A secret abortion, ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marshmellow]

I am in somewhat a state of turmoil. Newly pregnant, should be excited but am not and with the weeks passing i am getting more and more convinced that i just want it to go away. The trouble is, dh wants it and we've told friends and family (i only decided to tell people because i wanted it to spur on some excitement inside but this hasn't happened). I am due to see the doctor soon to go through the whole paperwork thing but part of me is wanting to ask if there is an early abortion pill that i can take to induce a miscarriage....is there? This would then mean lying to everyone i care about and having to take their sympathetic gestures whilst knowing i terminated the baby! I feel desperate, frightened and terribly alone but at the same time if i do have an abortion i don't want anyone to know becuase that makes the guilt harder to bear. Has anyone had a secret abortion and made out it was a miscarriage? I feel in such a state of panic, i have got to do something. I am so irritable, moody, tired and unbearable to be around, i just want to be me again. I have even been smoking and having hot baths in the hope of miscarrying, god i sound such a dreadful person. Please tell me what my options are.

[Marshmellow]

I am religious, don't go to church lots but do pray every night. Dh is a great believer of fate and he says that me becoming pregnant now, having stopped trying, is pure fate. I have smoked all through this pregnancy, admittedly cut down once i found out but am still concerned about what damage may have been done when i was smoking 15 a day without realsing i was pregnant. Have cut down to 3 or 4 but maybe i'm just trying to find reasons why not to have it by thinking it might be damaged. DD just woke and came down, had a big hug, how can i even want to destroy a little person? Feeling so crap for even wanting it to go away. Afterall, this is what both of my children began as.

[sazzybee]

what a dreadful situation for you

I can only echo what others have said - having a termination without telling your dh, while it might seem like the best option right now, won't help things in the long run.

You need to talk to him and also have proper counselling.

Terminations when you're not absolutely convinced you're doing the right thing from a positive and strong perspective can be very hard. And you're extremely fragile right now so you're not in the right place to make a really hard decision like that all on your own.

Please stop beating yourself up - for feeling like you don't want this baby or for any behaviour you feel is recklessly endangering it. Please, please talk to someone.

xx

[stitch]

you have to learn to forgive yourself for your feelings, for the sake of your sanity and your family.
God gave you this baby for a reson. you dont know what it is, but you have to have faith that whatever he does is for our best interests..
god also gave us freewill, which complicates matters so much, but when you do pray, then ask for guidance on what the right course of action should be....(im not a christian btw)

as far as a secret abortion goess, the problem with something secret is tht it has to remaain a secret for life.. not even fifty years down the line can youreveal it becausee of thepain you will cause your loved ones. so think through very very carefully before going ahead with it..

[Aloha]

I don't believe in God or 'fate'. But I think you are not in a place to have a termination. This is not about the baby in your womb, it is about the other babies and the other experiences you have had. Please talk to your dh and to your doctor. I wish you lots of love and happiness.

[HuwEdwards]

So MM, after talking to us, are you any clearer about your next step?

[hertsnessex]

Marshmellow,

I can understand your fears. I nealry died when having my first and second. I got pregnant again and sadly lost my third. I don't think you want this to just go away, but i don think you need to talk.

if you want to mail me please do. I am also a doula and we can discuss your fears and i have some great reading material that may help you make more of an informed decision and show you that you have more choices in relation to birth and labour than you first thought. It may alleviate some of the worries you are having.
[email protected]

Cx

[Judy1234]

mm, you are having this baby for your husband and there is nothing wrong with that but you can ensure that it doesn't disrupt your life. You can take a few weeks maternity leave, you can make your husband arrange all child care and collections if he wants the baby so much and you can in effect put him in the position of most mothers. So give him that choice - you have the baby without the disruption and long maternity leave adn he takes over a lot of that role or you can have an abortion.

My mother stopped smoking when I was conceived but she smoked throughout my brother and sister being in the womb and they went to Oxford and Cambridge... it does not always have major bad effect. Don't worry about it.

Also if you are moody etc that's just the first 3 months of pregnancy which you're nearly through. You'll feel much better after 3 months.

[tribpot]

Xenia, marshmellow's worried about dying in the pregnancy, I don't think getting her dh to take over that aspect is v practical! (Much as one might wish it on a regular basis).

[Aloha]

Who says she's having this baby for her husband? Talk about missing the point!

MM, how are you feeling today?

[Judy1234]

She said her husband wanted it. She posted about not wanting her life and work disrupted. I missed the bit about worrying about dying.

[Marshmellow]

Thanks so much for all your words of comfort. i am feeling alot more balanced at the moment, just trying to take each day as it comes. I have established that i do want this baby and that my main problem is getting my head around what happened previously. But, with taking each day as it comes and not thnking ahead i find the fear is alot less. I have tried to imagine how i would feel if i got rid of it and you are all right in that that wouldn't simply be the end of it. I would have to live with that secret and i couldn't. I have told dh how i am feeling and he said he would support me either way but is thrilled that i have decided to keep it. Have spoken to my doctor who has reassured me that i will be 100% monitored and closely watched by him and a midwife throughout. Still feel very frightened as no amount of "watching" can actually save you should things go wrong but am trying not to dwell on that side. Just concentrating on today and the thought of a baby at the end - trying not to think about the journey inbetween. thanks once again for helping me

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I'm so pleased you are feeling better about this

[nearlythree]

I've been following your thread - glad you are feeling better. I suffer from anxiety brought on by my dcs getting ill, and I've found the book Self Help for your Nerves by Claire Weekes v. good. There are lots of strategies for getting through. Good luck.

[bumperlicious]

Marshmellow, I'm so pleased that you're feeling better about the baby. It must have been an agonising time for you. Just make sure you keep talking about how you feel, especially to your DH. We're all here for you

[CaptainCaveman]

Hi Marshmallow

so glad you are feeling a little better and have spoken to your dh and GP.

I hope you don't mind but I've added you to the prayer list here as you sound in need of prayer and support. Please feel free to come and join the thread!

[CaptainCaveman]

oops I mean Marshmellow!!

[CaptainDippy]

Thinking and Praying. xx

[MaryBS]

Marshmellow, my prayers are with you and your family {hug}

[Marshmellow]

Time has carried on and i am due my first scan soon. I would love to say that i have had a complete change of heart and am feeling over the moon but who am i kidding. It feels like a huge burden but have resigned myself to the fact that it is not going away. I have spent the last few weeks in total denial and feel dreadful that i have not stopped smoking. I am so worried about the damage that i may have done.
Initially i had carried on smoking thinking that i either wasn't going to have it or that i would most likely miscarry. I have come to terms with the fact that i can't face an abortion but at the same time am totally in denial that this pregnancy is actually going to happen. When i stop to think about the smoking i feel so bad because i never did smoke with my other two but at the same time it blanks any thoughts of being pregnant.
I had a letter through from my midwife for a first appointment, i cried for hours at the realness of this and have not got back to her.
I need to get my head around the fact that this baby is going nowhere and start looking after myself and stop smoking. Could i have done some harm? i am so stupid.
All i want in the whole wide world is just to feel happy and excited about this pregnancy NOT miserable, frightened and doomed. I am dreading the scan, seeing the very thing that i have so cruelly not wanted and have posioned with cigarette smoke! I am so worried

[Juicylucytoo]

MM - try not to worry about the smoking too much. Many people smoked over the last 30 years without thinking about or knowing the consequences and still had healthy babies. It is unlikely you did much harm. Hope your scan goes ok.

[steinermum]

Please don't use fear of damage done as an excuse to stop smoking. You know you need to stop now, for you and your baby. The human body is wonderful at repairing any harm done. You could try talking out loud to your baby, massaging your tummy - anything to help you feel the realness of this child. It's so good that you're using mumsnet like this. Lots of love xx

[Katy44]

Marshmellow, still thinking about you. I hope your scan helps you to feel more positive.

[gothicmama]

try talking to bump fwiw as other have said damage wil repair itself if there has been any don't beat yourself up about lots of peopel who don't know they are prg smoke and drink