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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want our baby :(

85 replies

FionaMxx · 27/07/2016 23:12

I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago and my boyfriend was with me as I did the test. I am about 5wks I have worked out. I had barely managed to determine the result when he told me to get an abortion.
Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant when my mum & he pressured me into an abortion and I've regretted it every minute of every day since. I always swore if it happened again I'd keep the baby. My boyfriend and I just had a long chat and he tells me he's just not ready and if we had a baby he would not be able to love it as it would ruin his life (he's a professional sports man and travels a lot) we are both financially stable and do not live together officially yet (he stays at my house every night)

He is so passionate and set in his ways that this is not the right time for him and he does not want this. But it's all I've longed for every day :-(

I know his wants are as important as mine but my heart is breaking.

Can anyone give me some advice?

OP posts:

Liz09 · 28/07/2016 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AyeAmarok · 28/07/2016 07:30

OP is well within her rights to choose to keep the baby, but she has to accept that he may choose not to be involved and he should be afforded that right.

No, he can decide not to be an active parent in the child's life, if he's a total scumbag. He can't choose not to be financially responsible, nor should he be able to. He already made his choice when he decided not to use contraception.

And no I won't "chill out", people like you are the reason so many children grow up in poverty.

Liz09 · 28/07/2016 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kittybiscuits · 28/07/2016 07:32

Reported

Liz09 · 28/07/2016 07:34

Kitty, are you saying you've reported me or you've reported the thread?

DixieNormas · 28/07/2016 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvangelineP · 28/07/2016 07:47

The law will dictate that he support the child even if he doesn't want it but I suppose I'd consider if that is the best way to bring a child into the world?

Can you support yourself op? Do you have resources emotionally and financially to give the baby a good start? The women I know
Who have tried to get support from a man who actively doesn't want his child have had nothing but drama and years of grief and aggrevation. Personally I would never sign up myself or my child for that life.

maxisinapaddy · 28/07/2016 08:29

It sounds like you want the baby.....it's hard, really hard but can definitely be done and be a good thing do you have family around to support you? You will need some level of support emotionally and physically.

I am going to throw something in for you to think about.....I would not put his name on the birth certificate...he has stated he does not want the baby, so I would not give him parental rights...if you spilt up and he later on down the line wants contact you will have to deal with the fall out, access, shared parenting it could get really messy. He could still apply for parental rights even if he is not on the birth cert but it would make things harder for him.

You need to speak to him and tell him where your head is regarding the baby and ask if he will support you financially ..... His answer will impact the decision re the birth cert. if he doesn't want to support the baby money wise you will find it almost impossible to make him...which is why I would take away his parental rights so he can't mess things up for you later on down the line.

So sorry you are going through this.....its cards on the table time... You both need to try and have a very honest conversation talking though the possible consequences/outcomes.

Good luck OP

Liz09 · 28/07/2016 08:33

I do agree with max in that if he isn't willing to be involved financially or otherwise, he shouldn't be on the birth certificate. It may save you a world of trouble down the line.

CPtart · 28/07/2016 08:57

If he didn't want a child he should have been wearing a condom. Never mind the woman might not like it, or she might persuade him not to, He chose to play with fire (twice) and got burnt (twice!). He'll already get off lightly (unlikely to have the child 50% time if they split), she will save him thousands and thousands in childcare as a single parent, therefore he has absolutely no say going forward as to whether she has an abortion or not.
OP has learnt two things. She needs to sort out reliable long term contraception with no room for user error, and that this man's attitude has shown he is not the one for her.
Choices and consequences.

TheoriginalLEM · 28/07/2016 09:11

Abortion is not contraception and for many women not an option. So yes he is absolutely responsible.

Lweji · 28/07/2016 09:15

Regardless of what you do in relation to the baby, ditch the bastard. He's pressuring you to two abortions, he hasn't been responsible for his own reproduction. Why didn't he wear a condom, but thinks it's ok to make you have an abortion?
Dump him now.

Then decide what to do about the pregnancy. On your own, without pressure.

And, be more careful about contraception in future.

dottydee3 · 28/07/2016 09:20

What Lweji said

passmethewineplease · 28/07/2016 09:27

He sounds lovely OP!

I can't believe people believe that if OP has the baby he has every right to not acknowledge the child be it financially or emotionally. Sorry only utter bastards do that!

Also, presently the law states that he'd be financially responsible at the least!

Doesn't matter if he wanted a baby or not.

OP you don't sound as if you want to abort. So please don't. Yes it may mean the end of your relationship but TBH could you stay in the relationship anyway if he's pressuring you to abort.

Also for someone who is so against the idea of a baby why on earth didn't he wear a condom?

Thomasisintraining · 28/07/2016 09:27

I agree with Lweji ditch him and have the baby.

Liz men have their last say in whether they risk becoming a parent just before they ejaculate. They do not get to force an abortion and they do not get the right to not take responsibility for babies they helped create. Your views on his right to walk away after the pregnancy has happened are totally misogynistic.

imwithspud · 28/07/2016 09:32

If he's so against having a child, he should have taken responsibility for his own fertility and used contraception in the first place. Even more so since this has happened before. Doesn't matter if the woman doesn't like condoms, it would be perfectly reasonable and sensible to insist on condoms or no sex. Unless of course getting your rocks off is more important than the running the risk of the woman getting pregnant.

Op it sounds like you already know what you want. Are you prepared to go it alone? Because it doesn't sound like this guy will be a very good parent or partner.

Liz09 · 28/07/2016 09:43

Well, if my views are misogynistic so be it. If one person gets the choice whether or not they want to be a parent, the other should to. Equality and all that.

NeedACleverNN · 28/07/2016 09:49

If he didn't want to have a baby, he shouldn't have had sex.

Simple.

No contraceptive is 100% effective. Therefore you have to think before sex everytime, "would I raise a baby if the contraceptive failed". If the answer is no, you don't do it. Simple.

OP don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Leave him but do go for child support.

Whether he likes it or not, it is his baby, he chose to have sex, he has financial responsibility

imwithspud · 28/07/2016 09:49

But he did get the choice, he had the choice before sticking his wang into her fanjo whether to use a condom or not. He chose not to and surprise surprise now there's a baby.

Not sure why so many men are surprised when their partners get pregnant after having unprotected sex, it's hardly a new phenomenon.

Original poster

FionaMxx · 28/07/2016 10:32

Thank you everyone. I'm 21 and have a good stable job where I work from home. The first time I was not on contraception and he chose not to "pull out" on that occasion and I naively thought nothing of it. The reason he and my mum wanted me to abort was because our relationship had just rebegun after some time apart, and he wanted to build on us before bringing in a child. Even though it's NOT what I wanted to do and I made that very clear to him I respected his wishes and with regret terminated the pregnancy. At no point did he ever say "I never want children".
This time I WAS on contraception but as I said earlier hadn't been taking my pill the same time every single day, which I didn't realise had a major affect. So it's not a case where I've deliberately went out my way to get pregnant against his wishes, ideally I'd be married with a mortgage before having children but it's happened and I don't believe abortions should be used as contraception nor do I think I could handle the regret.

I guess I was looking for people who had a similar situation to tell me their experiences. Not so much to be judged by certain users but hey ho that's what happens when you open your heart on the Internet

OP posts:

mydietstartsmonday · 28/07/2016 10:35

Keep the baby, get rid of him.

Thomasisintraining · 28/07/2016 10:36

The choice Liz is not to have sex.

A man forcing an abortion is abhorrent and that is what you are proposing with your perspective. Unless of course you think it should be benefits that pay for the child born in your scenario.

stitchglitched · 28/07/2016 10:48

Liz you are saying that a man's right to have consequence free sex is more important than a child's right to be supported. That's disgusting.

Due to biology the choices men and women have are slightly different. Men's choices occur at the time of conception because that is the part they physically play. Women have extra choices such as abortion because of their physical role, but it isn't a reset button and not an option at all for some women. Nothing about biology is ever going to be able to be completely 'fair' between the sexes but you can rest assured that the burden of unfairness falls far more upon women when it comes to parenthood than men.

mikesh909 · 28/07/2016 10:51

Sorry you've felt judged by some posters here. There has also been some good advice though.

I just wanted to say that I understand where you're at - I'm halfway through a pregnancy that began under similar circumstances. It was a huge shock to both of us when we found out but things have got better. Even though this was not the timing we planned, I could not terminate a child that at some point I would have wanted.

Admittedly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is lining up for a future father of the year award, what with pressurising you into a termination but as others have said it is your body and your decision. He may come around to the idea and find a way to be supportive or he may not. Either way you can do this if you want to! Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

Lweji · 28/07/2016 11:24

Liz
The baby is already there. He could have chosen to be extra careful before it happened.
Now, it's the mother's decision. 100%. She could decide to take his opinion or the fact that she won't support her in having a baby to finally decide.
But it's still 100% her decision to go ahead or not.
It's so legally and that's how it should be.

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