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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

A secret abortion, ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

74 replies

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 18:52

I am in somewhat a state of turmoil. Newly pregnant, should be excited but am not and with the weeks passing i am getting more and more convinced that i just want it to go away. The trouble is, dh wants it and we've told friends and family (i only decided to tell people because i wanted it to spur on some excitement inside but this hasn't happened). I am due to see the doctor soon to go through the whole paperwork thing but part of me is wanting to ask if there is an early abortion pill that i can take to induce a miscarriage....is there? This would then mean lying to everyone i care about and having to take their sympathetic gestures whilst knowing i terminated the baby! I feel desperate, frightened and terribly alone but at the same time if i do have an abortion i don't want anyone to know becuase that makes the guilt harder to bear. Has anyone had a secret abortion and made out it was a miscarriage? I feel in such a state of panic, i have got to do something. I am so irritable, moody, tired and unbearable to be around, i just want to be me again. I have even been smoking and having hot baths in the hope of miscarrying, god i sound such a dreadful person. Please tell me what my options are.

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 01/02/2007 18:59

Honestly? I think you need to talk your fears through with an outsider - start with your GP or ring one of the abortion helplines.

How pregnant are you?

Original poster

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:01

I am 8 weeks.

OP posts:

me23 · 01/02/2007 19:03

oh you poor thing {hugs}. In answe to your question yes there is an abortion pill that you can take (before 9 weeks) that will induce a miscarriage. Also what you discuss with the doctor will be kept confidnetial.

I do think you need to talk to a counsellor trianed in this area. marie stopes offer a counselliing service, here

also I do think you need to talk to your dh, can you go through with this wihtout him knowing the truth, do youthink he would leave you if you had an abortion?

tribpot · 01/02/2007 19:03

Do you know - or rather, can you articulate - why you don't want to go through with the pregnancy?

ChicPea · 01/02/2007 19:03

YOu need councelling. You could get that at the British Pregnancy Advisory Bureau if you didn't want to go to your GP. The abortion pill can be given to women under 9weeks pregnancy. I must say the first time I got preg I wasn't sure I was ready for the change and to become a mother and I was 37 years old. I didn't feel ready until she was born which felt strange as it is such a big step. Councelling will hopefully clarify your thoughts. Although you have told people you are pregnant what are they to know if you terminate the pregnancy? And also its a difficult situation as your dh is happy with pregnancy. Good luck.

HuwEdwards · 01/02/2007 19:04

Then you need to speak to someone fairly quickly...can you rationalise your fear? do you know why you feel frightened and desparate? pregnancy hormones can leave you feeling angry and in turmoil....what does your doctor say?

themildmanneredjanitor · 01/02/2007 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FioFio · 01/02/2007 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 01/02/2007 19:06

I really think you need to talk to your dh and tell him you don't want to be pregnant. I don't think having a secret abortion is going to be any good for your state of mind or marriage.

Why don't you want it? Because you don't feel excited? Because you didn't want to be pregnant in the first place? Or for some other reason? I think it's completely fine not to want to be pregnant and to have an abortion but you sound like you're panicking and not thinking this through.

Smoking and hot baths a) wont' work and b) won't make you feel any better tbh!

If you want an abortion it's v early days and would be a fairly simple procedure. You can have an abortion pill but it's not the easy option from what I've read. A surgical abortion can be carried out under local anaesthetic and you can be in and out in a couple of hours.

CountTo10 · 01/02/2007 19:06

Does your dh have any idea of how you feel? What's the thing you're dreading about having another baby the most?
At 8 weeks I'm pretty sure they'll advice the full vacum procedure - I thought the pill only worked before 6/7 weeks but I may be wrong. A full termination makes you feel pretty shite for a day or 2 so there's gonna be no hiding that really.
My advice would be you need to discuss how you're feeling with your dh and take any decision from that. A termination of any kind is difficult enough but lying about it makes it even harder on you. Its also not the best for your relationship and will put a lot of strain on you.

lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:08

saw your thread yesterday....you really need to get some counselling ASAP....and please try talking to your DH.....x

ChicPea · 01/02/2007 19:08

If you are 8 weeks you need to get a move on. Look on internet for nearest clinic and ring tonight or tomorrow morning and see which one can offer you the quickest appt where they will confirm your pregnancy and counsel you. After counselling you may not wish to terminate pregnancy. Old tel numbers, not sure they work BPAS 01564 793255, Marie Stopes 0207 388 0662, Pregnancy Advisory Service 0207 637 8962.
Hugs to you.

Original poster

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:12

Ironically we had been trying but then stopped and hey presto i'm pregnant. I have a fear of being out of control, a fear of what this change means for my two existing children. Have now got a job, been working and having own money and enjoying life and better hols etc and i don't want that to end. things would have to change due to finances etc and i don't want change. I had big complications with both other pregnancies and i can't bear the thought of going through all that and then listening to the voices of "it could only happen to you" or "blimey, nothings straight forward with you", which was all i heard last time. People make what they think are fun jibes but at a time when you've nearly died, along with your baby, being made to feel f-ing useless doesn't help. I don't want to tell dh because then i would not be able to blank my guilt because there would be someone else who knew, rahter than just a secret i kept

OP posts:

ChicPea · 01/02/2007 19:13

I must add I am not recommending you do this behind your dh's back. I think you are in a very difficult situation and with a first pregnancy (I am presuming here) it is scarey to have such a change and such responsibility. I hope you can talk it over with dh. I hope the tel numbers helped as I do think you should get professional help to see you through this. 9weeks is definitely the limit for the abortion pill.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/02/2007 19:14

Agree with everyone else. You need to talk to someone. Preferably your DH. I honestly believe that you are having a panic over it (rather than it being a 'genuine' feeling), because you are now worrying about how you will cope.

lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:15

if you do have an abortion without telling DH, the burden of carrying it alone, will make things very difficult, IMO..you might change, become depressed and upset, and won;lt be able to tell him the truth as to why...or you will tell him and his reaction may be awful........

i think you should get in touch with someone chicpea has recommended

HuwEdwards · 01/02/2007 19:16

Due you have any fears about having the abortion? Or fears of regret afterwards? Not judging at all here, just trying to explore whether you would have regrets if you did end the pregnancy.

FioFio · 01/02/2007 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:17

I keep looking at my children thinking how beautiful they are and god how awful i am not to want to give this one a chance! Dh has vaguely mentioned that i don't appear happy and that he's getting vibes that i don't want this baby but i can't openly discuss with him that i don't want it, what an awful thing to admit to have to admit. I just want to wake up tomorrow and things be as they were 8 weeks ago, i don't want to have to live with the guilt of an abortion but at the same time i just want it to go away. i don't think it is just hormones, i feel genuine terror and panic and just want to be back in control.

OP posts:

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:20

I think you need to consider that you may have antenatal depression. I think feeling panicky and ambivalent in early pregnancy is ENTIRELY normal (it just never gets talked about). Suddenly, when it is a fait accompli, you focus on all the negatives and fears and you have a huge hormone shift and it can be terrifying. Can you try to realistically imagine yourself in a year's time - with or without this baby. How do you think you might feel? I remember myself having a huge panic each time with my much wanted children, about the wine I'd drunk, about the consequences for child number one and I remember even thinking that maybe I should not go through with it. But that did pass. Realistically, what do think would happen that would be so disastrous with this baby? What is the worst that could happen? Do you honestly think this is likely?

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:21

YOu really cannot do this in secret. Partly because you are in a marriage and partly because I think you are not thinking straight because of your panic. You need to confide in your dh.

Original poster

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:21

I am an anxious person and have had panic attacks in the past but now have them under control. I feel like i am frantically running in circles, i just want it to go away. I feel isolated and alone, last time i was pregnant i nearly died and i never could've imagined that another pregnancy would reinstate those feelings of being back in hospital critically ill with nobody able to gurantee your life. I don't want to be out of control like that again. I just want to feel happy and i am so scared.

OP posts:

lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:23

you might want to seek specialised counselling anyway regarding the trauma of your last pregnancy and birth....regardless of whether you proceed with this pregnancy or not x do you think you have PTSD/ PND?

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:25

I honestly believe your pregnancy is triggering your memories and emotions from your last pregnancy/birth. Talk to your GP, she will be able to arrange counselling. What happened to you? I can imagine how you feel, having had a frightening experience myself with dd, which gave me panic attacks.

lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:27

birth trauma association

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