Dads at ante-natal scans

[Tom]

Dear mumsnetters

The govt is working on a project to promote to employers the idea that expectant fathers should be allowed time off to attend ante-natal scans. They're not going to introduce any legislation - rather just promote this as good employer practice. I am helping them build their case, and have argued that it is especially important for the abnormality scan, which can be quite nerve racking at times, and if anything does come up, quite traumatic. Most mums name their partner as their main source of emotional support during/after pregnancy.

My request is this - do any of you have any experiences you can share that illustrate the importance of your partner during a scan? It could be for any number of reasons - perhaps it was the key moment that enabled him to really become engaged in the pregnancy (us blokes don't get all the physical changes of pregnancy, so reality often kicks in when we see a baby on a screen), or perhaps some of you have had traumatic experiences during scans when the presence of your partner was vital to you coping with the upset. Or perhaps some of you might have not been able to take your partner along (employer inflexibility) and his absence caused problems? Perhaps his absence meant that he was less involved in the pregnancy because he didn't get the medical information he needed to support you...

Any experiences would be helpful to hear about - we would like it to become accepted practice that a father, like a mother, is allowed to take time out from work to go along to the scans. We believe that involving fathers-to-be in the pregnancy is essential to dads being involved after the birth.

Many thanks for any help you can give.

I did most of my scans on my own, because dh wasn't able to leave work, but he managed to come, it was very emotional for him, even though I'd say he did not need that to be more aware of the baby, but that's him.

With this pregnancy I had a high nuchal scan result, and even though it may or may not mean anything I did feel v. lonely at being on my own, and he's definitely coming (this or divorce) at my 20 week scan when we'll know for sure (or as sure as you can be in these things) if the baby's ok.

I definitely do not want to be given bad news on my own. I am lucky that my first pregnancy was v. straightforward, and more or less this one is as well, but the nuchal scan made very aware of ho much I'd need him to be woth me if I'd been given any bad news, sitting alone in the waiting room, waiting for the results, when every otehr woman was accompanied by a partner (and some by the whole family it seemed!) was very depressing.

well said, dino, I too had an Edwards scare, and having dh there to see the anomaly scan (nice toes, fingers etc, reassured the consultant) was absolutely essential. fortunately my dh has one of those forward thinking employers, and neither of us is in a clock-watching profession. i pity those who are and can't make it to those important appointments - for the joy of seeing it and sometimes for that support you need if the news isn't so good.

I couldn't imagine having to go to a scan without my dh being there to support me. I had a scare at about 10 weeks (unexplained bleeding) and fully expected to go along for a scan and be told that the baby had died. There is no way I could have done that alone and dh wanted to be there more than anything. It's just as much his baby as mine after all. When we got the all clear we both cried with relief. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for him to sit at work and wonder if in fact his baby was dead.

He also came to the 12 week scan, nuchal scan and 20 week scan and again I would have hated to have done it without him. Scans are always an anxious time for mums and dads to be and I think it's vital for both parents to be there if that's what they want. It's wonderful for dads to see the db on the scan as well and I'm sure that makes it seem more real for them but I think the main thing to remember is that scans can be very stressful and the baby is just as much the dad's as the mum's.

The only scan I went to on my own was one with DS2 at 37 weeks. At that scan, I accidentally found out the sex and that there was a potential kidney problem. I was an emoional wreck after that one and it would have been far far better had DH been there. Quite apart from the emotional support, I was incapable of holding any information in my mind for more than 10 minutes so anything I remembered about the kidney issue was fairly vague at best.

i think its incredably (speling?) important for dads to be at the scans. dh came to all of mine. we never had any problems but he was always thriled to see the little heartbeat, legs and arms kicking on the screen
we are self-employed and we have actually closed our shop on a couple of occasions so that dh could be at scan!

Scans aren't to get a nice picture of the baby. THey are there to spot any potential problems. And as such, they can be extremely distressing - I personally think that anyone who doesn't anticipate a potential problem and take along support is making a BIG mistake. The last thing I wanted was to be standing outside the hospital, shaking and weeping into a mobile phone.

As it happens, all my four scans were without incident. But I couldn't believe the number of women there who were there on their own.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Keep em coming! This is just what i need. As many real life experiences as possible please!

I too had a scare on holiday, just before my 12 week scan was due. I was so pleased DP was there, an anxious time but also such a joy to see baby on the screen. It was having a party in there, and DP's face was such a picture! He looked so happy. It definately made everything more 'real' for him, he went very quiet after, and later admitted this was why. A bit later on he also said he was so happy he could of cried ( a few beers had been consumed meantime!!)
I'll be having my 20 week scan in a few weeks, no appiontment yet, we both work shifts, so I don't know what will happen, I would consider changing my appiontment if DP couldn't come... ensuring all dads could come could prevent such organisational nightmares for the NHS. Definately a good idea, it is important for dads to be able to be involved.

i was very lucky as DH's school (he's a teacher) gave him the afternoon off to come to our DD's scan, it just wouldn't have been the same without him. We too had an early scare and i didn't feel properly pregnant until i saw the baby on a non-stressfull 17 week scan, i needed DH there for support. I can say in my experinece i don't know of anyone who's employer hasn't let them attend the scan

My dh came to both scans in my first and this pregancy, for him it was amazing to see his child on the screen and make it 'real' iyswim.

Also, my friend found out her baby had died at her scan when there wasn't a heartbeat and I cannot imagine her getting through that without her husband by her side, dreadful to even think of her being all alone and getting that news.

tom, motherinferiors comment made me realise just how few other dads were at our scans maybe they could not get time off work...or maybe they didnt see any reason to be there??
i just wondered if your campaign was also going to target fathers and make them aware or the importance of being at all scans?

motherinferior

you make it sound as if one goes alone because they're too naive and don't anticipate there might be problems, in my case, dh was unable to come, full stop, and I think this is the case for most women, I don't believe anyone would go alone if they had a choice.
It wasn't because we were so incredibly naive about the whole thing. If he could have come he would have, even if we had known in advance there would be no problems, scans are yes, a very useful diagnostic tool, but why do you have to undermine so much the emotional value of seeing your baby for the first time? (once you've reasssured everything's ok?)

Even with the nuchal scan results which were a bit worrying, I thouroughly enjoed being able to see my baby at my 12week scan, and it reinforced my decision not to have an amnio. I can't possibly separate the diagnotic side from the emotional one in scan, to me they are the same thing.

Also why should one think of the worse all the time? I've never gone into my scans thinking 'oh my god what will they find out?' It saved me from weeks of unenecessary worry and stress.

My dh came with me when I had my scans ds1 no problems everything ok, but second pregnancy Dr worried thought dates were wrong and baby to big... went for scan lots of whispering and muttering.. DH was then asked descreatly if there was a 'history of multipule births' in the family, yes DH was asked not me.....was very upset but was also very glad he was there with me, don't know how I would have coped without him.

But webmum - scans really aren't about getting a picture of your db - they are about looking for problems and (hopefully) making sure everything's ok. Seeing your db in a scan is only a small part of what it's about. The 20 week scan is called the anomaly scan after all....

Although it's wonderful to have a good scan (nothing beats that feeling IMHO) they are primarily a diagnostic tool and we are all aware that some problems might be found. I was very anxious about all of my scans and talking to other MNetters I know that I am not the only one. Surely, it's far better to go for a scan knowing that there might be a problem than to think it's only about seeing db.

That's why I think it's so important for dh/dp to be there if at all possible and employers should be made to realise that having a scan is not just about having an afternoon off work to look at your baby - it's about making sure that everything is ok or, if not, then working towards the next step and being there to support your dp/dw.

Fully support the initiative - like childbirth, we should develop a norm that fathers participate (and that's despite my personal preference NOT to have him there).

I did not say I was going ONLY to see baby, but to me is part of being sure baby is ok, they can tell evrything is fine, but when I see it on screen moving about I can then really believe that.
I know there might be problems, but I am a person who doens't worry in advance about things, if something goes wrong I'll worry about it when it comes, (taht's me I know), but I find all this underlying the possible problems you coul find makes people more anxious than they should be.

I could worry for 20 weeks and when I'm told there's problem I'll as shocked as I would if I didn't worry at all, so I choose not too worry if I can help it, not about some possible problem that might arise, problems cana rise all the time, so I try no to think about it.

This time I have more reason to worry because of the nuchal scan results, but I still try not to think about it too much, what's the point? It won't chnage the outcome and it won't make the time from now to the scan go any faster, (and possibky make it feel longer), so I'll deal with it when the time comes.

It's just that I'm optimistic by nature, and I'd rather focus on the positive side of things (seeing my baby) than the negative one (what if there IS a problem). Life is just too short to dwell on things that might never happen.

I did not say I was going ONLY to see baby, but to me is part of being sure baby is ok, they can tell evrything is fine, but when I see it on screen moving about I can then really believe that.
I know there might be problems, but I am a person who doens't worry in advance about things, if something goes wrong I'll worry about it when it comes, (taht's me I know), but I find all this underlying the possible problems you coul find makes people more anxious than they should be.

I could worry for 20 weeks and when I'm told there's problem I'll as shocked as I would if I didn't worry at all, so I choose not too worry if I can help it, not about some possible problem that might arise, problems cana rise all the time, so I try no to think about it.

This time I have more reason to worry because of the nuchal scan results, but I still try not to think about it too much, what's the point? It won't chnage the outcome and it won't make the time from now to the scan go any faster, (and possibky make it feel longer), so I'll deal with it when the time comes.

It's just that I'm optimistic by nature, and I'd rather focus on the positive side of things (seeing my baby) than the negative one (what if there IS a problem). Life is just too short to dwell on things that might never happen.

My DH has been both scans with DS and with all scans with DD (I think there were 5 or 6).
Not only do I feel it is important for the dad to be there as a support for the mum but the baby is just as much the father's child as the mother's and so he should be allowed time off to go to the scan as the mother is allowed time off for antenatal appointments. A baby does have 2 parents after all ...
In my second pregnancy I went for my 12 week scan and found that the baby had died (I had had a bit of bleeding the day before so we did have a bit of warning) ... there is absolutely no way I would have been able to cope if DH had not been there with me. It was important for a few reasons.
a) DH could see and digest the news of the baby's death at the same time as me ... and therefore go through his own period of grief etc
b) He was able to support me through that awful time and talk to the sonographer etc
c) He was able to distract DS who was also with us at the time. DS was nearly 3 years old at the time and he could see me crying. My DH was able to answer his questions and so DS was not traumatised by my upset.

Go for it Tom ... this is a great thing that you are doing

Good for you webmum - I only wish we could all be as optimistic as you!!

We were lucky as Dh was able to come to my scan, and when I had to go to the hospital for blood tests and some day time monitoring. he also came to the first antenatal appointment with the MW, and to one later to hear the heart beat.

He works very close to the hospital we used and his work were great - he didn't take any time off using holidays, etc. he was just able to come out of workon their time.

He also managed to not take any holiday time off whilst I was in hospital for induction, birth and after my cs. Luckily the actual birth was in the evening so not affected, but the rest of the time he popped into work for an hour or so in the morning, came to see me at 9 when visiting hours started, stayed for a while, went back into work, came to see me for a couple of hours or so fater lunch, and then again after work at 5ish for the evening. Luckily I wasn't in for too long overall!

I have to support webmum a bit here having read down the thread now. Although, yes, scans are very important and are diagnostic, from many woman's view (and dads too) they are the first chance they have of seeing their baby. And it is incredibly emotional and lovely (all being well). And why shouldn't it be seen as that chance as well? I looked forward to my scan - only had one, the dating scan; no second scan optionfor us in Sheffield at the time - because I knew I'd get to see my baby. And both me and Dh were really excitred about that. of course we knew something could be wrong but we didn't dwell on that or let it spoil the experience for us. After having a mc before I just wanted to look for the best in this scan. last time I had had a scan it was simply to ascertain that my mc had been complete [ad] and certainly not pleasant. This time I planned for it to be different and it (fortunately) was a great experience.

I also agree that it was important to me that I did have someone with me at my scan in case of problems, but also to share the excitement too. And I am sure many women do prefer to have soemone with them, but sadly it is not always possible for all women.

I did normally go to all my MW appouintments on my own and lets face it they could have found problems there and I'd have been alone to deal with it. In fact when I did have a potential problem and was asked to go striaght to the hospital myself I was alone and was scared. Again I was lucky as Dh was with me as soon as I got to hospital.

I don't disagree with you at all Hulababy but I do think that until employers realise that scans can be stressful they won't all be as understanding as some already are. IMHO the sooner that dads to be are allowed to take time off to go to scans and other appointments the better. Mind you, I wouldn't necessarily want my dh to come to my m'w appointment - he might see how much weight I've put on!!

Oh I agree with that piglet. I think dads should be 'allowed' way more time off to attend antenatal (and after birth) appointments with their partners. We were so lucky I know, and that should be avaiable to everyone.