Deciding to become a stay at home mum

[irishamy89]

Hi All.
I'm pregnant with my first baby and my DP and I are both in agreement that I will be a SAHM.
Were lucky to be in a position where we will still be financially fine however I'm sure it will still feel like a big change for me!
Anyone else made this decision and how are you feeling about it?
We live a short commute from central London and are looking for a bigger flat or house.
I have told DP that I definitely don't want to move somewhere that would make travel in to central London difficult.
I would feel too isolated!!

Amen, sleeponeday. One of the things that has genuinely taken me aback in the three years I've been on Mn is the level of naivety surrounding cohabiting with a partner, unmarried, while having children and being financially dependent. That and the number of women in abusive relationships.

And the really sad thing is that these things emerge on threads about something else entirely, because the women in question are often completely unaware.

Sorry, OP - didn't mean to hijack.

Sleeponeday excellent informative post.

Damnautocorrect - I totally agree that some careers/levels would be more difficult to re enter. Personally I feel I could get back in to my career quite easily at the level I want. I have been to Uni and I'm currently studying for two other qualifications as I feel upskilling and education is important.

Amy, your username says you're Irish... I should say that the law as cited is for England and Wales only. I have no clue what the law is in Scotland, let alone Ireland! But legal advice may be called for, IMO.

Love is amazing. It's also, sadly, not reliable rather more often than we'd like. And I say that as someone who has been very happily with my DC's father for 15 years now, married for 10. It's not cynical to be realistic.

I imagine ftom what I have heard here in Ireland that the laws are very similar snd probably more onerous.

Damnautocorrect have you looked at capability jane and timewise they are both organisations wanting to source women like you for higher level part-time and returner roles.

Were you in finance? There are various offerings from eg Ernst and Young (I thikn it was I had an email the other day) looking for women returning after children.

Amy lives in London.

But yes it is bloody hard. Not saying that you haven't tried! Just that I don't know if you have heard of those orgs and they might be of use

Sleeponeday - Thanks for your extensive post! I'm Irish but live in London so that was great info.

Oh thank you pilchard I will have a look, it was the finance aspect I was involved in!

I think basically people are saying if you want to do it, do it. But everyone here's giving you great advice about keeping your eyes wide open to the consequences.
There's a great book "how not to f* them up", it covers different types of mums and going back to work - or not.

I like you made a big decision before my first baby was even born. I told everyone I would be back at work within five months as I was sure that's what I would want before the baby was born. But the reality was different. I would just wait and see how you feel. It's impossible for you to know what your life will be like post baby. I was then committed to returning and I was miserable. When I had dc no 2, I became a sahm, which was great for 3-4 years but then I really did need to go back to work again. Which surprised me given my feelings first time around.

My advice would be just to take one day at a time and not make the big decisions until you need to make them. Just enjoy your new baby and make decisions as you go along, not months or years in advance.

THIS: bit of your thread shouted at me the most... Listen to your gut feelings when they talk to you and don't set the next ten years into stone.

Definitely get a will sorted once the baby arrives.

Very soon I will be a SAHM, whenever I deliver likely to be within the next 7-10 days. Technically a housewife at the moment, although for most of this pregnancy I have been on bedrest.
I wouldn't be comfortable being so dependent on my DH if we aren't married.

Are you both in agreement about how finances are managed? How will bills be paid? How much will he be giving you weekly/monthly? Do you have a joint account? Will you both make mutral wills ASAP to make sure you both inherit the other half of the house should one of you die?
I would also see a solicitor about being legally recognised as being each others next of Kin.
These are all issues that need to be sorted out now.

One thing I would caution against is dipping into savings regularly just for living costs, paying 'your' half of holidays etc. I've seen a few women on MN over the years who have done this dewindling their savings and then ending up in dire straits when the relationship breaks down.

Wearing - That's exactly what we will be doing!

I would try to leave your options open. The reality can be very different to what you imagine it will be like. I wanted to be a SAHM for so long so I didn't worry about leaving myself a career or job to go back to, now I am and I just wish I had left myself an 'escape route'! That sounds bad, I don't mean it to, I'm sure you know what I mean! It's just that it's such a huge change and it's impossible to predict what it will actually be like. I was a bit unrealistic thinking I would be happy at home forever. Some people find that being at home all the time is not quite for them and their family after all (and that's fine) so options are always good. Lots of posters on here say they adore being at home, and lots say they prefer to return to work, so see how you feel. There is no right or wrong answer, you just need to do what is best for you and your family which may well be becoming a SAHM. I hope I'm not sounding too negative, I wish you the best of luck and hope you enjoy it!

I would definitely wait to decide - if you think you fancy being a SAHM it's good to plan for it, (it's what I thought I wanted) however after a year of childcare I was desperate to get away from DS for a few hours a day and work FT. I would have never ever guessed that would have been my choice!

Damnautocorrect I can't remember which company it is I get regular emails about recruiting women back into the workplace, but anyway i was goggling ernst and young to see if it was them and apparently they have targets for women there of 30% and their recruitment pages are covered with pictures of women so they might be a good one to go for.

Good luck

Mumbledore - Thanks for your post!
I can definitely appreciate as with anything the reality can be different to the expectation.
If I didn't enjoy it I would still have the option to go back to work with DP mum caring for the baby or private childcare.

Get a will now as otherwise (like me) 9 months done the line you still haven't followed up as time flew by. You can factor in your prospective child now.

I agree with Pp about not being too fixed now on a decision. I found the first 8 wks of my DS very hard. It gradually got easier. I now love being at home and am wavering about going back to work. I think in London most parents do work and therefore my current daytime social life would not be the same in 2 months. Social interaction is very important. Obviously I could make more friends though with a bit of effort.

Ultimately though, I've decided going back to work (hopefully 4 days a week) is the right balance for me at first. If I don't like it, I can resign but it is much harder to go the other way, ie resign now and then try to find a good well paid job in six months time (enough to cover trains and child care costs). Basically I see going back as the less permanent decision.

Carikey, bit negative some replies you've had!!

Okay, other things: it's good to get a support system of other parents going. Find out if there are post-natal groups going linked to your CCG, you usually meet a lot of other new mums there. NCT also runs antenatal groups, people often make their best baby/tot friends from these groups as all of you start a new chapter (and all this applies whether you go back to work or not). Find out about parent+toddler groups in your area, too. It helps to have a routine & structure for getting out & getting in person support with all the changes.

Find out about creches in your area for gyms or shopping; just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you shouldn't get some baby-free time sometimes. Nice thing about work is it's also paid baby free time.

I was a SAHM for 8 yrs & back to work 2 yrs now doing very similar work to what I was before.

and ps.. I definitely came back to work so that I could see less of my children.

Oh my gosh how doom and gloom are some posters today....!

I gave up a very high earning career to be a sahm and don't regret it for one second. I am married and I owned most of my house outright when I met dh so I had built up some equity (and he paid in as well so we are both equals) but seriously I hated work and have no desire whatsoever to ever work again unless I am dragged kicking and screaming and then I am quite prepared to do something entirely different just for financial purposes if we should need to. Dh earns a lot less (tons less!) than I used to but we manage and budget the best we can and both of us are much happier with me being home and running the house and managing all the kids stuff (we have two - one dd aged 12 and one ds 2.9).

If you want to do it go for it. Honestly. I think mumsnet can be very gloomy about being a sahm but there is absolutely more to life than money - and I say that as someone who has been divorced twice before and left high and dry with 26k of debt and a house I had to downsize dramatically and was made redundant at the same time!

Just ensure all property is in both your names and that you have equal spending money and equal access to all family money. Otherwise it isn't a fair partnership. But just go and do whatever makes you and your family happy.

I really didn't mean to be gloomy! There are many many upsides to being a SAHM, for example I get to take DD to her swimming lesson later, tomorrow we will go to a play session which both kids love and I love to watch them, I didn't get dressed long ago and this morning is on in a minute! It's just that I was a bit naive. Op sounds like she will be just fine. I genuinely hope everything well and I forgot to say congratulations!

If you aren't married don't even considerate it. Not enough protection in law. If you are then weigh up the pros and cons and decide what's right for you.

I would absolutely get married. I'm in my late thirties and I've seen many friends who we thought were really strong, loving couples break up. The stay at home mums get a very raw deal. One chap left his partner with three kids, one of whom was a newborn, and left her with 30k of debt of his as well. She's only just getting back on her feet now.
I also, very sadly, lost a good friend to cancer in his early thirties. He died before marrying his partner and she lost their house. It was awful for her.

If you can and want to be a SAHM then that's great - feminism fought for us to have choices. But please, please get hitched, or get your legal situation clarified and sealed. It's so important to be open and clear about what happens if things find, or God forbid, one of you gets sick. You have no common law rights at all in England !