Can I refuse to have midwife at my home and present at home birth?

[Jenny1231990]

Hello all, I'm 37weeks on wesnesday and on Tuesday I have midwives coming round to go through everything, this is my 3rd baby but first home birth.
Anyway throughout my entire pregnancy I haven't really seen the midwife assigned to me, when I did last she said she may have been going back to work in the hospitals. If she did, she would let us know.

She didn't

So I go to my appointment on Tuesday just gone and there was the rudest midwife there, she just said that my usual one had left, she was incredibly abrupt about everything, every time I tried to explain that I felt I had a uti she spoke over me, even when it showed up in my urine, she questioned the pot I'd given it her in, I had only just got it from behind reception.
Any questions I wanted to ask she just wouldn't answer, I know it sounds silly but she seemed cold and really like she didn't want to be there. Asked if I had any questions then wouldn't answer them,I hoped it was just a one off seeing her, but then she said she might be taking my home birth appointment and be the one who comes here to deliver my baby.
I really really do not want that.
It's making me feel like I don't want to go ahead with my home birth. which obviously don't always go to plan anyway.
Sorry for rambling, but can anyone help, I don't want to see this woman again.

I was in a similar situation with my DS2. I felt so disappointed when DP told me the name of the midwife who was on her way to our home birth. She was actually fantastic, just what I needed, encouraging but no nonsense at the same time.
To be honest, don't worry yourself too much, once you're in the midst of labour, you won't care who's there!! Good luck.

Thank you Hun. I understand. She was just incredibly off. I thought maybe a bad day but I saw her briefly at my consultant appointment the following day and she was the same again.
My daughter was a week late but came incredibly fast, I just wanted a nice midwife who was calming and made me feel at ease, not someone with a face like stone.

I'd see which midwives turn up on Tuesday and discuss things with them. If you were in hospital you wouldn't really get much choice in which midwife assisted you either but at least there would be others around. Of it came to it and you were in labour at home, what would you want to do if your DP said this midwife was on her way? Would you want to go to hospital instead regardless of how far you were in labour or would your desire for a home birth override this? If you think you'd rather go to the hospital, ask the midwife on Tuesday what you can do if you change your mind mid labour? I'm sure it happens with home births-mum suddenly panics at being out of the hospital and wants to go in-so you wouldn't have to say why you were changing your plan. The only problem with this though might be you end up giving birth on the way to hospital or not physically be able to get in the car.

Can you make a complaint against her? Not answering your questions is unprofessional and potentially dangerous if she leaves you underinformed.

Thank you for your reply and these are all things I've thought about

In regards to changing my mind mid birth according to the consultant this does happen and that's fine.
Obviously as long as you can make if there. I wouldn't do that just because of her, I would only go into hospital if god forbid any medical complications made me.
If I was in labour and she was on her way in spose I wouldn't have a choice as such, but I do now which is why I was wondering if there was someone I could call to say I don't want this certain midwife around me, present during my birth.
In hospital with my 2nd I had my daughter within 10minutes of getting on the bed so I didn't have time to suss either of them out, but they were lovely, one was a trainee.

And other an older midwife but, they seemed kind and calm and we just got on with it.
This lady seems cold and like she doesn't want to be involved, that's just a simple appointment, I can't stop thinking about it, even tho there probably isn't much I can do about it. (Sorry, sent to early)

You certainly can refuse to see her again, you need to contact the on-call supervisor of midwives (usually via hospital switchboard or labour ward) and inform her you do not consent to receive care from this woman. You don't have to explain why although in your shoes I would (am a midwife and colleagues like this give me the rage: if you can't even be NICE to people what the fuck are you doing in this job?) They will arrange for someone else from the team to look after you. It happens more often than you think - sometimes it's 'just' a personality clash but you have the right to feel comfortable and well looked after in labour by a professional, not some mardy cow who hates her job and shouldn't be doing it.

I don't know about making a complaint, i knew I had an infection so when it showed up that I had nitrates in my urine I just asked what could cause this and could I take something to make it better as I was feeling unwell, she just blanked me.
My OH was there also, I thought maybe I was being hormonal thinking she was being rude, but he felt it too, so when he piped up and asked she did the same to him. Then as we were leaving asked us if we had any questions. I just left, I felt so annoyed and pissed off.

I had another appointment with the consultant the day after who just by dipping my urine didn't wait for it to be sent off he wrote me out a prescription and said I should have had them when I bought it to their attention.

I'm not experienced with this, but also feel to should request she's not present if possible. You will have enough to think about without dreading your mw's input!

Also, has she treated your uti? I had an undetected uti at end of pg, only found during labour. I had to have my bladder manually emptied with a catheter twice and it was the last bloody thing I needed quite frankly. So if she hasn't done anything, go to your GP tomorrow.

Sorry, x post re uti. It's disgraceful she ignored it. I think that's a failure of care and you should keep her away from you.

Thank you so much hellsbells78 that's a relief. I've been worrying so much. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I need to find out her name as she didn't even introduce herself, il call drs on Monday and see who took the clinic last week then do as you've suggested.
Will they then make sure she doesn't come here on Tuesday for my home birth talk? Or is that purely for the labour itself. I said the same to my OH in that line of work surely you should at least be able to be pleasant to expectant mothers.
It's lucky in a way I've had 2 babies before I kind of know what to expect, and that her behaviour isn't professional but a first time mum may think that it's normal to have an incredibly rude abrupt lady speak to you as if you are a naughty child, or just ignore any concerns you may have.

It's your home, so if a midwife is doing/saying things that you aren't happy with you can refuse to have them there and ask for another. You get two anyway, especially if you have fast labours, they will probably send two from the start, so there will be another person there for second opinions etc. I had a doula and she was fab at being the advocate for what I wanted, stepping in when the midwives were badgering me to see if I could feel the head as she could see it was slowing my labour down having to answer questions. She told me she had sent midwives away and requested another before. The supervisor of midwives would be the best person to contact to discuss your concerns though.
basically it's your home your rules. you obviously will be taking their advice, but you don't have to feel uncomfortable with who is there. There was a midwife from my last birth who I had said, if she turned up I'd be asking for another, as she was so negative and rude, very belittling.
I would say though that quite often the community teams are quite large, unless they running a policy where you get your midwife you're likely not to see her. I had two fab midwives, they were very hands off and really respected my wishes.
Good luck! My home birth was by far one of the bbest experiences ever, after a cs with dd it's helped me feel at peace with it all and recovery was so quick. ( and sorry for poor typing, feeding ds, 2 weeks old)

Definitely get onto it right away and have it recorded that you do not want her involved in your care.

I disagree very strongly with the suggestion that you won't mind when you're in labour; on the contrary having someone you dislike there could have a very negative impact on the birth and even yours and your baby's wellbeing.

I say this because it happened to me. I was in a panic wanting to change the midwife but was dissauded from doing so - to my eternal regret.

There is time to ensure that this witch does not cast her darkness into your life, seize the opportunity.

No worries - yes if you decline care from her you'll never see her again (would be great if we could do this with other people in our lives eh? ;) ) she'll be in a community team with a team leader who will know who took that clinic and will rearrange Tuesday's visit as well as sorting the on call rota so she isn't sent to you in labour. Good luck :)

You can ask for another midwife as long as you are mindful that another may not be available to attend on the day.

Are you confident enough to challenge her attitude?

I think this is an ideal time to trot out the mumsnet mantra of "did you mean to be so rude?"

Personally I would raise it with the supervisor of midwives as she seemed very unhelpful.

I didn't get my named midwife at my home birth but I had previously seen the 2nd midwife who was due to attend and I told the MW I didn't like her. She kindly agreed to call the other MW on call instead. I know she didn't have to but it made me feel less anxious.

Yes it's been treated now only because I luckily had a consultant appointment and he gave me a prescription for some antibiotics, I know how dangerous it can be if left untreated, poor you sounds horrendous, I just knew something wasn't right, I explained this to her.

I'm not having her here, il do what I can to make sure she isn't around, during any more appointments or my birth. Just worried about saying I don't want to have her then her coming anyway x

You can refuse any midwife you don't want. Conversely they can refuse to provide care at home. Eg if you ring for the midwife and there is only her available, they won't send her (to protect her as well) and you will be told no one is available.

In this situation you can go to hospital or if you refuse they will offer an ambulance.

As well they will not move a midwife from a different labouring lady at the time. I have head people ask for this!!!

They can't organise a home birth rota for potentially four weeks to ensure that she is never on, just in case you might go into labour at that time.

Thank you missmakesstuff, I've heard good things about home births, I love the thought of being at home. I didn't want her to create a negative atmosphere.
Thank you & congratulations :)

Sugarman il be getting on to the case first thing Monday morning. I just wasn't sure if there was anything I could actually do. Now I know there is I'm so happy and feel like a great weight has been lifted.
I agree I think having someone there who your not comfortable around could impact dramatically. I'm sorry you've been through that.
Hellsbells that's brilliant. Thank you for your advice. It's really made me feel that I'm not being petty.

Gallicgirl I will raise it with the supervisor how unhelpful and ride she was. I would hate to think any one else had to put up with her and thought it was normal, because most midwives I've seen are lovely and caring.

Holidaysarenice I understand what you mean but I would never ask for another midwife to leave someone else to come to me. Il happily have an ambulance here before her though.
Things may not go to plan and I might have no choice but to go to the hospital anyway, but I don't see why someone who can't find it in themselves to be pleasant should be welcomed into my home.
Hopefully it will work out on the day, I didn't think or expect that they would do their rota 4 weeks in advance for me.