Deciding to become a stay at home mum

[irishamy89]

Hi All.
I'm pregnant with my first baby and my DP and I are both in agreement that I will be a SAHM.
Were lucky to be in a position where we will still be financially fine however I'm sure it will still feel like a big change for me!
Anyone else made this decision and how are you feeling about it?
We live a short commute from central London and are looking for a bigger flat or house.
I have told DP that I definitely don't want to move somewhere that would make travel in to central London difficult.
I would feel too isolated!!

Absolutely get legal advice regarding your non married status.

I would be very, very wary about giving up work full time - it is NOT that easy to get back into work. I took 12 years off to be a SAHM - loved it, no financial problems at the time - but trying to get back into work has been very difficult, I have returned to work but earn barely more than NMW and nothing like the previous professional level that I enjoyed (I have a degree etc etc - no one cares ).

I think you sound very naive about getting back into your area of work at "whatever level you want" after taking years off. Like others have said, you don't need to make this decision now, you can wait until your maternity leave is coming to an end.

Matilda - I said "the level I want" not "whatever level I want". Two VERY different things.... know my profession so I'm being a realist!

Ragwort - I know what you mean by no one caring about qualifications etc. I've also got a degree but currently completing two additional courses as I know things are competitive!

I'm a SAHM, with a toddler and one on the way, and really enjoy it. Some days are really tedious, I do end up doing the vast majority of housework/cooking/etc (completely unacceptable from what I read in MN), but it works well for us.

I am financially reliant on my husband, which is a little weird after a successful professional career, but again it works for us. The salary he brings home is 'our' money type of thing.

The prospect of getting back into the workplace in 5 or 6 years time is daunting, but manageable in my field.

I think if you've got all your ducks in a row on the home front, then it's just one of those things you work out.

I'm a SAHM and really enjoying it- so much negativity on this thread!! Ds is 15 months and I'm pregnant with dd. It can be hard work but it's very rewarding and I love being with ds all day. Dp and i have been together for many, many years and have very similar views on money (ie it's all ours not mine and his), childcare etc. It really helps that the area I live in is great for parents, good Sure Start centre, lovely park, cafes, several soft play centres locally so I'm not sat at home bored.

Scotinoz - Thanks for your comment. I know what you mean by the attitude on MN that doing the bulk of the household chores is unacceptable.
I already do the majority of cooking and cleaning and I really enjoy it.
DP works long hours so I feel it's only fair and like you it works for us.
I can imagine going back to work is daunting but I'm also in a career which I would be able to return to!

It's not negativity. Surely it's a good idea to plan for the worst and expect the best? And as for making a massive life decision when a) your life is about to change in ways you don't know about yet and b) you don't have to yet -though admittedly I'm assuming that when it may not be the case - surely caution is called for?

I'm sorry - I love my H, I trust him too but the number of people whose husbands and partners have left them high and dry after a midlife crisis/affair/ whatever is breathtaking. Honestly. Get married.

Also I reserve the right to be negative when the OP has asked for opinions and my experiences of SAHM have been somewhat, overall, negative (along with all the 'precious moments' etc).

Of course you have the right to be negative! I was simply offering another view.
Obviously you should plan for the worst etc but TBH op sounds like she has her head screwed on and plans in place.

I think I type of career you are in does make a big difference. For me personally, I would have had to go through re-registration professionally, extra training (possibly even a Masters), and I would never get a job at my current grade, especially if I wanted part time hours. It was just another good reason to go back in my situation. I totally agree with Zebra in that I feel going back is the less permanent decision and doing so allows our family more flexibility.

Sorry if you feel we're all being a bit negative. Many people love being SAHP. My overriding sense from this thread is that most posters are just advising consideration that your feelings/circumstances may change, and it's good to have at least thought about what you would do if that happens.

"The" type of career!

Amy you sound a bit naive and like you posted here looking for a chat about being a SAHM rather than advice. Do listen to the posters pn here because honestly and I say from experience, you know absolutely nothing until you have had your baby. I don't mean to be rude calling you naive and of course I don't actually know you so I don't know but you make it sound like you haven't properly considered all the angles.

Also you say your DMIL had just returned to work but would be happy to 'mind' the baby if you decided to go back to work. Was your job FT? Is hers? If you have an ordinary 9-5 type job and work FT that essentially means DPs mum looking after the baby 8-6 five days a week. That's a lot and she may not be up for it!

Ultimately listen to everyone on here and wait and see how you feel!

Cawanaka - Hi! As you can see from my original post I asked had anyone else made the decision about being a SAHM and how do they feel about it.
I have received lots of responses deviating from my original Q and that is fine.
I can't see how you have come to the assumption that I have not looked at all angles however I have read all responses with interest.
Regarding my MIL, yes we have discussed this already and she would be happy to care for the baby as she wants to return to part time work.
Days she couldn't care for the baby we would pay for private childcare or indeed full time childcare if necessary.
Of course my plan is to be a SAHM but that is plan B.
MIL would adore to care for the baby however obviously it is my intention that I would like to care for the baby full time just as she did with her children.

Could you look at part time working? That way you can at least work say 2 days and keep yourself in the industry, and be a sahp the other 5 days

Hello OP, I made a similar decision to the one your thinking of making although I was a bit younger and my warning potential would not have covered childcare fees. I was always going to retrain as I had just fallen into the career I was in and there was certainly no passion involved.

I can think of a few careers that would owe to taking a decade out but lots wouldn't. Would you like to go back to what your doing now?

It's a tricky one. I have given the matter serious consideration, as we could just about survive on DH's salary and our savings. However, the sector I work in is highly competitive, and I'd worry about being able to get back on the career ladder after a few years off. Plus, I generally like my work, like having my own identity and suspect I would come to (unfairly) resent DH for having a life outside of baby and house.

But never say never...this is our first baby so I can't predict how I will feel! I plan to go back initially on a part time basis and after that, well, we will just have to see. We'd love to have a second baby if we can, so I guess that will affect my decisions about becoming a SAMH more than baby number one.

Good luck with whatever you decide - if it makes you and baby happy, that's the right decision for you. No judgement either way - but yes, the ladies on here are right, I'd get things made legal and also have a think about your future career so you're not losing focus of your goals.

Incidentally, I got sidetracked on the legalities because that was my background... and I say "was" because I have been a SAHM now for almost 7 years. Don't regret a scrap of that time, despite an Oxbridge education and a law background. It's the best thing I ever did, and works for us, despite a significant financial impact.

It's a completely individual choice, and what suits everyone is so different, that I think the best option is to assume a year's maternity leave and then adjust that decision according to how you find you take to parenting. Some massively broody women hate fulltime domesticity, and some totally career oriented ones find they thrive on it, and take career breaks. I think you are (as am I) very lucky to have both options, and either one will work out well. And congrats on impending motherhood - best thing in the world, in my case and view!

Consider he also has no automatic parental rights unless you are married.

Though he does if he is on the birth certificate hestialou.

I have been a SAHM now for 4 years and am finding it better and better. I have the odd twinge of angst about the long term but I am really very happy.

You do need to get married though. And have completely joint finances. My husband says "we got paid" when his salary lands in our bank account each month.

Get married
Get married
Get married
Get married
Get married

Congratulations on your baby.

I was a sahm for over nine years, three children in that time. I loved it and didn't miss work for a single minute. I was very busy doing lots of baby things like toddler groups, also me being at home freed up both our weekends for family time as I could get all the chores done in the week. I had three under three as well and never found it hard work looking after them all. We never had a lot of money but we did have was our money, not dh"s even though he was the one earning it. We were married though and didn't have a mortgage.

You sound like you are actually in a better position financially and sound like you have some independent income?

Finding a job after my youngest started school was really hard but I now have a job I love (unrelated to my old job) that is 9-3.30 term time only. I don't earn very much though and couldn't support a family on what I earn, money was never very important to me though.

Do you think you might get married? Getting married does seem to be the overwhelming advice from so many posters.

Artandco - Hi! In my current workplace I wouldn't have the option to work part time but I may be able to do so in another company.

Sleeponeday- Yes I definitely feel lucky to have my options open and a supportive family, DP and DP's family. It makes such a difference! !