Love him dearly but how on earth is he going to look after us?

[pippinleaf]

I had this vague hope that my wonderful husband might be able to take on more of the domestic reins in the time after the baby arrives for a while. Tonight I'm in agony with rib pain so he goes to get us chinese takeaway. He forgot my main so I ended up with noodles, no sauce or anything. I can't share his as I'm veggie and he's not.

So, because plain noodles are too dry to be in any way appetising, he gets a fish pie out of the fridge to cook for me. After waiting half an hour it turns out he put his cottage pie in the oven by mistake. So now he's got two dinners and I've still got none.

Sigh. He looks so dejected I can't be angry with him.

Please reassure me that men suddenly become useful once they're really needed?

Cross post

I was being tongue in cheek about the abusive etc comments. I don't really understand why you are all being so harsh. I'm very happy in my marriage and made a light comment about an evening which has gone comedically wrong and you have written my husband off. Ouch.

Sweet jesus. No we are not having a lovely husband competition, we are answering your question on whether the birth of a baby makes domestically incompetent men sort their shit out. The answer is no.

If it makes you feel any better, my husband left the back door wide open last night after cracking into my case of expensive wine that I bought for when I can finally get properly stuck in again when the baby arrives, so I mildly annoyed with him.

However he's just taken the dog for a walk & hasn't beaten me or texted any other women today so he may yet redeem himself.

If my dh forgot my main from the takeaway he would go back and get me one!

Well you should definitely leave him. Clearly he's an idiot.

Yes he'll be a fab dad. As long as he never has to feed the child

Look if you're happy with your set up pippin then it's no one else's business but your own. However you see time & again on her, plaintive posts from posters who have run round after their men and then get a shock when a baby arrives and the husbands/partner still behave like spoilt children & don't muck in and the effect is compounded by sleep deprivation and the wear & tear of child care, financial strain etc.

I think it can put real pressure on a relationship. I accept not everyone feels as strongly as I do, but I think it can create real resentment and have a really corrosive effect on reationship happiness.

I think you're being really unhelpful here. I don't know why you would want to make such unpleasant posts. I'm very happy with my marriage and my set up. I was merely sharing what I thought was a funny situation with you all. I now feel bullied. I'm leaving this thread.

Ermmm ok - tbh I actually thought my post above was conciliatory! Jeepers.

OP i'm not sure what help ypu wanted from your OP. it certainly didnt seem jokey or light hearted at all. A woman in agony ask her DH to sort dinner, he forgets her food! And then decides to cook something else she cant eat. In your second post you say how he has to be asked to do everything and doesnt do laundry, hoovering etc. you ask if he will change when baby is born.

I honestly dont think it's remotely funny tbh and in your shoes i would be genuinely worried about whether this was all you could expect from the person you trust to care for you and your child should you ever need it.

As i said, these threads are truly depressing. And they keep coming up time and time again. And always the woman comes back an says 'but he's a great dad/husband' and that she was only ranting. It becomes really wearing.

Gennz- I never said DH was domestically incompetent. He does washing, hoovers, cleans windows, dusts, tidies, changes the bed, does the car, shops, can bake, mostly cooks well although makes the odd bizarre concoction. OK he isn't great with loading the dishwasher but he does it.

He will be a fantastic role model for our son but not be ause he does those things- he treats me with love and respect, is kind to everyone, is thoughtful has good moral values and will always do his best for us.

Pippin was being light- hearyed about her DH, as was I wen I said I had spent 5 years training my DH.

What is your problem? You seem the most humourless of people or perhaps you are just having a bad night. That'll be you and your pal Catsarebastards. Your tone is bullying and dismissive of anyone but yourselves.

I'm off too. DH has just made a cup of tea and brought it up to bed for us- what a role model he will be!

What an unusual thread. Where am I being bullying? (In fact the OP told me my husband sounded like an idiot and that I should leave him, but I managed not throw a strop.) The responses that I (and my "mate" catsarebastard) have posted are only based on the info you & the OP have posted. Perhaps if you don't want negative comments passed on your partners, don't post negative info about them on the internet?

The OP's original post didn't sound light-hearted "please reassure me that men suddenly become useful when they're really needed" but given I'm soo humourless I obviously missed the joke .

Men who can't cook or clean or do anything domestically related without excessive training are not the norm in my experience so I do find it suprprising and depressing that its tolerated. But hey if it works for you guys good for you rather you than me

pippin your husband sounds much like mine. I asked myself similar questions before we had DD. He doesn't think to put a wash on, but he makes up for it in a million other ways and is an amazing dad to our 19 week old :) you should see her face light up when she sees her daddy.
I stayed in hospital for 2 nights and both mornings he brought me in an amazing breakfast and fresh fruit completely unexpectedly. He has been a huge support for breastfeeding and does more parenting than me at night despite working long days running his own business.
As I've discovered, when you are a new parent there are WAY more important things than putting the washing on. Your husband sounds like he knows what the important stuff is. Good luck with your baby x

Gosh! Some really tough bosses (I mean women) on this thread! Op your dh sounds great, okay so he didn't get the right food but in the grand scheme of things! Nobody is perfect.

I think the use of "bosses" is telling. Women should not be the boss of domestic arrangements and all this letting men off the hook for not being up for/able to do their share of basic domestic tasks leads to women having to do more of it and so being held back in other ways.

All the asking and explaining I have done to get dp to do his share and take responsibility is because I don't want the role of boss. I want him to do the dishes/bin/kitchen floor because they need doing because he's an adult, just as I do loads of things that need doing, in an equal and fair way. That doesn't mean it's inflexible or that you can't exchange favours so yes for example if we had a dog, I can see that lots of dog walking would be an important contribution.

The issue isn't who does exactly what, the issue is is it fair. Are you living with someone who does half the work and does it without having to be constantly nagged or huffing about or deliberately fucking it up? Because if not, you're being dealt an unfair hand like so many women are.

It's not funny at all, it's one of the front lines of gender inequality and it really matters because it is what keeps a lot of women down by making sure they are exhausted, always busy, have no time for themselves, and teach their sons and daughters that it's women's job to pick up all the slack, for evermore.

But failing to laugh it off doesn't mean I have no sense of humour. Just that I know when laughing it off is equivalent to shooting myself in the foot.

Glenn's and catsarebastards I like your posts on is thread and some even made me laugh! (in a hollow, miserable, gender-equal kind of way...)

Gennz sorry!

And it's great if you have a lovely, sweet bloke but I'm sorry, that doesn't actually cut it.

Would your dp/dh's work say, "he's a lovely man, he compliments his colleagues, he rubs our feet and doesn't even hit anyone or use the work computers to go on dating sites. He doesn't do any work unless asked, and always fucks it up and does it really badly, and everyone else has to sort out the mess and take on extra work, but he's lovely so top marks".

No. And actually, ducking out of his fair share and being incompetent, especially when you have dc, is not nice at all. It sentences you to a life of stress and fatigue and feeling like a slave.

Yes it's importan to me too Voyager and I guess I am humourless about it! It's not hard to learn a few basic domestic skills. I think it's quite patronising to assume men aren't capable of it! For all my MIL's many irritating special qualities she made sure DH could cook, & do the basics round the house. My FIL is really shit at everything cooking and cleaning related, in a determinedly misogynistic sort of way & I think she was determined that (my) DH wouldn't end up like him.

DH and I do the exact same job - (well we did until I went on mat leave 2 weeks ago) - why would it be okay for us to do the same work in paid employment, but for me come home and do a second unpaid domestic shift while he put his feet up?

Some people might enjoy the sense of taking charge of the house looking after a mere male, but I'm not one of them, and I would be very unhappy & resentful in a relationship like this, especially if I was also taking care of a tiny baby.

Pippin, I think they are being harsh too. My DH sounds like yours. He loves me dearly but it wouldn't very often occur to put washing on unless he saw a mile high mountain of it. He might not tidy up because he doesn't see mess in the same way I do. He'll do it if I ask but just doesn't seem to notice it, in the same way I don't notice when the bins need emptying ;)
My DH is always going out to the shop and forgetting the chocolate I asked him to get. He isn't an idiot he just is forgetful.... There's worse crimes ladies!

I think a loving, caring, kind man is MUCH more important that a domestic god. And despite how infuriating my DH can be sometimes I thanks my lucky stars for him every day. I hear about some relationships and I'm so glad I have mine. I get the impression you feel the same about your DH. Ignore all the harsh posts. No one knows what other peoples relationships are like.

See, I think a kind loving man and a man capable of doing laundry are not mutually incompatible qualities.

Pippin don't start a thread in any way critical or possible of being perceived as being critical of dh or dp unless you want to be told he's a bastard you should leave. That is the first rule of mumsnet.

Ps be glad you're not married to gennz or catsarebastards...
;) joke ladies....

I find it extraordinary that so many women have such low expectations of men.

Because of course women are perfect?

This thread has given me a laugh!

OP that is truly shit luck on missing out on two dinners in one night

Genz reading your post about your DH cocking up the duvet cover and your response was bang on. And of course made me smile in a yes, that's what I'd do way