Help - my parents are coming to stay with us 3 weeks after my due date - husband is not happy.

[MrsG2017]

Hi All,

I could really do with some support, have been awake most of the night crying and worrying. We live in NZ and my parents are currently with us for 3 weeks. (im 32 weeks) they then come back at the end of April approximately 3 weeks after due date. They will be staying with us for three weeks.

While i can cope with them and their ways, my husband cannot. I feel stuck in the middle of not wanting to break my parents hearts by being firm with them or asking them to stay elsewhere (they have traveled to the other side of the world and we are the ones that decided to move here) but I also see my husbands heartache at wanting just special time with us together with our baby.

I would value everyone's opinions.

My parents are so kind and generous but quite opinionated and not independent. So we cant rely on them jumping an a car off sightseeing for a day or just sitting quietly in the garden with a book entertaining themselves. They will be under our feet, wanting to "help" but driving my husband potty instead.

I think i made a mistake letting them book flights to stay for that long, but i am also a bit sad that my husband cant consider that I might want them here. Piggy in the middle springs to mind!

Thanks everyone i would love to hear your stories.

Firstly congrats MrsG! My DH gets on with my parents & he really is super supportive but he'd be annoyed with them staying for 3 weeks. But I know that he would suck it up. I don't know how I would've got through the first 3 months without my mum. She's my best friend & kept me sane when DD was a newborn as she was a crier who wouldn't settle for anyone apart from me and my mum!

Does your DH get paternity leave? Could you not ask them to come to stay a bit later? My DH's parents came to stay for three weeks when our DD was 10 weeks, they also didn't want to go off on their own and we're dependent on us. It wasn't easy and I would have found it infuriating when she was newborn.

To add, they wanted to come out around my due date, but we pointed out I could go way overdue, so they may only get a week with the baby and that my hormones would be all over the place. Well meaning advice wasn't exactly appreciated all the time even from my own family.

Thanks for the super quick replies! my DH works for himself so we were planning that he may possibly take a couple of months off, so effectively once they are gone we do have all the time in the world together.

Sadly they had booked this trip prior to finding out I was pregnant so rather than have to buy more flights etc, i thought at the time it was best that they extend their current holiday. My SIL is having them stay with her and her two kiddies for 8 weeks in aussie so that they don't descend on us right after birth.

I am thinking i need to grow up and speak to them and set some boundaries, my DH feels i let them walk all over me (i do!) I am a people pleaser always at my own peril but id rather other people be happy than have awkward conversations. I just dont want them to feel unwanted, i feel so guilty for leaving England and putting myself in this situation.

Hi Dixie, yes of course I do. In hindsight maybe 3 weeks is too long and that is my fault. I am worried I will be overdue and then no time to myself but I couldn't deny them the chance to spend time with their grandchild.

But likewise my DH has been through a lot with a past relationship and various things so I am mindful of his wishes too.

I have an aunt an hour away so I am thinking I ask them to go and stay with her for a little bit ? It's hard to know, until the bubba decides when he/she wants to be born we don't know what time we have do we.

All I do know is this is killing me I am so sad and tired and have had to have the day off work because o would just be a mess.

I'm in a similar situation op and I really sympathize. Fortunately my parents are very independent but I live in a non English speaking country in a small flat so I am a little worried about when my parents come.

If I were you I would have a word with them now about being a bit more independent when they next come. They've had children themselves, surely they will understand how stressed and worn out you'll be. Tell them you'd like an hour / few hours to yourselves every day.

I think I feel sorrier for your SIL who has them for 8 weeks! That's extremely generous of her. Maybe you can couch your independence chat with me them in the guise of asking them to be respectful of SIL's Space while they are with her, as she's doing everyone such a huge favour.

Maybe it'll encourage them to have more initiative.

I think your husband is being a little unreasonable. Of course you want them there. They are inevitably going to miss out on a lot of things living so far away so give them a chance to make the most of it. No doubt they will help you loads too. Give dad some jobs that need doing around the house, have mum batch cook a load of meals for you. Let them help you. Good luck and congratulations.

I'm in NZ too. I can empathise! My dmum has just been out and stayed for 3 weeks and to be honest it was far too long. We hadn't seen her for over 2 years though and she wanted to come out for as long as she could get off work and she can't afford to stay elsewhere. Do your parents help out though? The reason it is so stressful for us is that mum doesn't help out at all, she won't even make a coffee, but expects me to wait on her, and moans if I don't take her out. She won't take herself out though. I end up absolutely exhausted by the end of the trip!

It is hard though as I get the guilt of living so far away, but it is just the intensity of the visit. If they will help you though it might make it easier. My dmum came out after dc3 and dc4 as I had c sections with both. She arrived 2 weeks after I had them when dh want back to work. She did 2 weeks. It was helpful to have someone to drive (but not having to wait on her...). If she'd helped out more I would have been far less stressed I think though.

OP they're flying from the other side of the world tp visit your SIL then popping across the sea tp you - they are independent.

I'd def talk with th / aunt about how great it would be whilst they're over to see her too!

As for DP his ex stuff shouldn't come onto play with your parents IMO.

Could you say to parents that you've lined up some things for th tp dp here PR want tp help they dp an itinerary as you want them tp make the most of it?

I in NZ, Had my dad out over christmas with step mum for 3 mths had a few weeks in between now have my mum and stepdad here. I am so tired I can't wait to have my house back. As long as you are not rural then I think you need to get them to go out and see whats on offer locally, Or send them on a coach trip. While they are here this time can you get them organised now on things they can help you with next visit. Maybe they can do the shopping or cooking. If you have a wood burner maybe one of them can keep the baskets well stocked next visit and get the stacking the wood this visit

I know it is a different thing as your parents are travelling so far to see you and it's both of them but my mum stayed with us for 3 weeks after the birth of DC1 and quite frankly was a total godsend. Yes DH didn't have his house to himself for that time, but because she is so good at doing stuff (cooking, cleaning, popping out to exchange baby gifts for us, buying things we'd forgotten), he actually got way more time with me and the baby than he might otherwise have done and didn't have to lift a finger for 3 weeks!
Will your parents be helpful or will they just sit around expecting coffee like another pp's? Can you couch it to DH that in many ways this might be a lovely thing for all of you? As long as your parents have their own room and are happy enough to potter a bit by themselves and will take the initiative to help, or can be asked to at least, then it might make it more relaxing not less. You will need to be firm in advance about wanting quiet time just the 3 of you. Maybe think now about what they can do to help, what you might like them to cook or get for you, so that you can be specific and try to get them out from under DH's feet!

If it were your PiL coming to stay I think everyone would be saying "you've got a DH problem and he needs to sort it out, etc"

If they're going to be helpful with running your home smoothly then leave it as it is, and hopefully DH will appreciate them being there. Is there a b&b/hotel near you where they could stay? You could suggest this to them and then just say that it would give you and DH quality time with the baby. That might help get your worries across to them without being too rude?

I can sympathise, and being in NZ makes it hard (assuming they're in the UK?). I think clear boundaries and expectations, and maybe a five day stay in the middle at your aunts?

Your DH needs to be a bit more fair, you live very far away and they won't see their grandchild again for months.

I sympathise though, we live abroad in Europe and my parents want to come asap but DH doesn't want them here during his paternity leave. I ended up having a toddler tantrum and telling them all to compromise and think about me not them

I really think once the baby is here, you will be glad of the help and the chance to be looked after! My mum stayed for a week, then inlaws for a week. They cooked for us, cleaned, took the baby when it all got too much. It was a great help! As long as you're not going to have to entertain/look after them and they will be helpful, I wouldn't worry. You will be exhausted from the night feeds and will be grateful to have a little company, someone to take the baby when it's grizzly, someone to cook the dinner. It will be a different scenario to when you usually spend time with them as the baby takes most of the focus.

So they're not actually going home until after they have stayed with you the 2nd time? They are flying from yours' to sil's and back again? That's a very long holiday. I think you do need to be firm with them, it is tricky.

Three weeks now and three weeks at the end of April is really an awful lot in a very short space of time. I would be really cross if my partner did that to me (and we adore each other's parents.) Not sure what to suggest though, it sounds like it would have been best sorted much earlier on in the process.

I do feel rather sorry for your dh, tbh. It's his baby too and if he is taking the time off work your parents don't 'need' to be there to help. They don't sound helpful anyway.

My dh has a tendency towards people pleasing (it's more a compulsion to 'help' in his case) and I notice that often the tendencies of people like this don't extend to their spouses. I think he probably has a point when he says you let them walk over you.

You are going to have to be firm (and whatever you do, make sure you talk about 'we' not 'dh' wanting some time alone as a family) - ideally they would go and stay with your aunt for a bit, do days out etc, but at the least need to respect a clear 'we need some time just the three of us now, folks'.

I also think 3 weeks is a long time. A bit too long. Surely you can talk to them about shortening it a bit.

Hopefully baby will arrive on time and you can have time with your DH before they arrive. DH needs to remember they may not see their grandchild for a very long time . If he is self employed he could work while your DP are there to help and take the time after. If his first child he may not realise how life is going to change and he too may appreciate the help from your parents !

I think 3 weeks is a very long time for your husband to feel uncomfortable. This is his home and his baby too - if they were his parents mn would be up in arms for you. Maybe have them stay a week with you and 2 in a hotel with days not with you.

Did they originally plan to stay for a three month trip? Where were they going to stay? I'm impressed by your SiL, does she know them?

When we lived abroad, both sets of parents stayed for three weeks each. We didn't have a new born though.

Can you ask them to do all the cooking while they stay? Or some other chore that would relieve you of some pressure? The laundry?

To be honest I'm not that sympathetic to your DH. I was going to suggest he save some of his paternity leave for after they have left, but he'll still have a lot after they go. He'll not have to share with them most of the time, after all.

Is it your first?

I think the reality of the 'special time' your DH is imaging might not quite live up to what he imagines when you're both juggling adjusting to a new baby, lack of sleep, and trying to manage to fit in household chores, eating, getting rest, etc. It might be MORE idyllic with people on hand to help out where they can. That's only if they're 'helpers' though, obviously.

I think you would be massively unreasonable to turn your parents away on the basis of your DH's exes behaviour! That has nothing to do with them, and if he's not over something that happened in a previous relationship I'd be questioning if he's ready for the current one, TBH.

At the end of the day though, it's up to you. Do YOU want them there? You're the one who will be recovering from the birth, with all the tiredness, hormones and readjustment that brings. You get the final say IMO.

If it was your PIL I am sure people would be saying he needs to het his "big pants on" and tell them not to. Lots of threads about this.

If I was your DH I would be very stressed and upset. 3 weeks in the house when it is time to bond as a new family of 3 is way too much imo.

My mum will come from another country and I will ask her to stay at a nearby B&B. She is not independent, on her own and she does not speak a word of English. But 2 weeks in my house is a lot with new baby (and probably without)

This is between you and your husband. I think you could sort out accommodation for them close to home.

By the time they get there you and your dh will be glad of the help

Also very likely the baby comes late. So if he is 2 weeks late (like mine and many other first babies are) you will only get 1 week alone with baby. That time is precious and the first 2 weeks are for you and DH to do lots LOTS of skin to skin and bonding.
I would find them a place to stay for 2 weeks whilst you learn your way and the last one they can stay at yours.

I personally would not have invited them so soon (mum will be buying tickets after baby is born and I will ask for 6 weeks wait since then) But you already did that so no point.