It looks like the homebirth is cancelled, so WTF do I put in hospital bag, WTF do I do if I go into labour at night, Why am I so scared plus 1000 other questions...

[LadyTophamHatt]

I know we all feel like this at this stage but TBH I'm freaking myself out with horrible things racing around my mind.

I've been convinced the PG would all go wrong right from the start and now it all seems to be coming true.

I'm absolutely petrified....and it's taken me until now to say that out loud.

I'm sick of worrying, I'm sick of listening to my self moan, I'm sick of it all.

I can't even word this post right with it sounding all disjointed. The title doesn't even scratch the surface of how shit I feel.

I'm sorry to be maoning again, it's all I ever do on here.
I'm just so miserable.

LTH. I am an old hippy weirdo but I wonder if you might try doing two things, which helped me a lot with my fears and fantasies about the horrific things that might happen when I was pregnant.

First sit down somewhere quiet (when the kids have gone to bed?) with a pen and some blank paper.

Write down all your fears. Every last one. Yes even that big one. but also all the little ones. stupid ones. I would expect at least two sides of A4, possibly more.

delve into your worst possible places and just write and write and keep writing.

Then get some matches or a lighter, take your paper over to the sink, and light it. burn it. then wash it down the sink.

NONE OF IT WILL COME TRUE. You've sent it all away. wash the ashes down the sink.

ALL GONE.

Now, talk to your baby. Tell it about your fears. Say you know it knows how scared you've been but that the two of you are going to get through this together and it's going to be fine. Acknowlege the baby's fears too. Talk to it! Talk about how well it's going to go and all your wishes for a lovely birth.

Feel free to spit on this post, but I really think these two things could help enormously.

so you are thinking, because you have allowed yourself to think of the worst, it now might happen? no, it won't...

and as nappies said, the consultant care will doubly help to ensure it doesn;t happen

an what sophable said.......

LTH, I herby BAN YOU from pregnancy threads other than your own. One of my best friends told me to stop reading them when I was pg with dd because I was doing that scaring myself thing too, ikwym.

Oh poor you. This stage is so horrible waiting for the unknown. I remember it so well. You will be fine and in the best hands. I agree that the internet doesn't help sometimes as you get to hear the horror stories. With dd1 I was blissfully ignorant and had a great time (well as good as it could be first birth etc). I discovered MN for dd2 and it was amazingly supportive in so many ways but I worried so much more. Do you feel like you are pushing your luck with a 4th having these beautiful healthy dc's already? I only ask as that is a STUPID thought that I had. If so realise that it is totally irrational. Things don't work that way. Your hormones are doing horrible things to you and you must be knackered what with Christmas and alreayd having 3 dc's.
I do agree with writing things down too. I was overseas for dd2 and had a few issues going on and spent alot of time crying and dreading the worst. One night I couldn't sleep and I got up and wrote it ALL down sobbing as I did it, what I feared, how angry I was with the consultants, officials at the hospital all these people making decisions about my birth. I wrote letters of complaint etc. At the time I was sure I would post them. Of course in the morning I was a bit more rational and I didn't but it felt SOOOOO good writing it down and I was able to sleep then etc. I also made dh read it so he understood more what I was going through. He was wonderful and it all went great in the end. I was induced and compared with dd1's water birth there was much more intervention than I would have ever wanted but do you know what it didn't matter. DD2 was here in 2 hours and it was all over, all the stresses and hideous thoughts I had had, all gone. You don't have long to go and you and baby will be just fine. They are keeping a good eye on you and that is a good thing even though it might not feel like it.
Good Luck

Ohh soph, that almost made me cry. I couldn't write it down though.
God, it's just stupid isn't it??

If I say it out loud, or write it down it makes it real. I tried to tell DH last night but theres really no way I can say it out loud. He knows I'm scared, and worried about it all but not the "worst fear" thing.

I do talk to him(the baby, not DH!!), I often ask him to fidget in there so I know he's alright and bloody hell! he;s the first child I've made who does as he's told.

WWW, I don't read many, but the scary titles seem to jump off the screen with massive gret neon lights around them.

he MW yesterday asked me if I had any pains or headaches etc (pre eclamsia sypmtons) which I didn't....so ofcourse today, I've had a banging head ache for ages.
goes my mind into paranoid overdrive.

Awwww LTH, please don't be scared, it will all be fine.

You are just tired and think that because this is baby No 4 and you already have 3 healthy ones, that something has to go wrong and that is just not true.
I felt like that when having Ds and I did actually have problems but they were all sortable, and they are involving the consultant to cover their own backs not cos they think something will go wrong.

Oh an have to say also, my mum is a HCA on a maternity ward, and if she had a £1 for every woman who said 'but they told me the baby was huge', then she'd be a rich woman.

actually i know someone who was sposed to have a 'huge' baby and he was nothing of the sort in the end either...

btw - i like sophables hippy ideas... if you really are driving yourself batty, give it a go, esp in the dead of the night when you cant sleep.

I'm feeling a little better after reading this thread back to myself.
I know how silly that fear is, how unlikely it is to happen, I know you're all right.

I really need to think happy positive thoughts for these remaining few days of the PG. I hate the fact that I haven't enjoyed being PG this time, it makes me feel really bad.
Thats another thing I worry about TBH.
Will it affect the way I feel after he's here? I really have found this PG hard work and I'd hate to feel that the baby was hard work too, I know its going to be hard work physically but I mean mentally IYSWIM.

Bloody hell what is wrong with me?
Somebody slap me.

Slap

Gentle slap, but slap none the less.

I really hated my second pregnancy, and I felt just as guilty as you that I might resent my baby for it when she arrived. Not a bit of it! You will love this baby completely, and he will love you, too.

I'm not a hippy, but I think Sophable's suggestions are lovely. Maybe not the writing bit, if you really can't (and I'm not sure i would either) but just think those thoughts for five minutes and let your baby reassure you. Then dismiss them.

is there a chance you are depressed?

I know I was. Rhubarb ran a great website about ante-natal depression - it really helped me. I don't know if it's still up. I'll put a message out for her.

I don't know Lulu. I know the whole PG has totally freaked me out so i suppose it could all be one big muddle in my head.

well, it sounds a bit more extreme than pre labour jitters..especially if you have been anxious for the entire pregnancy...

i found being pregnant with DD very hard work in some ways, my anxiety about ending up with another section obsessed me the whole way through.....consult referrered me to psychiatrist i had seen previously when had severe PND...was terribly anxious, and i am not like that at all ....was vomiting with nerves before my hospital appointment..never in my life has that happened to me..

LTH. do the writing down thing.

you are scared that your baby will die.
you are scared that there will be something very wrong when it is born.
you are scared that you will die.

fwiw, I don't know of anyone that doesn't have these fears when they are pregnant. They are natural.

do the writing thing.

Lulu, I'm very much like that too...usuually. Nothing my phases me, I'll just go along with what ever for an easy life and generally it always works out well.

But, honestly from the second that result came up +ve I've been freaked out. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over the shock.
I watched the colour drain from my face as I looked from the test to the mirror then back to the test.

The weird thing is that before I did the test(days and days before) I remember driving the car and being really conscience of the seat belt acroos me belly. I had that with the Ds's too and I remeber thinking "Bloody hell...I get that feeling when I'm PG...I can't be though.....of course I;m not"
This baby was concieved on day 8 of my cycle. The Ds's were all textbook day 12-16 babies.
That wierd seat belt thing kind of tells/told me that I did knwo I was PG even though hes' a day 8 baby.

So that inturn freaked me out too....that I knew I was wayyyy before I was able to officially find out.
Seeing the +ve result kind of almost scared me because I realised I knew my body so well....does that make sense?

Blimey...don't I go on??

it is good to know your body well..and be in tune with it....nothing wrong with that.....female intuition is quite wonderful, you should feel proud of yourself for knowing yourself so well

is it because this baby was an unexpected pregnancy, there is an element you feel, that you are pushing your luck,. and still cannot quite believe you are pregnant, even as you approach the due date?

have you addressed why it was so shocking?

LTH, I HATED being pregnant second time and was so utterly convinced that I was going to die that a friend sent me a congrats card with 'I knew you'd make it out alive' in it. So if it's abnormal (which I don't think it is) I was abnormal too.

Sophable...it's the first one you wrote.

Thats the BIG fear i have.

I have to say it out loud, don't I?
I know it's just words.
I know it's not going to come true just because I say it.

I just typed it here, but deleteed it because I can't make it go away if it on here. I can't deleted it once it's posted.

I'm going to write it on paper when the ds's go to bed.

Then, I'll make Dh read it so he knows.

Then I chuck it on the fire.

At least they KNOW that you might be having a great big baby and are preparing for it. Please don't be scared.

LTH, what is it about having got pregnant again, can you pinpoint why it was such a shock and untangle what the elements of that shock are?

I really feel for you, and also feel that you could really do with some help on this. Given that I'm almost certain you won't go and see someone, you'll have to get it here!!

I really really do feel for you.

x