He wants me to have an abortion...

[michelle86]

Hello guys,
I've come on here in despair, I've no idea what to do.
I'm a mum of two children (aged 6.5 and 5) I was in a relationship with their father for 9 years and he left us in March this year for another woman and her two children. He is fantastic with our children, sees them regularly but we are without a doubt done.
I started a relationship in august this year with an amazing man who has two children and had recently split with his wife. We fell in love very quickly and were extremely happy.
In October we had a mishap with contraception and I immediately took the morning after pill the very next day - it didn't work and I am now 4 weeks 5 days pregnant.
Since telling him (on Thursday) he has come clean that he is in fact STILL married and he can't have another child that's going to destroy the lives of his children as he fears his wife will take them away from him.
I have no idea whether I am coming or going, I was in love with someone who I clearly didn't even know, I'm carrying his baby and this evening he has told me that once this 'little situation' is sorted it's best we go our separate ways as this has put things into perspective for him - he can't risk upsetting his own children.
I went to see my GP yesterday and I am booked into have a surgical abortion on the 24th November but I really don't think I can go through with it. But can I be a single mum to 3 children by 2 different fathers? Does this innocent life deserve to have a father that doesn't care? Would abortion be best for everyone?
I'm so scared and frightened, none of my family know because they'll think I've just been sleeping with a married man and I'd be mortified if they thought badly of me.
Any advice would be so very much appreciated... M x

I think you need to stop and think about what you want. How you will manage, make room, sleepless nights etc, because you will be doing it alone. He seems very keen for you to terminate, how do you think he will react to you keeping it? Do you feel safe telling him? Can he financially help out?
I really feel for you, and once you decide what you want, you`ll feel stronger.

Woah you need to take a step back.

This guy sounds like a waste of space who doesn't deserve you. If he has lied about being married (!) what else does he keep from you..,,

You would not be the first woman to be a single mum to 3 children. Of course it would be hard but not impossible.

I know what I would do but one things for sure... SLOW DOWN!

Agree with what others have said. He sounds like a selfish and heartless *!#%, and I think that you should take some time to think things through without his interference. I'm sure that your mum and your friends would be on your side, especially when you tell them how he has behaved. Can you try and talk to them? Massive hugs, I really feel for you xxx

I do see the reasons why I should go ahead with a termination and why I shouldn't.
I have deleted his number and blocked him from Facebook/ whatsapp etc so he can't get hold of me for a while.
I'm just heading out to walk my dogs to clear my head and hope that my brain just allows me to think a bit.
I feel so selfish that my thoughts are still so vague because I'm hurting over that idiot, not being 'enough', me and his child not being 'enough' him not wanting to burst his perfect little family at home.
I have so much anger in me that he's going home to 'her' his children and living such a huge lie and I'm sat on my own in this situation feeling the way I feel. How can I let him get away with that?! So angry!
Yet I KNOW I need to forget about these thoughts and concentrate on this baby and do I go ahead with this or not...

I think you need to consider some of the points Sally has made up thread, completely separately from your interactions with this fucknugget. It's a big jump going from two to three, especially on your own. Sounds like your business is ticking along nicely- how will having a newborn/toddler/preschooler with no help from a partner impact on your ability to run it efficiently? Will you be able to cope financially? Will you be able to cope emotionally if dickwad turns nasty (which he will)? How do you feel about this child having no involvement with its dad when it's older siblings see theirs so frequently? Your kids have gone through a lot in the last nine months already, how do you think they would deal with a new sibling right now?

These might be complete non-issues but please do consider them. You're lucky in that you've found out quickly and that gives you plenty of time to think. Please do not have any hesitation in telling that ballbag you're not doing it on the 24th if you need more time or wish to talk about it with someone, or if you've decided ending the pregnancy is not what you want to do. Good luck

Michelle, you're getting over being dumped and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and you're coping. You are "enough" for the vast majority of decent people who do not lie to and then get unsuspecting women pregnant.

If you don't want an abortion then don't have one.

If you really don't think you could cope with another baby would you consider adoption? but if you couldn't consider adoption and are still not yet sure then think about what it is that you want and can deal with.

Being a single parent is hard even when the father is in the picture as you know. And having a baby can be relentless, even more so if you don't have support. That doesn't mean by any means that you should go ahead and terminate this pregnancy, but there are of course wider implications, not least the fact this baby will have other siblings which are not your children and which it may want to get to know at a later stage. But whatever you decide this is ultimately your decision.

I would make it very clear though to the father that you are making whatever decision in your own right and he has no say in what you do. Also, I would suggest to him that he might like to consider now the time to tell his wife about what he's been up to so it doesn't come as too much of a shock to her when the CSA come knocking.

Michelle - he's Behaving like this because he's a selfish bastard . It's not because you are " not enough " is any way .

And as others have said, YOU didn't have an affair because you didn't know he was still married . It's not your fault .

You both used contraception, but it's not 100% reliable . That's not your fault .

Please stop blaming yourself for the situation you are in . Blame won't help you now , you need to look at the options open to you and work out the pros and cons . You don't need to do any of this to HIS timescale , although of course there is a time limit on your termination options.

If you decide to keep the baby, don't think that you need to tell everyone about the baby's father being married . You don't. You just say that the father isn't around anymore - you had a short relationship and it didn't work out .

Yes he has to pay child support . I think he would be very keen to do this without any fuss, if he wants to stop his wife finding out .

It's sad that he wouldnt to see his child, but lots of kids are in this situation and they cope ok. After all , your child will have loving siblings and mum.

Can I just say that you do have another option, which is to have the baby but place them for adoption ? It's not an easy route , but it's right for some women and their families . However , the baby's father would be interviewed to see if he or anyone in his family wanted to bring up the child , and that might not be acceptable to you.

Sorry x posted with wanna be < must learn to type faster >

You poor lady, very upset for you.

I know some men can go into "panic" at thought of baby even if planned and then they "get it" but sounds like this one is just an arsehole I'm afraid.

I think as far as the baby is concerned it's your body it's your choice, what ever you choose is going to be difficult as despite him being an arsehole you obviously had some feelings for the person you thought he was - I just feel so sorry for you

Be strong, rely on friends and family make the decision that is right for you not him.

Good luck

This man is being manipulative as he is married to the mother of his own children he will be entitled to access and paternal rights I wouldn't let him control your decision or manipulate it in any way by suggesting it will affect his existing family life.He made a decision to have sex with you and has to respect your decision.Sounds downright nasty.

He sounds so petulant, he doesn't deserve to have any influence at all in your decision and you've done exactly the right thing in cutting contact.

I had a termination years ago that was based on my fears of how I'd cope and regret it so much, hindsight is a great thing and now I have 2 dd's I know that yes I could have coped, things seemed so huge at the time but looking back they really weren't.
I'm not saying don't do it but don't let him push you into it.
Maybe talk to a professional who can help you go through every scenario with a level head.

You do have so much more restraint than me, I'd have been knocking on his door by now to tell his wife what an asshole she's married to!

I hope things seem clearer to you soon once the dust starts to settle.

He made the choice to lie to you. He knows how babies are made and knew it was a risk having sex with someone while married.
He must also have lied to his wife.
He thinks by making sure you have a termination and then dumps you he can brush it all under the carpet,
He's now absolutely shitting himself that his lies are now going to be revealed but guess what - it's not your fault.
Do what you want to do for yourself and no one else.
Having a baby on your own won't be easy but having a termination you don't really want isn't either.
Good luck.

I think, if you can, sit down and number crunch your finances and seek out what kind of day to day support you will get from family and what you can buy in e.g. cleaner etc if you can. At least just to arm yourself with information about what the future will be like on a day to day basis. I know you are a single mum now, but previously in the early days you were supported in a partnership.

In any case, I agree you should tell this 'man' you are absolutely uninterested in his opinion. But, if you have a child together you will be tied to him for life one way or another. He may decide he wants to be involved with your child in months/years down the line, and you need to think about how you would cope with his involvement of potentially waltzing in and out. He has legal rights to be involved if he chooses to be. And how his family might treat your child when he is older etc. You shouldn't ever feel that this child would be a secondary child to him or less important than his others, but you may have to fight to make sure your child never feels like that, as the father is such an asshole.

I think you sound like a lovely mum, though. I'm sure you will make the best decision for you either way. Don't be pressured by him. There will be people cheering you on and helping you fight your corner in real life I'm sure.

Disregard his wishes OP because he obviously doesn't deserve to have them respected.
Do you want another baby??
Maybe this baby was meant to be??
Don't think about what others will think of you either, you must make the right decision for you& your children. If you decide not to continue the pregnancy then that's ok too but make the decision yourself. I hope you have somebody to confide in, hugs

Take him out of the equation. What do you want to do?

Are you ok? X

I agree, if he wasn't giving you an opinion what would you want yo do ?

I think you need to out the needs of your existing choldren ahead of your own emotions. They already have a disrupted life. Adding another sibling by a second father and all of the resulting emotional chaos and confusion just isn't fair to them. Nor is diluting your financial ability to provide for them.

Sometimes we have to make hard choices for the greater good. You have two children who need your undivided attention. Not the addition of a sibling by a man who treated their mother like a hooker.

I would personally keep the baby - and it does sound like in your gut that's what you want to do as well. I'm sure things WILL work out x

You need to do what is in your heart, without him in the equation at all. Just consider the two of you done. I'd see a counsellor before doing anything.

please don't have an abortion for this man. He has shown himself to be dishonest and not a nice person.

only you can decide if you want to have this baby. From what you have written so far i feel an abortion would be the wrong thing for you.

Hey ladies,
Thank you all for your kind messages. I thought I'd give you an update...
I went to see a very close and trustworthy friend today and told her everything- she was fantastic listened to me waffle away for hours, cry, laugh and we even managed to eat some cake.
I've decided to see a counsellor one of which specialises in this kind of thing and I go to see her Wednesday morning.
My friend said she will come to the clinic if that's what I decide to do which means so much - I just don't feel so alone.
I went back to work as well today and some parts of me was happy that I was carrying this little miracle inside of me and thinking 'you know what, I can do this' then there's the other side of me petrified to be faced with his wife hammering on my door early hours of the morning, everyone looking at me like some kind of home wrecker- nobody will believe or care about my side of the story, the woman is ALWAYS the one to blame.

I contemplated telling my mum today too, but thought better of it as she can often be very opinionated and I just can't risk being influenced and look back to regret this decision.

Thank you again guys, all is still a big scary thought but hopefully a counsellor will help me a little x

Please remember none of this is your fault, he cheated on is wife not you and you didn't know he was still with/married to her

Wishing you lots of luck with your decision x

Can I tell you my Ex fiancee cheated on me....I never blamed the woman she was free to sleep with who she wanted... My now ex was not...

However I am really pleased you managed to talk to someone in RL and you have someone on your side no matter what decision you make.. I am really pleased you are seeing a counsellor too

You really come across you want this baby it is now ex and his wife that are putting the doubt in your head...If this is the way it is I would focus on how you can make it work.