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Pregnancy

A secret abortion, ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

74 replies

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 18:52

I am in somewhat a state of turmoil. Newly pregnant, should be excited but am not and with the weeks passing i am getting more and more convinced that i just want it to go away. The trouble is, dh wants it and we've told friends and family (i only decided to tell people because i wanted it to spur on some excitement inside but this hasn't happened). I am due to see the doctor soon to go through the whole paperwork thing but part of me is wanting to ask if there is an early abortion pill that i can take to induce a miscarriage....is there? This would then mean lying to everyone i care about and having to take their sympathetic gestures whilst knowing i terminated the baby! I feel desperate, frightened and terribly alone but at the same time if i do have an abortion i don't want anyone to know becuase that makes the guilt harder to bear. Has anyone had a secret abortion and made out it was a miscarriage? I feel in such a state of panic, i have got to do something. I am so irritable, moody, tired and unbearable to be around, i just want to be me again. I have even been smoking and having hot baths in the hope of miscarrying, god i sound such a dreadful person. Please tell me what my options are.

OP posts:

Report

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:27

I did have PND after my second and the whole trauma of being so ill but i never admitted to this or sought advice. Its only once i had come through it and looking back now that i can see that i obviously had it. I really wanted a baby, i have been raving on about it for years but now that its happened it has stirred up feelings and fear that i didn't even know were still there. Everyone kept saying to me "you shouldnt have another, you were so ill" and i always replied "oh for heavens sake, anyone can get ill, pregnant or not". I was really positive and didn't have any worries about the whole thing and now i am so shocked and horrified by exactly how i'm feeling.

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Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:34

Had a quick glance at the birth trauma, alot of characteristics ring true. I had no problems with talking about how i nearly died etc when pregnant last time BUT i can't even mention that event now that i am pregnant again and being pregnant again has relighted those fears, taken me straight back to my worst nightmare ever. After the experience i had such a phobia of hospitals, but then once i was no longer pregnant i was fine. Now that i am pregnant again i feel this fear of hospitals again, a fear of dying there and just feel totally overwhelmed. I don't see how i can go on like this for 9 months, i never ever couldn've imagined that all this would come flooding in. I can't go through with it

OP posts:

Katy44 · 01/02/2007 19:36

Do your DCs know you are pregnant, or are they too young?
Please please talk to someone before you make any definite decisions.

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:36

Oh, I am so sorry you feel like this. I'd give you a hug if I was the hugging sort - soddit, here's a virtual hug >>
It's SO hard if you've had a bad experience. And people can be brutally insensitive. Hospitals have specialist counsellors who could help you just by being there to support you and listen to you. You might also want to look here at Birth Crisis a site set up by Sheila Kitzinger to help women who have suffered.

Can you bear to say what happened to you last time?

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:37

Is it possible for you to have a home birth this time? Does your medical condition make this possible? Maybe you could have a specialist doula to help you. I just have a feeling that you are not really sure about having an abortion and I am not at all ant0-abortion.

lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:39

was about to suggest exactly what aloha has suggested ....and a big ((((((hug))))) too !

Greensleeves · 01/02/2007 19:40

I felt the way you describe when I was pregnant with my second child, because of a traumatic birth with my first. I ended up just shutting down my feelings altogether and going through the second pregnancy almost in a dreamlike state. It's now, when I want a third child, that I am really feeling the fear and panic about what happened.

Please don't try to go through this on your own. I think that you are in no fit state to make a huge, life-changing decision by yourself - you need the support and input of those who care about you.

I am sorry you are feeling so desperate, but it is very understandable, and you're not alone.

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:40

Sorry, my hug was a bit spiky!

Here

((((((((hug)))))))

jabuti · 01/02/2007 19:40

what a hard situation marsh! one thing that caught my attention was the fact that you mention to be awful to have to admit it to your husband. that got me thinking... if you cant verbalize it, could that means that you haven't made up your mind completely?

thats why talking to someone (and not just typing here) could be of tremendous help for you.

wish you get through this as well as you can.

amidaiwish · 01/02/2007 19:42

oh you poor thing, i feel so sorry for you. It does sound though like you are just terrified (understandably) of being pregnant again, rather than not actually wanting the baby.
Please talk this through with someone, they may be able to reassure you of the likelihood of it happening again. Whatever you do you must talk to dh - you are married and if you want to keep your marriage you must share this and your feelings. He will find out, you won't be able to keep something so big from him and that (the secret) really could damage your relationship.
Take care. Let us know - we'll all be thinking of you.

Wordsmith · 01/02/2007 19:44

Agree with Aloha. I am definitely not anti-abortion but I don't think you want an abortion, you are scared of history repeating itself. Please use some of the excellent links on here to get some good advice. You won't go through the same thing again. Don't do something you will regret before looking at the alternatives.

Another hug >> from a total non-hugger!

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:44

I would rather not say what happened, sorry, but i guess there is always an argument that had i not been pregnant and so run down i might not've gotten so ill. I don't know, maybe i still would have. Being pregnant complicated everything, i had members of the family and everyone around me in tears saying goodbye as i was never meant to live. I just remember feeling so helpless, not being able to understand why nobody could save me. Luckily it was one of those things that my body fought back but it was very terrifying and i had a total fear of going out for some time afterwards. I thought i was fine, i am fine, just not when i'm pregnant

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Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 19:45

Received the hugs gratefully....thanks

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lulumama · 01/02/2007 19:46

you are not fine...and all this has been brought to the surface , having never been resolved....

i am so sorry that something so awful happened to you

it was not your fault , for being pregnant or ill or anything

please please please get some help...it will be a good thing in the long run to deal with the pain

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:51

Your illness was NOT your fault! I had a conditioning in my first pregnancy that could have killed me (placenta praevia) and I don't think I ever realised how scared I was until I had my second child. I had a very traumatic experience involving being left totally alone in labour with midwives refusing to help me, and I was bleeding and the whole thing was just terrifying for me, especially as I had very scary bleeds in my first pregnancy.

Greensleeves · 01/02/2007 19:52

Marshmellow, no-one could cope with that alone - please, please get some help, let people around you in if you can. You have been through something enormous, you need kindness from yourself and others, and time to work through what has happened properly. Don't bottle it up.

Have a hug from me too ((((((((())))))))

Aloha · 01/02/2007 19:54

I honestly think you have post-traumatic stress, and I am not at all sure that a termination would make it better.

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 20:03

All i can focus on at the moment is the positives of not having this baby. More money, more time with my 2 existing children, nice holidays etc and those thoughts are all that is keeping me happy at the moment. I can't even bear to think how life will be with another child. What if i do go through with the pregnancy and remain feeling like this, what if i resent the baby and what if i never bond with it. There are far to many negatives about continuing with it, i just don't think i can. I feel i am living a nightmare.

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lulumama · 01/02/2007 20:04

ok.,.well until recently , you were TTC...and something has changed...so at some point recently, you did want another baby. so do you know what has triggered it ?

CountTo10 · 01/02/2007 20:06

For fear of repeating myself, having read your responses I would further suggest counselling etc before you make any decisions and that your dh should be involved in that. You sound like you are going through a lot more than trying to adjust to a new pg and you need to focus on that as well. I know it must feel scary to confide in your dh given that he appears ok with everything but he obviously knows that something is not right and he can't give you the support you need if he doesn't know. I know you're not considering it in this way, but termination is not an easy option in the most normal of circumstances. Doing it and then doing it in secret will just worsen what appears to be a tough time for you and put even more pressure on yourself. Take 5 and put away any worries about that for the moment, try and speak to your dh or at least speak to an independant counsellor and then take stock. Remember that this is a fragile time anyway and perhaps some nurturing for yourself is what you need above anything else.

WideWebWitch · 01/02/2007 20:15

You poor thing, agree that you maybe have PTSD and perhaps ante natal dpression and that an abortion won't necesarily be the answer.

But if it is (and it may be, but I don't think you know yet) then you should do it with some support from your dh and others.

Marshmellow · 01/02/2007 20:51

I just feel so confused. I've been sat here trying to imagine a baby sat with us and i can see it, i can see us being a 5 but i don't want to go through a pregnancy. Dh isn't in the mood for talking, i am just so tired and now feeling bad becuase i have just had 2 cigarettes and if i don't miscarry i will no doubt have damaged it because i have not been taking care of myself. I wish i didn't have this problem, i'm kind of blindly thinking that if i have an abortion then it will just go away and that'll be that. I'm not really considering the repercussions of that. I will speak to the doctor but feel noone can really save me as long as this baby has control of my body.

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Aloha · 01/02/2007 20:56

Your baby isn't controlling your body. Your bad experiences are affecting your thinking, understandably and naturally. You haven't damaged your baby. That is your fear and anxiety talking. I am glad you are going to talk to your doctor. Please, please be honest. Explain your awful time last time around and that you are now having panic attacks and that you need some counselling. And you do need to talk to your dh. He is part of this.

stitch · 01/02/2007 21:00

things happen for areasson.
im so lgad im not in your shoes..
but if i were, i wouldnt have an abortion. not much help im afraid.i would have to take the stance that i m stuck with it. whether i like it oor not.

good luck with whatever you decide to do

stitch · 01/02/2007 21:02

two cigarettes wont damage your baby. they may even be beneficial if the nicotine etc helps destress you.
you need to stop feeling guilty.
are you at all religious? that has always helped me at times like this.

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