Different religion? WWYD?

[Steph1502]

This is an issue that I'm really starting to worry about and I sincerely hope any readers of ANY faith don't get offended by this. I have 3 DDs to my ex husband and am now expecting DC4 with my new partner. None of my family were ever christened as my grand parents decided that they didn't want to impose any faith into their kids after their families disowning them due to my Granda being Protestant and my gran being Catholic. I've always been very open about my own beliefs and very respectful of others. However, my new partner was raised Catholic and his 2 children with his ex wife were both baptised and went to catholic schools (they are older now and both in college/employment). The thing is, I don't want my children raised in the catholic faith. It's not what I believe in and I disagree with some of its principles (again, no disrespect to anyone of the Catholic faith it's just my opinion) plus my kids all go to a non denomination school so I wouldn't want this little one going to a different school than his/her big sisters. But, my OH is adamant he wants his child raised in the Catholic faith and has been quite demanding regarding this. Now, if he was a devout practising member of a chapel then I'd maybe take more consideration of this but... In the whole 2.5 years we have been together he's attended chapel once and it was for a funeral. He doesn't go to confession and, to be honest, his lifestyle doesn't exactly match the Catholic way. I genuinely don't want to upset him or his family but I definitely am dead against it. And also, I don't want to create a divide between my girls and their new brother/sister. Any advice would be greatly appreciated Tia xx

You might want to remind him that as a 'practising Catholic' he has already broken rules by having sex before marriage

Joking aside, you really need to have a serious think about this, weigh up the issues of your new baby having a faith to not having a faith.
If he doesn't really go to church, I cannot see how he thinks baby will be brought up at a religious school - you usually have to be a known member of the congregation to even get a look in at a Catholic school?

Personally I would probably ignore the issue for now and hope he forgets it!

Yeah exactly! The Catholic Church might not even want us! Lol. All seriousness though, it's an issue that he's so strict about. To be honest, I'm really open minded and my middle daughter attends Sunday school because she wants to... I don't impose anything on my kids because I want them to decide for themselves. It's what I believe is important for them... I ask him: why? He just says: because that's the way I want it and that's that... ?? Eh?? I'm so frustrated and can see it causing serious arguments in the future x

Me and my OH discussed this. I was raised CofE and he was raised Atheist but is half Polish and his Polish family are very Catholic. He mentioned he would want our baby baptised. So I said I would consider CofE (I am not really practising.... very much the church of Happygojo in my beliefs.... I believe allsorts from lots of different belief systems nowadays) and he flew off the handle saying it had to be Catholic or nothing! he isn't even baptised himself FFS! and we have a CofE church directly opposite our house, no idea where the nearest Catholic one is..... We are also unmarried and living in sin and having a child out of wedlock . I wouldn't worry TOO much. Traditionally the Catholic faith follows the female line I think, so your children inherit your faith over the fathers.... I am sure my mum told me that once because the vicar of my church growing up had a Catholic wife and their kids went to Catholic School and even Catholic church every other Sunday and I asked why.

The catholic church won't do it anyway unless you both stand up in a ceremony and pledge to raise the child as a Catholic.

He doesn't even go to church. Tell him to sod off.

Lol your answers are making me laugh ladies. happygojo sounds so similar to me. I'm defo gonna be putting my foot down but it will defo cause some friction xx

I'm athiest, dh Catholic. All kids baptised Catholic because it was important to him and wasn't to me. I see religion as culture, there's good parts to it too. But I don't believe any of it. So its no skin off my nose if he wants to take them to church and family religious events. If they ask me about God, they'll get a diplomatic answer but I won't lie to them.

cherry I agree but he doesn't go to church and I highly doubt he will keep going regularly once baby was baptised. Plus why would I cause a separation between my 3 kids and this one? It's already difficult enough having a baby with a new partner. It's a lifestyle choice I don't want for my child. In fact, I'm really quite against it as it goes against what I believe in as a person xx

It is difficult. My dh is a practicing Catholic and I a Protestant Christian. The baptism in the Catholic church was a very emotionally charged debate for each of our children. The idea that if you don't baptise your child and they die, that they go to hell, is deeply engrained in the psychy of Catholics. His family were constantly on my dh's case for our firstborn to get baptised, I refused, and he conceded out of love for me. He took the job of shielding his families upset at it, from me. However when our secondborn came along, he had had so much grief from his parents, that I conceded to get the child baptised, but insisted that it be Church of England not Catholic, this was our compromise this time. We did the same with our third child.

Our firstborn chose to be baptised for themself at age 8, as they wanted to do first Holy communion with the rest of the class at school (Catholic school).
Our secondborn chose not to do first Holy Communion (was already baptised so did not need to do this), but now wants to be baptised in a Baptist church!!!!!

For what you are going through now with the friction, the child will have their own say in a few years time. My personal opinion in your situation, is that as he is non-practicing, then he has no right to demand you make your child a Catholic by baptising them in the Catholic church. He should accept a Church of England baptism as a compromise if he desperately wants them to be baptised as an infant, and should not force you to raise your child as a Catholic.

As an aside, there is a great film called "A Love Divided" that covers the issues of feeling forced to raise a child as a Catholic, and standing up against it!

Happygojo - regarding the Catholic church and the following the mothers faith, this is not quite correct, the Jewish faith follows down the mothers line, but at the reformation it was more, the boys follow the fathers faith and the girls the mothers. Of course whichever one was not the Catholic then that gender in the family was damned to hell, whilst the Catholic gender saved by baptism etc!!!!! (I found this out while researching "Interchurch marriage" for my thesis for my degree in theology!!!!)

Similar to you I'm atheist and DH is Catholic. We've agreed that the DCs can decide when they're older as they're too young now to understand any of that stuff.
At one point he seemed quite keen but the "you organise and pay for it then" put him off - he's not a great organiser!

Catholic or nothing! Nothing it is then happy !!

I personally think that a new born really is incapable of having faith! Even if your OH was a committed catholic (which he isn't if he's knocking you up!) it isn't his decision to unilaterally make. I'm sort of the opposite to cherry in that I think no faith should be the starting point until children are old enough to decide for themselves.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh.
Your OH is a hypocrite. He may well have been baptised RC but he doesn't appear to have any respect for the Church's teachings. If he married his previous partner in RC church then they would consider him still married, even if civil divorce and his current relationship with you as adulterous. If you wished to get married, then RC church would not recognise it and he would be unable to receive the sacraments (confession, communion etc). He could still attend mass and other services but not receive Communion. As a minimum he should be attending Mass on Sundays and holy days and go to confession or reconciliation service at least annually during the Easter period.

I would suggest that you tell him that once you are convinced of his sincerity and is following the lifestyle his RC faith requires, and that would require his persistence with this for a considerable length of time, and which would include discontinuing his sexual relationship with you, then you might start to think about (only think about) whether you should give any consideration to his request that for your new Dc.

of course a child can't have faith, a newborn can't even think.

if the OP's partner wants the child 'raised in the faith' fine, let him organise it all. He may have to start with a wedding...

I !want to add that once you've done it you can't undo it easily. I looked into this and it involved writing to various people and I couldn't be arsed, so I'm officially one of the UK's Catholics even though I'm not. You can easily undo being unbaptised by just doing it in the sink one day.
Actually, I've heard a few tales of elderly Catholic relatives baptising babies in the sink (anyone can baptise anyone). I wonder if DS has actually been baptised in secret!

faded wholeheartedly agree... He is being a hypocrite xx

I wonder if I just don't ever talk about it ever again he might forget.... He certainly forgets to go to chapel every Sunday....

I have to say, as others have mentioned, most churches I have been involved with wouldn't involve baptise the child of unmarried parents. Our local one refused to even meet with some friends to marry them because they were co-habiting before marraige

I really don't want my children being raised in a faith that is so judgemental of my lifestyle... (Sorry to all you Catholics out there) xx

I was married in a Catholic church because my then OH was too scared of his mother to say he had stopped believing and never went to mass. But I drew the line at baptism when our first DD was born, and she went mad - then calmed down and never mentioned it again. I'm sure she either did it herself or took the baby to the priest. I didn't mind, since I don't believe in it anyway.

I should also add that he's not like this about ANYTHING else. He's quite easy going about everything and supportive. Then as soon as it comes up he's so dead set in his thinking. I suspect it's probably family influences as he comes from a massive family and all the kids get baptised and attend catholic school, confirmation, communion etc etc

There is a cultural element to Catholicism though- you'd accept someone as Jewish or Muslim without questioning their attendance at synagogue or mosque wouldn't you? So I'm sort of in disagreement with that argument

But your wishes should be taken into account. The only thing I would say is your point about new baby being different from siblings- if non catholic the new baby will be different from your partners existing children, go to different school etc. Could this be what he's worried about?

My partners children are 18 and 19 and are no longer at school and they do not live with us (also they do not attend chapel either). My younger 2 daughters would still be of primary school age when this little one goes to school so if would mean them attending different schools. I am entirely respectful of each and every faith, however, I don't agree that my child should be raised a Catholic when i myself am not Catholic and my partner does not practice his faith.

I'm an atheist and my OH is catholic, however he's more of a believer in god and the religion than the actual catholic church, and has a real issue with how the institution of the catholic church treats women, women's rights, abortion, the many pedophile scandals etc and as a result doesn't actually attend church that often

His family are all confirmed catholics including his two kids from a previous marriage. We are expecting our first together so this discussion has come up a lot.

I have no issue with the concept of faith and religion, and would prefer we give our kid the option to choose what (if) he wants to follow anything, by giving him the info for all religions and let him make his own choice. The OH is getting cold feet about this approach and keeps thinking he should baptise / christen him as Catholic. I'm ok with that as long as owns that decision as i will have no part of it.

I have pointed out that if he does that, then it's a commitment to the church for communion etc and he should start seriously thinking about how he would approach:

• the explanation of why mummy and daddy don't believe the same thing, and how both are valid
• the church's teaching / beliefs on stuff that we don't agree with
• that I won't be attending church at all with them
• whether he will actually be allowed to baptise the pfb as a) I'm not Catholic b) never been baptised etc c) will not be attending the christening if it goes ahead

I suspect the church may dictate what will actually happen as they're pretty militant round here about attendance etc. I have left it up to the OH as a result.

That's fair enough I assumed try were in school also

Like I said, if he practiced his faith and attended the loca chapel then I'd see his point but the fact is, he doesn't. If he practiced his faith then we wouldn't even be having this little bundle as we would never have had sex! It was such a non issue before we conceived that we never even discussed it. The reason it was a non issue was because he had never even spoke about his faith apart from telling me he went to a catholic school.

I would just say nothing and everything he brings it up make non committal noises, that way you won't get into a row about it but you aren't agreeing to it.

If he directly asks after the baby is born, tell him you need to know more information about it, can he provide that please? If he's anything like my DH that wouldn't even be done, let alone organising the christening. And if he actually does bring you some information I would be telling him to organise it all himself.

I completely agree with you BTW, my DH is catholic but doesn't practise and there's never been any question of our children being christened into the faith. If he'd been devout and practising before we met then of course I would understand the desire to have them christened but I would have also been aware of this before having children and could have made a decision then if that was what I wanted for any future children.