8 months pregnant and partner just left me

[LilyBlue1]

Came home tonight and he'd packed his bags and gone. So lonely and afraid. Can anyone help?

I really appreciate you listening guys. As predicted he has come back with 'none of that is true - I never said any of those things'. Complete voluntary amnesia. Point blank refusal of the things he yelled at me as usual. Wish I'd recorded it and could flipping play it back to him.
Says he left to give us both space. Didn't bother telling me that - nor where he went to. And then waits two days to see if I am
okay. I have blocked him from texting now. I am just too angry and hurt.

You're right I am stressed. Been having anxiety attacks all day and crying on and off. Feel guilty as Milo isn't moving as much. I know he senses it. I'll make it up to him when he arrives.

I don't have anyone.

If baby isn't moving as much please get yourself to hospital and get checked out. He needs to be moving about as normal. He won't have stopped wiggling as much because he can sense anything. Please go and get him checked to make sure he's ok

Baby is okay honest. He pushes against my hand if I put it there so I know. Sounds weird but I know his little personality and can tell when he's upset or has gone shy.

I hate to be the dose of reality on this thread but the next couple of weeks are about to be the hardest of your life even if you are in a loving supportive relationship.
You need to stop wallowing and pull yourself together. Milo is going to be here soon and 100% reliant on you. Start putting a plan together of worse case scenario. Even though you are self employed you are entitled to statutory maternity pay and you can seek out what other benefits you are entitled to. Do you have all the basics ready for birth? Is your hospital bag packed? Do you have a plan on how you are going to get to the hospital when your water break etc with no partner?
Id stop engaging in text message conversations with him and tell him he knows where you are if he wants to sit down and have a proper conversation. You need to start communicating properly with each other and not focus on on what's been said in arguments but how this is going to work from now on.

Yes - have bought everything I need for Milo. Have bag ready ans birth plan prepared and can call can to hospital as it is a ten minute drive away. Saved up £4,000 to get me through first few weeks. Just need to sort maternity pay now.

See Lily you can totally do this. I'm sure it's not how you envisaged it happening but that's pretty much the story of my life. If it comes down to it you can be everything Milo needs :)

I hope so. Xx

Whe will be your birth partner ? Please don't say him as he will probably let you down .

Is there a friend you can ask ?

No but I am going to look for a Doula tomorrow. If I can't afford one then I will just have to go it alone.

Totally your choice, Lily, but when I suggested not putting the father on the birth cert I wasn't meaning cutting him out of your son's life at all. Just that he is so unreliable and his mother such a pita that it might make your life easier to have control over contact.

And I am sure there is some way you can make provision to make sure that your son isn't handed over to someone like your father if anything happens to you.

Maybe it's my age but I can't understand the i concept of not putting babies fathers name on the birth cert. What does it achieve ? The question is 'fathers name' - well it's known, so to leave blank seems rather unpleasant for the child. As their life continues and they have occasion to produce their birth cert, I would hate my children to have them with the space blank, like I couldn't remember who I had made a child with !

It does nothing to prevent contact. A father who wants contact can apply for PR and to be added to the birth cert quite easily and certainly no more difficult than applying for a CAO.
If he is a waste of space who can't be bothered with contact, then having his name on the certificate is not going to 'make him' a decent committed father. The courts cannot order a father to see their child.

I think you have to try and be really really practical about what is going on. This baby to be, whilst being a 'happy accident' to you, was by the sounds of it the complete opposite to your partner.

If I was this mans mother, (and family) I would probably feel a bit angry with you - but actually really really angry with my son for not protecting his own fertility. You say you had been together for under a year and didn't live together when you started mentioning children. You are late 30's and worried you may not get a chance for a child. He is 35 and thinking about children 'sometime'. When hey presto a few weeks/months later you are pregnant by accident. His family will automatically assume you have bounced him into parenthood. No one likes choices taken away from them. His fault was not to wear a condom. Your fault was not to wait to have a child until you were in a long term relationship with someone who you knew would be a kind and supportive partner, and at least living with for a couple of years.
You cannot MAKE someone happy and supportive about a pregnancy they didn't plan. I think he is trying to do the right thing but then changes his mind and doesn't see why he should be part of something he didn't choose. -
He was living a single life and met a woman who he started to go out with. You didn't live together and he had his own life. The pregnancy changed all that. He clearly stated that he didn't want children at the moment . He wants to do 'the right thing' whilst not wanting to be in a domestic situation with a baby. Hence the coming and going and going - blowing hot and cold.

Why aren't you going to the in laws with him ?
Have you met his family ? How are they with you.
All of these questions will give you a good idea of how he has 'sold' your relationship to them.

I get the impression that the family are a little way from you and whilst he goes often, you are not invited ?

Hi - haven't read whole thread but wanted to offer some support on being pregnant and alone.

I got pregnant following a v brief relationship with someone. When I told him I was pregnant, he blocked all contact with me. The 7 months of the pregnancy were the hardest of my life (my baby was premature). I was in such a dark place. But it is SO much better now baby is here! Obviously it was a bit different as my baby was in intensive care but being a single mum is so much easier (and accepted socially I guess) than being pregnant and single / alone. I can focus all of my energy on the baby. It is tough doing everything alone but worth it.

Not sure if other posters have said that father will change his mind when baby is born. I was fed up of hearing this. I did contact the father when my baby was born and eventually he has started contact (although not met baby and says ridiculous things like I don't understand the pressure he's under...) so as much as I disagreed with everyone who said he'd come around during pregnancy, in my experience the father will probably have some curiosity about his child when born.

I hope you're okay and have some real life support too X

Guys the father has always said very much that he wanted the baby - from day one. If anything it was me who was unsure whether to keep it at first. Of course I am so glad I did. His mother reacted very badly to the news, screaming about how it would affect her and what it would mean for her. He fell
out with her for a short time because of it. It was bizarre as only three weeks before she'd sat him down and had a 'talk' with him about whether I was the right person for him given my age and the fact that he might never have children with me. She questioned the fx t that I had a career, my age, my heritage. Pretty much everything before even getting to know me properly. Seems I couldn't win either way.
But from what other members of his family have told me she meddles a lot in her children's lives. She broke up his younger sister's relationship and has caused problems for his brother's partner too, who admitted to me that she was 'too interfering'.
I didn't get on with his mum at first - because she'd said such mean things about me. But have since made an effort for my partner's sake and things were going well. She has bought lots of things for the baby and my other half has come to every scan and appointment with me.
He moved in with me (to London) of his own accord three months ago. I told him if he wanted to stay in Middlesex and carry on the relationship that way I'd understand. He didn't want to and said he wanted to be there for me and the baby and that we would have been moving in together by now anyway even if I hadn't fallen pregnant.

I have gone round to see his family now and again and spent my birthday with them. But I have had to work myself to the bone to save money for the baby do didn't have much Fred time in the first few months.
And as I said at the moment, I am four or five weeks away from giving birth. Not only am I heavy but I have rib inflammation (chostocondritis) , morning sickness, and adrenal fatigue. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed and I am in pain so I can't do much any more. I need to rest a lot.
The only issue here is that, while he does want and love the baby (or at least says he does) he doesn't seem to want his life to change in any way. He is already panicking that he won't be able to go off and play football twice a week, or see his family as much. And instead of staying with me during these last stages he spends almost every day going back up to Middlesex to be with his family. It is not only leaving me lonely and having to manage everything on my own, it is making me feel like I and the baby come second every time.
Of course his life has changed. Mine will dramatically. Not only will I have to give up the career I love for a while but a lot of my hobbies like travelling. But I don't care. Because the rewards of seeing Milo cuddle, smile and walk for the first time far outweigh the sacrifices. I would like my partner to feel
the same but he just runs away to his family every day to escape.
I am now just sick and tired of it. He asks me every time whether he should go and I say yes because I feel bad saying no. Plus if I ever complain about the time he spends with them, he tells me to never criticise or talk about his family. So on the one hand he asks if it's okay and blames me if I say it is and then get upset when he keeps doing it, on the other if I say it isn't okay and complain , he tells me to shut it and never to talk about his family!!
And I DON'T mind him seeing them - they are his family and he loves them. But it's all the time. He goes over if his mum
needs help with the shopping, his dad needs help with the car, an Olympic game is on they all want to watch or his sister is feeling down in the dumps or his other sister needs a babysitter. It makes me wonder why on earth he even bothered moving in with me if he hates being here so
much.

Not only should his family realise it is incredibly selfish to constantly ask him to come over there when he has a sick pregnant partner at home who could go into labour at any time, it's cruel towards me. I am left alone here struggling, and can't ask
for help as he always responds by yelling and telling me I am being emotional manipulative.
Although I HAVE told him I need more help and support. I broke down in tears and said it. That day after he buggered off again and returned to Middlesex every day six days in a row. I have even told him he may as well
move back there if he isn't happy here. He always insists he doesn't want to.
And again with regards to his family, any simpleton would surely know they have to let him be there for his OWN family now and not place so many demands and expectations on him. He can't be their 'rock' any more. He has to be his own son's even if he doesn't want to be mine.
More to the point, HE should know this. And I think he does which is why if he always asks me if I am fine with him going. It's guilt. If I say no he doesn't have to feel guilty about letting them down and can blame me for making him not go.
If I say yes he doesn't have to feel guilty about abandoning me and going off to them and can then say I am being emotionally manipulative if it goes in for days on end and I eventually get upset about it.
I get the blame either way so he can absolve himself of the guilt.
There is also the fact that I think he WANTS to go. He is far too co-dependant on them and I don't see how he can ever make a life for himself or build a family of his own if this carries on. It makes me think he doesn't genuinely want to. Otherwise he could just say the magic word to them without even mentioning it to me that they have asked him over yet again - NO.
He could apply for hundreds of jobs in London but just keeps applying for jobs near his family, even though it would mean an hour or more drive there every morning (getting up at 5am) which would not only exhaust him but would be a nightmare with a new baby. Again a sign that he wants to be there not here with us. It also means he now doesn't have a job come September when baby arrives and I won't be able to work any more.
I honestly think he has left for a few days, now not to get some space as he says, but to sit and watch the Olympics in peace with his family. While I sit here on my own getting everything ready to give birth in a month. I have organised hypnobirthing sessions, NCT classes, bought everything myself for the baby (we never even shopped together) and have done all the reading up on birth and babies. He says he has contributed by 'asking' people about parenthood. I am sure that will come in very handy when the baby is crying for no obvious reason at 4am and we don't know why.
So there it all is. The sad sorry facts.

Marilynsbigsister I for one didn't put the father's name on my dd's birth certificate as I didn't trust him. It never meant that my dd didn't know her father or have a relationship with him and his family, while she understands and agrees with my choice.

Yes they can go for PR and a genetic test and the mother could even change her mind if the deadbeat turns out to be a decent co-parent.

Atenco I am genuinely interested and don't mean to sound confrontational ( but sometimes written word doesn't sound the same as spoken) but my question is ,how does not putting his name on the birth certificate assist with a child's father 'you don't trust' ?

Surely parentage is a matter of 'fact' not choice.

I can get my head around making that choice before the days of blood tests/DNA , because then denying paternity could keep him out of your (and Childs) life - but deny the child any possible financial support.
However nowadays with DNA any father wanting to exert paternity claims can do so.
If you are a dead beat un -interested father, then regardless of being on the certificate, you can't be made to parent your child by any court nor would you bother to go to court in order to see your child.

If you are a loving engaged father denied contact by the mother, then it is the work of a couple of forms to be filled in to request paternity testing and contact.

As far as I can see, neither scenario makes a difference to being on the certificate but it does some how make a lie of the actual certificate. Mothers Name .fact Fathers name : fact (exception of blank being for when you honestly don't know ! )

Same goes for the man trying to avoid the certificate in the hope it will mean avoiding maintenance. Women should be able to name the father without marriage or without them being present. If the man doesn't agree he should be able to challenge it by DNA and mother fined if she has lied or him charged for the test and fined if it is true. I believe children have the right to know who their parents are and for this to be legally registered . Not for it to be a matter of choice . It's a fact, in may not be the parent you would choose but nonetheless a fact.

Sorry if you misunderstood, too Marilynsbigsister I am also not being confrontational. Just discussing the matter.

This is, I'm sure offensive to men's rights and I do like men and like good fathers. But it has nothing to do with whether or not a child knows who their father is and does not necessarily have anything to do with whether or not the father and his family have a relationship with the child. Yes, they can get a DNA test and get put on the cert but why make it easy for them, when they have already shown how unreliable they are.

A younger friend of mine also did not put the father on the birth cert as he was violent towards her, but it turns out he is a great father and sees his now three-year-old every day. The mother knows it is in the best interests of the child not to obstruct their relationship and he hasn't asked for a DNA test.

I don't think this is against the child's right to know who their father is because they do not need a piece of paper to tell them but I acknowledge that it is a bit against father's rights.