Pregnant and BFF no longer speaking to me. Is this common?

[lotbyname]

Hi

So I found out I was pregnant on Monday, had an argument with my best friend on Tuesday and yesterday she said she no longer wants to speak to me. We've been friends for 12 years, live 10 mins away from each other and have no history of major arguments.

I though this was just an awful thing between us but searching for some help this morning I noticed that this might be a pattern. I know that my pregnancy has brought out her emotions over her own history in 2008.

Am I alone in this and is there hope that she might come back and be my friend again?

:(

If she's suffered a loss or been ttc for a long time then it would explain why she's behaving this way.

Think about the argument-who started it? What was it about? Was it over something petty?

Unless she's just using this row as an excuse to end the friendship then it sounds to me as if she's got her own issues to deal with and may come around eventually.

I have this. My ex-BFF is very anti-children but was coming around to the idea. She was very excited about me getting pregnant. Then her relationship fell apart (mine is aces) and she started posting a load of PA shit on FB about how evil children are and how women are pressured into getting pregnant around our age (30). When I challenged her on it (she wasn't experiencing any personal pressure herself, was just posting this stuff as a public service announcement, basically, not giving a shit how it might make me feel) she basically cut me off at about 5 months pregnant. I'm due in a week and we don't talk anymore.

As champagne said, these people have their own issues and think that your life choices are a comment on theirs. And they can't just be happy for you.

My close friend went cold on me when she found out I was pregnant. I'd text and get really short responses and no interest in meeting up so I stopped contacting her. Haven't heard anything now in 2 weeks and it remains to be seen if I do.

I agree with champagne, this might be incredibly hard for her if she has had a loss or is dealing with infertility.

heaven without wishing to sound harsh, I think you need to think what your friend might be dealing with too. I've been on the other side and no matter how happy you are for a friend getting pregnant, it can be incredibly hard to cope with. She might be really struggling but doesn't want to burden you with it or put a downer on your news.

I had a friend a was very close to, she was my ds1's godmother. We've drifted apart, as it sometimes happens but remained Facebook friends and although we no longer met up I still cared about her and enjoyed seeing the updates on her family. I never announced my last pregnancy on Facebook but did announce the birth. She immediately unfriended me. Not a word of explanation. It was hurtful but I guess she just has her own issues. Still not nice though

I'd just leave her be for now. Clearly her own issues, but that really isn't your problem.

Hi

Sorry you're feeling a bit alone op but I can 100% understand where your friend is coming from. I suffered infertility for 28 months and 2 miscarriages, luckily I'm 9w tomorrow so fingers crossed. When I was going through all that crap as soon as anyone I knew announced a pregnancy I hid them on Facebook, stayed away from them and made up excises as to why I couldn't meet up. I would think that you have done nothing wrong and it is your friends way of keeping herself sane. I'm sorry if it seems overly harsh on you but coming from the other side, where your friend may well be, it is all about self preservation and trying to hold yourself together. I hope in the long run you can become friends again but I would advise you not to push it and if you can keep the updates on your pregnancy to yourself and not share them with her unless she specifically asks. I know it's incredibly hard to understand how people would react so badly to your pregnancy however after going through all of this myself I've made the decision nothing about my pregnancy will be on Facebook until we are leaving the hospital (not saying you should do this at all, just trying to explain how torturous infertility is and how it will affect me forever). It is torture hearing people moan about morning sickness, bad back, being kicked when it is all you want in your life and have done for years.

Of course this is all assuming she is going through tough times herself. If not then hopefully it's just a blip and you'll get over your fall out soon

Cheapredwine I do understand that my friend may have problems as well. I have been on the other side with miscarriages etc too which she is fully aware of. She has always maintained to me she doesn't want children. But as well as going cold on me I had various hurtful comments made to me and I can't keep putting myself forward for that as much as I'd like to help her if she is struggling.

As you haven't said what happened in 2008, nor what this argument in 2016 was about, it's a bit difficult to tell what is going on.

It takes two to have an argument, or do you mean she just started laying in to you?

OP I do hope you manage to get things sorted with your friend.

Hi Guys

Thanks so much for your responses, it really helped to sooth some of my upset and well... I'm going to call it grief.

I've definitely decided to focus on how hard this is for her. I don't want to talk about her miscarriage, largely as she never would. Which is telling. Suffice to say is was horrible, she had no support and is now unlikely to have children. :( I knew this was an issue but my whole pregnancy happened so fast and then we fell out so fast I think neither of us had time to deal with it.

I'm going to hope she can forgive me and that this will push to get the help I think she has needed.

Let this be a learning to anyone reading this - MAKE SURE YOU ADDRESS YOUR FRIENDS POSSIBLE DIFFICULTIES ASAP. This has to be the most emotive issue and you can lose people. :(

Now to work out how to turn off those facebook memories so I don't get beaten around the face with all the happy time we had together every morning.

A friend and colleague of mine has been behaving quite erratically around me this week. We both went through IVF last year (her in August and me in September) - mine worked and hers failed. She has just been through her second round and was due to find out today if it had worked. She has gone from telling me everything to completely shutting me out. So I have no idea if it has worked and I don't want to ask in case it upsets her. She has been extremely low this week so I have a feeling it's not worked out. I do know how she feels but I think she is struggling to deal with the fact my treatment worked. I guess if her second cycle has failed the last person she wants to talk to is me. It doesn't help that everyone at work (really small office) seems to really enjoy talking about my pregnancy and it makes me feel quite uncomfortable because of how my friend is feeling. It's not easy and there's nothing I can do or say that will make things better for her. I felt like such a failure as a human being because I couldn't conceive without help and no words of comfort would have helped ease the sense of loss I was feeling. I'll be here for her when she's ready.

Im sure your friend will come around when she gets her head around the situation. And you can't not live your life just so that you don't upset someone else as harsh as that sounds.
My best friend became more distant when i found out i was pregnant then kept making comments any time i said i was tired or looking forward to finishing work, saying she was jealous and that id soon be able to stay in bed all day. Which annoyed me because i was hardly leaving my job just to be a lady of leisure!
Hopefully your friend can learn to be happy for you