Don't know what to do?!

[Bambam95]

I'm new on here so please be nice!

Me and my fiance are considering having a baby. I'm 22, he's 28 and we've been together for just over a year. We recently had some issues with our landlord and decided to move back in with his parents while we figured out what to do.

We decided to save up whilst we're here and buy a house instead of getting back into renting after the nightmare we had with our landlord.

8 months ago I fell pregnant whilst on the pill. We hadn't been together very long, had just moved into a house and were worried about money so decided on a termination.
We both had regrets but felt at the time we weren't in the best position for a baby.

We are now. We've been talking about it for a while and now my fiances sister is having a baby and his brothers children are constantly here and being surrounded by it all has made us consider it more seriously. Our relationship is stronger now and being here has taken the pressure of money off of us so all those initial worries are out of the way.

I do have concerns though. I suffer from emetophobia ( a fear of being sick) and worry about morning sickness. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had my termination and some days I couldn't lift my head off the sofa because I felt so ill and the thought of doing that again and potentionally being sick terrifies me.

I question if I'm too young, and thoughts of childbirth and baby weight and stretch marks and all these other things run round my head and every time I get excited at the thought of being a mom, I worry myself silly over something else.

So I suppose my question is this, are all these thoughts normal when considering starting a family or is it a sign I'm not ready?
And are there any mommies here who've had emetophobia who have been put off starting a family? How did you cope with dealing with that whilst being pregnant?

Any advice is greatly appreciated! X

I just want to comment on the sickness thing.

If you were so poorly at 6 weeks that you struggled to lift your head, there's a reasonable chance it could happen again. Pregnancy sickness can be bad, and unpredictable. It hit me like a ton of bricks from 5 weeks. I'm still suffering now at 29 weeks. It's impacted hugely on my life and my husband, I've had to take time off of work. It's been awful.

Just bare in mind that 1. You could get sick again and 2. You don't know how long it will last. It could go by the end of the first trimester, it could hand around until labour. It might be worth discussing your previous sickness and fear of vomiting with your GP before you get pregnant, so there's a plan in place if you do get ill.

I wouldn't have a baby with someone I had been with for such a short time. Whether I was financially stable or not. Been with dp five years, both have good jobs and I still feel like we should of waited a bit longer.
Now 8 months pregnant. You still have plenty of time to have kids

Hey @Bambam95,

I'm not going to give you any advice on what you should or shouldn't do (welcome to MN!) but I also have emetophobia and I am currently 16 weeks pregnant, so I wanted to offer you some support there.

My husband and I have wanted a baby for ages but my fear has been a huge barrier. Eventually, I went to speak to my GP about it. He didn't really help, but it did give me a way of talking through some of my fears and making it all more real.

I thought about hypnosis, but in the end I decided against it and we started TTC.

When we found out we were pregnant, I prepared myself by reading as much as I could about morning sickness and really understanding what causes it, as well as other people's experience of what helped them.

I DID feel nauseous for about 5 weeks and, I won't lie, it was really tough. I felt anxious most of the time and I cried a lot, but I repeated a mantra to myself until the waves past and I got through it. Ginger ale helped and NEVER having an empty stomach.

I'm lucky that I wasn't actually sick, but I had prepared myself for that as a possibility.

I would say - make sure you have people around you who understand how debilitating a phobia this can be, and NOT people who will just tell you morning sickness is normal and to get on with it. Obviously, you will know that's true but it won't make the fear go away. A strong, understanding relationship with your partner is crucial.

If you decide to have a baby, this will be a challenge for you, but your strong and it won't beat you. Remind yourself of that ALL THE TIME

Good luck x

Hi OP,

You can't possibly talk about whether it's the right time to have a baby without considering the financial side of things. I don't like the sound of your set up at all, including the length of time with your partner, your living arrangements and no mention of how you will secure yourself work-wise or finances-wise as a young unmarried mother with no career behind you. But these are all choices for you to make, I would just like to see you be a bit more savvy about securing yourself for a few possible situations before having a baby.

Regarding the vomiting fear, you will have to deal with that whenever you have a baby. I have suffered badly for all my pregnancies and throw up 4-6 times a day from 6-16 weeks. You just can't know. But you will I believe have a baby sometime so will deal with it somehow should you be unlucky enough to be sick.

Good luck anyway. Thinking about these things is exciting. Doing is very serious stuff!

You can't possibly talk about whether it's the right time to have a baby without considering the financial side of things.

I didn't say I hadn't considered these things, I was asking a question about what concerns other first time mothers have. I didn't realise it was necessary to explain every other factor in order to get an answer to this.

no mention of how you will secure yourself work-wise or finances-wise as a young unmarried mother with no career behind you

Again, I didn't deem it necessary to discuss my finances when asking about other, unrelated concerns. What relevance does being married have?

@MegRam

I hope when I do have a baby I handle the nausea and sickness half as well as you have! You should be so proud for sticking it out, I know how hard it can be x

What relevance does being married have?

Quite a lot when it comes to having DC, especially when you're living in your in-laws' house, in a relatively new relationship, and have very little career experience and not a lot of money to fall back on. You put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position.

I know you didn't post to hear about these things, but they really are much more important considerations than morning sickness and stretchmarks. If you don't want to discuss them with us, can I please suggest that you go and do some research, into what happens to a lot of unmarried mothers who are not financially independent when their relationship hits bumpy ground. The Relationships board on Mumsnet is a good place to start.

OP, being married is very important as if things break down between you and your partner you will find yourself possibly left alone, parenting a small child, with no real ability to work (cost of childcare assuming you are not a junior lawyer or something highly paid) and no way to really get fair financial support from your partner. Being married means that you are automatically entitled to a fair share of assets etc from him. It's not foolproof, if he doesn't have much either but it's wise, especially if you end up putting your career on hold to raise child/children.

You haven't mentioned finances but you are living with his parents so that doesn't sound so fine. it sounds to me like having a baby now would put you in a very vulnerable position for all the things you did tell us in your op.

The days of a woman relying on a man are not quite over but very perilous. I will make sure to educate and encourage my girls to be financially independent with options at all stages in life. It's something that is important to me and I know even now I could house, feed and educate my soon to be four kids alone should anything ever happen.

I know you clearly don't want this advice but it's what jumped out at me from your op. My advice is enjoy the planning and thinking about it but make sure you know your DP very well and have experienced a few more things together, and have a home that is not dependent on your bf parents. Also ideally some work that you can go back to if/when you need to either for yourself or your family.

OP, when it comes to having a baby, the least of your worries are stretch marks and baby weight. Being able to support your child financially and emotionally, and having that support and security for yourself are two of the most important considerations. Nobody is being unkind to you here - we're offering you sensible advice.

People have babies in worse circumstances than your current ones and if you're determined to have one right now, you will. But what we're saying is that you will enjoy it a lot more if you wait until you are emotionally, practically and financially ready.

What's the rush?

very little career experience
Of course, because I'm 22 and therefore what a wild notion it would be for me to have a career!

I love the fact that the advice is not "have a child with a man who will provide for you and his child it's "make sure you're married so he can't get out of it!"

I have considered finances. Just as a side note, as previously mentioned, I am employed, I do have a career however my concern was being able to have more time at home with a child due to the duration where my OMP would stop, hence one salary for that time period. 3 whole months. Hopefully my partner doesn't throw me and the baby out to live in the car!

OP you clearly feel your ducks are in a row. It's your choice.

If you're wedding is already largely planned and paid for and you think you'll have saved enough to move out in a year or so, I'd advise waiting.

Living with relatives long term is bloody hard (I'm doing it myself at the moment) - how will you feel having them around if you have raging morning sickness, piles etc? Or after the baby is born, bleeding heavily, full of hormones, exhausted and leaking milk from boobs that feel like red hot boulders?

I mean this as gently as possible, but perhaps you would benefit from some counselling regarding your termination last year. It's a significant thing to come to terms with and even moreso if you are constantly surrounded by relatives babies & children.

I love the fact that the advice is not "have a child with a man who will provide for you and his child it's "make sure you're married so he can't get out of it!"

Hopefully you'll be lucky but with the best will in the world many of us on here are a trifle longer in the tooth than you are so inclined to be a little cynical why do you think I'm living with my parents atm?

OP, you have asked for advice and you have been given some really thoughtful and sound advice. Responding defensively is pointless. If you want to disregard the points raised then go ahead - get pregnant, no one is stopping you! I suspect however you recognise a kernel of truth in them otherwise you wouldn't be so bothered. Im sure everyone is wishing you all the best with whatever you decide is right for you.

I'm really sorry but I do think if your worries are about stretch marks and weight gain you are perhaps not ready to be a parent.....

You're being obtuse, OP. And responding like a teenager.

At 22, you are at the beginning of your career. You haven't properly established yourself enough to take a year out and not have it make a massive impact on your career progression and pay in future (sad but true). You don't (yet) have a "good enough" career that pays enough for you to be able to be financially independent if you're not living with your boyfriend's parents.

It sounds like you are ready for a baby OP, and I know how hard it can be to talk yourself round when you're decided on something.
But, from my perspective, I'd say get the wedding out of the way and get into your family home ready for when the baby comes first. Whether that's rented or with a mortgage.
I'd prefer that for myself because I know I'd want to spend time decorating the house and getting it just right before the baby came and I know that'd be a lot easier when not pregnant!
However I'm rambling

Long story short, do what you want (in a nice way)

When's the wedding OP? Is it far off? Not sure whether you've said and I've missed it

How do your in-laws feel about sharing their home with a newborn baby?

There's far too many of you to reply to at this point! Thank you to the people who answered my initial questions, thank you for the cynical advice, misplaced assumptions and the occasional belittling thrown in, it's been a pleasure.
If any of you come across an unemployed, unmarried, homeless, pregnant woman crying about being sick and ignorantly giving half a toss about the damage pregnancy has done to her body, it'll probably be me - be sure to wave!

It's a real shame you're not listening to any of the advice on this thread, OP - it was, on the whole, very sensible and constructive.

I think you have probably made up your mind? Or are struggling getting over your previous pregnancy or people around you being pregnant? Try hypnosis for vomiting phobia as it sounds as if are likely to suffer from nausea/ vomiting again. You have been asking for advice from people who have spades of experience.....

Wow OP you are sounding very young with the rudeness towards people who are telling you sensible stuff.

My partner and I had lots of debts and lived in a rented property when we found out I was pregnant first time round...but someone told me baby always comes at the right and youll know what to do...didn't believe it then but despite extortionate nursery fees we saved for deposit (one of us on just above min wage Btw) so it's all doable. If you continue to wait till you're ready you may find you never will be...

I think rather than thinking about stretch marks and being sick as the major considerations, you need to think about weather you will be able / happy to cope with the huge responsibility a child brings. You literally barely get a second to yourself / disrupted sleep forever / all future holidays and meals out will be, err, different etc etc etc. Stretch marks really are the least of your worries (although I don't have any so easy to say!).

If you are happy with all of the above then go for it but you aren't even settled in your own home yet, you've only been together a year so can't have travelled / partied that much. What's the rush? If I were you I'd wait at least 5 years when you will likely be more financially stable / settled and will have had chance to live a little.