Exec/professional women - dealing with pregnancy

[careersuicide]

Hi - name changer here, moving over from the conception board!

Am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first. Having got safely through the 12w scan etc I am now starting to think about how to manage all this pregnancy and baby business.

I currently run a division of a medium size (£1bn revenue) business. I sit on the board and have around 2000 people sitting under me in the structure across 12 countries. We're doing a full turnaround of the business so every day is v high pressured and I am under the cosh to deliver a huge amount v quickly.

I don't know many other women in similar situations so am turning to MN for some advice and general chitchat!

I have had an extremely rough first trimester, lots of vomiting and dizziness. Managed to get though it just taking a couple of wfh days - all my team probably think I'm really lazy but I just have needed to juggle stuff around and ease off a bit. Felt mildly better from 10-14w but now my vomiting and dizziness is back and I feel like crying. I have urgent deadlines - I have a business that I'm in the midst of turning around and everything is urgent and I haven't yet built the team to delegate to. It's not a matter of "being signed off" (I control my own schedule), more how to manage it as a practical matter.

Also wondering if people had thoughts on how long to take for maternity leave. My due date is mid Dec and q1/h1 of 2017 is a v important time for me worldwise. Am debating whether to take 3 months off (best for business) or 6 months (best for me). Employer is likely to be totally unhelpful & unsupportive - I am the only female exec on the board and it's a v male industry.

Any general words of wisdom are much appreciated!

taking I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. American business culture really is the pits. I think there's a strong chance that will happen to me too - (un)fortunately I am reasonably tough on that score as have always had to fight tooth and nail to get what I am owed. I think that you're right that the trick is not to take it too personally - which ofc conflicts with being invested in/caring about a job. But it's a tough world out there.

I'm not as busy as you, but quite high and in an American-owned, male-dominated multinational. I took 3 months with both kids. (my boss thinks this was already a totally indulgent luxury). And almost had DC2 at my desk, but that's another story
It was hard to leave them, but it was not hard to come back to work, if you see what I mean. It's very, very important that you're totally happy with your childcare solution though. (DH stayed home in my case). I was actually quite bored at home, even at that stage - and 3 months in my work was just short enough that I didn't feel like everything had moved on without me. Woudl this be a concern for you if you take 6?
Both kids were breastfed - yes, lugging the pump around and taking expressing breaks was a bit of a pain (especially when out of office or travelling), but totally doable. Get the best double electric pump that money can buy.

General word of wisdom - everybody will tell you that ooooh kids will totally change you and you will absolutely re-think your career and you won't care any more once you're a mum, you'll see. I haven't found that this was the case for me, so might not happen for you either. Or might happen. Flexibility is good, if that's an option.

Hi. I'm intrigued that on the one hand you say that the company would think a year's maternity leave was a joke but in the other you have managed to implement two MONTHS paternity leave on full pay for all male employees. That's way above the norm of 2 weeks for most UK companies. Great work on increasing the mat leave pay too. Out of interest, do you have female employees who have taken the whole year? Would you prefer them to come back sooner if the law didn't prevent you from raising the issue?

You do sound like a very diligent and thoughtful person so please don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like you don't really want to have a baby- your username, the fact that you say you only "agreed to give birth" on condition that there would be lots of outside care, your reference to the post birth period being one of "omigodwhathaveidone". Don't get me wrong, I am NOT suggesting that a woman who decides to return to work very quickly doesn't really want her baby, that would be nonsense. Also you're still in the early stages when you still feel sick and the reality of the baby arriving is still a long way off. However perhaps for your own mental health, rather than stressing about what a huge disruption and inconvenience the baby is going to be, perhaps you should try to focus on positive feelings of excitement, the potential love and fun in motherhood, the way it brings you and your DH together. Otherwise you might find the whole experience even harder than it has to be.

I say this from a place of experience, though not significantly more than you- I am 30 weeks with my first and am in a very senior position in professional services. We have just recruited my cover and I have a lot of concerns about her embedding herself too firmly in my role, despite my firm being very supportive of full 12 months leave. I too am considering a return before the legal cutoff for them having to give me back exactly the same job. However I haven't told them that yet.

But work concerns aside, I do try to take some time each week to dismiss all thoughts of work and focus entirely on pregnancy, reading about parenting, talking to Mum's for advice and doing things like planning the baby's room. It doesn't come naturally but it's exciting to think of myself in that entirely new role.

Best of luck with your decision.

Mums not Mum's. Bloody spellcheck.

OP I really feel for you. Like you I work in a high pressured industry and was in a senior board management position when pregnant. Dropping the ball at any point just wasn’t an option. I had to have a cervical cerclage at 14 weeks and I didn’t tell work, just took a few days off sick. I didn’t tell them I was pregnant until I was six months – I hardly showed so it was easy to hide.

I live overseas with 45 days maternity, I managed to scrape holidays together and employer agreed to 4 months. I had a tiny premature baby that never slept or napped and it nearly killed me – so my doctor agreed to me taking some more time off. I went back when my DD was 5 months. I actually loved going back to work and it saved my sanity BUT only because DD had started sleeping 11-5 at that point. Up until then, there is no way I could have fired on all cylinders at work. I was a mess.

I went back to work, allegedly on reduced hours (with reduced pay to match) and ended up – of course – working 100% of the hours and more. I stuck it out for a year, then left and set up my own business.

Like others have said, you may change your outlook when you have the baby. I am absolutely by no means an earth mother type, but I am a lot less interested in the cut and thrust of work and I certainly don’t want to be chained to a desk for 14 hour days. I still put in the hours but they are on my terms.

I would and hedge your bets at work and tell them 6 months so they are prepared for the worst – then if you feel like going back at 5, you can.

If you have money to throw at problems, also do this. I have a nanny who also acts as our housekeeper and cleaner – best investment ever. She meant that I could go back to work safe and confident knowing my baby was happy and safe.

Be kind to yourself and keep us posted :)

I haven't read the whole thread and I know this is probably a different take on what other people have said. I think it's so hard to make the right decision as a woman in a high pressure, high responsibility world. Your identity is so much wrapped up in what you do. But when making decisions please remember that life can change in an instant. My own experience of motherhood has been shaped hugely by discovering at 4 months that the baby we thought was healthy had a life limiting condition. I was so, so glad that I had done right by him, listened to him and had lovely, gentle times feeding him in the night and bonding with him and forgetting for a while about the world outside our home. I know that it may seem impossible to do this for you, but life is so precious and fragile and sometimes you cannot see this until it is too late when you work in an industry that is about making things happen. Just wanted to remind you of that bit of the decision, as you can never change the time that has gone when your baby is so tiny and vulnerable. Work is work and there is more room for manoeuvre. Good luck either way!

I'm in a similar(ish) boat. Currently 29 weeks pregnant with twins and am making arrangements to take 6 months maternity leave. I lead a large team and travel a lot - I really have no idea how I'm going to deal with this job once I'm back. I've decided to cross that bridge when I come to it (?!). In the meantime, I'm getting stressed trying to figure out who's going to do what whilst I'm away. I work for a US company and they are rather shocked that I'm taking 6 months....max 3 months is the norm over there of course.

Anyway, in a nutshell...I feel your pain! As someone else mentions, perhaps you can aim to take 6 months and be flexible about coming back early. Your baby might be a little darling and you'll have no problem leaving her/him with your DH or nanny. Who knows though, right? I'm planning to do the same. I'm on a bigger salary than DH so it's important for me to get back to work ASAP. I know it's going to be tough though.

jessie - just to address your points - I don't need corporate approval for benefits changes so long as I can fund them, so I didn't even ask permission to implement enhanced pat leave. Just found the dollars and did it. I'm a rebel like that :)

In terms of your comments about not wanting a baby, I am actually very excited about it at a personal level. HOWEVER I am nervous about it completely derailing my career which is what this thread is about. I think the issue shows most starkly compared to my husband who doesn't have to worry about any of this (in fact who will get lots of brownie points for being a "good dad" for taking any time off), which pisses me off. Doesn't mean I don't want a baby!

Re other women in my org - yes I have had a few all of whom have taken 9-12 months, and I think it's too long. Way too long. I think for professional women a 12 month mat leave does them a great disservice professionally (although of course you balance what you get out of that personally - professional impact isn't the be all and end all!).

Thanks to all for your experiences and thoughts - a wide range of things to think about.

And bluemoonday TWINS 😳. Wow. Congratulations! Well done for holding your ground on the 6 months.

I wasn't as senior as you, but when my first child was born I was a manager in a very competitive, male dominated environment, so I can understand how you feel.

The six months as a compromise between US batshit crazy maternity culture and the UK norm is a good one, and gives you enough time to get your head around the whole thing.

I had an emergency c-section and pretty much non-sleeping baby first time around, so returning to work after 3 months would have been impossible, no matter what help I bought in.

Thanks for replying to my post careersuicide. However you sound a bit defensive and I didn't mean to upset you. ; I wasn't accusing you definitively of not wanting a baby, I was saying that certain things in your OP made it sounded like you didn't and that it might be a sign that you weren't allowing yourself any head space to get excited. That's all.

Budget aside, how do the company manage the fathers being out of office for 2 months at a time? It's very interesting that they are taking so long given the very small take up of shared parental leave by professional men, due to perceived stigma in UK companies, never mind US ones.

Jessie sorry didn't mean to sound defensive - just articulating what was on my mind!

We only brought it in last year and so far only 4 people have taken full advantage of it. (It's slightly awkward to implement in line with the statutory regime as 2 weeks has to be taken right after birth so if fathers want to take some as spl at another time it's really max 6 weeks). We've got another dozen or so scheduled this year. I guess you only have so many people pregnant at the same time! It'll be a combination of getting temps, reshuffling work - depends really. No different to someone getting sick or needing compassionate leave really.

Interesting, thanks.

I work in a multinational (American based and American boss) but I live in a Scandinavian country. The disconnect between what my employers expect and what society here is set up to expect is the single biggest stressor in my life, and in fact is making it almost impossible. It's not even a matter of being unwilling - things here are simply set up to assume that you will do X. Doing y can be impossible. My boss is a dyed in the wool Texan and was shocked I was taking any mat leave. I'm pretty sure she will attempt to manage me out on my return.

I'd stay flexible - you have no idea how the pregnancy will progress. I had plans of working up to the end (I manage the European/Asia Pacific bit of our section) but I had severe hyperemesis, and spd, then potentially life threatening complications that needed a c section. Which went a bit wrong.
I vomited dozens of times a day from days after conception to the day I gave birth. I could barely walk or sit by the end. It was pretty shocking to me that I was in such a state, and I was signed off at six months.

My baby is a wonderful little guy, but I've not slept more than an hour for well over six months now and there is absolutely no way I could have gone back at three months. I was still healing from the birth - even 8 months later I'm still unable to walk far.

Hopefully your pregnancy will be great and you'll be one of those women who pops out a baby and sails through. And with nannies and nurses you'll have great support.

One last thing - do be prepared to get extremely mushy when the baby arrives. I never thought I was the maternal type, but if you offered me a sahm role now I'd bite your hand off ;)

Lots of insight here already.

This old thread might be of interest too, it goes beyond the birth/baby stage but useful perspectives. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/employment_issues/1979002-High-earning-mothers

Oh and congrats on the pregnancy, wishing you both well.

Ooh I'll take a look at the old thread - thanks!

formalhaut sounds like your experience is similar to mine in terms of the conflict. I am so sorry you had such a tough pregnancy and birth experience too. Look after yourself

jessie - well I thought I'd better put my money where my mouth is in terms of making it more equal between men and women in the workplace! It's not perfect but it's a start and I'm proud we do it.

If you do have hyperemesis then don't be fobbed off by your doc. There are drugs you can take. If you're unable to keep down any fluids you need rehydration via drip.
There is still a huge attitude of 'suck it up, woman' when it comes to pregnancy related illness. The lack of care can be dire.
Hopefully you'll be one of the majority who see the nausea subside around week 12-16 but if not, be pushy and get treated! I remember lying on the floor in my office after being sick so many times, taking a call and hoping j wouldn't pass out again. grim, grim, grim

Yes I am on antiemetics and have had to go and have IV a couple of times. I am not sure if it is full blown hyperemesis as I have had some days where I am "fine" (read: just horribly nauseous but no vomiting) and others where I vomit 50+ times a day and want to die! I thought the nausea had started to subside and then had a bad day on Tuesday and had to stay home as was throwing up every 15 minutes or so. So we shall see.

It is incredibly grim and I agree that no one should have to "just get on with it" - ugh!

My take on it is a bit different.

I was very career-focused when I was pregnant with DC1 (I was a management consultant at the time), and I got an email with the intention to retrench me while I was on the client's site. It really came as a body blow to me. It had to do not only with the shock of possible unemployment (I am the main breadwinner in our family), but at that stage I was still very much in love with my job, and I would have happily sacrificed a LOT for the company. Their selection process of who was going to be retrenched was grossly unfair, and the only reason I was there was because pregnant women - and those with babies - are inconvenient and costly employees.

In the end I did manage to retain my job, but the whole incident tinged my view of that company, and work in general.

Nothing changes your world as much as a baby does, even if you are fortunately enough to have help (I am based in South Africa, so we have a full time nanny). Will the company match your loyalty to them? (OK, I did commit career suicide when a manager - who had been a friend - at that company gave me a pep talk about loyalty, and I responded with 'if you want loyalty, get a fucking dog'...)

My advice is very much to do what is best for you, rather than what is best for the company.

I also suggest that you read "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg, which creates a very interesting perspective about powerful women in the workplace.

I am currently on maternity leave with DC2 from a senior management role (just below board level) in a multi national. My company is European but based in a country where shirt maternity leaves are the norm.

I took 6 months leave for DC1 and will be taking just under 12 months this time (will be my last DC).

• take as much maternity leave as you want. Imo it is much more important to show you are back 100% when you return - I would have been just too tired to perform as I would like at work after 3 months

• go back full time. In my company part time working will (unfortunately) be career suicide

• I am very flexible while on maternity leave. I keep in touch and attend some important planning meetings

• set your stall out as soon as you return. I come into work early each day but leave on time most days so I can pick up my kids. I have a couple of hours then at home with the kids and am contactable again (phone, email) after bedtime.

go back full time. In my company part time working will (unfortunately) be career suicide

Oh yes, that! I'm also in another country and everybody assumes I'm part time now, that's what mothers do. Usually means working full time, but for less money and killing any promotion opportunities - as you are seen as 'mum who works a little bit for pin money', even if you're in management and working say, 80%. There's a lot of judging of my choice, I have to say, but they can all just fuck off and mind their own business.

Margo - thanks for sharing that old thread - it's fascinating and makes me feel a lot less alone!

Interesting thread - I work in a male dominated industry (94% of staff are men), and I was reluctant to even consider having a child due to the effect it'd have on my career. The few women that had children were either demoted or made redundant, because they dropped to part time (3/4 full days a week).

Eventually I realised how important it was to my husband, and realised that I too would probably regret not having kids - but I'm still conflicted in terms of my career.

My current place is ace though - when I said I planned to come back after three months, my boss said, "I'm not going to hold you to that, because you don't know how things will go or how things might change. Do what's best for your family, we'll still be here when you get back!"

Still a bit nervous though (and not looking forward to the massive drop in income, heh )