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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want our baby :(

85 replies

FionaMxx · 27/07/2016 23:12

I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago and my boyfriend was with me as I did the test. I am about 5wks I have worked out. I had barely managed to determine the result when he told me to get an abortion.
Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant when my mum & he pressured me into an abortion and I've regretted it every minute of every day since. I always swore if it happened again I'd keep the baby. My boyfriend and I just had a long chat and he tells me he's just not ready and if we had a baby he would not be able to love it as it would ruin his life (he's a professional sports man and travels a lot) we are both financially stable and do not live together officially yet (he stays at my house every night)

He is so passionate and set in his ways that this is not the right time for him and he does not want this. But it's all I've longed for every day :-(

I know his wants are as important as mine but my heart is breaking.

Can anyone give me some advice?

OP posts:

KittyLaRoux · 28/07/2016 11:27

Well, if my views are misogynistic so be it. If one person gets the choice whether or not they want to be a parent, the other should to. Equality and all that.

He did have a choice. He chose not to use a condom. The OP took charge of her contreception it is the mans job to take care of his contreception.

Maybebabybee · 28/07/2016 11:28

Equality doesn't come into it liz.

It's the woman who has to go through the physical and emotional trauma of an abortion. Or indeed the physical and emotional trauma of pregnancy and labour.

The man's wants at that point don't enter into it. If he's totally against having kids he should have worn a condom.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2016 11:34

Don't let him talk you into an abortion if you don't want to do this. He sounds very selfish and self-centred. Under the law he will be obliged to give financial assistance and so he should. But you can't force him to want to be part of the child's life. He sounds pretty horrible and unsupportive IMHO.

Original poster

FionaMxx · 28/07/2016 12:31

Thank you everyone. If he doesn't want to be part of it then I can respect that, and I wouldn't even force financial contribution. I have a good job and a network marketing business on the side which gives me enough of an income to be able to quit my normal job if I chose to. Finances aren't really an issue, I just feel so let down that after a total of 4 years together he doesn't want to be supportive.

OP posts:

Sofie88 · 28/07/2016 12:39

I was in your position when pregnant with my little one. My OH said in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ready (we'd been trying) and to get an abortion.
I was adamant I couldn't go through with abortion and would never consider it (my personal opinion, I don't judge anyone who thinks different)
He made me choose, and I chose my baby. I left him and moved in to my mums.
Did everything by myself until around 15 weeks he was 'sorry' etc. Gave him a chance and he was there for the birth and couldn't get rid of him. By this point I'd moved in to my own place and it wasn't until DS was a year old that I let him move in - he had to prove himself.
I hope your OH does come round, in the mean time have more faith in yourself.
Hugs as I know it is a shit situation and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

Lweji · 28/07/2016 13:57

I suspect that you start looking back at your relationship you'll figure out that he wasn't supportive in other areas too.
And use that experience to weed out any future twats.

AyeAmarok · 28/07/2016 17:26

I wouldn't even force financial contribution.

Don't do this.

Whether you need the money or not isn't the issue. I child has a legal right to be financially supported by both the parents who chose to create it (which he did by not using a condom).

If you don't need the money, save it for a time when you do. And if you never do, great! Then your DC will have a nice deposit for a house/car/starting a business, in lieu of having a father. It's not great compensation for having a selfish, irresponsible twat of a father, but it's something.

Mamatallica · 28/07/2016 17:27

It's worth considering how the child would be affected if you did go ahead with the pregnancy, my friend found out recently that the reason her dad has always been pretty distant and not around as much as she wanted was because he never wanted her in the first place. As a result, she now resents her mum for forcing the situation. It's difficult for everyone involved, I wish you luck in whatever you decide OP.

condaleeza · 28/07/2016 17:35

You sound immature and foolish. First, for not using any contraception at all (just WHY?!!) and then for deliberately taking the pill at random times, in other words deliberately risking pregnancy when you knew your DP did not want children at his stage. If you decide to continue the pregnancy you have at least 18 years ahead of dealing with a reluctant father over financial support and access. IMO you are making unwise choices that could have damaging lasting effects on your life and the child's if you continue.

Thomasisintraining · 28/07/2016 17:35

Mama I have a friend, and I am not condoning this perspective, who is utterly vehemently against abortion because she was given up for adoption at birth and she reckons if abortion had been allowed (non UK it was not) when she was conceived she would never have been born. It is simply not even remotely possible to second guess how the baby will feel about this in 20 years, 49 years or ever. All the OP can go on is what is the best thing for her to do given her circumstances.

sj257 · 28/07/2016 17:44

What pill were you on OP? Some allow a window of a few hours difference.

I honestly can't believe some people think that it's OK for him not to be involved, even if it is just financially. Grown ups know that every time they have sex there's a risk of pregnancy, contraception or not.

As someone whose dad was an idiot, and never paid a penny towards my upbringing, I was resentful every day towards him for the struggles my mum had to go through. When I met him for the first time at the age of 24, and was in contact with him for a year i realised I had had a lucky escape.

I would say you need to do this alone OP, if you keep the baby. You don't want him being resentful towards either of you.

ChicRock · 28/07/2016 17:47

Ditch him.

Keep the baby.

Wrap your head around the fact that you'll most likely be raising the child on your own.

Soer out contraception, quite honestly only a complete dimwit will believe your "I naively thought nothing of it" with regards to him not pulling out and your "I didn't realise" about not taking your pill properly. Those are the excuses of a young teenager, not a grown woman of 21.

AddToBasket · 28/07/2016 17:47

You must put his name on the birth certificate. Make sure you give the baby YOUR surname. So important, whatever he says .

Mamatallica · 28/07/2016 17:58

Thomasisintraining, I'm not saying the child would be resentful, just that it's worth considering how the child might feel. Adoption is different, my husband was also adopted at birth and as a result was raised by two parents who both wanted and loved him. The issue with my friend is that she always felt like she wasn't good enough because her dad wasn't that interested, it's made her quite needy with men in adult life and she's never managed a good relationship so far which is a shame because she's lovely.
This is a personal decision for the OP at the end of the day and not an easy one, I respect that.

straightouttacompton · 28/07/2016 18:01

He should have not had sex or should have worn a condom and is absolutely financially responsible for the child he created even if he didn't want to be a Dad.

But you also need in the future to take better responsibility for contraception and use it as it is meant to be used. I'm not saying you've deliberately got pregnant but you say it's what you've 'longed for' and I've known many women who knew their partner didn't want a baby but 'didn't know they needed to take the pill consistently/forgot to take it/had a tummy bug' and ...pregnancy.

Don't rely on the pill if you're unsure how it works. Make sure you understand when you need to take it, take it as prescribed, make sure other medication won't affect it, take additional precautions if you've been vomiting or had diarrhoea.

Thomasisintraining · 28/07/2016 18:01

My point Mama though is that she has no clue how the child will feel so dwelling on that is probably not going to be constructive right now.

PurpleDaisies · 28/07/2016 18:05

I totally agree with thomas. Is have thought it's far more common for children born to mums where the father didn't want to be involved to resent the father, not the mother for not aborting them.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/07/2016 18:09

If she can make the choice to abort or keep the child, he should be able to abort his financial responsibility for a child he didn't want. Fair's fair.

Fair's fair??? So there are two classes of children in UK society. Those whose fathers wanted them - those ones get additional financial support from their fathers, even in the event of a split. But those babies whose fathers didn't want them. Well they don't get that financial support, even if they need it, because, well they should have thought it through before getting themselves conceived shouldn't they. Fair's fair.

hownottofuckup · 28/07/2016 18:11

I ended up pregnant despite using condoms & MAP. It definitely wasn't my choice to become pregnant, the father got quite nasty trying to make me abort.
I didn't, I didn't want an abortion. For me that would have had a very negative impact on my MH.
So happy I had the baby. Me and the DF are not together, he doesn't financially contribute, he is still angry with me about it. But despite all that he does love the child and we manage to get along well for the DC's sake too.
I'd say dump the boy and keep the baby, being forced to have a second abortion you don't want will not do you or your relationship any good.
Either way, best of luck

NameChange30 · 28/07/2016 18:15

Bloody hell, he sounds like an absolutely shit boyfriend.

If he didn't want to father a child, he should have insisted on using contraception from the start. The "pull out method" is not contraception.

The law says that parents are financially responsible for their children. This includes men who have unprotected sex and do not want to father a child. If a child is the consequence they have to provide for it. Misogynists People can object all they want to the idea that abortion is a woman's choice (her body, her choice) and a man has no say. But that's what biology dictates. Men have a choice about whether or not to have unprotected sex. If they don't want to father a child, they use contraception. End of.

OP, I suggest that you make this decision yourself about whether to continue with this pregnancy. Consider the probability that he will not be involved at all. Get specialist counselling (you can ask your GP or a reputable clinic such as BPAS or Marie Stopes) if you would like to talk over your decision with someone impartial. However, if you do decide to keep the baby, you can and should claim child maintenance from your boyfriend. The baby has a legal right to that money. If you don't think you need it, put it into a savings account for the child - for driving lessons, university, a flat deposit, anything!

And please please reconsider your relationship with this awful man.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/07/2016 18:16

I've never had an abortion, but I did fall pregnant on the pill- so I can completely sympathise with your shock.

Do not abort if you do not want to. It is your choice. I would start making a plan about how you will manage as a single mum, as you really do not 'need' him to have this baby, it is sad that he doesn't want to even discuss this with you (blurting 'have an abortion' before you've even calculated your missed period is cruel) but that future for you and your child will far outweigh that.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 28/07/2016 18:30

I wonder if he feels tricked into it, you say it's all you've longed for everyday and then didn't bother to take the contraception properly.

You do sound very young, sex with no protection, believing at 21 the job and relationship are secure.

Choosing to go ahead with a reluctant partner can have a devasting effect on the child.

NameChange30 · 28/07/2016 18:36

AddToBasket
"You must put his name on the birth certificate."
Did you mean You must not put his name on the birth certificate??

If the OP continues with the pregnancy I don't think she should put his name on the birth certificate. If he changes his mind and wants to be involved (unlikely but possible I suppose) he can always apply for parental rights. But a man who has already pressured his girlfriend into one abortion and is now pressuring her to get another does not deserve to be on the birth certificate (let alone give the child his surname! You are completely right in that the child should have the mother's surname.)

Oh and FYI, OP, if the father isn't on the birth certificate you can still get him to pay child maintenance. (It's a common misconception that the father has to be on the BC to be held financially responsible - but it's not the case.)

PurpleDaisies · 28/07/2016 18:54

Choosing to go ahead with a reluctant partner can have a devastating effect on the child.

Oh come on now. Devastating? Plenty of children grow up to be happy, well adjusted adults without a father in the picture.

Obviously the ideal is that both parents want the baby and it's conceived on purpose but there literally hundreds of children born outside those circumstances who do just fine. The key thing is that the op wants to be a mother and is emotionally and financially able to do it on her own. It sounds like she can't rely on her partner for anything.

Bloopbleep · 28/07/2016 19:07

OP It's your body & your decision, not your BF's and not your mum's.

As for the bullshit on this threat that he should be able to walk away? He should've done that at the point of penetration if he was that worried about the consequences. I hate how the woman is made to feel like she alone is causing him difficulty in his life by not doing as he wishes. What fucking century are we in? It takes two to tango, OP believed her contraception would work but he should've taken precautions himself if he was that worried.

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