I can't cope :(

[Louise990]

I posted on here a few days ago and I hate to have to post again but I'm struggling beyond belief. I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and one week ago today I stupidly kissed my boyfriend when he was drinking a can of beer. It completely slipped my mind that he had a drink at the time. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol during my pregnancy and now I feel like it's all ruined. I feel sick to my stomach and can't see how I'm going to get through these next few weeks.

I never ever wanted to have any involvement with alcohol when pregnant and although I know that no alcohol was ingested, I just can't cope knowing that I was stupid enough to kiss him when he'd had a drink.

What would you have done in my situation?

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow but I don't know what to do until then.

This is why you need to tell her. In the nicest way, we can't help you. Because we can tell you a thousand times that someone without OCD would not have given it a second thought, but your illness is turning it into a 'thing' and making you crave the reassurance again and again.

Please tell her.

I was also going to say, if you think it might be hard to say out loud, you could try writing it down before you see her.

She won't be disappointed. I know this for a FACT because you have done nothing that could possibly disappoint her. What she will be is sad that you are struggling so much and want to find a way to help.

I tend to agree with Cheryl here. Much as we would love to, I don't think we can give you the reassurance you need. That's not because we don't care, but because we are literally unable to.

You are not well and you need looking after by people who will know what to do. Can you get an emergency GP appointment if you feel you can't talk to the midwife?

But you have not made any mistake. You have not let yourself down. Nothing is happening except the fear in your mind.

God, I feel so sad for you. I really do.

Why can't I make sense of this? Why am I unable to see this like other people do?

I desperately just want to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and look forward to my baby but I can't do this now. I have so much to do in preparation for the baby's arrival but I've just given up because it's all ruined in my mind.

I keep thinking about how I would feel now and how great everything would be if it wasn't for what happened. I don't understand why I deserve to feel so anxious and awful all the time. There's no relief from it.

What scares me the most is that there's not even enough time for me to recover from this before the baby is born. I feel so sorry for my poor little baby for having a mother like me. All I ever wanted was the best for her and everything's such a mess.

Back when I was in 2nd trimester I used to dream about how happy and excited I would feel when I reached this stage of pregnancy - the final few weeks. I never in a million years expected to feel like this.

Why the hell did I kiss him.

Louise, it's irrelevant whether you tell the midwife what you've 'done' or not. She'll tell you there's no problem - of course she will, you know that. But her reassurance won't help you any more than your boyfriend's, your dad's or all the people on here. You might feel better for a little while, but it won't fix anything. The anxiety will come back, and worse.

What you definitely need to tell the midwife is that you're having intrusive, obsessive thoughts, that you're desperately unhappy and scared, and that your therapist hasn't helped. Ask her for help, not reassurance.

^^ This x 1000

You need some respite from this. You need a doctor. Tell your midwife you are unable to function, you are terrified and miserable and you need help. Don't get bogged down in the kiss/alcohol thing, it's a red herring.

Yes, yes exactly. Sorry if I wasn't clear but that was what I was trying to say too. Not that you need to tell the MW what happened Louise, but that you need to tell her about how you are feeling and your symptoms.

I will be honest with my midwife and tell her how I've been feeling.

Is it true that any other pregnant woman wouldn't even give this a second thought?

Louise nobody, even if they were staunchly anti-alcohol in pregnancy, would have worried about the kiss. I would venture a guess that 99.9% of pregnant ladies wouldn't even made the connection in their brains between the kiss and the beer.

Does that help? Do you think that in another hour it will still help? I am worried that you can't see the wood for the trees. You are seeking reassurance but, as someone said, it's almost like an addiction. You get a little hit and then it fades and you need another. This is because the kiss/alcohol thing isn't (as we've all said) the issue.

Louise, asking that question IS the problem. Asking it again and again IS the OCD behaviour here. I'm really sorry, but you need to stop asking it. No matter how many people reply here, it won't help you feel better, not in the long run.

Usually when I'm in a state of obsessive panic like I am with this, reassurance does actually help me. I've had similar incidents like this before, not involving alcohol, and usually when I've spoken to someone about it enough or heard it from my midwife then I can calm down and let it go. I'm not just saying that so people will keep 'feeding' my anxiety but nothing else works for me.

You're right in saying I can't see the wood for the trees and it is like an addiction. But for the sake of my mental health and for the sake of the health of my baby, if reassurance can get me out of this mess I'm in then I will be eternally grateful. I could literally have this conversation over and over again and not get bored because it brings me relief. It usually fades once I've received enough reassurance to be able to start believing it myself.

I don't feel like I have enough time to be practicing the stuff my therapist has told me because it just isn't working for me. She doesn't understand me.

Then you need to tell your midwife how you feel about the therapy and that it isn't working. You really do.

Cobo I appreciate what you're saying but I do understand that it's not going to make me better in the long run - the long run is not my concern here because there isn't enough time. What I need is to nip this particular obsession in the bud and try to practice getting better when I'm in a stronger position to do so. I'm in no fit state to be torturing myself by shutting myself off from other people. If I can reduce my stress and anxiety levels by gaining reassurance, then surely this is better for my baby. Once she's here and no longer connected to me and being impacted by dangerous stress and anxiety hormones, then I will definitely take medication and do anything in my will to fight this b***d. Please excuse my language.

But the trouble is, if you ask for reassurance enough times that it eventually makes you feel better, what you're really doing is telling yourself that this is a real problem that requires reassurance. You're feeding the loop. Next time, you'll crave that reassurance even more. You've said yourself that this time it's worse than it has been before - yes, it will be, because before you've used reassurance like a drug your brain craves. The more you use drugs, the more you want them and the less effect they have.

Reassurance can't get you out of this mess. A hundred people saying the same thing might eventually make this attack fade, but what about when something happens tomorrow? You accidentally touch a glass that's had alcohol in, or something else? It'll just be worse, you'll need to ask for reassurance more times. And the time after that will be worse.

I know this, because I've gone through these cycles myself. Not to the extent of pain you're suffering, but I recognise the patterns very well.

Why do you say you don't have enough time to practice the techniques your therapist suggested?

I don't have enough time because my baby is due to be born in the next 3-4 weeks? All she suggested is writing down my worst fear and analysing it to the point where my anxiety starts to fade - this isn't enough for me. She then proceeded to read a children's book to me called 'Scaredy Squirrel' that they use to treat children with anxiety. It's patronising and unhelpful.

I honestly do understand what you're saying about craving reassurance and it becoming less effective over time. And yes, if this one faded then it could well be that something else sets me off tomorrow or the day after that but the fact that this one involves alcohol is truly sending me over the edge. My mum was an alcoholic and died so I really can't have these thoughts in my mind when I should be looking forward to my baby.

Your therapist doesn't sound very helpful, I agree!

Time doesn't really play a part in this though - your stress and anxiety aren't hurting your baby, they're hurting you. Your baby is floating around in there completely oblivious to all this. These are thought patterns that your brain is prone to, and they're not going to go away. It's a case of using techniques to control them and minimise their impact, not to banish them. (If only it was that easy!)

Have you tried the writing down thing? It sounds simplistic, but it will gradually start to help.

Ok.
You did not ingest any alcohol at all.
Therefore there is absolutely NO medical danger to your baby.
I don't really see how 100s of us repeatedly telling you this will help.
But...
There is absolutely NO medical danger to your baby from brushing the lips of someone who has had an alcoholic drink.
Alcohol evaporates in the air.
There would be no alcohol left on his lips.
All you did was smell it.
That will not harm your baby.
X

Louise, I can't help with the OCD but I am teetotal. I don't drink at all and have 2 children. My dh has a few beers at a weekend and I have kissed him lots of times, while pregnant after he's had a drink. I never gave it a thought and I have 2 beautiful perfect dds. I know your OCD is causing this but honestly, a non-OCD person wouldn't even give tgis a thought!

You know what, though?
I'm the last few weeks your hormos are raging too - so much more than they were before.
In the last few weeks you expect things that normally wouldn't bother you to feel like the end of the world.
Add your OCD onto that and you've got one hell of a worry!
Please believe me when I tell you this will pass.
When I was in my last few weeks, I spent a lot of time exploding at the slightest thing.

That's all this is - your ocd is talking to your raging pregnancy hormones and taking over the show.
It's natural to worry - you're making a whole human being here, but you will not injure your child on any way at all by kissing your boyfriend.

Once she's here and no longer connected to me and being impacted by dangerous stress and anxiety hormones

She isn't.
Another thing to chat to a MEDICAL expert (not online, we've already seen a non expert on a previous post put their foot in it) about.

Your OCD hurts you not your baby. You deserve to feel well. You need good mental health care.

Take it from a fellow loony.
My main (rational) worry is once my baby's born, I never want to raise a nervous child because I 'caught' my anxiety from an ill older relative who raised me with learned anxious behaviour (they were of the era where such things weren't spoken of or treated... THANKFULLY it's different now). Plus, I hate being anxious. It sucks. It drains you and ruins your life- you know this. Just because you'll soon be a mum doesn't mean you deserve to put up with that.
So I do my CBT and my hypnotherapy and my yoga like a good girl.
...if they stopped working, I would be down my GP like a shot.

Nickelbabe has very wise words too. My 3rd trimester hormones have caused my glands to swell up. Yours might be causing your OCD to swell up too!
Broken record time: speak to your HCP!! And possibly mention your therapist and her stupid unhelpful squirrel book. I'm sorry if someone read a kid's book to me I would need assessing for anger management as well as anxiety!!!!

My sister developed quite bad OCD after she was raped and it took a long time, and she will never be free of that pattern of thinking entirely, but she has turned it into a strength: she obsesses over her studies, she focuses very intently on what she has done well and succeeded in, and is very organised. This has become a positive channelling of her energies.

Similarly, my germ phobic OCD friend has overcome a lot of her condition by focusing positively on her child and what he can do/is doing rather than listing/obsessing over what she as a parent has not done. Ie my son has done this well, therefore a) he is happy and developing and b) I must be ok. She still struggles with illness/ infection phobias but has managed to see how her son having experiences is an important an fulfilling part of his life. But both my sister and friend had to engage in a lot of CBT and take on a lot of extra support, which was very hard for them to accept. However, as their family an friend, i was never prouder than when they took that help - I admired and continue to admire them greatly, as I am sure your family would if you went down a similar path. I hope you find a way through this.

My mum drank a g and t every week as she was working a 70 hour week and my dad had just left her high and dry. I have just received my PhD, I'm pretty damn good looking, and a successful sportsperson. The good parenting helped me get there and the weekly gin and tonic did not hinder my development as a foetus or a child, nor did it stop my mum from being a good parent. You need some CBT to reprogramme your thoughts. You will become a terrible parent if you obsess on tiny little details rather than the many good things you can and do provide as a parent, because you will be a slave to your OCD rather than a parent to your child. Perhaps you could begin by writing a list of all the positive things you have done this pregnancy? E.g. Appropriate weight gain, keeping fit gently, not smoking, not taking drugs,not drinking (you haven't drunk! You touched lips with someone who has already swallowed the drink), you've prepared your birth plan, you've bought the things you need for your baby. Can you marshal your obsessive thinking and retrain it to focus on positive thoughts? Could you make a beautiful poster for your baby's room that is a list of all your pregnancy achievements to support a change in thinking?

I think that's a reasonable point - as far as I am aware there aren't any conclusive studies showing that stress can harm a foetus directly (happy to be corrected if I'm wrong) so please don't pile anxiety onto anxiety by thinking you could be harming your DD - that's a very vicious circle.

That said, there is plenty of evidence that intense/consistent stress can harm you mentally and physically so you need to take care of yourself. As someone else said, if this was a physical illness you would be going back to your HCP and asking for further help.

How did it go with the midwife OP?

Well I don't wish to speak too soon but I'm actually starting to feel much better.

My midwife came round and I was really anxious about telling her at first but eventually I explained everything. She understood what I was saying in the sense that the 'issue' is very real to me but she also had a look on her face as though to say that this isn't an issue at all and definitely not something to be concerned about. Just sitting with her and talking to her helped a lot and I felt myself calming down pretty much straight away.

I asked her if she would kiss her husband whilst pregnant if he was drinking beer and she said 'yes, why wouldn't you?' and that I should kiss him more often! She said even if I kissed him when he was blind drunk, it wouldn't make a difference as no alcohol can be passed to me or the baby and asked what I could possibly get from kissing someone who was sipping a can of beer.

Although I've been told a million times and had reassurance from my boyfriend etc., hearing it come from her mouth made a big difference and we even joked about it. I did stress how much it affected me and how severe my anxiety has been and I'm going to try and change my therapist and see someone who understands what I need a bit better than my current one does.

I've kissed my boyfriend countless times and I've probably even kissed him in the past when he's been drinking and I've been pregnant but simply not realised that it was an issue because it really isn't one. It was simply a kiss and whether he was drinking a can of beer, a cup of coffee or a glass of milk at the time - the details are irrelevant. The only way it would be a slight problem is if I could smell the beer as I kissed him and it made me feel nauseous but due to the fact that I know for certain that I didn't smell or taste a thing, there is no issue here whatsoever.

I know it seems like there has been a drastic change in the way I'm seeing things in just a space of a few hours but I'm trying to think positive. I haven't made a full recovery and I'm still very anxious but the dark cloud is starting to lift slightly and I'm starting to see it the way others see it.

A lot of people have been kind enough to respond to my many posts on this issue and have offered reassurance, advice, help and support - all of which, I am so grateful for. It's amazing how kind and friendly people I have never met and probably never will meet can be in times of need like this one.

Some people have (understandably) missed the point and told me that they've had the odd glass of wine or shandy during pregnancy, or had a glass of champagne on special occasions and that small amounts of alcohol/drinking is OK in pregnancy. I understand that there is a shortage of evidence stating whether this is the case or not but personally I wouldn't touch a drop and can now see that I still have not touched a drop. I'm not saying that those who do drink are wrong or not good mothers, it's just a very strong personal preference.

Many others have shared their experiences of anxiety/OCD and it's awful to know that there are other people out there suffering but it's also a relief to know that I'm not alone in my battle against the cruel nature of this disorder. It's attempted on several occasions to take the joy away from what should be the happiest time of my life and I'm not going to allow it anymore.

It's picked out many things to torture me with but this time it's been alcohol which is a very sore subject for me and I could tell that my OCD was just waiting to get it's hands on the tiniest detail it possibly could that involved drinking. Fortunately for me the story did involve alcohol on this occasion but not on my part. My boyfriend drinking is not the same as me drinking - far from it.

My OCD is now telling me that I'm kidding myself and that I can't get over it but I'm going to be strong and fight it.