Facing Pregnancy Alone

[MyWorstNightmare]

Hi,

I'm just looking for some positive stories of anyone who had to go through pregnancy and childbirth alone. My whole world fell apart a few weeks ago and I'm now single and pregnant. I'm in the very early stages and just wonder if I'll ever feel happy about this. I'm got wonderful friends and family, so in that sense, I'm not alone, but everything I thought would be has now been taken away. I'm devastated and trying to stay strong, but it's so, so hard.

My partner left me when my son was 3 months old, prior to that I might as well of been alone. I actually really enjoyed parenting on my own. I'm a bit of a control freak so it meant I could set the routine and follow it how I wanted to. I've now met an married a lovely man and we're expecting, but I cherish those baby years of just me and my DS. It was tough, but also wonderful in so many ways. I had supportive friends and family too, use them, they will be your lifeline and will enjoy helping.

Good luck.

Thank you AKP79, that's exactly what I need to hear!

I keep thinking I'll be ok once the baby is here but that's 7 months away and I'm frightened I'll feel this sad until then. I hate feeling sorry for myself!!

I haven't been all the way through it yet but I'm in the same boat as you, and just wanted to say HI and you're not alone! Sucks, doesn't it? I'm living in a different country to my family and friends and feeling very alone.

Stuff I've learned so far:

1. Don't go to scans alone, you'll hate all the smug happy couples in the waiting rooms and it will spoil the experience. Take a friend, or your mum or someone.

1. Do something nice for yourself every day. Have a massage, a nice bath, go for mocktails with girlfriends, go window shopping etc

1. It's not too early to start window shopping. It has helped me get excited about the baby, whereas before it was just making me feel sad all the time.

My usual reaction to a bad break-up (actually I've only had 2 before this) is to drink a lot of whiskey and smoke a million cigarettes and probably put a lot of other bad things into my body but obviously I haven't been able to do any of that in this case. So am just trying to be nice to myself.

Hugs :). And congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you enjoy it x

I'm 34 weeks with 3rd baby I'm ony own hun.you whont feel like it forever hun.I've always thought things happen for a reason.men ant the greatest but I think like a wonderful thing came out of it some one to love you and love you back.most preciase thing going to see u baby for first time listening to there heart beat you far from being on u own hun.get in to buying things for baby and planning and think of names.xxx

Thanks ladies this means a lot! I hate that others are and have been going through this too but it helps to know you can be happy.

thelittleredhead it's seeing all the happy couples that I'm dreading! I'm so lucky to be very close to my mum and I plan on taking her to all scans. I've actually had to move back home to my parents for now as I need to save a deposit for my own place. It's not ideal but I'm starting to get my head round it and it should hopefully only be for a year. Thanks for the tips! I'm desperately in need of some me time to try relax a bit!

Thanks Zoe, I'm hoping when I see the scan and hear the heartbeat, if all is well obviously, that I can start to put this misery behind me and start looking forward. I have strong moments but keep falling back into the sadness. I feel stronger tonight, long may it continue!

Thank you all x

Marking my place - I'm 26 weeks (and half asleep), father blocked all contact with me when I told him at 6 weeks...will post a proper reply tomorrow!

That's awful Fifi!

We'd planned this baby and I was lucky enough to fall the first month of trying. Years of talking about it and to actually try before then deciding it's not me he wants to have a family with (amongst other horrible, horrible things). He's since said he didn't mean it, but I don't think you say those things to someone if you truly love them.

It will all be fine MyWorstNightmare and you will come out the other side feeling so strong, nothing will phase you after doing this on your own. I have a really special bond with my DS and I could indulge in so many things without feeling remotely guilty that the house wasn't clean and tidy or there was nothing in for dinner etc. Truth be told, I'm a little bit anxious about having to partner up with someone this time around on all the routines and decisions etc! :)

OMG Myworstnightmare, that's terrible! Mine was a drunken accident which happened at the end of a long, drawn-out, painful break-up...and that's bad enough. But to walk out on a planned pregnancy? Disgraceful. You're better off without him.

I know Thelittleredhead I'm still in shock as to how he could do that. He says he freaked out and wishes he could take it back. The problem is, he can't. It's all such a mess and I just can't believe this has happened.

Hi Nightmare

I can't believe your situation, how awful. It must be so hard to deal with someone doing a 360 like that!

My situation is a little different as I had only been dating the baby's father for around 2 months when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a complete accident. For various reasons, I wouldn't consider an abortion and he assumed I would get rid of the baby. For about a week he said he didn't want to date me anymore but wanted to be friends and would be there for the child etc. One day he told me that he'd spoken to CSA and they said he wouldn't have to pay me anything as we weren't in a relationship (I assume he didn't actually make any calls as that isn't true). I was upset as I didn't understand why he brought up CSA at such an early stage and he told me to stop bothering him and blocked me on whatsapp. I text him later that week and he said he wanted to go our separate ways and blocked all communications. That was at 6 weeks and I haven't heard anything from him since. Perhaps he thought I wouldn't go through with it alone.

It has been a really difficult journey so far but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Going to appointments alone / with my mum or friend and seeing other happy couples. I used to burst into tears whenever I was asked a question about the father. But that part did get easier - now I can just say he's not involved without really giving it a second thought as it's become my reality. I've also found that people (even work colleagues etc) tend to ask less questions than I assumed they would.

I have had ups and downs as I've coped with this life changing situation (I've relocated to be nearer my family and bought my own flat - but am now away from my job and friends which involves a 3 hour commute). I've found the support of the perinatal team invaluable. If you find things difficult, I would definitely recommend a referral through your midwife.

I'd also recommend going to pregnancy yoga and other prep / exercise classes. It's been a great way to adjust to things, meet new mums and focus on the positives. I have signed up for NCT and I'm nervous about being surrounded by couples, but feel so much stronger to deal with that now.

Feel free to ask me any other questions X

Have just read through post and echo comments about pregnancy massage - a lovely treat! I've also ignored all the advice about not buying things for the baby until late. It's help me bond with my baby and accept the reality of the situation. I think it's harder to come to terms with when you're on your own.

Fifi I'm glad to hear you're coming out the other side stronger, how awful for you! They can be such cold, calculating b*ards can't they?

I've been really up and down already too and it's been less than a month since it happened. It took 2 & 1/2 weeks for him to actually do anything to try showing he cares. However, he was able to tell me how much CSA he'd have to pay within 3 days!!!

I've decided to start concentrating on me and the baby for now and try forget everything for a while. This should've been the happiest time of my life and all I've been doing is surviving. I want to be excited and happy and in order to get there, I need space. It's also really hard to stay strong with constant tugging on my heart strings and messing with my head. I didn't want this but actually found myself feeling sorry for him because he's going to miss out on so much?! It does seem like he truly regrets what he said now but he's made me doubt everything and I just dont think I can believe that part of him didn't mean them.

I've got my first midwife appointment this week and I'm dreading questions about my partner, it's so difficult. Do you have to ask to be referred to the perinatal team? I've been thinking about going for counselling too as I really think it would help me.

I had thought about pregnancy yoga too! I'll look out for some local classes and get booked in there after my scan (providing all is well, I know anything can happen at this early stage).

Thank you for all the advice, I'm sure I'll have more questions as time rolls on X

Sounds like you're thinking positively which is great I keep telling myself that it's a lot more 'normal' to be a single mum than pregnant and alone, so hoping things will just get better and better for us!

The questions at the booking appointment are tough but that's the only time I've been asked specifics about partner. The other times are just in passing (like is dad excited etc). I told my midwife the situation from the start and we skipped the partner section as I didn't know his medical history. I asked if I should try and contact him for info and she said there wasn't much point.

You need to be referred to perinatal team by midwife or GP. The service varies throughout the country - at the start of my pregnancy in London I had access to a psychotherapist who did sort of counselling sessions with me, CBT which I'm still doing and some support groups on keeping calm in pregnancy. In Wales, I have a mental health nurse who visits every month or so. It's quite an informal chat really just to talk about any worries etc. They can arrange extra support for birth too if you have been stressed or anxious in pregnancy.

I'm really trying to be positive! That's a great point, I'd never really thought about it that way. You're so right, it'll definitely be more 'normal' being a single mum.

Thanks for this information, I feel less worried about this appointment now. I know I'll end up crying but at least I know it's coming. I think I'll ask about referral if they don't suggest it, but hopefully they'll be used to things like this. I really think counselling would help me, I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

I've been round visiting my friend tonight and filling her in on my car crash of a life. I'm so lucky in so many ways, and it could always be worse I suppose! It's such a rollercoaster .

Sorry to hear you have had a difficult start to your pregnancy. I left my partner half-way through my pregnancy due to his unreasonable behaviour/emotional abuse. It was probably the most difficult decision I have had to make. I am just over 36 weeks now. Being on my own has made the pregnancy difficult to enjoy in some ways - no one to 'share' things with, there is no one to help you on a daily basis when you feel tired/sick, no one to put hands on bump when it starts to kick... However, as the weeks go by you DO start to feel stronger and if you have the support of friends and family, you will come to know that you are not really 'on your own'. People will rally round. It isn't ideal, or 'normal' but the baby will be loved and cared for and that is the main thing.
Although I haven't given birth yet, my tips for pregnancy would be:

• Do not go to NCT classes. I signed up for a term, went to one class and then decided I couldn't face going back and being surrounded by couples. Find someone in your area who offers private classes/weekend workshop.
• Try and get involved in mum-only classes like yoga etc.
• Decide who is going to be your birth partner and try and involve them early. My Mum is going to be mine and we did an active birth workshop last month.
• Don't worry about midwife appointments. They see single mums often (so my midwife told me) and they are generally very nice and supportive.

Good luck x