Dads at ante-natal scans

[Tom]

Dear mumsnetters

The govt is working on a project to promote to employers the idea that expectant fathers should be allowed time off to attend ante-natal scans. They're not going to introduce any legislation - rather just promote this as good employer practice. I am helping them build their case, and have argued that it is especially important for the abnormality scan, which can be quite nerve racking at times, and if anything does come up, quite traumatic. Most mums name their partner as their main source of emotional support during/after pregnancy.

My request is this - do any of you have any experiences you can share that illustrate the importance of your partner during a scan? It could be for any number of reasons - perhaps it was the key moment that enabled him to really become engaged in the pregnancy (us blokes don't get all the physical changes of pregnancy, so reality often kicks in when we see a baby on a screen), or perhaps some of you have had traumatic experiences during scans when the presence of your partner was vital to you coping with the upset. Or perhaps some of you might have not been able to take your partner along (employer inflexibility) and his absence caused problems? Perhaps his absence meant that he was less involved in the pregnancy because he didn't get the medical information he needed to support you...

Any experiences would be helpful to hear about - we would like it to become accepted practice that a father, like a mother, is allowed to take time out from work to go along to the scans. We believe that involving fathers-to-be in the pregnancy is essential to dads being involved after the birth.

Many thanks for any help you can give.

Tom, this is a fantastic thing to be working on. I hope my story is useful to you.

I had a very early scan booked because I had a dodgy start to my pregnancy and I had a friend who worked at the EPU so she had made me a booking. Before the scan I'd had bloods done, and the results had come back positive - and all the scans with our first pregnancy had been fine. We both had very busy days, and I was intending to only pop out for an hour, and DP's meeting was a very high level one. So very complascently I went along on my own.

At the scan I was told that they couldn't see a foetus, and it was very unlikely the pregnancy would develop. My only thought was that I needed my DP. I needed him desperately. I couldn't take in what was being said to me, and I knew that there were lots of questions that I should be asking but I just couldn't think of anything to say, and I didn't dare open my mouth because I didn't want to break down when I was on my own. If I had been with DP I would have allowed my emotions out, but on my own I would have instantly have been smothered by well meaning people, and I couldn't face that. So I had to keep a brave face on and keep nodding at what was being said.

I had to wait for DP to come out of his meeting and switch his phone on. I told him everything straight away and he just walked back into the meeting, picked up his stuff and walked out. He felt dreadful for having thought that his meeting was more important than coming to the scan. But I totally understand why he didn't come - just in retrospect I wish he had. The one thing I do resent is how we saw each other next. We arranged to meet in the place we could get to the fastest - a station pick up point. He also saved up his emotions until he saw me - which meant that we hugged and cried sitting in the front seats of the car. I had also been crying for well over an hour by then (in the car waiting) but he was only just starting - and that felt very strange too. That was something I would have preferred to have shared.

We had to phone the hospital to ask what they had actually said and what would happen next, as I really hadn't taken much in.

Two weeks later we went together for the follow up scan, where it was confirmed that the foetus was not developing. I was not able to see the screen, but DP saw it all, and asked them to show me (I wouldn't have had the courage). That was the single most important thing in understanding and coping with my miscarriage - seeing the sad, sorry state of the tiny foetus. But without DP there I would not have been able to see that.

We are lucky as DP is always able to take time off for scans (and indeed was allowed as much time as he needed to cope with the miscarriage). But it made us both realise just how vital his presence always had been at every other scan. Good luck, hope this helps.

Good for you Tom, When i told DH i was pregnant he was thrilled and took days off work to come to every appt with me, he was at every scan. It was our first(only have 1) and they told us that after third scan that the baby was lieing on the placenta and it was really great that he was there to take in what the drs were saying as i blanked as i was worried. He came to all the antmatal appts sat in with all blood tests,Anti D injections and all through the birth, He's last job were not happy hence he left coz he told them his family were his priority. He then stayed at home for the first yr with dd and i returned to work second yr we changed over and love being at home. We are trying for no2 and he says nothing will change he will do it all again.

In my second pregnancy I had bleeding and was given an early scan. I was prepared for a miscarriage but not for the suspected ectopic I was told it might be. Without DH there I think I would have really struggled. In the end it did turn out to be a miscarriage but the day where they were trying to decide was awful. We made sure that dh came to every scan in my third pregnancy.

Also from a practical point of view- because of the suspected ectopic I was kept in - and that meant having to run around and arrange different things for ds1- dh needed to be there.

Not quite the same I know - but I think as there is always the potential for a serious problem to be picked up at a scan then dh's need to be able to come if they so wish.

Many thanks folks - this is all very useful - DTI was initially trying to sell this as "important for dad to see the baby" - while this is important and useful, I have been telling them that it is a tiny factor compared to being there for your partner at what has the potential to be a very traumatic time, if things go wrong. Many of the stories here will really push that point home - it's very helpful, particularly because it cuts through all the 'men v women' bs that so often characterises the debates on fatherhood. Simple fact is that (most) guys want to be there for their partner because they love them and wan to be there for them, and most women want their partner there because they love them and need their support.

I will take all of this and have a good look through it, pull together the best and edit (they won't understand "for dp1, dh came along" etc) and if it's ok with people, I'll come up with some names to attach to the quotes.

DH not being there at the scan didn't and hasn't affected our relationship at all. I've never felt any resentment at him not being there when I was given the bad news.

Tom, I second MI's point. I had good reason to be concerned about potential anomalies at both my 12-week and 20-week scans. Plus I was run over ? pedestrian hit by a car ? just before my 20 week scan. So really, really needed dh there. Couldn't have coped with bad news on my own and think it would have been morally wrong of his employers to prevent him coming. I can't imagine what it must be like to be on your own, or to be there with someone else (your mum, for instance) and then have to tell your dp/dh something's wrong.
MI's right. Songraphers, who should know, do feel that people turn up for these scans excited because they are going to see their baby and get a picture. They often don't realise or seem to have forgotten that the primary purpose is diagnostic. Perhaps because until you are pregnant yourself, the only conversations you have about scans with pregnant women are looking at the picture and saying: 'That's amazing'. Obviously someone who has had an OK scan isn't going to talk about what could have gone wrong.

sigh... 'sonographers' obviously.

Tom, I'm quite happy to be quoted and if it helps, I was concerned about abnormalities that were potentially so serious it could have meant a stillborn baby or one who wouldn't survive more than a few days. But could equally have been less serious but still major, if you see what I mean. Fortunately everything was OK.

Would it be paid time off ?????

My pregnancy with Ds was quite difficult and i had to be transferred to another hospital across the other side of the Brum. I had to have a scan every 1/2 weeks (from about 28 weeks) and my dp had to use all of his remaining holidays up and then take time off without pay.

The company he worked for moaned and moaned about it despite them not having to pay him.
It made a very worrying and stressful situation even more so.
When i had Ds, dp had used up all of his holidays so had to take 2 weeks off work unpaid (just before xmas). He didn't get one single days partenity leave, not even for the birth itself.

Tom - the point you made about the DTI saying it was for dad to see baby is such a good one. That's what this whole debate ought to be about IMO. We need to show the DTI/employers/whoever that this isn't just about having a day off work to look at pictures of db (although hopefully that will happen) but that it's (a) a matter of parents being able support each other if things don't go well and (b) including the dad from the earliest stage possible. Good luck!

In my pregnancy I had four scans and DH was only there at one of them (20 week scan).

I had a scan at 10 weeks due to bleeding and although DH was in the hospital, he wasn't with me at the scan. I think it was because the night before he had been with me in the hosipital while they gave me an internal examination which I hated and was not good in. I know that for him to see me in pain was horrible.

So with the scan the day after I didn't want him to see me unhappy so went in on my own. I don't know what I'd have done if it had been bad news.

The other two scans were growth scans at 36 and 37 weeks and I didn't see the point in dragging DH there, especially as I didn't know exactly when they'd be (I was in hospital anyway). But I did want him to be there - a growth scan isn't the same as a 20 week scan. I kept feeling it was my fault that Bump wasn't growing enough.

But I was lucky that DH's work is flexible and would let him have time to do anything necessary - it was more me wanting to protect him that meant I was on my own for most of them.