told I couldnt have children, now 6 weeks pregnant and my partner doesnt want it

[peepsxx]

Hey, I dont know if things like this are talked about here, but im breaking. Im 28 and so is my partner. Its a verynew relationship of only a year. We both unfortunately live with our parents, finance is not great due to him starting a new career, our lives are not great to bring a child into it. The problem is I have 2 blocked tubes, endometriosis and polycystic ovaries and was told this would never happen to me. I broke, mended and got to a point I was ok with this...its taken 8 years mind you! He is absolutely firm on he does not want this child...and there is only 1 decision and I would destroy his life if I go through with it! My family think its a miracle etc...my head is fried...could this be my only chance? Couldi work this out? And if his mind isnt changed how can I destroy someones life I love?

28 is a good age to have a child and sounds like your family would be supportive. Rule him out of the decision making, this is about you and what you want. I get the feeling your relationship won't go the distance and he could easily waltz off and have children if he wants to.

You have to think how much you might regret not taking this chance and if you could cope with that.

Good luck!

You clearly want to keep the baby, keep the baby.

You would resent him forever if you did abort. Your relationship would definitely be ruined. It might be ruined if you don't abort but you'd have a baby!! If you want to be a mother one day I think you should keep it. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

When I was struggling to conceive my daughter last year in my late 30s, I looked back and deeply regretted a termination I had for the same reason in my early 20s. That relationship broke down without a baby. Having a daughter is the best thing in my life ever. With a supportive family no reason not to bring this child into the world.

It seems to me that you want the baby so my advice is to keep your baby and let him go. You are the most important person in your life not him, all you need is for you to be OK and happy and healthy and what you choose to do with your body and your pregnancy is your decision. If I'm right and you do want your baby then congratulations that's amazing news!

You sound lovely and you obviously love him as you are trying so hard to see his point of view.

I'm sorry but I don't think he loves you in the same way - or he would be discussing this momentous news like an adult. Not trying to bully and blackmail you or by announcing that all his friends think that you are selfish too.

Take him out of the equation - I don't think your relationship will last - which would you rather be - a single mother or single and (quite possibly forever) childless? There is not a right answer here - just the right answer for you.

You won't 'destroy his life' what a load of cobblers! His minimum involvement is paying maintenance, after that it's up to him how involved he is. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume this is a massive shock and he needs time to come to terms with it. He might turn out to be a great father, but you can't rely on it.

Do you want, at any point in your life, to have a baby? If the answer is yes then seize the chance you've been given.
He has plenty of time to father children when he's older, financially better off, in a more committed relationship etc.
You might never get another opportunity.

This is a no brainier. Keep the baby. You might never get a chance again.

Also if you get a termination and regret it that regret will last a lot longer than your memory of him. Sorry to sound harsh!

If you had a termination, then would it be for you or for him? Do you think you could have a relationship with this man after? My instincts in reading your posts are no, you couldn't so you would leave this with nothing. This seems to be a turning point. Could you live knowing you may not have taken your only opportunity to have kids? I'm betting you could live without him though.

Whatever decision you make, make it with you and only you in mind.

You've not mentioned lack of family. I assume you've got a good support network... You can totally do this without him.

He is an utter cunt. Get shot of him and keep your baby.

Destroy his life? Melodramatic codswallop.

But perhaps complying with his wishes could destroy your life more to lose your only chance of being a mother to a much wanted child?

Basically it seems your short term choice is a) Being a single mother to this child or b) Being the child-free girlfriend of this charming man.

Okay so you were told that your chances of conceiving were low/unlikely but bluntly that was never an excuse for unprotected sex. I'm really not having a go at you. Your partner knew he was having unprotected sex with you and that always carries a risk no matter how small.

You are now pregnant. It is your body and your choice, you can't make him be a father but you can decide if now is the right time for you to become a mother and if you can face that as a lone parent.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy (and I think you will) he has a right and a moral obligation to have a relationship with the child he also has a legal duty to provide financially.

Aww, congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don't let him take away the joy of such a wonderful time at least while you make your decision. Particularly as you say it took 8 years to begin to come to terms with possibly not conceiving. That must have been a really tough time for you. I'd reach out to your family in helping you through this but don't give up what could be your only chance if you want to have a child. Ivf or adoption could be options but are gruelling and offer no guarantees of a child. Furthermore, you say you'd come to terms with things but the grief of childlessness can for some women re-surface as they get older e.g. approaching 40, menopause or when friends start having grandchildren. He knows he'll be able to conceive easily elsewhere when convenient for him.

From what you've said this may well be your only chance and you do want a baby therefore my two cent would be to ditch the boyfriend, advise him that you can't be with someone who is selfish enough to demand and attempt to coerce you into giving up your only chance of motherhood.
It sounds like your family are over the moon so I'm sure they will give you all the help and support that you need and realistically if you stay with this man regardless of the baby issue you will always remember that when you needed his love and support all he could think about was himself. That knowledge will be a niggling black cloud over you as long as you remain with him. There are better men out there who will be kind and loving enough to be your backup not your enemy

If uou keep the baby it sounds like he will never forgive you. If you abort, it sounds like you will never forgive him. What a tough situation. It sounds like the relationship may not survive this, and so you will need to think about what you really want yourself, without him in the equation, as hard as that may be.

Btw, as someone who has gone through 6 rounds of IVF, it's no easy option. If you think that may be your only option in the future, remember that most NHS trusts are now only offering 1-2 rounds for free and it takes 3 on average to succeed. After that it is £5k a go.

Are you ok op?

Well, lets look at the facts.

*

Negatives:

1. Fatherhood doesn't appeal to him, so you could be looking at single motherhood.
2. You'll have to deal with some nasty comments from his friends. (boo-hoo)
3. Unless he steps up, the kid will have a shitty father.

Positives:

1. You really want to be a mummy.
2. You don't need his consent to continue the pregnancy.
3. You have a great support network.
4. Your baby has it's tiny little heartbeat at just 5 weeks. The baby is a miracle, despite the odds - it's fought for it's current little existence.
5. You'll be an amazing mum to the child you never thought you could have.
6. All of the benefits of motherhood are now open to you. If you close that door now, it's highly likely that it will close forever.
7. You've only been together with this bloke for a year. Your child will be with you for life.

Conclusion:

For you, the positives seem to far outweigh and cancel out the negatives. You have a good support network to rely on, so if he opts out you aren't alone. It's very easy for his friends to gang up on you when they only care about his side of the equation. Let them bitch, people come and people go. Ignore them and don't even bother to read their nasty messages. Block them on Facebook, Mark their emails as spam, ring your network provider and get your number changed (it's usually free the first time) and be done with it. If they continue to hassle you, log the abuse and call the police. You have more protection then you think. If he is a shitty father and disappears into the woodwork, never forget that you will be the most important person in your babys life. You are their whole world, so it won't matter anyway really, will it? In the grand scheme of things.

I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but it does seem uncanny, doesn't it? That this tiny life has been able to take root despite the health problems you mentioned in your original post. It would be interesting to know what you are going to name your little bean ;)

I just had my 12 week scan and it's an amazing thing to watch a little alien bouncing around in your uterus. I've got the pictures up on my bookcase. You may never get to experience that if you terminate.

The only choice is to have the baby. Trust me it's the right choice. If he is not supporting you now and doesn't share your joy at this actual miracle then you can't trust him - he does not have your best interests at heart.

I've been in almost exactly the same situation. The guy nagged me to have a termination - which I did. But we broke up anyway.

I don't mean to sound harsh and I could be totally wrong... But I would put money on the fact you two will most likely break up anyway. The real choice is your life and your future. Soon your fertility will decline further and what seemed difficult will really become utterly impossible. You just need to decide if you want the baby. And if you personally don't want it then have the termination. It's your life and your choice.

You are employed and have a good support network - you are way ahead of a lot of women having children in this country, who have no money or support. It may not be the nuclear family we are all told to want but that's ok - you would still have an amazing life.

And if you do have the baby and he does come around - than yay

It's such a personal decision but I have to say if I'd been told I could never have children and then I got pregnant, I think I would have to keep it.

At the end of the day any time a man has sex he knows there is a possibility of his partner getting pregnant and he has to take some personal responsibility for that. It's not like you told him you were on the pill when you weren't, or something similar.

Single motherhood is hard but for me I think in this instance the pros would outweigh the cons.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

but he says in his head he would have no choice as he couldnt do that to a child but it would be me making him do it and not through his choice

Oh and that's a load of guilt tripping bollocks, but the way. It's entirely his choice one way or the other. Grown ups do have to make difficult choices

Hope you're ok OP. Just wanted to say my friend (we are a bit older) had exactly the same experience. Her BF freaked out, told her she would get no support from him etc etc. She did decide to terminate, with the knowledge that this may be her one and only chance on the basis that she didn't think she could cope with forever having a tie to that feckless selfish git (sorry he makes me very angry) and she didn't think she was strong enough to bring up child on her own. So she also broke off the relationship and moved away. It was the right decision for her, she is getting on, living her life and having amazing experiences she never could have had with a small baby. The pain is still raw though.

Think as everyone says just need to take him out the picture, and think about what you want and whether if this is your only chance you want to take it. IVF is painful, expensive and no guarantee of success.

I don't think you should downplay how hard it is to bring kids up as a single parent, I have no idea how people manage and have massive respect for anyone who does it, but many many people do. Just think it is something need to be realistic about.

To be upfront, babies do change your life, absolutely and in ways I could never have imagined, I really don't want to influence you one way or another but do feel have to say my daughter has bought me joy that I never knew existed, the two years since she was born have made me so happy.

All the very best whatever you decide to do.

I'm sorry but i just have to say, my boyfriend and I have been together for less than 6 months. I'm pregnant and him and his family are 100% supportive. I understand you have these reproductive problems and was told you couldn't have children, I had anorexia throughout my teenage years to my early twenties, and I was shocked when I got pregnant. but the universe works in mysterious ways. Surely if your mister really cared about you and loved you, he'd understand your family's joy. Practical stuff like money, you could get all that stuff sorted. its your body not his, do you want this baby? Hope everything works out xx

Ok, just to give the dp the benefit of the doubt here for a minute, if a woman found out that she was pregnant and it was unplanned, and she said that it would ruin her life no-one would judge her for saying that. An unplanned pregnancy can come as just as much of a shock to a man as a woman, women don't get the monopoly on being allowed to be upset at being unexpectedly pregnant. What the woman does have is the choice of whether to continue the pregnancy or not.

Personally I think that not using contraception even if you' ex been told that you can't conceive is incredibly naive and careless. And in that sense both are at fault. I know all too many people who have been told that they are infertile or have limited fertility, and who then find themselves pregnant because they thought it was ok not to use contraception. In fact I remember when I decided to stop TTC and saying to my then DH that we should start taking precautions, and his response was that nothing would happen anyway so there didn't seem much point. My response to that was that we'd managed to have one child together and I didn't want to be the woman who found myself pregnant at 43 or so having decided years ago to stop ttc. Ironically he has just had a baby with his now DP.

Op, only you can decide what you want to do here. The fact that you were told you couldn't have children doesn't necessarily mean that you wanted them, only you know the answer to that. If you weren't ready to have a baby at this point there is nothing that says you have to continue the pregnancy. You don't have to feel pressured into continuing the pregnancy just because you feel this might be your only chance. Similarly however if you want this baby, then no-one can make you have a termination.

You do need to think about how you will manage, do you have support? And while your dp may be disinterested now and the relationship may end as a result of this, if you do continue the pregnancy, you will be bound to him for the rest of your lives through this baby. And at some point he may actually pursue a relationship with this child, and that will mean potentially co parenting with someone you no longer have a relationship with, having future step parents in your child's life, having to juggle contact etc, or manage disappointment if he turns out not to be a reliable father. I'm not saying any of this to put you off, but all of these are things you need to consider when you have children with someone who likely won't stay in your life.

Fwiw I am not trying to put you off continuing this pregnancy. Personally I would have the baby, but life just isn't always that black and white, and if you have doubts then they do need to be explored along with any thoughts of the future. Good luck.