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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to get out of a hen do abroad

24 replies

2017Babyontheway · 19/02/2017 21:51

Help! I really need advice!

I have recently found out I'm pregnant (7+3) and am due to go on an abroad hen do in 2 weeks time.
I really don't want to go anymore as I don't feel comfortable going abroad before I have had my 12 week scan. I don't want to tell anyone on the hen do that I'm pregnant but I need a convincing lie to get out of it in the next week or so!

Any ideas will be welcome!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

witwootoodleoo · 19/02/2017 21:56

Ear infection meaning you can't fly? Congratulations

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 19/02/2017 21:57

Just say you're ill.

Although if you've already paid for this and it's not going to be a 'lairy' hen do I would be very tempted to go. Especially if there's a spa on site.
I'd presume Bride to be is a relatively close friend- in which case I wouldn't want to let them down.

BeccyButterfly · 19/02/2017 22:09

If you really don't want to go, and confiding in the bride is not an option, i would leave it til the last minute and fake an illness. If you say it's work commitments/money issues etc you may get people pestering you to change ur mind. Good luck!

MorningHeavyWeight · 19/02/2017 22:26

I'm going against the grain here, but I don't think you should fake an illness. Surely when you do announce the pregnancy your friends would figure out that you had lied about being ill. Fair enough if you don't want to tell them yet, but I would be a bit annoyed if I'd been worried about your health / sympathised and then realised I'd been lied to.

I would much prefer you to tell me that you have an upcoming financial obligation you haven't budgeted for and simply cannot afford the spending money now. That way when you do announce your pregnancy I would understand the validity of your reason (babies are expensive after all) without believing you to be duplicitous.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/02/2017 22:33

Why don't you want to go? I flew in my first pregnancy at about 17 weeks on the basis that if something went wrong, there was probably very little that could stop it. I'd feel even more like this before 12 weeks. If you're feeling unwell or are worried about being pressured to drink, then that's another thing, but the reality is that if you have complications at this stage, whether in the U.K. or not, you probably just have to wait and see what happens. You might get a scan, but I think any actual intervention is highly unlikely. You could always check the medical cover on your travel insurance and the availability of hospitals where you're going for reassurance?

Unlike a pp, I wouldn't care at all if you lied about being ill to conceal an early pregnancy. I'd find illness a more compelling reason to cancel than money.

Original poster

2017Babyontheway · 20/02/2017 07:57

I don't really want to go anymore incase anything was to happen I'm in a foreign country, alone without my husband and it'll also ruin my friends hen do.

I would feel happier going after 12 weeks once I had the scan. The fact I'm going abroad isn't a problem as I have 3 holidays booked this year. It's just the fact I'm going in my first trimester and I'm worried something may happen.

OP posts:

TheTartOfAsgard · 20/02/2017 07:59

Say your passport has expired? Or that you can find it.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/02/2017 08:05

There's no magic ring of protection conferred by either the 12 week date or the scan.
But if you don't want to go, you don't have to. If you are close enough to the bride to be invited on a hen do abroad, you should show her the basic courtesy of explaining why you are cancelling. You could tell her you don't want it spread about,so iif anyone asks she could just refer to medical reasons.
But if you go on 3 other holidays while you are pregnant, she is likely to feel hurt, especially if your explanation is not convincing.

ememem84 · 20/02/2017 08:05

I'm in a similar position. 7+5 and was due to fly to nz in two weeks for my bils wedding. I'm not going. Dh still is.

We decided that although medically I'd be classed as fit to fly I'm a nervous flyer at the best of times, have been feeling unbelievably sick and the thought of two 26 hour flights in the space of three weeks was enough to out me off. It's uncomfortable enough when not pg. and for me the thought was in the unlikely event something went wrong I'd want to be close to my family. Or at least able to get home quickly. 12500 miles away and a 26 hour flight is not close. Or quick.

I would tell the bride. And leave it there. No excuses for the rest of the group. Just I can no longer attend.

Oh and congratulations!

mimiholls · 20/02/2017 08:50

If you say you're ill, when you do tell them they'll just think morning sickness which would be totally valid.

RockyBird · 20/02/2017 08:52

Congratulations OP & ememem

haveacupoftea · 20/02/2017 08:54

I think you should just tell the bride and everyone else can think you're sick.

rollonthesummer · 20/02/2017 08:54

Will you be letting down others financially? It there are eg 10 of you going and if you pull out then the same costs of the rooms will have to be increased and shared across only 9?

Maverickismywingman · 20/02/2017 08:57

You don't need to tell the other hens, but perhaps you could tell the bride, since it is her hen party.

I don't think you should fake illness but I do think it's up to you to do whatever you think is best. I had a friend who backed out of coming out and lied about being somewhere else (she didn't go to either thing). And while I understand her reasons, I felt a bit hurt that she made up quite an elaborate lie to cover being pregnant.

Best wishes

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2017 09:03

I think Heavyweight is certainly in the minority who would be offended at the lie of being ill. The vast majority would understand that you didn't want to go because you were pregnant and didn't want to announce your pregnancy. I also strongly suspect if you tell the bride the truth would come out to everyone over the course of a boozy hen do (I am admittedly a rubbish secret keeper)
It's a tough one. Even if you go surely everyone will figure it out when you don't drink. I think crying off ill a couple of days before is your best option.

PoisonousSmurf · 20/02/2017 09:11

Only tell the 'bride'. No point in going as you won't be able to drink, everyone will be pissed around you and it will be miserable. If you are going to a Spa, you can't even use the jacuzzi, steam room or sauna.
No point in lying as they would work it out anyway. Congratulations by the way

Sparklyuggs · 20/02/2017 09:12

I lied when in the early stages of Pg. I dislike lying but there was no other way to avoid certain situations and I wouldn't be offended if a friend said she had norovirus/uti/ear infection and then announced her pregnancy eight weeks later.

I think what would apply normally applies here: if you don't want to go, won't enjoy it and are very unhappy at the thought of it; willing to accept that the bride may be upset even when you say you are pregnant, then don't go. My DH wisely said to me that the friend who's 30th birthday I wasn't flying over to attend would never put herself through it if the show was on the other foot. Best case is to be honest with the bride, next best thing IMO is norovirus the day before flying.

That said, I know it's so hard but try not to fixate on what could happen. I have anxiety and it did spiral in early pg as I was so terrified of anything happening.

jpclarke · 20/02/2017 09:19

I flew long haul at 8 weeks pregnant, just had to wear the flight socks as advised by my doctor. On my second pregnancy I flew at 7 weeks, European for a family wedding. Again I wore flight socks and everything was fine. Air stewards and pilots I am sure don't take their first trimester off work. Everything will be fine. I would be more worried about how to get away with any pregnancy related sickness and tiredness on a hen do abroad than anything happening. Try not to stress, I know the first 12 weeks are hard and constant knicker watching but a flight will not do any harm. Plenty of fluids, keep your legs moving even just in circular motions while sitting.

ExpectoPatronummmm · 20/02/2017 10:08

Reaching 12 weeks and having a scan means nothing- things can happen after this time.
So don't stop yourself from going because of not having a scan.

Remember you are pregnant
(Not suffering from a terminal illness)

MorningHeavyWeight · 20/02/2017 11:07

I'll clarify, for me to drop out of a fun weekend abroad with friends due to illness, it would need to be an illness that was fairly significant, anything treatable with antibiotics I would go, enjoy the company of my friends, not drink if I wasn't able to on the medication or didn't feel well enough, and take down time when I needed to. I suppose that would change if it were anything contagious as I wouldn't want to infect others. What I'm trying to say is, I would have to be pretty poorly to not go, and so if I was telling my friends I was ill to the extent that I wasn't going on a holiday I had been looking forward to with them then they would worry. I don't think it's nice to cause someone worry with a lie.

I don't think you are a bad person if you do choose to use an excuse other than "I'm pregnant", I just think you should not cause unnecessary worry to your mates.

I think it comes down to how close you are with this group. To be going abroad for the hen do suggests that you are close with the bride. Would she be someone you sought support from if things were (heaven forbid) to go wrong? If she would be then I would be up front and tell her the reason, ask her to keep it to herself and then tuck myself up at home with whatever fancies I was craving if that's what you would rather do.

sunbird17 · 20/02/2017 14:55

Hmmm....I don't think I would go. Maybe say the day before that you can't stop vomiting (could turn out to be true!) and that you think you are going down with something and can't face travelling/don't want to ruin her hen do?

MumBeth · 20/02/2017 15:07

My sister's Hen party will be taking place whilst I'm still carrying and I totally understand your reservations. Although everyone now knows I'm pregnant, so we are a bit different there, I'm still going but only for one night as the other nights/days they all have a pretty crazy time planned. Everyone fully understands why I can't financially afford the full hen party and why I'd rather be at home with my partner.

I think you are totally fine to cancel and say you are ill, especially as first trimester is so draining anyway so you are basically ill! Everyone should understand later when up announce the pregnancy. I also totally get the 12 week thing as chance of miscarriage as lowered then and you've seen baby is okay.

Good luck and remember you are just doing what you feel is best for your baby xx

mummabubs · 20/02/2017 18:25

Do whatever is best for you but incase it helps... I flew at 3 weeks pregnant (found out I was pregnant whilst abroad so flew back pregnant at 4 weeks). Dr at home completely reassured me that's there's no evidence of flying being dangerous in the first trimester, just third in case it brings on labour early). And don't get me wrong, at 8 weeks I'm very aware of the anxiety that you feel in the first trimester about things going ok, but the odds are with you for everything to go well. Whilst miscarriage is "common" that actually means one in five... so four of those five go just fine

PuddingPie16 · 20/02/2017 20:15

Speaking from experience of having a hen-do abroad last year (and someone pulling out the last minute) I would tell the bride now. She may be able to organise a replacement or sort out your cancellation...it is only fair.

In regards to going on a hen-do, I do get that if you go on it and can't drink then the others would guess you were pregnant! (Unless you pulled the 'anti-biotics' card) and also it wouldn't be as fun, lets be honest. I would maybe confide in the bride that you are ill and don't think you will be going and at least when the news comes out, she will understand.

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