Help - my parents are coming to stay with us 3 weeks after my due date - husband is not happy.

[MrsG2017]

Hi All,

I could really do with some support, have been awake most of the night crying and worrying. We live in NZ and my parents are currently with us for 3 weeks. (im 32 weeks) they then come back at the end of April approximately 3 weeks after due date. They will be staying with us for three weeks.

While i can cope with them and their ways, my husband cannot. I feel stuck in the middle of not wanting to break my parents hearts by being firm with them or asking them to stay elsewhere (they have traveled to the other side of the world and we are the ones that decided to move here) but I also see my husbands heartache at wanting just special time with us together with our baby.

I would value everyone's opinions.

My parents are so kind and generous but quite opinionated and not independent. So we cant rely on them jumping an a car off sightseeing for a day or just sitting quietly in the garden with a book entertaining themselves. They will be under our feet, wanting to "help" but driving my husband potty instead.

I think i made a mistake letting them book flights to stay for that long, but i am also a bit sad that my husband cant consider that I might want them here. Piggy in the middle springs to mind!

Thanks everyone i would love to hear your stories.

Thanks jobsagoodun

Struggling with the guilts a wee bit now, I am a terrible over thinker.

Mum and dad are off to oz on Friday and tbh I'm looking forward to going back to work and getting some form of normality back before baby comes.

Me time is so precious to me and DH maybe a wee bit selfish but we have our little family and we like being just us.

I struggle with visitors of any kind that are shy to make conversations or suggestions and when it's my parents goodness I just feel guilty like it's me that has made them this depressed. Now getting the "won't be able to afford to keep coming out, travelling makes us ill" someone get out the violins out🎻

Sitting about in dressing gowns is not my idea of a holiday.

My goodness this blog sounds like I am a right miserable wench!! Honest I'm normally the life and soul of the party first to buy a round and first on the dance floor.

Guess being over in NZ is another issue as I don't have my friends at home to bounce off and laugh with or moan to.

First job my mother has when she returns is to bring a bottle of champagne my god I could die for a glass ;-)

Thanks everyone sorry for being a bit of a miserable moaner ❤

That sounds like a wonderful solution. And in my humble opinion yes they should stay there for the whole three weeks. 😬 this is baby #3 for me but I remember well the difficulty of bringing home my first. We needed space for sure. Learning how to breastfeed (if that's what you end up doing, I know nz is v pro bf) is challenging and you won't feel like having your sore leaky boobs out in front of everyone all the time. This solution means they can call over in the morning, make you some breakie then head away and come back later with dinner. Should keep them busy👍 stay strong! Parents are hard work... we moved abroad last year and my mother and mil are both hard work about the distance 🙄

Thanks everyone for your support.
I am however starting to believe that no solution will work.

DH is now saying he doesn't want them calling round all day everyday.

I am just stuck in the middle on one side breaking my parents hearts and on the other potentially losing my husband.

His daughter (now 18) has largely been estranged from him since 9 months old due to a relationship breakdown and even though he won parental responsibility with weekend visits it was never adhered to by the mum. I sadly feel I am now getting the outfall of all these years of hurt.

My parents don't help they are like children, ignore things he says, don't answer questions on a completely different planet but Christ all I want to do is have my baby and not have to deal with any of this bullshit.

We have no network here, his mum is no longer with us sadly so I can't talk to her for help.

DH blames me for not fully discussing the whole trip with him back when they booked it but I can't remember if I did or didn't it was so long ago and in the time since he's paid little interest to their visit until now when they are here and I am 34weeks pregnant.

So sorry everyone I don't want to sound like I going on and on but it's 3.25am here and I didn't know where else I could turn.

It is really hard. But it is your parents and husband that ate making it hard.
I think a very frank and open conversation about how their behaviour is making you feel is needed.
They need to put you and the baby at the centere. You need to explicitly tell them how guilty they make you feel.

A talk sounds good. Also, this will all sort itself out once baby comes. Everyone is a bit hyped up now, trying to stake their claim in advance but once baby arrives it tends to settle down. And honestly 3 weeks will pass quickly and then they will be gone and it will be just the three of you. Maybe tell DH to chill the feck out, book the house for your parents for 3 weeks and go get yourself a prenatal massage and mocktail 👍 xxx

I feel for you, I really do, but your DH does have a point here. If they were the type of guest to muck in with washing up, preparing meals, shopping washing etc - that would be great. But by the sounds of it, they expect to be 'hosted'. In my book newly delivered Mums don't do 'hosting' - no buts no ifs - they don't. They are cared for - by DHs, mothers, sister, Doulas whoever. Sometimes families just do this, in some families the Mums to be have to demand it. Sadly it sounds like you have the later.

Time to start practising to be a Mum - decide what you want first of all. Given your parents have agreed (yes they did, don't let them back down on that) to stay around the corner, do you want them to come over after lunch, come just before lunch, having bought lunch and prepare lunch FOR YOU. After lunch - would you like them to wash up / go away / do some washing /do some ironing/ etc.
They could come back for tea (as long as they bring cake, make the tea) and then go back to their flat for the evening and stay there until the following lunch time.

Whilst they are with you there is a priority order to who gets to hold the baby - You, your DH, the baby's father, then your parents - no guilting allowed. and if you want to breast feed, you can do it in any room you like and everyone else has to leave. Don't feel you have to go to your bedroom, where there isn't a suitable chair, no TV / radio etc.

And for the love of all that is holy, do not mention the idea of a little trip for a few days. You may be one of those new Mums who can get showered and dressed before lunch, before the baby is 4 weeks old - most of us aren't and any offer of a road trip will be held over you and cause far more stress then its worth. Getting down to the local shops will be an achievement in those first few weeks.

Sounds like you have an ally in your SIL - use her and tell, not ask, tell your DH and DPs how its going to happen; draw up a post-natal care plan if you like - the next stage on from your birth plan.

Thanks everyone.

I like the idea of a postnatal care plan and the massage :-)

My parents do need things spelling out I will agree. Sadly they would help out the would cook clean redecorate so anything but DH doesn't want them to. Feels they get under his/our feet and he is more than capable of doing all of the above (which he is and he is going to be off work for the duration they are here and works from home anyway)

Oh I just need t grow some balls and deal with this mess, just wish everyone got along.

You do need to grow a pair and explain to your parents that they can't visit all day every day - you'll be struggling to adjust to life with a newborn, not to mention extremely sleep deprived, so they need to give you some space. How about suggesting they come for max 3 hrs per day? It's a long time but leaves you plenty of bonding time as a new family of 3. Your parents won't be happy but you need to stand up to them, it's terribly unfair on your DH to have his first few weeks with his child spoilt by your family being omnipresent.

Thanks everyone.
Parents have now left and are in Aussie so the clean up operation begins before some well deserved sleep.

Sadly what should be an exciting time
Ahead is now over shadowed by the fact that they are returning in 8 weeks and I have to juggle between them wanting to see their new grandchild and a husband who (at the moment) is refusing to even let them visit for more than 10 minutes.

I am so tired and emotional and he is angry at me so I am avoiding having any form of discussion about it for a few days until we both recover from this visit.

I am devastated and completely accept my responsibility in this mess but forsee a lifetime of blame coming my way from both sides.

At least I grew some balls and have managed to get them to stay elsewhere and hire a car.... I'll wait a week or so before stepping it up a level and thinking about how I can balance them seeing their grandchild for their last bit of their holiday and not getting a divorce in the process 😬

It kind of sounds like you are comfortable with you parents staying there and your husband is being reallly controlling. So you have had his child and he is angry and you don't feel you can discuss something with him. That is not great.

OP I think you are doing well, parents staying elsewhere and having their own car is a massive step forward.

Your DH sounds like mine, he sees anyone helping us as a sign of weakness rather than them wanting to be involved or useful.

Definitely take a few days to relax then have a calm discussion, and maybe have an initial chat to suggest you both jot down some sensible ideas then compare notes and see how you can work together.

One thing that made my DH see my point of view was that I explained that it meant a lot for my parents to help, and even though it might seem like they'd be under our feet, if we controlled the timing and duration of the visits then it was under our control. We'd also look back in 20 years time and be glad we had grandparents who cared. I think it helped him see the bigger picture.

Could you also send your parents out on errands in the car to supermarkets to check the prices of nappies etc? Gets them out of your house but still involved.

Having read all of op's post I feel it is the dh who is the cause of the problem.

He sounds like he resents you having any family at all.

Who's idea was it to relocate to nz?

There are quite a few red flags of an abusive partner here:

Isolation from family
Anger
Controlling
Threat of divorce
Intolerance of others
No contact with own child
Blames ex for everything
Makes partner feel guilty

If dh doesn't want to be around your parents all day he can go out. Most dads are back at work after 2 weeks so him being there all day everyday is unnecessary.

Your husband is an abusive prick, OP. I hope you can see that. Why are you with him? Come home with your parents and leave him to his precious privacy.

Your husband does not get to dictate this all. Don't key him convince you that you are being unreasonable. This should be a compromise between you both.

Omg! Just when my sanity was returning ! The infamous parents now aren't getting along at my brothers place in Aussie (criticising my SIL) they want to cut short their visit and return to nz early ahhhhhhhhhhh not over my dead body - have to laugh or I will cry! Seeing a pattern here anyone ?? 😱😬 time to get my big boy pants back on again ! I should write a book!

Well it's up to them, if they want to rent that house for ALL the extra time... because they can't stay with you 😂

Don't leave us hanging op, what did you do??

Sorry Badgerbird so, not sure how i managed to stay calm and not go mad. Probably due to DH offering a shoulder to cry on and moan at. I sent a calm empathetic email to them offering my advice re my brother and also reiterating that I am 37 weeks pregnant basically I don't need this shit!!

Next day bright as a button mum replies that they have taken my advice not told my Bro they are leaving (imagine the heartache that would cause) and will go off on a break to get out of their hair for a week or so.

So no early return to nz phew! But no apology for dumping on me and stressing me out no thanks for advice and still ll everything is about them and how the grandkids routines are affecting them and how my little niece is naughty .... makes my blood boil but steering clear! Poor SIL!!

Accom booked for their next trip here! Hire car booked and DH has his hiding plans in place. 👍 thanks all for your ear his last couple of months ❤️

Stop 😂. Their memories are rose tinted. My mother recently completely forgot who she was talking to (I live an 11hr long haul flight plus another short one away from my family) and had the audacity to complain to me about a 4 hr flight they had where a toddler/baby cried for most of it. It "ruined" her flight. I said "but at least you could put on your head phones and ignore it and know that you didn't have to look after it". Nope. She actually said "I think it was just spoilt". Go cry to someone who cares. 🙄 sometimes distance does not make the heart grow fonder.