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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable about brother and sil?

58 replies

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 20:22

I cant tell whether its because i'm 38 weeks pregnant or they are actually being unreasonable! I'm due in two weeks with my first dd and although i'm very excited my brother has just really annoyed me!

My sil has a non emergency operation on her knee booked 2 weeks after my due date (she broke it 18 months ago) and they suddenly announced they want to stay with my mum so she can look after her and my 6 month old niece. We had arranged that my mum would come (not stay all day but spend the evenings with us as we live very close) and help us get settled in and just generally be there to spend time with us for those special first few days with her grandaughter (she didnt have the chance to do this with my niece) . Obviously my due date might not be my actual big day and it could go as late as a day before sil would be arriving to stay with my mum, which would mean my mum would be too busy looking after them to come and stay with us like we had originally arranged. On top of this I found out my brother could take time off work but wants to save it for a holiday! I'm feeling really annoyed about this as it feels like they're being very demanding and selfish, my mum hates confrontation and doesn't want to upset anyone but I just can't believe they are putting us in this position! Its especially frustrating as my sil's mum came to stay with them for 3 weeks after my niece was born- I feel like I should have the same opportunity.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomip88 · 10/01/2015 21:43

Trunkisareshite I mean!

OP posts:

Allingoodfaith · 10/01/2015 23:32

I cant understand why new mums are expected to just get on with having a new baby. For some new mothers it can actually be quite hard time and that's with out having a traumatic labour or PD.

I wish I had more support after dd2, dp couldn't take time off work and I really struggled.

I don't think YABU

LAM1 · 10/01/2015 23:43

I had my knee operated on, I couldnt do anything for myself the first week. Literally getting out of bed, going to the loo, getting dressed was impossible one own. So there is no chance the SIL would be able to look after a 6 month old!! I had to have a month off work and was reliant on others for the first couple of weeks before I was s bit more mobile.
Guess it depends on whether it's NHS which she probably can't move or private there she would be able too.

ProveMeWrong · 10/01/2015 23:45

Why can't she go and stay at her own mum's house? Seems strange she even wants to stay with your mum unless it is her only option. I would have a word with your brother if I were you and let him know you need your mum abailable and can he please take at least a week off and share the burden.

ProveMeWrong · 10/01/2015 23:46

I agree save your mum's help for week 3 anyway when paternity is over and she will be fresh!

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 10/01/2015 23:54

The choice is entirely your mums

If she would rather stay with you then she can just say no to your brother and sil, so I think YABU to blame them when really it's down to your mum

Moreisnnogedag · 10/01/2015 23:55

I get this. My mom came for two weeks for ds1 and has booked annual leave for dc2's birth. I don't get this "you have to do it on your own" thing. My DH and I were very grateful for my moms help and reassurance during those early days. I'm really looking forward for her bring there for my second.

Also her dh should take time off - why does it have to impact her mil (and sil by extensions)??

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 11/01/2015 00:00

I don't understand why your dm hasn't just said sorry I can't help, I have already arranged to help Naomip?

Who just invites themselves to convalesce in someone else's home?!

TendonQueen · 11/01/2015 00:05

Yes, I think your mum has to put on her big girl pants here and say 'Sorry, I wish I could help but I have already agreed to stay with N then to help her out.' Why doesn't she feel she can do that? I think YANBU, by the way.

Ridingthestorm · 11/01/2015 10:17

Sometimes mums being there can have a detrimental effect on the family dynamics! I know this from experience.
When DS was born, my DH took a week paternity (the first weeks he went to work as I was in Hopsital recovering from an EMCS that was a life and death situation! DM came two weeks after the birth and unbeknownst to me, DH was feeling pushed out and felt useless when DM was here. Neither one had any intention of making the other feel unwelcome but DH needed time and ds lace to figure out fatherhood without his MIL being there. I was completely oblivious to it all.
I am not saying don't let your mum come, but it seems you are already expecting that you 'need' help in the evenings when in fact all you need is for you and your DH to adjust to life being parents and finding your own feet. You say you live close and if you are both struggling or having a hard time I am sure your DM would pop round for s few hours, with or without your SIL and niece, as I am sure by the time you are out and a few days after your SILs operation she would be able to cope for a couple of hours.
I think you are sounding needy (understandable if first time parents) but really you are not needing your mum's help at this stage. I know you arranged this with your DM nine months ago but changes can happen and sometimes you have to see things from a different perspective. Your SIL needs the help, at least in the first few days as she maybe immobile and looking after a six month old is more demanding than a newborn IMHO! Newborns sleep, cry, eat and poop. Six months old need attention as well as beings active and all the other newborn stuff as well.
I don't think you are BU feeling like you do, but you need to shrug your shoulders and accept that something and somebody more needy than you has cropped up. It sucks but like most people, you just have to get on with it.
PS: don't mean to sound rude, but it is common to feel the way you do at your gestation of pregnancy and really hard to be reasonable when you are faced with uncertainty, discomfort and quite frankly fed up with being pregnant.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/01/2015 10:28

I hate all this " you shouldn't need your mum's help" thing, and this idea that a new baby being born is necessarily the time for the nuclear family and not extended family. I personally wouldn't want my mother there, but that's because we dont get on!
You do want your mum around, and your mum wants that too. It's actually a fairly new idea that when a new baby comes a couple should be alone. In most parts of the world, the new mother is supposed to rest, and extended family do rally round, I think that's nice.
I think that if you brother could take leave, then that's what he should do.

Rustyzilla · 11/01/2015 10:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Is there a reason brother and SIL haven't even considered that you might need a bit of help? Why can't they stay with her mum? I think you are entitled to feel a bit miffed. And probably your mum feels torn as now she has both of her children requesting her help. Your brother shouldn't have put her in this position if there is an alternative. Hope you work it out OP.

Kahlua4me · 11/01/2015 11:00

Perhaps as you live so close to your mum, she will be able to help with both.

Will you go there during the day and then your mum is on hand to help when needed? As is dsil, who can offer advice as has recently been through the same.

Do you get on with db and dsil?

SilverStars · 11/01/2015 11:08

Your dh can take 2 weeks paternity leave and some annual leave as well so whilst he is off work you would not be on your own. The time you may appreciate your DM is when he is back at work and you are on your own, perhaps? Hopefully she can do that.

I guess I am just jealous, my Mum is dead and have no siblings to help or be jealous of and in laws not interested, so it is me and dh or just me. Just a phonecall a day for me would have been great.

Roseformeplease · 11/01/2015 11:14

Why can't they go to her Mum? What about your DH? Not sure without further information although I too would have run away very fast from anyone other than DH being there when babies were born.

Spadequeen · 11/01/2015 11:21

Am also wondering why she doesn't go to her mums, it does smack of being me me me on their part.

Your mum should have said, well ill help where I can but that is ops due date and I'm planning on being there

PregnantAndEngaged · 11/01/2015 11:31

I'd be upset too if I'm honest but that's not to say you're not being unreasonable. I'll be honest (don't want to come across as mean but as you are asking for honest opinions), I think you both sound just as selfish as each other and your poor mum probably doesn't know what to do because she doesn't want to 'favour' one situation over the other.

Original poster

Naomip88 · 11/01/2015 13:13

Thanks for all the advice! I've slept on it and I think I've realised that we will be fine!

I've come to the conclusion we are probably feeling quite vulnerable as first time parents with very little experience around babies and the knowledge my mum there who we both get on really well with was making us feel a bit more secure. We are dealing with a huge heap of unknowns that whilst exciting can also be very daunting and sometimes we make plans just so we feel we have a little control over the situation.

I understand that people have that '' well you'll just have to get on with it'' attitude but I think this a fairly new attitude; in most generations and cultures new parents are helped out quite a lot by extended family. Especially seeing as not only are you embarking on a whole new chapter of your life but you have also just popped a human out of your fandago which I imagine makes your body feel a bit weird too :-) . I think that isolating new parents to ''to get on with it'' is probably why more and more people suffer from pnd.

But we're grown ups so we will just have to get on with it and I'm sure we'll cope and it'll be scary, exciting and amazing! I think I was more hurt as even though I get on with brother and sil they have a tendency to be quite demanding and treat us a network of babysitters/ b&b's ( they don't visit my mum unless they need her to babysit for a nearby wedding etc) and whilst I understand that my sil will need lots of help, they have other options available and putting my mum (who wanted to be around with us) in this awkward position so close to the birth was a bit thoughtless and selfish of them. But I'm sure everything will work out in the end!

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 11/01/2015 13:36

YABU I'm afraid. First, it's your mum's decision. Looks like she feels SIL needs her help more - probably true, you really can't take care of a baby after knee surgery. In your case, your DH and you will both be there to take care of one baby, they are really not that difficult to handle. Your mum can always drop by, even if SIL is there.
As for saving time off for holidays - yes, your baby is more important than holidays for you, but not for your brother.

comeagainforbigfudge · 11/01/2015 13:49

Naomip88 just because your grown up doesn't mean that you can't ask for help!!

First rule when I'm teaching new staff is there is no shame in asking for help. (We can't know everything and if we did then why are there so many self help books/textbooks?)
Second rule.... no such thing as a daft question (much rather people ask than just pretend and muddle through and balls it up causing me more work)

I'm a ftm and although I'm not very close to my parents they will still be first port of call.

I would be hurt too, speak to your mum and make sure she knows any help from her will be greatly appreciated. And that you don't want her to feel she has to choose. She's only a phone call away etc.

I do think your brother should take his annual leave though. But at the same time her op might get cancelled as "non-emergency"

Good luck and don't let it get to you. Much more EXCITING things ahead

102030 · 11/01/2015 14:14

Sorry but yabu (but you are allowed to be )

I think it would be a shame if your brother took leave if your Mum doesn't mind looking after your SIL.

Surely if your Mum lives close by then you mum can pop over anyway. She could ring your nephew if need be.
If your DH is about I really don't think you will need much 'help' other than some reassurance. What type of things were you thinking that she would do for you? How long is your DH taking off - I think you might apriciate your mums time much more once your DH is back at work. Iyswim

I had my mum stay when I had my DC2, DC3 and DC4 as my DH didn't have any paternity leave and could have been away shortly before or after the births. It was lovely having her there but I think it's better to have just you, your partner and your DC for a little while after the birth other than short visits.

Having a knee operation with a 6 month old would be really hard. I wonder how much choice she was given for the the dates of the OP.

Anyway, good luck. You must be really excited. I'm sure it will all work out ok.

IvegotaCaveTroll · 13/01/2015 11:04

I do NOT think u are being unreasonable at all. I think your brother should be taking time of from work.

plantsitter · 13/01/2015 11:14

Your mum should make the decision. She's a person, not a commodity. If she has been looking forward to coming and spending time with you and the baby she needs to tell her son and DIL that. However if she wants to help her DIL then you'll just have to suck it up, just as you both will have to if she decides to book a Carribbean cruise for those dates instead.

Everyone on mumsnet manages a new first baby alone with 30 broken ribs and on a budget of £3.50 per week, but it seems less common in real life so don't worry about wanting/needing help - no kids to a baby IS a big leap for most people and you are right to want to prepare for it.

Bubba19alicia · 13/01/2015 11:28

Some of the comments on here are unnecessary and harsh! I definitely dont think you are being unreasonable, it's your mum and it was arranged prior to your sil op!

DizzyCow63 · 13/01/2015 11:53

I think you have had a harsh time here! Why can't SIL's own mum help?

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