Help - my parents are coming to stay with us 3 weeks after my due date - husband is not happy.

[MrsG2017]

Hi All,

I could really do with some support, have been awake most of the night crying and worrying. We live in NZ and my parents are currently with us for 3 weeks. (im 32 weeks) they then come back at the end of April approximately 3 weeks after due date. They will be staying with us for three weeks.

While i can cope with them and their ways, my husband cannot. I feel stuck in the middle of not wanting to break my parents hearts by being firm with them or asking them to stay elsewhere (they have traveled to the other side of the world and we are the ones that decided to move here) but I also see my husbands heartache at wanting just special time with us together with our baby.

I would value everyone's opinions.

My parents are so kind and generous but quite opinionated and not independent. So we cant rely on them jumping an a car off sightseeing for a day or just sitting quietly in the garden with a book entertaining themselves. They will be under our feet, wanting to "help" but driving my husband potty instead.

I think i made a mistake letting them book flights to stay for that long, but i am also a bit sad that my husband cant consider that I might want them here. Piggy in the middle springs to mind!

Thanks everyone i would love to hear your stories.

For me, the needs of a woman after birth are more important than those of the man. She is the one who will be managing bleeding, leaking nipples, boobs on display, hormone imbalances etc. So I think it is ok for a woman to be comfortable with her family staying but not his. Especially if her relationship is more comfortable with her parents.
I don't think reversing the situation is particularly helpful.

When are his parents coming? Or are they in the same country?

Thanks everyone for your replies it is so interesting to hear everyone's opinions. Sadly my DH is estranged from his father and his poor mum passed away some years ago so he won't be getting any visitors. Which I understand makes him sad too.

I've spoken to my SIL for advice and she is on the same page as I and has advised I make a contingency for if we were to go overdue. She can then back me up when they are with her.

My DH is better today as we have spoke and agreed we will work out some boundaries and I will 100% discuss with my mum that if I am overdue I will have to ask them the stay up the road or with my aunt.

I feel for mum and dad as this trip was already planned so originally they would have been with us now for 3 weeks then off to my brother in Aussie and home to uk on 5th April. But as I found out I was pregnant and due on that date it seemed pointless them flying back tat the U.K. So hence why they are staying longer at my brothers and then coming back then us. Both are retired and so as they aren't staying in hotels at all the length of the trip doesn't bother them. I think I will just have to grow a spine and chat to them..... then if I get a negative response we'll that is a different thread

I kind of think your DH has to suck it up, and I say this as someone who has to suck up long MIL visits due to us being in NZ, and her 11,000km away.

That's the deal when you marry someone from another country, or emigrate.

My MIL has just left after a 4-week visit. She is not mobile or independent, so never leaves the house. She doesn't help out much other than to do the dishes and spring for a few takeaways.

Honestly - it's not the end of the world. Tell him to put his big boy pants on, and get on with it.

We had PIL arrive before DC2 was even born, and stay for 2 weeks. That did drive me nuts, but what can you do....

My 2nd baby is three weeks old tomorrow. I'm breastfeeding, so dh spent his two weeks paternity mainly looking after me and changing dirty nappies. There wasn't much else he could do as I'm feeding. So cuddles, nappy changes and baths is about it. If my parents had been here he would have had even less to do. I think you need to put your dh first on this one. Tell your parents they can come later.

My mum is coming over for 6 weeks on my due date. I don't think my Dh is particularly happy about that but I would really appreciate the support from my mum so he's not said anything. My mum is a great cook so at the very least we will be well fed. ;)
Raising a baby takes a village as they say, so I would take the help!

I'm in a similar situation. In from the US and live in England. My mom wants to come over for the birth and stay a month with us. My partner said he's happy to go with what I want although I think he'd prefer if she came after the baby came and when he has to go back to work. It's my first baby so difficult to know whether I'd like my mom in our house for a month during a special time for us. Equally, she's coming to help with cooking, cleaning etc and I know won't let me lift a finger. If the baby comes early then she won't be around for the birth, but if she is I think her support will good. She's attended several births (10 I'd guess) so I guess she knows the score.

Wow it is amazing reading all of your posts. So great to have lots of differing viewpoints and just to know I'm not the only one. Although maybe we are unique in that mum and dad are already here in this side of the world and I so should have addressed all of this before they changed their flights to ensure they could see the baby before they fly back to London.

So this initial trip is not the greatest I was hoping it would be heaps of fun and therefore soften my DH a little. So far though it's like pulling teeth. Moping about with us struggling to entertain and put a smile on people's faces! You'd think we were at a funeral not waiting for a baby!

I am working tomorrow but then have two weeks off so we are all going on a little road trip (DH included) hopefully that will be fun and a lot easier as we won't be under our roof. I have promised DH I will speak to them and ask them to stay in the motel down the road when they come back in April, just for the first week and then we will see how I am feeling etc. I hope that isn't unreasonable of me? It just means if one of us needs to sleep we have a spare bed we can use and means I am not worrying about other people being bored and moping about.

I will also ask them to hire a car so they have their independence as we really only have one car , mine is a two seater which is a bit useless to me now!! 😍

If all is well and baby comes on due date or before and I am well we might try and have a little break all together somewhere away from our house. Then that only leaves 4days staying with us.

If I am super overdue or need a c-section then it is out of my hands and they will just have to stay with my aunt an hour away.

Sorry to rant on!!

I just struggle having guests that mope about and are hard to entertain let alone when they are your parents it is so sad. Heartbreaking infact. This morning I got up later and they were up sitting in their iPads and didn't even say a word to me! What's the point in visiting if no one bothers to talk and engage... sorry I am bleating on. Thank you all for your help !! Xx

Ah, that is sad. Are they generally hard work? Or tired from being away from home so long? Maybe they forgot that on a long visit, everyday life has to go on, it isn't like a holiday. Maybe They are sad about living away from their DCs.

Your parents definitely need their own car.
New Zealand is a beautiful country with loads to see. They should be off sightseeing for three days at a time then back to your place for 2 days, then off again.
Otherwise local airbnb.
Three weeks non stop is too much

Thanks yes I am sure they are sad it is so sad really both my brother and I living over seas. We will return to the uk in the near future but they have put their lives on hold and even said tommy DH yesterday we are waiting for you two to make a decision on where you are going to live so we can plan where to move to!! Holy hell!!! I haven't even popped out the sprog yet and they are expecting that we will be informing them of exact plans for what could be 5 years away!!

Nz is amazingly beautiful and my colleagues cannot believe that they don't do mini road trips! My dad has been visiting nz since the 70's to visit his sister and his response is always - seen it all don't need to see anything. What would you like to do today dad? ..... what ever you want to! Is there anything you'd like to see in oamaru on our road trip? No seen it all before!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

I can understand how it must be very frustrating but when you've had your baby, imagine him/her moving to the other side of the world. When you get a precious few weeks with him/her you would probably want to spend all your time with him/her. That's probably where your dad is coming from, you're still his little girl.
Not saying you don't have to try and change things to make it work as it does sound very stressful for you, just once you've had the baby it might help to know a little bit how your dads feels.
Good luck with the baby and I hope you manage a way to make the visit a bit more manageable.

But little she is not a baby, she is an adult and you have to let your children go free.

My mum lives alone in our home country, we all moved abroad to find better lives. It is life. You cant live life through your children, it is not fair

Maybe I am heartless but this "being someone's little girl" at this age makes me physically sick

I know she's not a little girl, maybe that wasn't the best way to put it. (Sorry, didn't mean to make anyone feel physically sick). I was just trying to say it might help a bit to see it from the dad's point of view that he doesn't want to go out on his own, he wants to spend time with his daughter. Just because she's an adult, doesn't make it any less hard for your child to live far away.

I know you've got to let your children go free, it just might be that as the op's parents see them so rarely they want to make the most of that time rather than going off on their own. I didn't mean that they shouldn't do this as it does sound suffocating, was just trying to see why they might be doing this as sometimes it can be easier to find a way to make something work if you can see from the other person's point of view a bit more.

I hope op finds a way to manage the situation as it does sound difficult for her.

little not you making me sick, I just dont do well at all with that kind of comments, free country though so you are entitled to say it! My issue if if make me cringe dont worry not yours

I get the wanting to spend time with her but sometimes it is about quality of time. So to "force" them to get out and explore and then come see her for a but might actually be a lot healthier for everyone, particularly the OP.
I have been there, when you rarely see your partner or you are in a long distance relationship and so on and you obsess about it. But in reality it feels like you actually have "more time" if you do other bits as well

I think

I am expecting a bubba and I am stressed about the visits too, which is why I think OP needs that time to herself

I do feel for your hubby OP. It's his baby as well and you definitely need to set boundries so you and hubby have some "alone" time and he gets to look after you and the little one.

Nothing worse than seeing the dad pushed to the sidelines because the parents are there and doing all the fussing and things the dad should be doing to bond with his baby. I've seen it happen with relatives and the fall out is never pretty.

badcat has a very good point.
When my HV came she talked about postnatal depression and she also said that men get it too. She gave a statistic sorry I cant remember.

Now I am due soon (come on baby!) and do think that I will be the one with the BFing, lochia, stitches and so on. So DH knows that I will be the one dictating when I am ready for his (or my) family to visit.

However. The first couple of weeks are very important for the dads to bond (and babies) and I know DH has been so supportive and at times he has been wanting to do more and experience more.

So I really want him to have that opportunity. If my mum was here it just wouldnt work. He would be himself, do lots of skin to skin etc.

So I do feel for the dad here OP

I meant he wouldn't be himself or be able to do the skin to skin etc

Bluebelle you were right I shouldn't have said little girl, she's a grown woman. Nothing worse than when someone makes you cringe sorry! (Good luck with you baby btw).

I completely agree about quality time and that it sounds suffocating what the op's parents are doing.
Usually though, you can't imaging how your parents feel until you have your own children.
Just thought it might help op and her DH to put themselves in her parent's shoes once the baby is born and then it might make a bit more sense what they are doing and stop op getting as frustrated.

Although I do agree op definitely needs time to herself.

Oh little dont feel bad I am a bit weird with expressing feelings (also different culture) You sound lovely

Yes I guess I will learn lots once (come already!!!!!) I am a mum myself.

It is a tricky situation for OP. It doesnt seem easy to find a solution to please all.

And then of course, baby might decide that he is going to be late (like mine!)

Thanks for your support everyone. So a little update. My parents are currently here on holiday with us for another week then head off.

We are all having a short break together which at some points is lovely but most of the time is testing

I have found a house for rent only round the corner from ours and Jane decided that I will tell mum and dad that I will book this for them.

My DH spoke to my parents nicely while I was at work on Tuesday and explained how we are under a lot of stress at the moment (that's for another thread 😜) hopefully if I explain this and that we feel for the initial weeks of their trip we need our own space I hope they will understand.

I snore terribly at the moment and so we usually us our spare room for DH so he can function relatively normally for work ... put a tiny new baby in the mix and no space for us to breath it could be one big stressful mess.

I hope they are ok with having their own space just a 5 min stroll away and hiring a car. It will take the heat off that's for sure.

Wish me luck going my to broach it with them tomorrow 🙀

I think that sounds a perfect idea renting. Tell them this trio hasn't worked out as you thought as you have had to get on with life and felt you needed to entertain them and haven't been able to use the spare room, and it will be worse with a baby. Also they will be grumpy with no sleep. Tell them that they get a car and you would appreciate it if they did say trips/overnight trips off their own back and planning as you won't be able to work out what to have for breakfast let alone plan to entertain them.
It isn't terribly sad you've both moved, you are independent.
Tell them that you might decide to stay in NZ permanently or keep moving around so you don't want them to plan to move to where you are in case you don't and you don't want to have to feel like you can't move again.
Then thank them for wanting to stay to see the baby.
Suggest they rent somewhere for a while whilst as DB too and get a car. 2 months!!!!

So update😱💪
We're all on holiday at the moment together so I got up when o heard them this morning and left DH sleeping.

I broached it with them over my cornflakes 😨 just wanting to gage their opinion since this last two weeks non of us have been sleeping well and it will be worse with a baby etc etc.

I said a lady from work had a friend that rented out and apartment or a house just a 5 min walk from hours and how would they feel about perhaps staying there for the first 7-10 days of their next visit. Mentioned that none of us knew when baby would come and if it is overdue I'll not long be out of hospital when they arrive.

Mum was a bit defensive saying that they had given me three weeks from due date so that should be plenty, dad was defensive saying that's fine don't worry we'll rent for the whole 3 weeks (in a begrudging tone)

Mums worried they will be sitting around only able to see the baby for an hour a day. "We don't want to be just sitting about not allowed to see the baby"

I asked what they would do for the three weeks of they were staying with us and they have no intention of going out and forward no anything at all believing they will just be at home with us 24hours a day...... now I'm starting to feel a bit glad DH put his foot down! Imagine guests that don't leave your side for 3 weeks solid.

Anyway I waffle on, I'm sure the separate living will still be a pain as they will be round all the time but at least I've broached it.

They will continue to lay the guilt trip on me not having their grandchildren in the uk etc, and that is a week point for me it breaks my heart but I have to be strong to protect my own sanity!

Thanks for your help and input everyone xxxx ❤

Sorry for the bad spelling doing this on my phone

It is completely reasonable to ask them to stay elsewhere nearby! I gave birth abroad and my Parents came when DD was four weeks old and stayed in a nearby hotel (although a bit different as we had a one-bed flat) and it was great! I looked forward to them coming over each day and we all had our own space. Your parents have probably forgotten what a newborn is like - just feeding and sleeping. My parents said they had forgotten that you can't really do much apart from sit about with a cup of tea at this stage. Can you prime SIL to say that they would be mad to stay in same house as newborn who might be up all night?!

I am a similar people pleaser with parents who can be hard work at times. My OH also can't cope with my parents. It is very difficult, but since having DD I have had to be more firm with everyone to make sure that things are not unnecessarily stressful for me. And the world hasn't fallen apart! My mum has made similar guilt trip comments about distance and grandchildren, but I told her that at least she now has a lovely grandchild!

Be sure to think of jobs for them to be helpful to you - even if it's just getting you a drink every half an hour, or putting a load of washing on. I am terrible at accepting help but they will be pleased to be helpful I'm sure, and won't be quite as mopey.