Exec/professional women - dealing with pregnancy

[careersuicide]

Hi - name changer here, moving over from the conception board!

Am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first. Having got safely through the 12w scan etc I am now starting to think about how to manage all this pregnancy and baby business.

I currently run a division of a medium size (£1bn revenue) business. I sit on the board and have around 2000 people sitting under me in the structure across 12 countries. We're doing a full turnaround of the business so every day is v high pressured and I am under the cosh to deliver a huge amount v quickly.

I don't know many other women in similar situations so am turning to MN for some advice and general chitchat!

I have had an extremely rough first trimester, lots of vomiting and dizziness. Managed to get though it just taking a couple of wfh days - all my team probably think I'm really lazy but I just have needed to juggle stuff around and ease off a bit. Felt mildly better from 10-14w but now my vomiting and dizziness is back and I feel like crying. I have urgent deadlines - I have a business that I'm in the midst of turning around and everything is urgent and I haven't yet built the team to delegate to. It's not a matter of "being signed off" (I control my own schedule), more how to manage it as a practical matter.

Also wondering if people had thoughts on how long to take for maternity leave. My due date is mid Dec and q1/h1 of 2017 is a v important time for me worldwise. Am debating whether to take 3 months off (best for business) or 6 months (best for me). Employer is likely to be totally unhelpful & unsupportive - I am the only female exec on the board and it's a v male industry.

Any general words of wisdom are much appreciated!

OP, I don't have much too add about career advice, but did want to suggest that you pop over to the hyperemesis support board on here, run by the wonderful LucindaE (even if you're not sure it's 'officially' hyperemesis). The board got me through 2 hyperemesis pregnancies, and they have loads of knowledge about pregnancy sickness treatments, and everyone is so supportive. You don't say what anti-emetics you're on, but there are lots of options to try until you find one that works for you.
There are also lots of tips on the Pregnancy Sickness Support website, include advice for employees and employers. Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy.

The one thing I didn't anticipate was how different I felt after having my son. I went back at 10 months and it was the right time for me and son but I missed a lot whilst I was gone. People have expected me to operate the same way I did before I had a baby and it has been a education for us all that I can't I am really clear about what and when I can work. For example. I always leave at 16:30 to do the nursery pick up. I do my calls in the car and then I pick up messages and do my e-mails once he is bed. I do not apologise for it or make excuses - I want to spend time with my son and I want to do a good job. I share the care with my partner who also holds a senior position and we take it in turns.

My top tips:

Take good care of yourself - if you run yourself into the ground people will judge you on your performance regardless. Your unborn child is more important that any target. I hate to say it but try to behave like a man and put yourself first. Delegate, Delegate and delegate to your team - you do not need to do it all yourself.
Take the full 6 months but dip in/out during those six months so you stay close to the business. When you are back they will expect you to back full on and at 3 months sleep/feeding is unlikely to be established.
Get as much domestic support as you can - cleaner/Gardner/home help to do shopping a bit of cooking etc.
What childcare are you planning nursery/nanny/aupair?
Be prepared to feel differently about work when you clap eyes on your little one - it took me completely by surprise.

Congratulations.

OP i'll be back with more later, but my first piece of advice is:

Get yourself a lawyer now. Find someone knowledgeable of your industry, UK maternity leave rights, US culture, with experience of negotiation and litigation. Have a chat with them about your rights and their experience of how these things go. Pay them an hours fee for that. Then keep them on speed dial.

here's why: I have three friends who work in finance that have had babies. Of these:

• two were fired while on maternity leave.

the first (hedge fund manager) boss put his head in his hands and proclaimed 'oh fuck' when she told him she was pregnant. She negoiatied with a lawyer, was prepared to go to tribunal and got a decent negotiated settlement and has walked away for the time being, as she's had several more babies in quick succession. the second was relatively new in a job. Her whole team got fired while she was off. Muddied the waters, but after a long negotaitation which covered her time off, she has now gone back to a new job when her baby was 18 months. So a decent outcome.

• the third (broker) I know less well, so don't know how pregnancy and maternity leave panned out. But she went back and stuck it out with nannies on rotation for a couple of years. Decided she wanted to be a better parent than that and asked for part time. her immediate boss, and his, were supportive as she was good. request went all the way up to the head of division, who refused on the basis that he 'didn't want to set a precedent'. She left. When she told me this story she said she'd been out for 6 months now, was considering her next moves but for the time being was enjoying getting to know her daughter.

I don't work in that world. But when I was pregnant, I was running a spin off start up to a larger marketing agency. It was struggling (flawed model, as I had pointed out at interview with some basic cash flow projections, they told me they knew better). They were blaming me and looking for an out, so my terms had already shifted to consultant, so day rate but still on payroll (as its illegal to turn a permanent employee into a freelancer).

The agency had form for sacking people on any pretext. So I found a lawyer and got advice before I told work I told them pregnant. I knew I was entitled to maternity pay, and on what basis it was calculated (average days worked over defined weeks of your pregnancy) those weeks had passed before I told them at 25 weeks. So the calculation was set, with no chance of them preventing / manipulating me working. They paid up the maternity pay I was entitled to, which was more or less the same as if I'd been a full time employee. It was a none event, but I think that came about because I couched my communications in confident terms which made it clear I knew and understood the legal position.

Get a lawyer. If it works out well, you've paid a few hundred pounds for piece of mind. If, as is more likely you get fired on a pretext, or managed out, you are well placed to deal with it.

I think the longer you take off the less you'll want to go back or feel the same about your career. I speak from experience of nannying and maternity nursing. Mothers who literally drop the baby and carry on working seem to keep going professionally as if nothing happened. Those that take a year or so seem to be more likely to completely reevaluate what brings them satisfaction in life. It's obvious really, but if you absolutely want to keep going in your career, take as little time off as possible.

Ffitz I'm not sure I agree. This pre-conception is one reason why it's so difficult for mothers to work in certain careers: everyone assumes that they will no longer want to work in the same way after kids.

Don't get me wrong - my kids are my no. 1 priority in life. But I have arranged my life to allow me to continue working in the career I love.

Having said that I would not automatically assume all company's are out to get you and talk pre-emptively to lawyers as per PP. while my company are not v flexible re. part time working, work from home etc they have been very fair to me during both pregnancies and maternity leaves.

goodlucktime I think thats really good advice. companies rely on people not having the knowledge/guts to sue them when treating women badly. If you know what your rights are, you are better equipped to negotiate and draw red lines for your employer. I think its also helpful in making it clear that you will not tolerate being trampled - OP I have no doubt you would stand up for yourself but having an arsenal at your disposal has got to be a good thing.

this is really interesting reading and I think hearing others experiences is really helpful. there are many ways to do this, its about making the choices that feel right for you.

goodluck I think that's really sound advice. Fortunately I have a v good grasp on the law as I had to clean up a spate of maternity discrimination cases when I took over this business (!!) so took a bunch of legal advice to stop it happening again. But I think your point about communicating clearly and not being apologetic is a v v good one. Just state what is going to happen and leave it at that.

In terms of pace on return to work, tbh I have taken one sabbatical in my career (between jobs) and it was bloody hard to get back to work after 7 months off. I think it's maybe not just having a baby that changes your mind but also just not moving at quite such a frenetic pace. I love the high energy of work but it does take some getting used to and when you stop you have to get back on the merrygoround so to speak.

Just to echo what some others have said about breastfeeding. You will probably need to pump at least as often (and possibly for longer) than you would feed in order to keep up with your baby, at least for the first few months. So a night nurse may not save you that much sleep disruption. Unless you're okay with using formula, I'd veer towards 6 months. You can always return earlier if your baby stops night feeds earlier (you'd be lucky if so) or you just hate breastfeeding/pumping!

Would you be hoping to pump at work?

A few more thoughts from me:

• I completely failed with pumping at work: went back to work with a six month old ebf baby, within a week I was feeding morning and night with formula during the day (which was fine with me! It was what it was)

• I agree it takes a while to get back on the merry-go-round, but I found I was really ready to go back at six months (I'm not a baby person!)

• I completely agree with not apologizing but having a plan and sticking with it re leaving the office and when you are available. I would think about having one day a week when you can work late (or at least not have to rush back home). Sometimes it's good to have face time with some of the people who are around later on; sometimes it's useful to be able to schedule a late meeting (or socialize). And it shows that you are still invested and not completely on the Mummy Track

OlenasWimple I like your advice about aiming for one night a week where you can work late/socialise. We have quite a lot of evening client events and I'm already wondering how I'm going to manage that when I'm back at work. One night seems reasonable and should be OK to organise with DH and/or nanny (when we get one!). Lots to think about. My twins are due in early Aug and am planning to take 6 moths off. It's really interesting to read about the hormonal side of things too - I can't imagine that yet. I'm sure lots of plans will go out of the window once the babies arrive and I'm overwhelmed with mum hormones (yikes)

I think you're right to take 6 months and be at your best rather than 3 months and struggle. I know that your career is very important to you but think about the positive impact an extra 3 months will have with you and baby.

It is hard when working with all males but it sounds as though you are very strong and can tell them what for if they start to criticise.

Try and think positively about the pregnancy rather than every sickness day being bad.. My sickness stopped which I thought would be great but now it's replaced by thinking All is not well so I'm no better off.

This is not career suicide it's the start of something amazing!

I think this article is good about what successful women don't do. I think it is very easy to feel as if you have to give everything 100% but actually you cannot.

So practical things like having a night a week for staying late means you have nights to see the kids/do other stuff/go to bed early. An NED I saw speaking at Workfest last yr had a '2 nights a week only out for work' rule.

gu.com/p/4j67b?

I'm in a similar position although not as senior so can't afford nanny ;) (director level, team of c100) it's very early days so I haven't told work yet, they are also US based. I went back at 8 weeks with DD to my previous role, it was far too early but I was much younger and scared of falling behind/them realising I wasn't needed etc... This time round I plan to take 6months ( so they have to give me MY job back) but do 5 KIT days each month for months 5 & 6. I then plan to use my annual leave accrue to word 4 days per week for the next 3 months. Not told them yet though.... Too scared

gin how far along are you? Congratulations!

That's a great idea re using the kit days in blocks in the later months

Sorry it's so stressful, I wish our American friends were a bit more enlightened on this! I'm not showing at ALL and I'm actually delighted as I can hide it for longer from work - how sad is that?! It's my first baby, I should be excited about the bump!

I've only just found out- 4weeks. Got a trip to the states in 2 weeks with a couple of colleagues and I've no idea how I'll avoid drinking as customer entertaining etc... Not to mention overnight flights etc

Compression socks and baby aspirin daily for flying. Plus move around lots (are you in biz class? If you're lying flat and sleeping I think moving around less essential - put a pashmina or something under your feet.)

For client entertainment - I get to the restaurant/bar early and ask the maitre d/barman to bring me virgin versions of cocktails or spirits when I ask for alcoholic versions. Eg if I order a gin & tonic just bring me a tonic. Works every time. (Tip HEAVILY if you're in the U.S.) You can't have wine but I found that "I feel like something stronger" tended to work as an excuse.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm not as senior as you, but very committed to my career and enjoy working. I'm also the main earner.

I took 14 months off with dd. It was a bit longer than planned as I had to finish work early, and then had a miscarriage just before my return, so needed a bit of extra time.

Actually, it was fine. I returned almost full time, which helped a lot. It meant that I came back fully. I really enjoyed returning to work. I was able to move jobs but at a similar level, and the fresh start worked well.

I would not have been ready to return at 3 months. I had a difficult birth, then dd was a total nightmare with reflux and allergies. Only at 4 months did she settle. I also found the shift from working to being a mum really hard. At work I knew what I was doing, I had no clue how to be a mum!

I'm currently pregnant again and undecided how long to take off. Probably 9 months.

I went back after 6 months and got back into things fine, I couldn't have done it after 3 months - hormones and lack of sleep etc.

I would plan for 6 months minimum and if you are able to do extra 'kit' between 3 and 6 months you can. It would be a disaster to plan to go back after 3 if you're not ready and would maybe spoil those early months if you were worrying about it.

When DS was born in that instant I couldn't imagine ever leaving him and got quite upset. That gradually easedand by the time I went back to work I was able to cope and a year later an pretty happy with how it all went - but I really don't think 3 months was do-able.

Good luck OP!

I think sometimes we forget to look at things in the grander scheme. Say you're a professional in your early or mid thirties. You still have around half your working life ahead of you! With that perspective, does staying at home for 6 or 9 months rather than 3 seem such a big jump? What going back after 3 months does mean though, is that you probably won't be there when your baby rolls for the first time, or learns to crawl or pull himself up, or starts cruising or walking. You won't be there to wean him onto solids and see what food he likes and what he doesn't.

I'm not saying it's without risk though. When the recession hit I went through 2 redundancy rounds at the law firm I worked at (pre baby). In the first round they got rid of every single woman who had kids and worked part time. They knew they could get away with it because no lawyer who wants to stay in private practice will sue their own firm. The second redundancy round they got rid of the dead wood who weren't great at their job or getting the fees in - basically the people they should've got rid of first.

Despite all that I'll be staying at home for 12 months with my second as I did for my first (will have been back working 9 months between the 2). At the end of the day there are always other firms and other jobs but those first few months you will never get back.

I'd be tempted by longer than 6 months but the fact that they wouldn't need to give me the exact same job worries me, especially as were about to got through a merger

There's no other equivalent job I could take gin, so I'm going back within 6 months for the same reason. There are only 3 other people at my level in the company and they're all located in the U.S. so if I don't have this job I'm redundant. And I'd rather not be coming back from mat leave and having to job hunt!

Good point about 6-9 months not actually being that long in career terms. I worked in a role for 8 months that did zero for my career. I just made extra sure my next role put me back on track.