Miscarriage advice

[33RBT1983]

Hello,

Just looking for some advice really. My wife had a miscarriage a few months ago. Emotionally we coped really well with the news to start with. We had an early scan as things didn't feel 'right', so weren't surprised when we got the sad news. Recently however my wife has become more emotional about the loss, and angry when friends 'complain' about morning sickness. We've been very lucky in our lives that we've never suffered any great loss until this point, so I'm struggling for with how to support her. Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thanks

Hiya vi think you might be better putting this in the Miscarriage section which is under Body and Soul.

I've had three miscarriages and my partner was great. He listened, commiserated, slagged off pregnant people with me even though we both know I was being irrational. He had sex whenever it was the right time of the month and didn't moan about how unsexy it was (TTC sex is notoriously awful). Basically he was a total gem and we now have our longed for second child and the pressure is thankfully off.

So sorry you are both going through this ☹️

I have had three MCs and this happened to me. After the initial shock I coped quite well then months later I just fell to pieces. I think it is because you start think, I'd know the sex by now, we'd be buying the pram about now or the worst - I should have a month old baby now. These little milestones brought it home to me and made it hard.

I found my DH asking me if I was ok / how I was unprompted by any tears or behaviour showed me he hadn't forgot about our loss (obvs he hadn't!!!) and knew I was thinking of our loss.

I hope that helps and sorry you and your wife are going through this

I had a missed miscarriage and was forced to miscarry naturally at 13 weeks as it was Christmas and the hospital were short staffed. I ended up suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Would your wife be open to counciling? All she would need to do is self refer at her gp surgery. Becoming angry at other pregnant women is a sign she's not coping. Which is a perfectly normal reaction to something so tragic, especially if younhave been trying to get pregnant again and it hasnt happened yet. It is completely understandable to find other people's pregnancies tough, but, rationally, the fact that such an awful thing happened to you shouldn't mean other people shouldn't be able to enjoy their pregnancy or complain about the hard bits. I know how hard it is. When I lost my baby my dhs 21 year old cousin announced she was pregnant. We'd been to her 21st birthday party and she had got drunk, the father was some drug dealer who had no interest. She had swayed back and forth between terminating and carrying on. She kept up the party lifestyle despite being pregnant. It was so hard watching her be pregnant and then meeting her son when he was born. But, my loss didn't make me any more deserving of a healthy baby than her. I had to focus on that to stay sane because there were times when I didn't feel that way. I think if I'd given in to negative feelings it would have been a slippery slope into becoming depressed. Counciling helped me. I dont think I'll ever get over the loss but at least now I can accept that it is part of me and I can move forward even if I can't move past it. It's really hard. I wish you both lots of luck.

So sorry for your loss.
I agree with the counselling - I had support through CRUSE and it was invaluable. I'm not sure it's something we will ever get over. We have a rose in our garden which we bought as a memorial to our baby bean. We both wrote letters and planted them with the rose so we feel that we are always close. Would that help?
We tried again straight away (neither of us are spring chickens) and not being successful each month was also devastating. However, I am now 18 weeks pregnant and by focusing on this baby, it has helped a little with the grief.
Hugs to you both.