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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Doctor made me feel like shit.

69 replies

sammyjayneex · 01/10/2015 10:49

So went to doctors to start maternity care because I've just found out I'm pregnant and again I told him what I wanted from the off. He then asked how many children I already, I told him and his reply was '' and you wanted more?''
I didn't want a lecture. I told him I wasn't here for lecture on how many children is acceptable to have and he's like' oh we ask these standard questions' but his tone was horrible and intimidating. Left feeling quite upset. Are they allowed to speak to me like that? And did I deserve it because I've had another child when its not deemed acceptable?

OP posts:

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SilverBirchWithout · 01/10/2015 10:52

You do sound a bit over sensitive, "and you wanted more" seems a simple non-judgemental remark to me.

Liomsa · 01/10/2015 10:53

But is it possible he was just asking in order to establish whether or not this was a planned or welcome pregnancy? When I first saw my GP when I was pregnant for the first time just shy of 40, she looked carefully at me and said 'I assume congratulations are in order?' From her pov, she didn't know whether this was a contraceptive failure or a baby we'd been trying for.

SpaggyBollocks · 01/10/2015 10:54

you already know you can have as many children as you like. as for whether he's "allowed" to speak to you like that, sadly some people are dicks but no, you can't call the police about it.

Original poster

sammyjayneex · 01/10/2015 10:56

It was his tone
He didn't say it in a very nice way and sounded really judgemental
I wouldn't have left feeling upset if he didn't say it the way he did. He asked me if it was planned first and I told him it wasn't but it's done now and I'll deal with it then he made that remark. It's he way he said it

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 01/10/2015 10:58

Sounds like he was just determining the background etc.

Some Drs are just more abrupt than others.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 11:03

I've always thought it must be frustrating for doctors, though, to be able to offer free contraception and advice, and to find women (not meaning you here, OP) get pregnant when they can't afford it and don't want it. He was perhaps trying to determine whether you wanted to keep the baby.

Congratulations - hope you have a great pregnancy.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 11:08

IT's 4 words, if you think thats a lecture then yes, you are very oversensitive. I think you need to get over yourself.

Original poster

sammyjayneex · 01/10/2015 11:10

'Get over myself' it's not so much the words, it was his tone. Maybe he shouldn't have said it the way he did

OP posts:

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 11:14

Maybe he didn't like your tone?
You sound very defensive about having an unplanned pregnancy when you already presumably have a lot of children. Sounds more like your issue than his, I doubt the gp cares how many you have.

3littlebadgers · 01/10/2015 11:17

Congratulations maybe he can't imagine looking after more than one or two children himself. Just goes to show that you must be doing a wonderful job, because obviously, you can Don't let him take the shine off this wonderful time for you. You wanted your baby that is all that matters.

Original poster

sammyjayneex · 01/10/2015 11:17

Ok well then thanks for your 'support'
I am not really a sensitive person but the way he said it really wasn't nice I suppose you have to be there

OP posts:

Skiptonlass · 01/10/2015 11:18

They are standard questions though - don't forget that GPs are on the front line and see the best and worst of life.

A good GP will probe into whether this is a wanted pregnancy/domestic issues etc. My midwife started with the cautious 'and what does your husband think?' Kind of stuff. I wasn't offended, they have to ask these things.

Sometimes they can be blunt - I was joking with my consultant that I must be mad as this pregnancy has been awful and it's not put me off having more. "I'd like ten!" I said. "You're too old" she said.

She was right though. I am too old to have ten.

Tootsiepops · 01/10/2015 11:20

Will this still matter to you in a week, OP? When I get pissed off with perceived shitty attitudes from people, that's the question I ask myself before I allow it any further headspace.

In this case, I'll venture a guess and say you'll not give two hoots about it within a very short space of time.

And congratulations!

CarShare · 01/10/2015 11:21

I find some Drs just don't have a great bedside manner or relate to patients particularly well, but they are just people at the end of the day. Some people have great communication skills and others don't- try not to take it personally.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/10/2015 11:22

As PPs have said, I suspect he was just trying to ascertain if this was a planned, welcome pregnancy. They will get many people through their doors who are pregnant but don't want to be, but may also find it difficult to voice these concerns. He may have been gently giving you a "way in" to that conversation.

You do sound rather defensive as well. He wasn't lecturing you, he was asking a question. Have you had others comment negatively on your pregnancy, such as friends or family members? Sometimes other peoples comments and digs can make us read things into quite innocent questions.

OTOH you're not a Duggar are you

jorahmormont · 01/10/2015 11:23

They have to ask whether it's planned or unexpected, and that's one of the more conversational ways of saying it.

When I went to the GP, pregnant at 19, she looked me up and down and said "So I assume you'll be wanting an abortion then?".

Now that is how not to ask the 'planned or not?' question

Liomsa · 01/10/2015 11:24

OP, I appreciate you're probably in mild shock at an unplanned pregnancy and your hormones are doing things, but you sound terribly over-sensitive and chippy, if you did in fact say all that to a doctor into whose 'tone' you are reading an awful lot of disapproval.

If I'd approached my GP with that attitude, I might well have thought that her stone-faced response meant she disapproved of a 40 year old having a baby, whereas I think she was, like all doctors in that situation, trying to determine, neutrally, whether this was a wanted pregnancy, or whether my next question was going to be about a termination referral. Imagine how awful it would be if s/he was beaming congratulations when you were about to say you weren't planning to continue the pregnancy.

perfumedlife · 01/10/2015 11:24

"So went to doctors to start maternity care because I've just found out I'm pregnant and again I told him what I wanted from the off."

Telling the doctor anything from the off can put their back up. Did you maybe walk in a bit 'guns blazing' due to a past experience?

Only1scoop · 01/10/2015 11:27

Agree perfumed

Op could you have already have anticipated his reaction and been a wee bit defensive?

As pp has said hopefully you won't be bothered by this by next week so I'd not let it play on your mind that much.

Janeymoo50 · 01/10/2015 11:29

How many children do you have? Sounds like possibly a bit of judgement by the Dr? If you answered 2, I'd think it a strange thing to say, if you said 5, I can almost understand why it was said (not saying it was right though).
Good luck.

BuffytheFeminist · 01/10/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 01/10/2015 11:38

What does 'I told him what I wanted from the off' mean?

It sounds like you went in wanting to pick a fight.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/10/2015 11:53

Sorry, OP, I think you probably are being a tad over sensitive as well. When I had my booking appointment for my current pregnancy, I wa convinced the midwife had 'taken against me', as it was my third time being pregnant (first was a termination years ago, second was a mmc a few months previously). It really wasn't the case, only what I thought was going through her head, because it what was going through my head, IYSWIM.

His tone could have sounded a bit off to you, but doctors can be a bit brash anyway. If you feel he did not help you, or worse, refused the help you went in for, that's a different matter of course.

Original poster

sammyjayneex · 01/10/2015 12:04

What I meant was there was no reason for him to think that I wanted to go down the abortion plan because when I went in he asked what i was there for and I told him I had just found out I was pregnant and I wanted to start see th midwife and didn't really know the procedure as I've not been pregnant whilst at that surgery before as I've not been there long and he then started to ask of its planned I told him it wasn't but I'm dealing with it and wanted to start the maternity care. If I wanted an abortion I would have mentioned. He asked if i had been pregnant before and I said yes (although he should know this from my records surely and since I've seen him before about a different matter) and asked how many kids I've had before and I told him and he made that remark really nastily
BUT can I point out that he was nasty from the start even before I started speaking.... As soon as I entered the room he was like 'oh was you waiting downstairs, I said yes (I didn't realise the appointment was upstairs as in the past it's been downstairs where he's done is appointments) Anyway he says 'I've been calling you and you never came I was about to give up.....' And he was really nasty like I had inconvenienced him. I only heard my name being called once.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 01/10/2015 12:04

I always recoil at the 'are you related in any way to the father' tick in the box question.

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