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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable about brother and sil?

58 replies

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 20:22

I cant tell whether its because i'm 38 weeks pregnant or they are actually being unreasonable! I'm due in two weeks with my first dd and although i'm very excited my brother has just really annoyed me!

My sil has a non emergency operation on her knee booked 2 weeks after my due date (she broke it 18 months ago) and they suddenly announced they want to stay with my mum so she can look after her and my 6 month old niece. We had arranged that my mum would come (not stay all day but spend the evenings with us as we live very close) and help us get settled in and just generally be there to spend time with us for those special first few days with her grandaughter (she didnt have the chance to do this with my niece) . Obviously my due date might not be my actual big day and it could go as late as a day before sil would be arriving to stay with my mum, which would mean my mum would be too busy looking after them to come and stay with us like we had originally arranged. On top of this I found out my brother could take time off work but wants to save it for a holiday! I'm feeling really annoyed about this as it feels like they're being very demanding and selfish, my mum hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset anyone but I just can't believe they are putting us in this position! Its especially frustrating as my sil's mum came to stay with them for 3 weeks after my niece was born- I feel like I should have the same opportunity.

OP posts:

Liara · 10/01/2015 20:28

If the operation is on the NHS, then it is very unlikely they have a choice as to when it is booked.

Your baby will be a baby for a long time. Your dd could also be born tomorrow, in which case there would be a month for your mum to help you before she has to help your sil. Or she could help your sil for a couple of weeks and then come and help you.

Maybe your dh could take time off work to help you and then your mother come over when she is free?

I think you are being pretty unreasonable, actually, in your last statement. It is up to your mother to manage the various demands on her and, you know, she might actually welcome the opportunity to spend some time with your niece.

Liara · 10/01/2015 20:29

Sorry, not your last statement, when you say that you can't believe they are putting you in this position.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 10/01/2015 20:33

You are being unreasonable and you sound rather needy. Your DB and SIL and DM dont have to arrange their lives to suit yours. Maybe your DM understands that you may well benefit from time alone with your DC. You will, you know!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/01/2015 20:37

I'm afraid I think you do sound a bit unreasonable. Your DM can choose exactly how she wants to spend her time. Baby might come tomorrow, next week, 2 weeks time etc. Also you have no idea how you'll feel after the birth, you might decide you want to hole yourself up with your baby and not see anyone! If she lives close surely you'll see lots of her anyway? However view might be coloured by the fact that I don't have a single family member within 200 miles so didn't have and help at all at the beginning, and DM didn't meet DD until she was 2 weeks old and only for 3 hours!

TheScenicRoute · 10/01/2015 20:38

I would be upset to. Your brother should take the time off, or at least part of it and time share your mum. I want my mum early on, she won't be coming until the babies are 5 weeks old and my OH has gone back to work, but I am looking forward to that period. X

blackwidow74 · 10/01/2015 20:38

Can your mother not care for sister in law during day and hand the reins to your brother when he's home from work so she can come to you in the evenings as planned?

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 20:40

I didn't mention that my mum was the one who suggested coming to stay so its not like i'm forcing her to- its something that we had decided together early on in the pregnancy. The problem is mainly that my mum wants to be there for us as its quite normal for grannies to help for those first few days, they have not asked for help or discussed it but have demanded help when they have other options ( like my brother booking time off work to look after his family!)

OP posts:

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 10/01/2015 20:41

Yabu. If your SIL has a 6 month old she will NEED help after her operation. You will not need help. Nobody other than my DH has ever changed one of my DC's nappies or given us any help other than the odd hour of babysitting. We've had no problems with this. You won't either. I wouldn't want my DM or MIL hanging about when I'd just brought a baby home either. But regardless of what you would like, your SIL could not look after a 6 month old adequately without help after a knee operation so causing a fuss would be wrong.

Maybe you'll have your baby at a different time to her operation and all this won't matter.

ImperialBlether · 10/01/2015 20:45

Jimmy, how do you know the OP won't need help? Many people have emergency sections or forceps deliveries that cause problems. Just because you haven't had help with yours, it doesn't mean the OP won't.

Her brother could take holiday time to care for his wife but won't because he wants to save that for a holiday - frankly, I think that's selfish and he should be looking after his wife and child.

Holdthepage · 10/01/2015 20:46

I would have paid good money NOT to have my DM stay with me after any of my DC were born. Savour the time you will have alone with your baby.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 20:46

i also forgot to mention my sil and niece on staying for two weeks and my brother wouldnt be able to help in the evenings as they live 100 miles away

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 10/01/2015 20:56

Does seem rather odd - why isn't your SIL staying with her own DM - they presumably knew that your DM planned to be around to help you.

As for those saying 'I never had help' - that was your situation - the OP's is different and had been planned differently.

Would your DM say to your bro that you will be her priority, and if you need her support when SIL has her op, they'll need to make other arrangements? Not disputing that she will need help, but I'd be pretty unhappy with them too.

Liara · 10/01/2015 21:02

She's only staying for two weeks, you can have your mother the rest of the time, she'll have plenty of opportunity to play granny in the first year of your baby's life.

wonderstuff · 10/01/2015 21:10

I'd be annoyed in your shoes, and if I was your mum, but it's a tough call, because she will need help, she can't help that the op lands at the same time you're due, and I can understand your db wanting to save his time off for a holiday as well.

Your DH will presumably be around for the first couple of weeks, it may all work out fine, baby might come early or late and you may not want dm around as much as you think. I know I was expecting the newborn bit to be really hard, but actually it was mostly lovely.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2015 21:10

YABU

Cornberry · 10/01/2015 21:18

I'm surprised at how many comments say this is unreasonable. It depends on many factors of course but it's quite shocking I think that you sil, knowing your mother had arranged to be with you should ask to stay there when your brother should take the time off work or she should ask her mother? I would be livid if anyone dared ask my mum to babysit them the week I was due. She's your mother! It's not fair of your brother to put her in this situation but I have to say that birth trumps knee operation imo. And she's your mother!

tobytoes · 10/01/2015 21:20

I understand this feeling, when your pregnant you need to plan things and feel like you have some control over what's going to happen. You have made plans with your mother which you were looking forward to and now they've all been changed so I get why your upset. Things don't always go as planned anyway so maybe baby will come early or maybe baby will be really late in which case all will be well if she's only staying 2 weeks. Who knows, not worth stressing about IMHO, wait and see what happens

AmantesSuntAmentes · 10/01/2015 21:20

I'm feeling really annoyed about this as it feels like they're being very demanding and selfish, my mum hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset anyone but I just can't believe they are putting us in this position!

Projecting a load of ill feeling towards your brother and his family, for availing of your mothers help, just as you intend to do, seems really very silly and quite hypocritical. You can't decide for your brothers family, when in their lives is most appropriate for your sil to have her op, any more than they should be a able to decide when in your life it is appropriate for you to give birth.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 21:21

Obviously if they had no other options I would totally understand and I would just suck it up but both me and my mum was really looking forward to spending that time with her grand daughter as she didn't have the same opportunity with their daughter as they live far away and my sil's mum came to stay.

I think whats annoying me more is that my brother could take the time off work to help and he's prioritising saving up holiday time over our plans that were made 9 months ago. I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed that she comes on time/ early and I don't physically need help. On reflection I think maybe the birth of a child might be a bit more important than saving paid leave for a holiday but each to there own :-)

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/01/2015 21:25

But your DH will be off on paternity leave anyways. if you need your DMs help (and I dont really know why you would), then surely that can happen after your dh retirns to work.

How nice of your DM to offer the help to her DIL

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/01/2015 21:28

The birth of your child is more important to you than your brother's holiday, because the baby is so important to you, but your baby isn't as important to your brother as it is to you - he is prioritising time with his family, once his wife has recovered from her surgery, and that is the right decision for him.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 21:28

and tobytoes I think you might have hit the nail on the head! I'm usually really laid back and don't like to kick up a fuss but i feel like this is one of the few times its seems ok to be a bit selfish! Also the next few weeks hold a lot of unknowns so it would be nice to have one thing I can be sure of which was the support of the people closest to me. I'm sure everything will work out in the end I could just do with a port in a storm :-)

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 21:31

ThinkIveBeenHacked my mum didnt offer help they demanded it!

OP posts:

Trunkisareshite · 10/01/2015 21:35

I see why your annoyed but I think you are better off saving your mums help for when your DP goes back to work. The early days are for the parents and baby to bond IMO not extended family.

It is worth considering if your DP may feel pushed out by your attitude, it's is yours and DP's baby, not yours and your mums, irregardless of what your SIL did with her mum!

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 21:40

ThinkIveBeenHacked good advice!

OP posts:

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