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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Deciding to become a stay at home mum

123 replies

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 08:43

Hi All.
I'm pregnant with my first baby and my DP and I are both in agreement that I will be a SAHM.
Were lucky to be in a position where we will still be financially fine however I'm sure it will still feel like a big change for me!
Anyone else made this decision and how are you feeling about it?
We live a short commute from central London and are looking for a bigger flat or house.
I have told DP that I definitely don't want to move somewhere that would make travel in to central London difficult.
I would feel too isolated!!

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cailindana · 17/03/2015 09:21

It is very unusual to take a decade off work and then get back into the same career at a decent level. Usually if you've had time out you have to go back in at a much lower level and work your way back up, or retrain entirely to do something else. As long as you're aware that that's the case then that shouldn't be a problem.

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 09:22

Cailindana - What do you mean "no claim to his property"? We both own it and will both own the larger one that were going to purchase.

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/03/2015 09:22

It's not just in the case of a split either, marriage gives you greater protection in the event of one of you dying.

EMS23 · 17/03/2015 09:23

I was definitely going to be a SAHM and my DH always said he wouldn't cope as a SAHD. 3 DC's later and he is a SAHD and loves it while I had to return to work after 6 months mat leave with each child to help resolve my PND.
You never know how you might feel and decisions made/ paths you know you'll take, in advance of having a child are often somewhat different once you've actually become a parent.
It's a very exciting time but if you can, hedge your bets. Don't quit your job, take full mat leave and an extended sabbatical. Keep your options open.

And unless you have enough money in the bank to see you through to retirement, don't make yourself financially dependent on him. He could be the best guy in the world but as a PP said, all bets are off in a break up situation or he could die and his side of the family turn on you so you end up with nothing. You aren't entitled to anything legally so unless marriage is on the cards and/ or you are genuinely independently cash wealthy, keep your options open and protect yourself. It's unromantic but it's practical and the right thing to do by your child.

anothernumberone · 17/03/2015 09:24

I don't think you can compare what happened in previous generations to this one. Competition for professional jobs is much higher as many mamy more people attend higher education.

EMS23 · 17/03/2015 09:26

You live in London area - you will only be entitled to the half you own which probably won't leave you with enough to house yourself, especially if you aren't working and therefore can't raise a mortgage.

fleurdelacourt · 17/03/2015 09:26

When I went on maternity leave with ds I was sure that I was going to be a SAHM and was quite happy with my decision.

But I went back when he was 11 months old and have never regretted it.

The key thing here is that there is no need to make a decision now? You have the 12 months of maternity leave to mull it over - don't say anything to your employer yet otherwise you lose that option?

I have no idea about being unmarried/married - but I do agree with the comments about maintaining your financial independence. And you have to be realistic about your career prospects - just because it worked out for your mother it doesn't mean it will for you.

Finding part time roles/ roles that don't require working past 5pm/ slipping back into a career with no experience for over 10 years - none of those things are easy IME.

cailindana · 17/03/2015 09:28

Irishamy - if he has a car, that's not yours. His half of the house isn't yours - it belongs to his next of kin. His computer/phone/tablet aren't yours. You are in no way related to him, you are just a woman who happens to own half of his house. If he dies, you can inherit the house (as long as he has a will) but you'll have to pay inheritance tax on it. His parents/nearest blood relative will be the one to decide on his treatment if he is incapacitated.

Basically if he got hit by a bus (god forbid) next year, you could be standing, babe in arms, with nothing.

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 09:28

EMS23 - Wow that is an interesting story. As you said, I guess you never know!!!
If we were to split or if he died (God forbid) I would still be fine with or without his family's support.
I don't think I could take the plunge otherwise!

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PilchardPrincess · 17/03/2015 09:29

It is very hard to get back in again. Depends on the role and the industry and stuff I guess but still.

If there is good precendent in your role / industry then fair enough we don't know your job.

cailindana · 17/03/2015 09:29

So would you be able to pay inheritance tax on the new place?

BathtimeFunkster · 17/03/2015 09:29

You have no claim on his earnings if you are not married.

He will be legally committed to your child, but not to you.

Giving up work will reduce your earnt income to zero and your earning potential will decrease the longer you are off work.

If you are married any settlement will recognise your contribution to the marriage. If you are not married you are hearing all the risks of this (very risky) decision.

Greenstone · 17/03/2015 09:30

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Don't make any decisions right now. You probably feel like you have to decide now as part of getting organised, but you really don't. Wait until the baby is here.

I work from home part time,which sounds great in that I'm still sort of a SAHM, but its not just a case of dabbling in work around fun with babies. My job still requires childcare outside of the home (for many jobs it's simply not possible to work around a baby or child even though it sounds like it might be before you try it). Giving up work is a massive deal and I would urge you to do some reading on mumsnet to get an idea of the relative pros and cons.

Damnautocorrect · 17/03/2015 09:30

I was three down from director level in a Ftse 100 retail company, I was head hunted for that role.

I think retraining whilst off (when they start school?) is ideal to getting back, but it's costly and you'll need some sort of backup childcare.

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 09:31

Anothernumberone - Hi! Do you mean I can't compare it to DP mums story? She took a loooooong time off and is only back in work recently (last couple of years) so it wasn't that long ago.

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cailindana · 17/03/2015 09:32

Is there a reason you don't want to get married?

plantsitter · 17/03/2015 09:33

I've been a SAHM for 4 years. I wouldn't make the decision to do it again, tbh. I think my kids have really benefitted from it (I know it's unfashionable to say that, but I think it's true) but I have lost a lot of confidence and now have no idea how to get back into work. I don't have a trained profession though; I think if you have that it helps. I would make sure of the following things before committing to it:

I would get married (I did, during maternity leave with my second) but at the very least make sure the money is sorted out and shared equally. A joint account into which all income is paid and then a personal allowance each for fripperies (could be tiny but is important). We have this arrangement and it works well. Other SAHMs I know who have allowances or have to ask for money for housekeeping etc often argue about money and feel crap about it.

Sort out sickness cover for you. This is something I REALLY wish I'd sorted out with DH before giving up work. I finally got him to take a couple of days off work to look after the kids when the doctor told me the chest infection I'd been carrying on with for 3 months would actually kill me if I didn't have some rest. Not good for self esteem or a good marriage, or anything else really.

Join the NCT. Find out about baby groups. Make some friends. VERY important.

I'm sure there are more things. Mainly, think very carefully and don't make any decisions until you have to (i.e. take your maternity leave and then decide!).

EMS23 · 17/03/2015 09:33

I tell it a lot - PND is one aspect of it but actually, I am mentally fine now and I still prefer to work. I struggle being at home and IMO being a SAHP is the much harder job. It's exhausting, non stop. I can't do it.
My DH on the other hand, went from a very high powered job to being a SAHD out of choice and he adores it. It's funny how life turns out.

Can you take a year mat leave without quitting your job altogether? Bearing in mind the replies you've had on this thread, do you think you'll consider that?

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 09:34

Cailindana - Sorry there are so many comments to respond to. Yes I would be able to pay inheritance tax on the new place.

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Tapwater · 17/03/2015 09:35

What CailinDana and the others urging caution have said. Either marry - we married with just witnesses when I was almost full term - or sort out the legalities with a solicitor to replicate as far as possible the rights of marriage. Marrying is quicker and easier, which is why we did. And I agree, don't decide about returning to work before you've had the baby and experienced maternity leave.

My own opinion is that you would be being terribly naive to opt out of your career and expect to re-enter it at an equivalent level after years in which your skills and qualifications become obsolete.

sleeponeday · 17/03/2015 09:35

I did my masters on the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation upon breakup. It was a decade ago and things are inevitably going to be marginally different, but the basic law remains, unfortunately, the same. There have been no legislative changes.

There is NO SUCH THING as common law marriage. It's a myth.

If you aren't married, you are treated as two strangers with a shared place of residence. Whoever put the most money in to a property gets that out. If the property is in one name, then it's their house and the other person can have lived there years without any rights if they didn't pay towards the mortgage or provably invest heavily in it - and that's monetary investment, labour is worthless. Childcare and housework are meaningless too.

If you are a SAHM and perform all the domestic service of the child(ren) and home for 15 years and then DP meets someone else and tells you and the kids to get out, then you have to leave. You have no rights. All you are entitled to is statutory child support.

If you marry and become a SAHM, you are seen as an equal party to the marriage, with domestic labour as valuable as his paid employment. If he meets someone else, you have formal legal rights of occupation to the family home, even if it's in his sole name and you've never paid towards it in money. You can even register this right against the property on the Land Register, to alert anyone if he tries to sell it from under you. As primary carer, stability for the kids is a key aim of the courts and if possible they will be kept in the family home - he will be the one to leave, if you're a SAHM or the person with primary childcare responsibility. You will be entitled to a share of all family wealth and assets - which will be put into one pot for division by any court - including house, savings and pension, and while various factors shift what percentage (who looks after the kids as they may need more, how long you've been married as a short marriage obviously means less of a share, as does any "remarkable contribution" by one party) the starting point is 50/50. As a SAHM, you can sometimes get more than 50% if 50% wouldn't adequately house and provide for the kids. And then you are still entitled to that statutory child support, too. But on top. As well as.

I've met women who say they won't get married on feminist grounds, whilst only working part time and doing almost all the childcare. They are bonkers. Marriage is the best legal protection available to anyone who undertakes domestic responsibilities for a family that impact their earning potential. And the hit of a career break is lifelong, in most cases. It doesn't mean you can't still have a good career later, but it does mean you are almost always going to be behind where you could have been, and part-time working almost always leads to a "Mummy track" in high flying careers, too.

Having kids, and planning to stay at home at all? Marry.

irishamy89 · 17/03/2015 09:37

Cailindana - I'm not sure if the marriage Q was aimed at me. If it was, I've nothing against marriage.

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meditrina · 17/03/2015 09:38

Property doesn't necessarily just mean your house. It can mean all major assets. What about pension pots?

Damnautocorrect · 17/03/2015 09:39

The great contacts I made have all moved on, different roles, different companies even different countries and things have evolved in that industry to changes I won't know about.

It really depends on your industry, your qualifications, your self esteem (it can take a battering being at home). I can only speak for my career path at being off and well, it's long gone. From what I've seen and experienced your mil is lucky and not the norm.

cailindana · 17/03/2015 09:39

Fair enough amy, in that case, time to propose!