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Original poster

He wants me to have an abortion...

107 replies

michelle86 · 14/11/2015 22:09

Hello guys,
I've come on here in despair, I've no idea what to do.
I'm a mum of two children (aged 6.5 and 5) I was in a relationship with their father for 9 years and he left us in March this year for another woman and her two children. He is fantastic with our children, sees them regularly but we are without a doubt done.
I started a relationship in august this year with an amazing man who has two children and had recently split with his wife. We fell in love very quickly and were extremely happy.
In October we had a mishap with contraception and I immediately took the morning after pill the very next day - it didn't work and I am now 4 weeks 5 days pregnant.
Since telling him (on Thursday) he has come clean that he is in fact STILL married and he can't have another child that's going to destroy the lives of his children as he fears his wife will take them away from him.
I have no idea whether I am coming or going, I was in love with someone who I clearly didn't even know, I'm carrying his baby and this evening he has told me that once this 'little situation' is sorted it's best we go our separate ways as this has put things into perspective for him - he can't risk upsetting his own children.
I went to see my GP yesterday and I am booked into have a surgical abortion on the 24th November but I really don't think I can go through with it. But can I be a single mum to 3 children by 2 different fathers? Does this innocent life deserve to have a father that doesn't care? Would abortion be best for everyone?
I'm so scared and frightened, none of my family know because they'll think I've just been sleeping with a married man and I'd be mortified if they thought badly of me.
Any advice would be so very much appreciated... M x

OP posts:
mamapoppins23 · 17/11/2015 01:01

My god, oh bless you- you have been through an awful lot. If this man is not supporting you now anyway, do what's best for you and your children. He entered a family and it is disgusting for him to have done this to you. You don't deserve to be treated that way, your a mother! It's your body, your choice. If you want an abortion/ keep it. It's your decision most certainly not his.

Dogsmom · 17/11/2015 07:48

Glad to hear you've got a good friend you can talk to and the counselling is a great idea to give unbiased help.

Regarding his wife don't worry about it, I bet you weren't the first and she's probably a lovely woman too who's being manipulated by this guy. You could always keep any texts/Facebook messages as evidence for peace of mind.

All the best for Wednesday.x

LouLou030783 · 17/11/2015 09:42

How awful is he I would say stay away from him and make the decision yourself.

I've been in an similar situation however went through with the termination and the person who was meant to love me was texting while I was in hospital saying is it done yet, I felt forced in to it but looking back it was right decision for me as I wouldn't have coped however I regret it every single day.

I'm sure whatever decision u make it will be the right one for you and no one else just remember that.. Don't let anyone force u in to a decision either way

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/11/2015 11:53

He has made his decision, that he doesn't want a child but unfortunately it's not as simple as that. The mistake has already been made so it's not just about what he wants. His thoughts are noted but don't necessarily lead to it happening the way he wants.

You have your own decision to make and considering his position, it's now an independent decision for you alone. I think that an abortion is nothing to be ashamed of or anything that defines you and your future but if you feel it would damage you, then it's not necessarily the right thing for you.

If you go ahead, no doubt you will love the child and do a good job of being it's mother. You may have this man in your life in some form forever but that is the downside to this choice.

At this point, it really is your decision to make.

Kaytee1987 · 18/11/2015 08:20

Do not have an abortion unless you're sure it's what you want, you will never forgive yourself otherwise. If you're sure that you will love this child then everything else will fall into place. I'm so sorry that this 'man' has put you in this position, but you need to listen to yourself and no one else, it's your body xx

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 18/11/2015 08:38

What an asshat this man is. So sorry OP.

No real advice but I hope the counseling goes well today. I was pressured into a termination in a similar situation many years ago and I have never forgotten it. That's not to say it wasn't the right decision, but I wish I had made it for myself iykwim.

Un MN-y hugs Smile

Borninthe60s · 18/11/2015 09:04

The bottom line is do you want this baby or not? Taking all the circumstances out of the equation, deep down ask yourself is this what you really want. Then start thinking about how you'll manage etc.

If you decide to keep the baby the first thing you need to do is go and see his wife and explain that you believed he was separated and you would never have had a relationship with him had you know he was married.

Good luck.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 18/11/2015 09:17

Just wanted to add my support OP. I have been on the wrong end of a married man who lied too so I know how dreadful that is. Good luck.

chillycurtains · 18/11/2015 09:21

I think the problem is you will suffer terribly with regret forever if you have this abortion because you don't want to do it. It would be completely different if you did. He is a man who you won't be with after this so he should not be making your decisions.

Do you need to explain every detail to your family and friends? Can you just say you had a ill advised relationship that you thought was serious and then he left when you feel pregnant? They don't need to know that much about him ie. that he was married. Don't feel guilty OP. He fooled you in to thinking he was serious. You didn't do anything wrong.

You sound like you are a great mum who is very capable. I am sure you could be a singe mum to three.

You need to make your decision based on you and your future. You don't need to do anything this man tells you. You certainly don't need to consider what he, his wife or kids think.
Flowers

prettywhiteguitar · 18/11/2015 09:40

I think you sound like you are coping very well in the circumstances ! That man is a complete dick and really doesn't deserve you time or heart.

Now I'm going to give you some cautionary advise about coping with three children, I do every school run and pick up and three/four nights of the week I do homework/ tea/ bedtime alone due to dh's hours. My baby is not sleeping at all and he's nearly 8 months, dh was up last night with him after I had gone to bed and then I was up at 4,5,6am with little naps in there.
It's bloody hard and I rely on my 7tr old to help out with the 4yr old. They both love love love the baby ! But if they didn't it would be very hard.

I'm not saying don't do it. But be prepared to ask for help cause I would be on my knee's without dh. However I don't have any family help at all, I use a babysitter for the baby but he is super clingy and doesn't like it more than once a week. I also run my own business and feel a little like I'm firefighting constantly.

That said I was a single parent to ds and I wouldn't change anything for the world, it's just v.hard.
Good luck and knee posting, mn is great for venting Flowers

Epilepsyhelp · 18/11/2015 09:42

Not 100% on point but if you do decide for your own reasons to go ahead with the abortion do you absolutely have to have a surgical? It sounds like the procedure itself is traumatising you a little.

Either way do not see this man again and do not feel like you are not being 'chosen' - if you were it would be to continue with an affair or to abandon his wife and small children for you - could you really want that?

prettywhiteguitar · 18/11/2015 09:42

Sorry didn't make a lot of sense there but you get the general picture, 6 days of the week I'm coping mostly on my own and I love it but it's hard.

PrimalLass · 18/11/2015 09:46

Tell him where to go, then go through the CSA. How he explains it to his wife is not your problem.

RoTo72 · 18/11/2015 09:51

I was a single parent to ds from he was two to two yrs ago. He is 15 now. He has asd. It wasn't easy at all. But he's my son and I would do it all over 100 times for him. Admittedly he was only one, but with autism thrown into the mix, it was like having a house full.

RoTo72 · 18/11/2015 09:52

I agree primal. She has nothing to explain to his wife, he was the one having the affair, op wasn't aware he was still married

Everythinggettingbigger · 18/11/2015 12:39

OP im so sorry you are going through this it sounds like an absolutely awful situation, hes the idiot (by the way to the PP that called him a fucknugget that is possibly the best insult I have ever seen!!) not you, he cheated on his wife not you, if she cant see that then they deserve eachother.

From your posts it really really seems like going through with the termination is something you will deeply regret. If your Mum loves your kids now she will love this one too, it might take some time for her to come round but she will once she see's it.

Good Luck and please don't make any decision based on what this fucknugget wants so it doesn't mess up his life.....hes already done that by letting it out of his pants. Flowers

KeyboardMum · 18/11/2015 17:57

Whoa, whoa, hang on. Is this about his children, or is it really about him? Has he even considered your feelings? He sounds very selfish and immature. You aren't 'just a bit of fun on the side'. You are your own women, beautiful and unique in your own way. You deserve to feel loved and safe, not humiliated. He sounds like a rat.
If you don't want to abort the pregnancy, then don't abort it. However, keeping the child will keep you permanently attached to this slug of a man who seems to like shirking his responsibilities.

Duckdeamon · 18/11/2015 18:08

You were not knowingly the OW. You can decide whether to tell his wife later. By the way I don't like you calling his wife "her": not her fault she's married to such a dick!

What other people might think if you keep the baby isn't relevant.

financial and practical considerations seem important, eg can you cover childcare costs for 4 years before DC3 starts school, how you feel about being a single parent to three DC including a newborn, etc.

One of the disadvantages of having the baby is that assuming he wants contact with his DC3 you will need to deal with this dick for many years to come. It will also be disruptive for your current DC.

KeyboardDad · 18/11/2015 18:38

What a fucker. I'm so sorry you've been betrayed like this, by both guys, really pisses me off. My little brother, ten years my junior, grew up without a dad because of domestic violence, and mum could've gone to the doctors, but she didn't, and instead, we raised him as part of our pack, and if anything happened to him now, I'd be distraught. You have to do what you think is right, and inside you, you have an instinct. You have to follow it, and this bloke, whoever the f*ck he is, disregard him. He is a lowlife, and has shown you his true colours, and nothing he says to you can be trusted.

I hope you do what your instinct tells you to do, and your family, if they're worth their salt, will support you through this.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

PacificDogwod · 18/11/2015 21:12

I am very glad you have been able to tell your friend and that she, by the sounds of it, reacted so supportive.
I am also pleased to read that you will be seeing a counsellor.
I really hope that everything will work out for you Thanks

I think it's true (and very unfair) that 'the woman is always to blame' - bad enough that a patriarchal society is designed like that but please don't put that 'blame' upon yourself. YOU did not break any marriage vows, HE did.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
michelle86 · 21/11/2015 16:32

Im almost 6 weeks... And this was me last night. I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining this but I feel so pregnant already and pretty sure I look it too😔 I'm booked into the clinic for weds but seeing this has made me feel absolutely terrible.

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 21/11/2015 16:45

Do what you feel is right OP. I was in a similar position at the beginning of the year, it's very hard but I'm happy with the decision I made. I hope you get there too Flowers

starlight2007 · 21/11/2015 22:40

How are you feeling about things? have you been to the counselling?

Original poster
michelle86 · 25/11/2015 19:08

So today I went to the clinic to go ahead with the termination, to discover I'm pregnant with twins... I'm 5 weeks and 5 days with twins. Absolutely no trace of twins in either family.
I had to leave the clinic, I couldn't go ahead with it.
Need to get my head around this one, some part of me is really excited and the other absolutely petrified...

OP posts:
Kaytee1987 · 25/11/2015 19:12

Aw what a surprise. Not sure if I should say congratulations or not tbh, how are you feeling huni? Xx

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