure women over the age of 22 worried about their bodies changing! I want my baby more than anything, it doesn't mean I am immediately comfortable with my body expanding in all directions! And if you've never had a fear of vomiting it is hard to understand how debilitating it can be. Many emetophobes don't even have children because the fear of morning sickness is so great. I also don't get why you must be married to be in a stable relationship. Yeah there are financial and legal benefits to being married, but really, what age are people living in?? My OH's parents aren't married and have been happily together for thirty years. Should they have not had him all those years ago?? Should I not have tried for my much wanted baby because me and my OH aren't married yet?

@Hazandduck well said claps hands

Honestly it's yours and your partners decision. I'm 23 and pregnant (first time) and I feel like I could of done with saving first. We currently rent and I would have much preferred to have saved for a deposit and gotten a mortgage first but not everything goes to plan! This lo was half planned and we said if it's meant to be then I'll get pregnant when it's right. I would have loved to have a savings account for when I'm off on maternity and to be able to decorate how I want etc but I may not be able to have the full time off that I wanted. Also, me and oh had only been back together for two months when we found out (known each other for three years and had a previous relationship) Just some things to consider!

You don't have to be married to be in a stable relationship but if you are an unmarried stay at home parent you are very vulnerable financially. I couldn't give a flying fuck if people are married from a moral perspective but if your partner decides he wants out and you're not married you can genuinely be left homeless and reliant on benefits overnight.

A friend of mine went through exactly that. DP left her for someone else, it was his house. She had to get out, had no money at all, was reliant on food banks and people helping her out. He was self employed and used every trick in the book to pay minimal maintenance whilst buying cars and going on holiday. It happens.

Obviously people have babies in less than ideal circumstances and make it work and fair play to them but if you're planning it why not plan to put yourself in the best possible situation you can first? Especially when there is no time pressure? I don't think suggesting that is being particularly condescending and I doubt the people here suggesting marriage first are backward old judgemental croans insisting on marriage for no reason. More likely they've seen what the outcome can be if the worst happens and don't want the OP to find herself in that position.

Ok... I've been reading the thread as it's progressed and I'm not going to add any advice to OP as all I'd say has already been said (beautifully by @Floellabella I might add!) but can I just check that this is essentially the summary...:
OP: I think I want to have a baby, here's a list of considerations I have, are these a sign that I'm not ready?
Posters: Sounds like you're not ready OP.
OP: You all know nothing, I'm ready.

🙈🙈🙈

Hey my lovely. Whilst I don't think anybody is 100% ready for a baby, I do think you should wait. Even if it's a few months to half a year. What's the rush, your both young and you have forever. When you feel like the time is right you will know, you won't have to ask people's opinions or for help because you will know it will feel right. Btw don't let the negative comments get you down, you know how people are. People are very quick to judge a situation they are not in. Just do you xxx