3 months pregnant and just read the AIBU post about downsides of parenting... what's the best stuff?!

[GingerIdiot]

Hello all,

I just read the really interesting thread here that PhoebeGeebee posted: AIBU To ask what makes being a parent so hard?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2685737-To-ask-what-makes-being-a-parent-so-hard?pg=1

The answers are very useful to read - some stuff I had anticipated (sleep deprivation, toddler years, relentlessness of parenting, lack of money, free time etc). I'm glad to know all that stuff, I don't want to go in blind, but oh god this thread has terrified me!!

I don't want to be an ostrich about it all, I know it's going to be difficult, and I don't want to undermine all the honest answers that were given, but for the sake of some more lighthearted balance, could some parents tell me some of the good stuff too?

A lot of the posts ended with a positive tone - after listing all the difficulties that lay ahead, they often say about it being the best thing you'll ever do .... but why, specifically? Just general overriding love?

DS is 2.9. He's not a cuddly child but if he wants a cuddle he will settle in and in that ten seconds his hear rate slows and I can feel him relax. Ten seconds with mummy is all it takes.

He is hilarious and they pick on funny little turns of phrase. If he's enjoying something he turns to me and says "I think this is the life, Mummy!"

The sheer joy that they find in things (even toilet humour) is infectious.

Yes the lows can be very low, but the highs are so, so high and often from completely unexpected directions.

It's love of an intensity and on a scale you've never experienced before - fierce, white hot and absolutely primitive.

I thought I wasn't really a baby person and I'd just have to grit my teeth and get through it but honestly, from the moment they're born, they're awesome. Such personality and so funny. It's just the best thing I've ever done and I wish I'd done it sooner!

The realisation that you are no longer no1 in your own life can be at the same time the best and the most challenging/difficult thing. I find it quite liberating (and sometimes like being held hostage, but never mind that now).
How funny they are.
How darn cute they are.
The smell of their hair and skin (mine: fudge) and breath (mine: fresh green apples).
The satisfaction of seeing them happy & healthy (and of course the opposite: total heartbreak when they're not).
How much they give you back (when they get to an age where you do get a bit back of what you put in).

I have teenagers now and there was a really good thread on here about the joys of having a teenager too as all you tend to hear about are the bad things.

I was dreading the teenager phase and although its true that as they get bigger their problems do too but I have found this the most enjoyable stage yet. You really see the people they are becoming, and they demonstrate that they love you in much more understated ways but it means a lot when it happens. The late night chats putting the world to rights, finding out that they know a lot more than you about certain issues, when you see them being polite to other adults, having their friends in the house, when my 15 year old happily spends the day with his gran. When they are unexpectedly thoughtful or kind you realise that it's all been worth it.

When she starts sleeping through and you have the energy to stay awake and watch her. When she starts developing her own personality and she's like you new bff

The awesome SO outweighs the crap.

You get this little person who loves YOU unconditionally. A little person who you love more than you ever thought possible. The cuddles, the kisses, the needing you. You will never love as much or be loved as much. It's a very beautiful.

Look, you are bringing new people into your life. you love your partner but is he an endless source of joy? Of course not. He's a complex individual but he adds another dimension to your life; your children are the same, better really. They add richness and depth and such interest to your life. A wider view of the world. You have the privilege of watching a human person unfold before you. There is nothing like it.

My 2.5 yo dd is without a doubt the funniest and cutest little person I have ever ever met. She has us laughing out loud every single day. She comes out with the funniest things and we never know what she's going to say or so next. I basically just love being with her. So all the talk of relentlessness - well yes it's true to an extent but most of the time if I have the option of getting a babysitter or taking her with us we take her with us simply because she's fun to be with!

I have never known an intense love like it or had an urge to protect someone so much and it's wonderful. She gives the best cuddles and kisses and she lights up when she sees me which is nice (I know she won't always!!)

I'm due my second very soon, so clearly I love it way more than any downsides!

I was never particularly maternal and had very little interest in or affection for children until DS was born. I was one of those smug people who said things like "I've never had a child but I'm not an idiot, I can imagine what it's like to love your own child without having one myself"...HA! It blows everything else out of the water. It's like a drug. I can't get enough of my boy. It's intoxicating and all consuming; I think about him every second, when I'm not with him it's like a chunk of my soul is missing. I love my husband dearly, but having a child is proper next-level stuff.

(Also to add, I didn't feel that way the very instant he was born. It took a few months, and that is OK. Not everyone falls in love with their baby immediately, but when you do, you fall HARD!)

Oh god I've just cried proper buckets at this. 8 week pregnancy hormones with my first, i also read that thread (i knew it was a bad idea) but ive gone between apathy, terror and "what the fuck are we doing". So thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone whose posted on this thread. I feel a little bit less terrified about how my life is going to change now you lovely lovely posters.

I posted on that other thread and along with the negatives I explained the joy I feel every day now. Even the bad days always have this background lovely feeling. My dd is wonderful, amazing, she's learning every day and has taught me many things, including patience. Watching them try and try to do something and then the exilleration on their little faces when they manage it and their determination to keep at it!

My dd has just, at 18 months, started sleeping 11 hours straight most days. And I actually miss getting up in the night. I don't miss the bad sleep nights! But going into her once when she was awake and sleeping and giving her some milk and tucking her back into bed was such a lovely feeling. It was quiet and this special moment in the middle of the night that was just for us.

You will have bad days with children and I imagine there's many more to come as my dd grows up. But then you see a thread like this and you instantly think of a whole list of the best things about having children! They are totally worth it!

I'm also 8 weeks with my first and I'm trying to hold back tears so DH doesn't think I've gone mad! This thread is so lovely and everything I've dreamed of after struggling with infertility for years.

I think for me, it's like acquiring another limb, only a really special limb that you never had a use for before, but now it's the best part of your body and you love to look at it and spend time with it, and you'd worry about whether it's ok if you left it for too long. It's become actually more vital than any other part of your body and you didn't know you'd ever need such a new and lovely limb.

DS1 is 2.6 and DS2 is 11 weeks - my boys are my whole life at the moment.

Watching DS1 run along a path and shouting 'come on, mum!' So you skip gleefully along and its perfectable acceptable!
Hearing DS1 explain the world around him. He explained to me today, very earnestly, what the bird scarer noise was (after asking his dad when he's heard it earlier)
Seeing them asleep and realising that they are so tiny, so vulnerable, so innocent and pure. Even during DS's worst tantrums there's absolutely no maliciousness in him.

Sometimes how much you love them literally makes you gasp and takes your breath away. In those moments you vow to be the best person you can be for them. (Even if we lose our shit sometimes)
Reading them stories
Their quirkiness - if DS1 is offered a book or sweetie, quite often he'll say that he already has one - can't deny the logic!
The smiles when they see you. I'm a sahm and at a weekend I sometimes get to "lie in" til 7.45ish - when I come down for breakfast they are so delighted to see me.

The positives are endless. It's easy to get bogged down in the grind and worry and negatives but if you're feeling like that grab your child and get outside. Within minutes you'll be admiring a stone or holding a stick or leaf and you realise what life is all about.

I don't normally do the soppy, normally more along the mum blogs about the juggling and chaos and constant drudge, questions and no time alone.

All of the above is true, you will do more domestic cleaning/drudge than you ever thought possible, you will become a short order chef, if you work you will have three jobs (children, actual job and childcare organisation/firefighting) and feel like you are crap at them all.

It is a bit crap really but it is totally outweighed by moments that shine through.

As little babies - any feed that goes nicely, holding them sleeping. Drink it in and don't forget it.

As older babies - those cuddly rolls of fat, the bug gummy smiles, the endless discovery about themselves and the world. The constant companionship you start to discover they bring you at this age.

As toddlers - how proud they are when they achieve something, the way they discover how to show affection towards you. The delight when something is funny and you laugh together. How everything new seems magical.

As pre-schoolers - they start to seem wise suddenly, like they have something to tell and show you. They are funny and the companionship starts to turn into proper company. They will vocalise and draw affection. 'I love you Mummy' are magical words.

Infant school - They are starting to find themselves in their own little world, make friendships, learn, prefer things, chose things, decide things. They are emerging. They still think the best thing ever is a day with you.

Still waiting for junior school and secondary school as eldest is 6.

If you can have lots of them, watching them interact together is the most incredible thing.

The above is more magical than anything you can imagine. It does not make clearing up a plate of pasta and sauce from the floor any less swear inducing however.

I distinctly remember a time a couple of years ago. I'd bought a new dress for an interview for a job and was unsuccessful. I was having an awful time at work and returned home after finding out I was unsuccessful, having cried for much of the way home. As soon as I walked through the door, ds, who was about 3.5yo at the time exclaimed: "Mummy, you look beautiful! You're the loveliest lady in the world!" Absolutely no prompting whatsoever. You see, when you have children they have this ability to make you smile on the darkest of days. In that instant, nothing else in the world mattered - my ds thought I was the best in the world and that was all that counted. My awful day was forgotten. He put everything into perspective for me then and continues to do so every day. Nothing matters as much as the love you have and share with your family.

You won't get as much traffic in here because most posters past the pregnancy stage hide this section, but I saw it come up in discussions of the day.

There are good bits and hard bits of every stage.

For me:

Pregnancy - was wonderful, I loved feeling my baby move inside me, the feeling of totally supporting them, having them there all the time.

Newborn - the raw feeling of being able to do anything after giving birth. This little perfect creature who you just want to stare at all the time and take 1000 photos. Also in hindsight, this is the bit I can do totally on instinct with nothing getting in the way. I adore newborns.

First year or so - is magical because they just change so fast, every day they do something new and you can't keep up with it. I love watching them explore the world and try to work things out.

1-3 years - I just love love love this stage. They are adorably sweet. They haven't yet learned serious rebellion. You can make them smile really easily. They are interested in everything and so, so funny and adorable.

3-5 years - They are beginning to emerge as actual "people". I did find this stage the hardest so far but there are definite positives too. They are learning so much (watching them learn and work things out is one of my absolute favourite parenting things). They are still somewhat portable. They start nursery/school so you get a bit of a break and also - again one you see only in hindsight - it's when you really start to let the rest of the world in, and/or often when you have a second child, so you start to realise that in fact a lot of how they are is just how they are - you don't have as much control over them as you thought and that the small decisions you make which seemed huge (FF vs BF, whether to let them wear clothing with logos, what exact wording you use when speaking to them, etc) - just are NOT that big. So parenting becomes much more pleasant because you worry less about whether you're getting it wrong and just start to do what works.

6-7 years - one of my favourites so far. They suddenly become a lot more reasonable and much more independent so you get a lot of your "self" back especially when your youngest is in this stage. Their interests begin to align more with adult ones so you can actually do things together which you both are enthusiastic about rather than either you pretending you really love Thomas the Tank Engine or you trying desperately to make some adult interest child friendly. That's really all that I have - I don't have any hindsight for this stage because I'm still in it.

Parenting is amazing because

• breastfeeding is magic
• maternity gives me a right not to work
• having coffee with friends is much nicer than working
• babies are cute
• I'll never feel lonely again
• lots of attention when you have a newborn
• I get to do things my way
• sharing love and ideals with my partner
• baby and toddler smiles
• making new friends
• watching a child discover new things, like how to crawl
• feeling needed
• soft skin
• a feeling of accomplishment in just keeping the house tidy

Really, I love it all. I have 2 and can't wait to have a third. Babies are gorgeous and toddlers are incredible little sponges, full of fun and humour. I laugh and smile 100 times a day.

GingerIdiot

Darling, it's scary and turns your life upside down - nothing can prepare you for it or the exhaustion these little things bring with them.

BUT I love my baby more than anyone or anything I have ever loved in my life - that feeling when they make you proud or make you laugh and smile is better than any feeling on the planet.

Of course it's important to talk about the downsides, but really even though a teenager or a toddler's tantrums can be soul destroying I would not change a single thing.

It is not for everyone, but as far as I am concerned it has been the best and most fulfilling emotional rollercoaster ride ever.

Cornishgloss,

I am so delighted to read this that you wrote; " I laugh and smile 100 times a day"... that is so true. One day my son and I heard on the news that some people only laugh 3 times a week and we looked at each other and said 'we laugh at least that much every hour!'.

If I am ever sad or worried there is something about hugging my little one and sniffing his hair (I am not sure if I am weird) that I know fills my body with happiness and contentment. That feeling when your body knows they are safe and well is incomparable.

Something else besides the obvious kisses, cuddles, and I love yous, that I really like is the comfort I can give to her, it's such a peaceful feeling. When she is hurt or scared and turns to me and nothing more than sitting in my arms helps to calm her down. When she was a baby in the evening, I use to open the curtains and walk up and down the lounge with her cuddled in the sling and sing endless songs to her, waiting for her Dad to get home from work. It was so peaceful.

The silliness of being a parent and realizing how bizarre it is, for example whenever my DD does a poo, she quickly closes the lid to her potty and then we all gather around excitedly for the big reveal, with much praise, plenty of hugs and high fives for what an excellent poo she did. I can't imagine another time, other than with a child where this would be acceptable.