Exec/professional women - dealing with pregnancy

[careersuicide]

Hi - name changer here, moving over from the conception board!

Am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first. Having got safely through the 12w scan etc I am now starting to think about how to manage all this pregnancy and baby business.

I currently run a division of a medium size (£1bn revenue) business. I sit on the board and have around 2000 people sitting under me in the structure across 12 countries. We're doing a full turnaround of the business so every day is v high pressured and I am under the cosh to deliver a huge amount v quickly.

I don't know many other women in similar situations so am turning to MN for some advice and general chitchat!

I have had an extremely rough first trimester, lots of vomiting and dizziness. Managed to get though it just taking a couple of wfh days - all my team probably think I'm really lazy but I just have needed to juggle stuff around and ease off a bit. Felt mildly better from 10-14w but now my vomiting and dizziness is back and I feel like crying. I have urgent deadlines - I have a business that I'm in the midst of turning around and everything is urgent and I haven't yet built the team to delegate to. It's not a matter of "being signed off" (I control my own schedule), more how to manage it as a practical matter.

Also wondering if people had thoughts on how long to take for maternity leave. My due date is mid Dec and q1/h1 of 2017 is a v important time for me worldwise. Am debating whether to take 3 months off (best for business) or 6 months (best for me). Employer is likely to be totally unhelpful & unsupportive - I am the only female exec on the board and it's a v male industry.

Any general words of wisdom are much appreciated!

What does your partner do OP? Could you pass any of the leave to him? You could do 3 months each maybe?

I agree with ColdandGloomy - what you do has the potential to change the culture of the organisation. (No pressure, then!) Have you read Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In? Some of that might be relevant to you currently.

I'd say just be prepared for things not going to plan! I'm a surgeon and had planned to work up until 37 weeks. I had a very easy first and second trimesters and only told work I was pregnant at 20 weeks (I mainly work with men and none of them are very observant about these things!). I worked long hours and was on my feet a lot but felt invincible. At 30 weeks a routine growth scan showed that my baby had stopped growing and I was ordered to stop work immediately (wasn't even allowed to do my operating list the next day) and spent the next month being monitored/scanned every other day and had my DS at 35 weeks (thankfully he was fine). I went back 3 weeks ago when he was 18 weeks old. It's been fine, he's settled well at nursery and we don't have any help at home. I'm really enjoying being back at work but if money/career progression were not an issue I think I'd have taken 6 months.

While it's good to think all this through, do be mindful that things might not go quite to plan.

Also - are you able to negotiate phased return? Is your partner able to use some shared parental leave?

My husband will be able to use parental leave, yes - he will probs take at least 3 months, and also take a chunk of unpaid leave and spend it with me on my mat leave. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitating about going back at 3ish months - we are liking the idea of having a good few months together getting used to the idea of being parents. (I don't think there's a huge amount of upside in him being around for the first 6 weeks when it seems to be properly feeding sleeping omgwhathaveidone time but maybe I'm wrong on that.)

Yes have read lean in and thought it utterly sensible and non controversial in the main. Definitely applicable to me, but the main message I actually took from it was that ultimately it is you who are responsible for your own choices, whatever they be. So own them. Which is kind of why I'm thinking about it!

And should have said that obv all of the above is predicated on a healthy baby and healthy me. If neither of those things come to pass I'll change my plans in the blink of an eye - work doesn't even come close to health in importance. Likewise if my feelings change then so be it. But would like to formulate at least the Plan A!

Also in the US here, I went back after 12 weeks with my first, and 6 weeks after my second (they are two years apart). I was supposed to take 12 weeks, but the company I worked for had just been bought by a competitor and the department was in chaos so my boss called and asked me to come back early. I tried to limit my travel to east coast day trips and my employer was good about that until my son was about a year old. I BF both, and pumped in my office 3-4 times a day for the first year. It was ok, I was tired but survived and I couldn't have done a terrible job as I was promoted again the following year. With the level of help you're describing, you should be fine! I had a cleaner and a gardener, but the babies just went to nursery - I did morning drop offs and my husband picked them up every day which meant I could stay later in the office. 5 years on I'm pregnant again with #3 (not planned) and I'm taking 12 weeks this time. The timing is not great, but it can't be helped. While 12 weeks isn't ideal by British standards, its absolutely feasible to go back to work at 12 weeks and do a decent job.

You need to be flexible - I was still working when I went into premature labour, for example.

Six months sounds like a good compromise time limit. You won't get any kudos for going back sooner, but you would lose both that time with your baby and the chance to break a few glass ceilings.

Stem ginger is great for nausea. Make sure you have things like mini mars bars in your desk drawer for when you need a blood sugar boost

Start looking at smart maternity office wear now (assuming you have to dress well for your role). When you have a sudden bump growth spurt you don't want to be stuck while you find suitable attire (I once went shopping at lunch time because the trousers I wore yesterday today wouldn't do up properly and I had an important meeting that afternoon. All I could find was Dorothy Perkins maternity, but better than a bare belly...)

I went back very early with DD (less than 3 months) and I'm reluctantly going back at 3 months with DS (have 1.5 weeks left). It's the nature of my job / the business. I'd love 6 months but it would be frowned upon. It's hard but only because longer is the norm. It's actually quite doable from a professional point of view.

Another one who went back after 3 months with my first. It was fine and I breastfed until 8 months. I then changed the way I worked, went self employed and had 3 more. The 4th is 2 weeks old and I started working while I was still in hospital and my first day of meetings is in a fortnight. It's fine and I don't resent it.

My strongest advice is to try not to fall for the 'shoulds' and 'shouldnt' and the weirdness which is 'mothers guilt' which people seem to love shoving down your throat. Just do what works for you and your family. And remember that babyhood is a tiny part of child rearing. Being there 24/7 isn't necessarily the best way to structure your time, if you can achieve more good for you/the family by being elsewhere. the idea that mothers must be full time with their babies from birth to a year is a very new concept.

I went back early after my two, and honestly, though I loved breast feeding, it takes up 90% of your time, and the baby will not be sleeping through the night.. formula feeding makes much much more sense. You return to yourself hormonally very quickly, which gave me back my ambition and drive and helped the return.
This may be controversial, but it's honestly the advice I'd give a friend.
That American model of sitting in an office pumping is awful- to be hormonally connected but physically apart did not allow me to function as I needed to (baby one)

Try travel sickness bands for sickness, I kept mine on permanently from about 8 to 20 weeks and they were really helpful (though they do give the game away to women who've had babies..., men not so much).

I went back after 3 months with all my DC. I hated the baby stage and preferred work.

I don't regret it for a second.

You do t know what you'll be like. You might want to go back to work, or you might want to take a long time off.

I suspect if you take a long time off your career will be effected and I suspect you'll regret it.

Lots of people love the baby stage, and prefer being at home. But not all by a long way. Only it's fairly taboo to say what I have so most people won't admit they prefer being at work to being at home.

I was in a very similar position to you OP and felt very attached to the objective I was responsible for (Again sounds very similar to yours). I know this isn't helpful but I would advise you to accept you just might not be around for that final part of seeing all the pieces come together. It's hard when you've put everything into something, you don't want to hand it over, you feel like you will want daily updates on it all. I was way too invested in what was going on at work when I had my first maternity leave. It.did me no good at all. It is the company's responsibility to ensure they are satisfied with whatever cover they put in place for you and it's out of your hands. I'd say keep your options open. I did 6 months on first, 6 on second and was back part time after 3 months on third (FT a couple of months later). My third is no longer a baby and still doesn't sleep through so I often have to go in sleep deprived. In my experience it hasn't impacted on my work, in fact I'd say I've struggled with motherhood, 2 x PND and just stress of having 3 within 4 years, so work is a welcome distraction and it spurs me on to succeed.

At this point, ypur career is a reality and your baby metaphorical. You can't make any kinds of decisions because you have no idea how you are actually going to feel when you meet your baby. Your night nurse sounds brilliant, but that will interfere with breastfeeding if that is what you want to do. You also might not want to hand your baby over to someone else. It's not easy - those instincts and hormones are powerful things. I'm not in the same position. I work in management but in education so I don't have the demands put upon my time as you do. I imagine your world is pretty cut throat. I do love my job though and returned full time when my dd was 9 months old. I wanted to return to work - being a stay at home mum was not for me. But, I would run out of the door at the end of the day. My arms ached for my baby and I'd cry when I left her. I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't realise I would feel that strongly. My advice to you would be to plan for 6 months and then see how you feel. Lots of women decide on radical career changes (no matter how much they love their job) once their baby arrives because priorities change. That project that means everything right now may not even register on your radar when baby arrives. You have no way of knowing how you will feel and you might find yourself surprised. Don't push yourself to do what you think you should do. Babies are only little for such a short time. Good luck.

I have worked my whole adult life except two maternity leaves of six months each. Very committed to my career. So I hope this doesn't sound unsympathetic OP.

Being a mum is at times the best and also the hardest thing you will ever do. It does - and should - change your life and your priorities. It isn't something you can outsource (day nannies, night nannies...) because you'll miss the best as well as the hard hits. Of course you'll need help - but plan to have time to enjoy your baby.

It will be difficult if your company isn't understanding. But the advantage of taking a reasonable maternity leave - say six months - is that's you'll feel human once you do return to work and it's long enough for them to put some proper cover in place. If you only take three months they'll treat it like a long holiday and you'll end up dealing with emails and problems while on mat. leave. Please don't do that to yourself.

Another issue is that as a senior women you set the tone. It sounds like you are senior enough to say 'this is what I'm doing'. And that's will make it easier for the next woman.

As others have said, remember that babies often come early. If you plan to work till the last minute don't be surprised if that doesn't work out in practice.

Good luck with all this.

Oh and the small practical bit you need about your cover is a temporary fixed term contract. So decide your minimum, say 3 months and then the contract states it may be extended.

This ties in though more with the legal side of being allowed to take a year off so most are for six months with a six month extension. Bearing in mind you have to give a month notice of intention to return so the temp cover gets a months notice. Not sure if that's just my employer or general legalities.

And at your level surely you need to recommend a proper handover both ends? Meaning the calibre of the cover could feasibly be better if you can guarantee a six month stint.

What sort of mat pay have they got it place? Will they wince at the cost of the cover!

Oh and have you a guard dog like secretary? You need someone who brazens out your pregnancy symptoms with brutal loses and efficiency

*lies not loses.

Whereas my position isn't as high as yours I totally understand where you are coming from. To keep the bump a secret from clients is difficult especially when I look like I'm about to vomit or faint.

13 weeks is usual here in France. I was quite glad to get back to adults but don't under estimate the fatigue. Try NOT to waste time on guilt to baby, DP or bosses. I stressed about telling boss and he was delighted. But I was only back for 8 weeks when I discovered I was pregnant again.

I dropped all the day time feeds and just did first and last breast feeds. The rest were bottle. Do what's easiest and less tiring. Pumping is a PIA.

I think I'd tell your boss that UK maternity leave is a year but you plan to back in 6 months. Manage expectations. Ask for your replacement to meet with you once or twice a week from 3 months.

Ask to be copied into mails if it will help.

Wow! Thank you for sharing everyone. This is amazing. Incredibly helpful.

greenrut your words really resonated - that's exactly it, I am invested in an objective.

Love all the various ideas about how to retain flexibility and optionality - thank you.

To answer the various questions -

I have an amazing secretary who has known about the pregnancy since I found out at 4 weeks and has been a miracle worker at juggling my diary when I needed to wfh/go home/was vomiting in the toilets/was lying down on the sofa in my office with the blinds closed.

And yes I am senior enough to just tell them what I'm doing - I won't be asking them what they think! I don't anticipate having any formal problems, I suspect they'll take legal advice if I tell them I'm taking 6 months off and rapidly realise it's legal. There's an outside chance they might try to manage me out but I don't think so (they are extremely happy with my performance) and even if they did I'm on 12 months notice so any compromise agreement package would be large (ironically it would be financially preferable for me to be managed out!).

Re mat pay - it's 6 weeks on 100% and then the next 20 on 40%. (When I joined it was stat only - I implemented it . Also put in 2 months of paid pat leave which has a much greater impact on our staff of whom 80% are male.) Not worried about mat pay, we have more than enough savings to make our decisions without the financials coming into it. Cost of cover will be astronomical but they won't care - in that sense my timing is impeccable as we have a calendar financial year so I'll just stick it in my budget when I'm preparing it in October, and once things are budgeted no one ever really questions them.

Nicely done on the Mat leave pay introduction!

One other thought - when you return, make sure you do what you need to in terms of flexibility. And don't develop the habit of apologising for not being able to make meetings etc.it can cause quite a negative feedback loop (as opposed to simply saying 'i can't make that time. When else can you do?')

I was in a similar position to you when I had my first, and a word of warning (as I hadn't anticipated this) they started to manage me out immediately once I returned to work.

I found it very hard as I always worked more hours than necessary, had excellent performance, retention bonuses, promotion, on the board, you name it!

With a baby my (american) bosses wanted me gone.

I did get a big payout (compromise), but it was fairly tough mentally getting through it - I would not recommend it, or at least try not to take it personally.

It ended up being a bit of a turning point for me, and I am probably now both more successful and happier than before, but had a very hard 18 months getting there.

on other matters.... You may need to give up work "early" or earlier than I anticipated - I had to both times as bump was too big to drive anymore . I had to get a driver after 35 weeks...

If you're based in the UK your company can't just ignore sex discrimination or maternity rights. If you are unwell during your pregnancy, take time off sick (pregnancy related). That's probably better than being present but not able to perform as usual, and is likely better for your health, which is important.

Agree with the PP that if returning to work relatively soon continuing to bf could be hard on you. I bf after returning to work after a year and don't think it did my health or sanity any favours!