AIBU that I'm freaked out by MIL & FIL

[user1473539918]

Hey! So I am just over 3 months pregnant, all new and exciting all be it slightly over whelming being my first time and first experience.
My SIL is also pregnant, due before me.
So our in laws have naturally been excited about the arrival of their first grandchildren.
HOWEVER....I feel they have taken it to the extreme....I am new to this, first child, and newly pregnant but I am put off by going to their house or even spending time with them as I feel totally over bared by them at the moment:....basically they have turned their spare room into a nursery. Crib, wardrobe, changing station. Clothes in wardrobe....play kitchen in the corner the works...is this normal....I feel like they expect our children to be staying there all the time. They want to buy their own pushchair, car seat, everything. I feel it's totally OTT? Am I being hormonal and dramatic? I haven't seen the room only been told about it but I don't feel I even want to see it!! How do I deal with this, I don't know what to do or say. I obviously can't avoid it forever, and probably lucky that my SIL is due before me so she can deal with it first but any advice!! TIA

[martinisandcake]

My in laws were exactly the same, they had a cot and change table and it's etc etc set up too.

I was quite upset by this too at the beginning, the Mil was a bit of a crazy and complained that I chose to BF as it meant they could have Ds when he was a baby, she also ridiculed me for using Mcn rather than disposables.

In the end when I came to it nobody can force you to hand over your baby until you are ready. I rarely had the babysit, and never overnight although if we were visiting it was nice to use a cot for nap times etc.

Don't stress too much they are probably just way too excited and when it comes around you will just do whatever is right for you and your baby

[TinyTickler]

My mother in law has done this - she lives 2.5 hours away and we visit about twice a year. We will not be visiting more often with a new baby and the level of expectation that this suggests makes me furious.

[justinelibertine]

It's a tough one isn't it? I have no ILs cos they both sadly died. MIL would have been ecstatic but not sure she'd have spent real money on loads of kit.

My own parents, my mum thinks I am a terrible mother if I ask them to have DD overnight or whilst I get a scale and polish. She even charges me if she has to buy nappies when I have miscalculated how many there are left in the packets I leave there. I get the speech, "I've had my children. This is your child. You look after her. Not me." At the same time she cries if I have to leave DD with DH or pay for essential childcare.

[babynelly2010]

Hm, not weird at all, they are just excited.
My mil lives overseas and she does not have babyroom but she has high chait cot and a stroller. She has a full play room in addition. I remember having our first and stressing out about who is going to visit first, are they staying with us or not and so on. They are not going to put your baby in that room unless you are cool with it and later on you will find it very useful when the baby is a bit older or you have a second wanting to spend time with your dh and them babysit. Now the gift thing is a bit strange where they said we got this for you and put in it spare room.

[sophree]

I wish my PILs were like this.

[ProseccoBitch]

Just to comment on your last post OP - I wouldn't dream of turning up at someone's house unless specifically invited, not even my parents/family or best friends, and I think a lot of people feel the same.

[Blossomdeary]

It sounds a bit OTT! - but you may find that as time goes by it is helpful not to have to cart stuff around when you visit. Once you have had this baby you will realise pdq the amount of general stuff that you finish up dragging around.

I have 7 DGC and over the years we have gradually accumulated quite a few bits of baby/child kit - usually hand-me-downs acquired from charity shops etc. We certainly did not spend real money on it. We look after a few of them regularly and my hallway is chock-a-bloc with plastic cars, boxes of books and toys. They quite like having the novelty of "Grandma" toys when they come here. As they get older, the stuff gets recycled and used again by someone else.

I must admit we did wait till the children were actually here!

Unless you think your in-laws are crass enough to try and "take over" and keep telling you what to do then just revel in the fact that your child will have lots of people to love him/her and that you will have lots of support.

I expect that they are just excited at the sudden future arrival of 2 GC at a time! I was in that situation once - I still look at the photos of them as babies and struggle to remember which is which! - only don't tell my DDs!!

[Trifleorbust]

I find this odd. When my little girl (due in 5 weeks) visits her GPs, I will provide what she needs. I would be a bit if they insisted on having their own pram, cot, clothing etc.

[Batteriesallgone]

If they're only half an hour away will you be using them for childcare if you go back to work? Maybe they want to demonstrate they are a viable option.

I would struggle to impose myself without an invitation I think. But that's your DHs issue to sort not yours.

[liquidrevolution]

Let them get on with it. My PILs have a fancy £400 car seat full nursery with seperate playroom. DD is 2.5 and is yet to spend the night there. SILs two boys 3 and 1 stay very often but then she is their DD. Sadly my PILs are overbearing and think they are right about everything. MIL was a social worker so you can imagine the catsbum mouth I got for formula feeding and refusing to use an extended rear face car seat.

My parents also had a buggy and travel cot but these were my Dsis old ones she passed onto them. We have a small car so it was handy. They have a houseful of toys as well. They enjoy buying for DD and it saves me having to pack toys when we visit. PILs toy collection is a load of handmade and retro stuff they kept from when DH was a child - I keep a close eye on DD playing with it as a lot of it is unsafe.

[Candidfruits]

I have a similar thing but with my own parents, who live about a four hour car journey away. Happy for them to visit lots when baby arrives, but they talk as if me and baby will be traveling to stay with them for days on end. I really can't see me doing this - I love being in my own home, and I think I'd miss DH! They say they want to cook for me etc, but they've never really done this whilst I've visited them as an adult. It all makes me feel a bit anxious, but I'm trying to stay non-commital and hoping it all sorts itself out somehow.

[user1473539918]

Thanks for all the replies!!
We live 30 mins away tops....and rarely see them. I have seen them once since breaking the news that we are expecting!! They won't come to our house unless invited....I told them they don't need an invitation but hasn't made a difference!
I think I will just let them get on with it, and just know not to be pressured into anything I'm not comfortable with. It may be handy or they may have wasted their money either way there is no point getting myself worked up about it too much, it's my baby at the end of the day and I shall decide what it does and where it goes. Thanks again

[NapQueen]

Could you say innocently "Gosh this must have taken a lot of time and effort. It may not even get used much?"

[Nikki2ol6]

Hello. I had this too. Except my mil had grandchildren already but all girls! So when we found out we were having a boy she was extatic!! After buying all her own stuff for her house she told me on the day I gave birth and got home she would take him out for th day to let me rest. I told her this was not happening my baby will be staying with me! We all fell out and she kept asking to take him and I said no come here to cuddle him while I rest and do my house work and such but she wanted him to herself and I wouldn't allow it. It's not good and it is stressful you need to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand

[MulberryBush12]

If they're local , then it does sound a little alarming, in that the ILs are implying that they expect your baby to be staying overnight with them from the off !
But, you don't know until the baby is born, whether you'll welcome that sort of help overnight.
You're under no obligation to leave your baby with anyone else overnight, if you don't want to. I didn't want to leave mine overnight, until they were over 12 mths but everyone is different.
I'd just ignore it, don't let it get to you!

[TKRedLemonade]

My parents have a cot, car seats, pushchair and turned their study into a toy room basically full of toys and books for all ages. All the grandkids ADORE visiting and can't wait to get there! I think it's lovely when Grabdparents are so excited as long as they don't try and dictate how you raise you child. Give them a chance before condemning them

[SquedgieBeckenheim]

Yeah, my in laws did this too. I guess it kinda made sense as we have always lived a long way away from them and my parents (in contrast the only concessions to grandchildren my parents made was putting a cot up in a spare room). We've stayed with in laws a grand total of 3 times, DD is now 2. The cot at my parents has been used far more as my brother lives closer.
We're expecting DD2 soon, and it will be even harder to travel so I don't see us staying there again any time soon. Some people just get over excited, but for my in laws it's been a total waste of time and money!
Don't feel pressured to use the stuff they bought if you aren't comfortable staying there or leaving your baby. If they whinge about wasted money etc, that's their fault!

[Whatsername17]

Id also suggest getting your DH on board. MIL often went to DH asking to have her over night when I said no. You need to establish your own boundaries and DH needs to back you up. DH would say 'ill speak to whatsername'. It sometimes caused issues. I would point out she'd already asked me and I'd said no thank you. With DH I just said that I would let her stay overnight when I was ready. I found that once the newborn stage passed they became less interested because it was less of a novelty. DD had awful colic, so one day I did let them have her for a few hours whilst I did some clearning. She was 6 months at this point. I asked them to have her home by 4 - they complained they wanted her for longer but I said no. We'd started weening and I wanted to give her the solids myself. They rocked up at 2pm with her looking absolutely wiped out. DD had done her usual, scream, refuse to be put down, scream. They never believed me about the colic before - I just got 'all babies cry'. They learned though!

[Bella1985]

My PIL changed one of their rooms into a nursery for my niece and now that I'm having their 2nd grandchild and sil is also pregnant with their 3rd they've upgraded their car so it can fit all 3 granchildren in car seats at the same time, bought double buggies, the lot! They're really excited about having grandchildren and I'm keeping a positive outlook on it. They've been great with our niece, looked after her when her parents want a break or are ill, helped at birthday parties, brought food over when baby was young. I'm looking forward to having the same amount of support as I love my grandparents and am glad that my baby will have loving and supportive grandparents of his/her own. I will be enforcing strict rules though, this is my baby afterall, so will be gently letting them know if they're being too overbearing or pushing themselves on us. DH agrees and sil has said the same - as long as we keep calm and remember how lucky we are to have supportive and excited parents, things should be fine. Good luck OP!

[Kittenrush]

My MIL has done exactly the same thing. I'm trying to keep an open mind and imagine that I will seriously appreciate it when the baby is actually here. DP is an only child so no chance the stuff will be used by any other LOs (unless we have more I guess). She is very overbearing and goes on about giving us a break an awful lot. I am trying really hard to be appreciative and grateful but I am finding it a little much too. She's got almost as much stuff as we do!

[Oysterbabe]

I think know you're overreacting a bit, they're excited. My inlaws have a similar set up and it's really useful to have when we stay over. They've only baby sat when we've asked them to and don't try and take over.

You don't know what your baby will be like and how you'll cope. I have a friend whose baby pretty much never sleeps and she would have gone insane if she hadn't been able to leave baby with her parents regularly to have a break. You might find yourself in need of their support.

[Bluntness100]

Well with two due, I can understand their excitement, and although, sure it's a bit ott, I'd put it down as something nice, the children will be very welcome and it seems loved, so I'd keep my powder dry. One day you may be glad of it,

[ALongTimeComing]

Ugh it's awful. I had the same issue. I don't mind a cot, that's sensible but all of the other STUFF is incredibly odd putting. It sounds nice to people who have inlaws/parents with boundaries. But when it comes along with them basically thinking you are the stork that delivers "their baby" then it's exhausting and insane.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

It's actually quite a nice thing to do. Having to take baby crap with you everywhere is a pain so if they have everything when you visit then it's a bonus. My dd sees my mum all the time so she has loads of stuff at her house.

[bloodyteenagers]

If the mil lives hours away then having the nursery set up could be useful for visits. Because at least they wouldn't have to take everything with them. Well apart from the car seat.
Around the corner and to what purpose is the nursery? Other than the assumption that the baby will be staying there. Because going round for a hour or two you don't need that much.