Just found out I'm pregnant!

[twinkletoes2015]

Hello! I'm new here so forgive me as I'm not used to the slang and using forums.

I have recently found out that I am pregnant (just over 5 weeks). My boyfriend and I are very happy although it doesn't quite feel real yet as I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon as I was told I had endometriosis a few years ago.

We have only told my mum and my brother and sister in law which is where I hit a problem. My brother and his wife are going through fertility treatment (which I was unaware of) now my sister in law has cancelled all social plans with us and is very upset. Obviously I feel awful for them and their situation, does anyone have any advice about how we can go forward from this and not upset them further but also not feel like we have to hide things from them?

Thank you

Congratulations! Wonderful news.

I'm sure that's very hard for your SIL but seems a bit harsh to cancel plans on you! Hopefully she just needs a few days/weeks to come to terms with things, I do imagine it's difficult hearing about a close pg when you so want one yourself. But I'm also sure she would want you to be pleased for her if the roles were reversed so she does need to remember that.

Don't let it kill your excitement, maybe just give her a week and then try to be in touch again on something unrelated? I'm sure once the initial shock has worn off she will realise it's lovely news for you and that the right thing to do is share it with you. And hopefully it won't be long until she can join you

Thank you for your wise words.

My SIL and I are super close so it's hard on both sides at the minute. I've put the olive branch out there and suggested a catch up over lunch or something to have a talk/cry/moan when she feels ready.

It's very early days so obviously I've not told a lot of people but it's all I want to talk about to the people who do so I will try to rein that in with her.

My hormones probably aren't helping, I'm jumping for joy one minute then crying at adverts on telly the next!

If you're close then I'm sure she'll come round soon. I agree maybe try to not talk about it hugely in your first few meetings, although you also shouldn't feel like you can't mention it at all, that's not fair. Once you do meet up she'll probably be reassured that it's not going to be the main topic of conversation always and that will go a long way to soothing her feelings. It's a difficult situation for you all x

I went through fertility treatment so know how hard it can be, I'm sure it's just the shock of finding out your pregnant. Sometimes these announcements take a little bit if getting used to but I'm sure she will come round once she is used to the idea. Be gentle on her, everyone reacts differently to these things.

Congratulations :)

Thank you for your response, it's helpful to hear from someone who has been there. I know she will come round and everything will be okay. Her reaction just came as a shock to me and it hurt a little to be honest

She may just need to focus on her to get through the ivf process.
Also it wouldnt be the best time for her to be discussing your new baby and any meet up would bring it up.

The other thing is, having been through ivf i couldnt imagine having the confidence to announce at only 5 wks. Just because it all feels so uncertain.

My DSis just had a baby and i still dont feel like seeing it even though i just got a bfp myself, im just not ready (plus they are in another country so i can avoid).
As i just need to focus on what i need to do to progress this pregnancy.
I also feel unreasonably angry at anything that stresses me out as i know it can affect your hormones.
Dont get upset about it, hopefully their treatment will work and they wont be far behind you.

I really hope so too. They will be great parents.

I wasn't intending on telling them so soon, I was kind of put in a situation where I had to tell them. No one else other that my boyfriend and mum knows as it's very early days and I know sometimes things happen. All I can do is look after myself and hope for the best

Congrats! Please join us in the Antenatal Club board, the 'I spy a DC in July' thread!

Update on the SIL situation, she is still saying insensitive and is making my life hell to be honest. The barrage of abuse I received at work this morning resulted in me being sent home in floods of tears. Nothing I say or do is working, we socialise in the same circles so I gave her a heads up that I would be at something she will be and if was told that was patronising! I really feel for her but she is really upsetting me now and I don't want or need the stress but I also don't want to become a recluse just to avoid making social situations difficult for her.

Any advice or an ear to bend would be greatly appreciated x

If she's going out of her way to be mean/rude then that just isn't ok. Just because she is very unfortunately having problems ttc it doesn't mean that you're not allowed a frigging baby until she has one. Does she have form for this sort of behaviour?
If she is rebuffing your efforts at sensitivity i would stop them as they may be making her feel more entitled to them than she is. Even though you mix in same circles I would back off (though still go to things) and let her sort herself out. Can you talk to your brother about this? He should be sympathetic to you as well as your wife. My dh wouldn't allow me to be rude to his sister, rightly so.
Perhaps you could send her an email or similar calmly saying that you're sorry this is difficult for her and perhaps it's best she's in touch with you when she's able to be. Yes this must be awful for her but you have a right to your own life and a right to not be treated rudely. If she thinks she can treat you that way, you need to make it clear that actually, she can't.
Sorry your good news is being received this way

Hi Twinkletoes, big congratulations on your BFP.
Obviously I don't know the full story so I don't want you to think I'm saying you have done anything insensitive (as I'm not at all). I just wanted to give you a bit more perspective from the infertility point of view. I have ttc for over 5 years and have had lots of fertility treatment.

In that time I have had 6 nephews from both sides of our family born. I can honestly say it's the pregnancies closest to me that have been the hardest to deal with. I must admit after my IVF failed and I had a miscarriage the announcement that my DSis was expecting absolutely killed me. I could not be around her and did not even see her when she was pregnant. It's hard to explain, I wished her well, I wasn't jealous and I wanted it to all go well for her but I was hurting so bad I wasn't myself anymore. I barely went out or even saw any of my friends. Luckily our relationship survived as my DSis is a saint and really supported me, despite going through a tough pregnancy.

I don't think it's fair that your SIL had been abusive to you as that is totally out of order in my opinion regardless of what she is going through. That said she may be in a very dark place at the minute and not be acting like herself. I can assure you infertility changes you and not for the better! Is there any way you can talk to her or even your brother to clear the air? If not I would just keep your distance and I'm sure over time she will regret her outburst and try to make it up to you

OP I have been on both sides of this situation, it's hard. A couple months after I miscarried my brother told me him and his gf were pregnant! I couldn't see them at a family get together a week later it was too hard. I felt so jealous but I just couldn't be around them because I know my attitude would have ruined their day of telling the whole family and I didn't want to do that.

A month later I found out I was pregnant again and we told my partners brother and wife and they informed us they had just (two weeks ago) went through a MC and they ended up leaving straight away. I felt like SHIT. As I know how it felt to be on the other foot. It Is a tough situation but no one is in the 'wrong'. You can't help how you feel! It is fantastic news for you are your partner but it might just be a few weeks for your SIL to save face and have a bit of a pity party, like I did!! I'm sure everything will be fine soon!!

I completely understand how she is feeling and I am more than sympathetic to her, but no matter what I say do or do is wrong, she let slip that she had told her friends about me being pregnant which forced a reaction out of me so we had a screaming/crying match earlier which seems to have helped in a weird way. We've agreed to keep out each other's way for a few weeks whilst emotions are raw then go from there.

My brother has been stuck in the middle bless him, SIL has accused him of taking my 'side', I wasn't aware there was sides to be taken but at the minute she is being very irrational. She also has quite a long history of mental illness and past drug abuse which she has recovered from but I really think she needs to speak to someone.

Stressed is not the word

Thanks for everyone's well wishes though

Oh twinkle she shouldn't have told people you were pregnant that's not fair. Your brother does sound like he has a tough time but I'm sure things will work out eventually :)