Love him dearly but how on earth is he going to look after us?

[pippinleaf]

I had this vague hope that my wonderful husband might be able to take on more of the domestic reins in the time after the baby arrives for a while. Tonight I'm in agony with rib pain so he goes to get us chinese takeaway. He forgot my main so I ended up with noodles, no sauce or anything. I can't share his as I'm veggie and he's not.

So, because plain noodles are too dry to be in any way appetising, he gets a fish pie out of the fridge to cook for me. After waiting half an hour it turns out he put his cottage pie in the oven by mistake. So now he's got two dinners and I've still got none.

Sigh. He looks so dejected I can't be angry with him.

Please reassure me that men suddenly become useful once they're really needed?

All those saying the OPs DH will be a useless dad etc etc - have never made mistakes?

I read the title and OP as lighthearted and a OMG can you believe what happened with an eye roll tone.

OP (unless your new) you should know by now that unless you post that your DH works 12 hours shifts and does exactly 50% of all household chores and child care without ever needing to be asked - you should LTB!

No one has said anyone should leave their husbands except the OP! Which was a joke. (I think.)

I genuinely didn't think that my reaction to this thread would wind people up, I actually felt sorry for the OP. Have never come across so many people who tolerate/endorse picking up the domestic slack because their men just "don't see it"
Like I've said previously, if it works for you, great - it would make me unhappy, and tbh the OP didn't sound ecstatic about it in her original post either!

And no one said the OP's husband would be a useless dad, I said in a general sense that I thought domestic incompetence was not a good role model for young kids.

If you're a 'vegetarian who eats fish' then you aren't actually a vegetarian at all and you could eat any of the food he provided. Problem solved

How petty. And to think OP actually started this (lighthearted) thread looking for some camaraderie and support...

Gennz makes a valid point in her last post saying that if this dynamic works for the op (or others in the same situation) then there really isn't a problem. In the same vein if Gennz would be made unhappy in her relationships because of a situation like this then it's absolutely right that she shouldn't be in a relationship with this dynamic. But I assume that before committing to a long term relationship with someone people figure out if they are compatible domestically. Like I said in my previous post I knew about my husband forgetfulness when I chose to be in a relationship with him. For me it wasn't a deal breaker and I don't see it as an issue.

For those saying that when the newborn arrives the op's tolerance will change, well I can't speak for her but it wasn't an issue for me. Yes sometimes dh doesn't think about get dd dressed in the morning unless he is leaving the house with her but he thinks about other things to do with her. In my experience not noticing the Hoover needs doing doesn't mean he won't know he has to feed his child or change a dirty nappy. In the grand scheme of things he doesn't have to (and didn't) look after our child in the same way as I did as long as he looked after her well and she was safe and cared for. This is what work for us and I genuinely am happy with dh despite his natural forgetfulness. I can appreciate that this might not work for everybody, and that everybody's relationship is unique and we can't apply one size fit all theory to how relationships work and how people react to the same situation.

Btw, pippin as I said before I got the tone you were going for, eye roll and what's he like kind of amused/bemused light exasperation, it's the same attitude I have many times when faced with dh when he suddenly realises that he forgot something and he feels bad about it. The best for us is to just laugh it off and make sure he knows I know he didn't do it on purpose and not make him feel worse for it. He always does his best to fix the situation for me anyway so no harm done really (again this applies to my relationship with dh not saying everybody should think like this).

DH has cleaned the bedroom and changed the bed this morning while I have sat with my 33 weeks pregnant feet up. He has told me I look amazing, how much he loves me and made me breakfast. He is now off to do the shopping and take a 90+years old friend of ours with him and bring her back for lunch.

He holds down a very well paid job and has recently been promoted and identified as having potential to be a Deputy Head in the next couple of years.

However, here is my dilemma, he has loaded the dishwasher and put a dinner plate flat, face down in the top rack (again, despite me showing him how to load the dishwasher a number of times) thereby wasting lots of space and using electricity unecenomically.

I feel I should have the locks changed while he is out as (in Gennz words about him)

'he still can't reliably load a dishwasher. I mean WTAF, if that was an employment situation and you couldn't master a simple task after years of training, you'd be fired. The only logial conclusion is that these men cannot be bothered to do it/ do it properly because they know their nanny wife will do it for them'

To my horror a locksmith is not available until 4pm. I just don't know what to do. Must I pack my bags and LTB? Or is there any chance at all he might change and could possibly then be a role model for our baby???

What a decision!

Also ^^ to what Redrose said when I first read the op I thought this was going to be a funny 'been there' sort of thread.

I think you should fire him Lulu ;) LTB!!

I know in my head that is what I should do RedRose. I could put the plate in the bottom rack myself but I would then be falling into his trap of being his 'nanny wife'. Or I could ignore it and live with it. I do love him and he is so loving and kind and funny. But I am packing as we speak, I just can not let a man with these failings be the role model in my baby boy's life.

Decision made and what a weight off my mind that is! The future will be so much brighter now!

If some of us don't respond with a "light-hearted" eye roll and chuckle about how useless men are, the loveable, forgetful domestically inept darlings that they are, it's because threads like this come up EVERY SINGLE DAY. It gets really boring to read about how men, who can hold down jobs, drive, read, open a bank account, brush their teeth and remember their own address, date of birth and national insurance number - are seemingly incapable of ordering a Chinese takeaway correctly - or loading a dishwasher. It doesn't make them endearing - it makes them really fucking clichéd and annoying.

They CAN do these things. They just CHOOSE not to, and that's because they've got someone to do this for them, and that someone is you.

Brilliant lulu.

And well done all you ladies for being so perfect and having such perfect husbands.

I wish my husband was perfect!!

Isn't the point that your dh isn't going to wake up one day and say 'I really need to be proactive now the baby is here'

So you just need the conversation.

I have one of these too. Lets hope they improve!
Mine's currently unemployed (although a good redundancy package and some prospects so not too bad) and at home. So... housework done, dinner on the table? Nope! I came home from work last week and asked about dinner, "don't think there's anything in" hmmm.... ended up with Dominos. He does want to be helpful and has said so so I have decided that a clear list of jobs to be done which can be crossed off and added to might be the best way to go. Won't nag him about them too much though.

Not me Tondelayo, I can't be included in that. Fortunately, the locksmith had a cancellation and arrived whilst DH was out. Locks changed and I am sitting snug in the house, mistress of my own domain and no lo ger a 'nanny- wife'.

He called through the letter box 'Lu, Lu the door's locked' but I didn't answer.

He and our elderly friend have gone off in his car taking the bag of clothing and necessities I had left on the doorstep- with a note explaining his incompetence with the dishwasher has led to this and that I just can't allow our son to have him as the main male role model in his life. He did leave the week's shopping which he had packed very sensibly at the supermarket, freezer stuff in one bag, chilled in another, fruit and veg together etc.

I am enjoying the lunch he left cooking in the oven and will be loading the dishwasher myself after I have eaten. Life is already easier.

So... housework done, dinner on the table? Nope! I came home from work last week and asked about dinner, "don't think there's anything in" hmmm.... ended up with Dominos.

Blimey. Arent you embarassed that youve married someone who hasnt the wit to know that he'll need to eat at some point in the evening and so check the cupboards to see what he can make?

That isnt normal.

And well done all you ladies for being so perfect and having such perfect husbands.

Thanks! I have a FT well paid job, run a department, am a wonderful mother, am lovely, funny, caring, good-looking, don't beat up my husband or look at porn, AND I know how to load a dishwasher, order a Chinese takeaway, put on a load of washing and make an evening meal from scratch without requiring a list of instructions.

If I had a cock and balls I'd be worshipped as a God.

I havnt read the whole thread (looks like an argumenty one from the first page and I don't wana offend/argue) so sorry if iv missed something important. But my DP has some similarities to yours, perfectly capable, and has a good responsible job, works long hours and he lived alone when I met him and was the same then, leaves house work until it has built up beyond what I would, and then will randomly go on a huge mission and clean everything. He's also pretty forgetful, so if he goes out for more than 3 items hel write a list (he also does this at work) and clumsy, he's done plenty of things similar to your OP (tho he always realises and corrects it straight away, it's just human error) and he does do his fair share in other ways (I hate cooking, so he cooks more, I clean more).

But in answer to ur question, that hasn't changed now we have a baby (DS is now 9 weeks) he hasn't had a personality transplant, but he learnt how to do all the baby stuff with me and always makes sure DS has exactly what he needs, I.e washes and steralises stuff straight away, changes DS as soon as it's needed, and generally takes amazing care of him just as I do, without being asked or seeing it as not his job, don't get me wrong iv found DS with his vest on backwards before (should add this made no difference to DS, and I'm sure wev all almost put nappy on backwards when sleep deprived enough) and he's dropped a full freshly made bottle on the floor before and had to start all over again. But my point is here although he is still a little unorganised, clumsy and forgetful he is a brilliant dad and realised himself as soon as DS was here that taking care of him comes before everything else

some pictures need putting up now I've finished painting and dw just doesn't do it. She never puts out the bins, mows the lawn, or checks the tyre pressure on the car,

I do every single one of those things myself. My vagina doesnt seem to hinder me in any way.
So glad not to live in a home where people notice a thing needs doing and then walks on past it. How tiresome that must be for those who do.

Not equivalent at all. Cooking needs doing three times a day - how often do you need to check tire pressure?

OP, come back to this thread when your baby is around 4 months old and see if you feel quite so lighthearted.