AIBU that I'm freaked out by MIL & FIL

[user1473539918]

Hey! So I am just over 3 months pregnant, all new and exciting all be it slightly over whelming being my first time and first experience.
My SIL is also pregnant, due before me.
So our in laws have naturally been excited about the arrival of their first grandchildren.
HOWEVER....I feel they have taken it to the extreme....I am new to this, first child, and newly pregnant but I am put off by going to their house or even spending time with them as I feel totally over bared by them at the moment:....basically they have turned their spare room into a nursery. Crib, wardrobe, changing station. Clothes in wardrobe....play kitchen in the corner the works...is this normal....I feel like they expect our children to be staying there all the time. They want to buy their own pushchair, car seat, everything. I feel it's totally OTT? Am I being hormonal and dramatic? I haven't seen the room only been told about it but I don't feel I even want to see it!! How do I deal with this, I don't know what to do or say. I obviously can't avoid it forever, and probably lucky that my SIL is due before me so she can deal with it first but any advice!! TIA

[Batteriesallgone]

It is a little odd they've already bought a play kitchen. But the cot / wardrobe / changing station all sounds fine to me. Like they are just trying to be hospitable and make it easy for you to stay with them? Definitely I think grandparents who want to be involved should have a car seat - but make sure they get a decent rear facing one. Own pushchair could also be handy - depends how far they live from you, how big your / their car is etc...

What's the background? What are they like? if you think they are going to use having all this stuff as another way of trying to harass you into leaving your child with them that's not on. But if they are nice people just trying to make their house child friendly....that's a good thing.

[ConvincingLiar]

They sound excited. No need to crush their enthusiasm. Babies can sleep in the crib during the day or any time their parents stay over. It is useful not to have to take a carfull of stuff every time you visit. Unless they start talking about a weekly sleepover starting aged 2 weeks, I wouldn't worry.

[Whatsername17]

You could be me 5 years ago. Exactly the same situation except sil was their dd. Mil even bought a double pushchair! It was way too much. When dd arrived, mil kept saying 'I like it when I can have them on my own so I can do what I think is best'. Which gave me the rage. I told dh to have a word as she was making me feel like a crap mum. When dd was 5 months old, they looked after her for the day so I could attend my grand dad's funeral. Other than that, there just were not anytimes when I needed a baby sitter. Same for sil. When they arrive that little you just don't really separate from them unless you really need too. I ignored any 'shall I have her overnight so you can go out as a couple?' And just politely said 'no thanks, not yet, in a few months maybe'. They ended up selling everything on eBay having barely been used. Second time around (grandkids 3 and 4) and they haven't bothered at all. You have to play the long game. Ignore it all and when your baby arrives, say no to any insistence that you leave him/her there unless you want too. When it all goes unused they will learn. Mil bemoaned buying the double pushchair as she never got to use it. I just smiled and said 'I did think you buying it was a bit weird at the time but I didn't like to say.' And this is a woman who would cry if I didn't let her push the pram. Dd preferred the sling anyway so often dd would end up strapped to me whilst mil pushed an empty pram. Aged 5, dd now decides when she sleeps at the grandparents and I'm great full for the break. However, number2 is due in January and she won't be staying at all. Because she's a baby and babies aren't bundles to be passed around so other people can play mummy.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Don't worry too much. Some people just love buying stuff and can't help themselves. It doesn't mean they are expecting you to leave your baby with them. If you hear any noise to that effect then have a word with your dp and make sure he talks to them.

[whycanineverthinkofausername]

I think it's really sweet and I would adore either of my parents or in laws to do that for me! But I know it's not possibly my in laws are tied up in their first grandchild and my mum doesn't have the space nor is that way inclined. She's a 10 minute visit mum, not. Stay and chat forever mum so she wouldn't want her space intruded.

[LucyFuckingPevensie]

Honestly, they just seem excited and happy to have babies in the family.
My Dad got loads of stuff like older toys because they were a bargain when I was pregnant.
He just wanted to be stocked up on bits.
I don't think it's strange at all, but then I am not offenended by half the stuff on here.

[Happygojo86]

My MIL and SIL were a bit like this and it upset me. To be fair it was hardly used in the first 11 months, then my MIL insisted that 'her' cheap, beat up, 2nd hand buggy was 'better' than our one but I just let her get on with it. My DD has never stayed there overnight and never will unless they quit smoking completely. I have pretty much fallen out with SIL so that's not been an issue.

But anyway I cried so many tears over it when pregnant. I felt they were planning on looking after my baby when I was going to be the one looking after MY baby..... so I completely get how you feel. I would have rather they spent the money trying to help us prepare for the baby or not spent the money at all

[bloodyteenagers]

If the mil lives hours away then having the nursery set up could be useful for visits. Because at least they wouldn't have to take everything with them. Well apart from the car seat.
Around the corner and to what purpose is the nursery? Other than the assumption that the baby will be staying there. Because going round for a hour or two you don't need that much.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

It's actually quite a nice thing to do. Having to take baby crap with you everywhere is a pain so if they have everything when you visit then it's a bonus. My dd sees my mum all the time so she has loads of stuff at her house.

[ALongTimeComing]

Ugh it's awful. I had the same issue. I don't mind a cot, that's sensible but all of the other STUFF is incredibly odd putting. It sounds nice to people who have inlaws/parents with boundaries. But when it comes along with them basically thinking you are the stork that delivers "their baby" then it's exhausting and insane.

[Bluntness100]

Well with two due, I can understand their excitement, and although, sure it's a bit ott, I'd put it down as something nice, the children will be very welcome and it seems loved, so I'd keep my powder dry. One day you may be glad of it,

[Oysterbabe]

I think know you're overreacting a bit, they're excited. My inlaws have a similar set up and it's really useful to have when we stay over. They've only baby sat when we've asked them to and don't try and take over.

You don't know what your baby will be like and how you'll cope. I have a friend whose baby pretty much never sleeps and she would have gone insane if she hadn't been able to leave baby with her parents regularly to have a break. You might find yourself in need of their support.

[Kittenrush]

My MIL has done exactly the same thing. I'm trying to keep an open mind and imagine that I will seriously appreciate it when the baby is actually here. DP is an only child so no chance the stuff will be used by any other LOs (unless we have more I guess). She is very overbearing and goes on about giving us a break an awful lot. I am trying really hard to be appreciative and grateful but I am finding it a little much too. She's got almost as much stuff as we do!

[Bella1985]

My PIL changed one of their rooms into a nursery for my niece and now that I'm having their 2nd grandchild and sil is also pregnant with their 3rd they've upgraded their car so it can fit all 3 granchildren in car seats at the same time, bought double buggies, the lot! They're really excited about having grandchildren and I'm keeping a positive outlook on it. They've been great with our niece, looked after her when her parents want a break or are ill, helped at birthday parties, brought food over when baby was young. I'm looking forward to having the same amount of support as I love my grandparents and am glad that my baby will have loving and supportive grandparents of his/her own. I will be enforcing strict rules though, this is my baby afterall, so will be gently letting them know if they're being too overbearing or pushing themselves on us. DH agrees and sil has said the same - as long as we keep calm and remember how lucky we are to have supportive and excited parents, things should be fine. Good luck OP!

[Whatsername17]

Id also suggest getting your DH on board. MIL often went to DH asking to have her over night when I said no. You need to establish your own boundaries and DH needs to back you up. DH would say 'ill speak to whatsername'. It sometimes caused issues. I would point out she'd already asked me and I'd said no thank you. With DH I just said that I would let her stay overnight when I was ready. I found that once the newborn stage passed they became less interested because it was less of a novelty. DD had awful colic, so one day I did let them have her for a few hours whilst I did some clearning. She was 6 months at this point. I asked them to have her home by 4 - they complained they wanted her for longer but I said no. We'd started weening and I wanted to give her the solids myself. They rocked up at 2pm with her looking absolutely wiped out. DD had done her usual, scream, refuse to be put down, scream. They never believed me about the colic before - I just got 'all babies cry'. They learned though!

[SquedgieBeckenheim]

Yeah, my in laws did this too. I guess it kinda made sense as we have always lived a long way away from them and my parents (in contrast the only concessions to grandchildren my parents made was putting a cot up in a spare room). We've stayed with in laws a grand total of 3 times, DD is now 2. The cot at my parents has been used far more as my brother lives closer.
We're expecting DD2 soon, and it will be even harder to travel so I don't see us staying there again any time soon. Some people just get over excited, but for my in laws it's been a total waste of time and money!
Don't feel pressured to use the stuff they bought if you aren't comfortable staying there or leaving your baby. If they whinge about wasted money etc, that's their fault!

[TKRedLemonade]

My parents have a cot, car seats, pushchair and turned their study into a toy room basically full of toys and books for all ages. All the grandkids ADORE visiting and can't wait to get there! I think it's lovely when Grabdparents are so excited as long as they don't try and dictate how you raise you child. Give them a chance before condemning them

[MulberryBush12]

If they're local , then it does sound a little alarming, in that the ILs are implying that they expect your baby to be staying overnight with them from the off !
But, you don't know until the baby is born, whether you'll welcome that sort of help overnight.
You're under no obligation to leave your baby with anyone else overnight, if you don't want to. I didn't want to leave mine overnight, until they were over 12 mths but everyone is different.
I'd just ignore it, don't let it get to you!

[Nikki2ol6]

Hello. I had this too. Except my mil had grandchildren already but all girls! So when we found out we were having a boy she was extatic!! After buying all her own stuff for her house she told me on the day I gave birth and got home she would take him out for th day to let me rest. I told her this was not happening my baby will be staying with me! We all fell out and she kept asking to take him and I said no come here to cuddle him while I rest and do my house work and such but she wanted him to herself and I wouldn't allow it. It's not good and it is stressful you need to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand

[NapQueen]

Could you say innocently "Gosh this must have taken a lot of time and effort. It may not even get used much?"

[user1473539918]

Thanks for all the replies!!
We live 30 mins away tops....and rarely see them. I have seen them once since breaking the news that we are expecting!! They won't come to our house unless invited....I told them they don't need an invitation but hasn't made a difference!
I think I will just let them get on with it, and just know not to be pressured into anything I'm not comfortable with. It may be handy or they may have wasted their money either way there is no point getting myself worked up about it too much, it's my baby at the end of the day and I shall decide what it does and where it goes. Thanks again

[Candidfruits]

I have a similar thing but with my own parents, who live about a four hour car journey away. Happy for them to visit lots when baby arrives, but they talk as if me and baby will be traveling to stay with them for days on end. I really can't see me doing this - I love being in my own home, and I think I'd miss DH! They say they want to cook for me etc, but they've never really done this whilst I've visited them as an adult. It all makes me feel a bit anxious, but I'm trying to stay non-commital and hoping it all sorts itself out somehow.

[liquidrevolution]

Let them get on with it. My PILs have a fancy £400 car seat full nursery with seperate playroom. DD is 2.5 and is yet to spend the night there. SILs two boys 3 and 1 stay very often but then she is their DD. Sadly my PILs are overbearing and think they are right about everything. MIL was a social worker so you can imagine the catsbum mouth I got for formula feeding and refusing to use an extended rear face car seat.

My parents also had a buggy and travel cot but these were my Dsis old ones she passed onto them. We have a small car so it was handy. They have a houseful of toys as well. They enjoy buying for DD and it saves me having to pack toys when we visit. PILs toy collection is a load of handmade and retro stuff they kept from when DH was a child - I keep a close eye on DD playing with it as a lot of it is unsafe.

[Batteriesallgone]

If they're only half an hour away will you be using them for childcare if you go back to work? Maybe they want to demonstrate they are a viable option.

I would struggle to impose myself without an invitation I think. But that's your DHs issue to sort not yours.

[Trifleorbust]

I find this odd. When my little girl (due in 5 weeks) visits her GPs, I will provide what she needs. I would be a bit if they insisted on having their own pram, cot, clothing etc.