I can't cope :(

[Louise990]

I posted on here a few days ago and I hate to have to post again but I'm struggling beyond belief. I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and one week ago today I stupidly kissed my boyfriend when he was drinking a can of beer. It completely slipped my mind that he had a drink at the time. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol during my pregnancy and now I feel like it's all ruined. I feel sick to my stomach and can't see how I'm going to get through these next few weeks.

I never ever wanted to have any involvement with alcohol when pregnant and although I know that no alcohol was ingested, I just can't cope knowing that I was stupid enough to kiss him when he'd had a drink.

What would you have done in my situation?

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow but I don't know what to do until then.

I have had three children. I have had the odd glass of wine in pregnancy.

I know lots of women with children. I have seen many, many of them kiss their partners whilst their partners were drinking alcohol. I have never given it a second thought and don't believe they have either.

This really is your anxiety talking. I hope your team can give you some help. You maybe need to step up your support? Good luck, I have a friend with OCD and it is such a joy-sapping illness.

You haven't done anything wrong. That will not harm your baby.
I had many a snog with my beery dh when pg.

I also had anxiety when pg and know that I fretted about all kinds of things I had eaten. Remember its your anxiety talking and your fears are not reality.

I'm sure your midwife wouldn't mind a quick call to reassure you.

hang in there. You're nearly there!

Op I don't have OCD so I'm sorry I can't understand what you're goin through but I will say as a pregnant woman, this would never have crossed my mind in 100 years as being an issue at all. Literally nothing happened and it would never have occurred to me (whether I have a drink or not) that it would have 'tainted' the pregnancy. Really hope you get some help from your therapist soon and can start to see that this really doesn't need to be something to worry over. There's enough for you to worry about without your OCD adding to it!

I would knowingly kiss my partner whilst he was drinking, during my pregnancy. I did so whilst pregnant and I had fairly major anxiety at the time, about keeping the baby safe. I would not, however, have drunk any alcohol.

This is coming from someone with sometimes severe anxiety. You have done nothing wrong in the slightest.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you come out of it soon. It's a shame for you. I hope you get some perspective soon and realise you have nothing to worry about or regret in relation to this.

Have you tried natal hypnotherapy? It really helped me stay calm during pregnancy and helped me have a calm birth. It was just a CD I listened to regularly but made a world of difference.

Xx

Louise, I promise you that you didn't make a mistake.

you didn't.

you did not ingest any alcohol (even if you had, it would have been nowhere near enough to nake a difference the baby or even to you) Instances of foetal alcohol syndrome are very rare, and the vast majority of them involve alcohol consumption in the first trimester.
and lots of it.
you kissed your oh, who you love very much.
this is a good thing and good for you and the baby (happy hormones)
worrying about it is the ocd talking, and you have to think positively from now.
new start, right? nothing before this moment matters.
clean slate.
your baby is very lucky that you are taking such good care of it.
you didn't make a mistake, byt even if you hsd (which you haven't), it would have been inconsequential.
now think about your oen health and think positive thoughts.

Thank you so much for your replies. It's really comforting to know that lots (if not all) of you would not have given it a second thought. My OCD has twisted the reality of this situation and made it into something that I can't make sense of. It's absolutely terrifying. I love my baby so much and I would never in a million years do anything that could possibly harm her but my anxiety is making me feel like scum just because I kissed my boyfriend and her father.

Before my anxiety became so out of control like it has been over these last few weeks, I can't imagine ever seeing an issue with what I'm panicking about now. I'm pretty sure I must have kissed him in the past when he's had a drink whilst I've been pregnant and it obviously didn't even register in my mind. I'm not sure.

I really do want a new start and to put this behind me but it's so tough.

I really feel for you :(

Maybe you should start looking at this in a different way. No matter how many people tell you that it is fine and that you won't have done any harm (which is true, just to re-iterate), your OCD will not believe it. So you need to trick it, re-train it to think differently about the image of yourself and your pregnancy.

Perhaps (and not only for your pregnancy but as preparation for being a mummy) changing the parameters of what you see as a perfect pregnancy and trying to merge them with the image of a happy one, could be a start. Striving for perfection in pregnancy and then motherhood is honestly an unachievable goal and may just serve to worsen your anxiety. Striving for happiness however, is hopefully much easier but you mustn't confuse happiness with perfection. You have clearly suffered with this debilitating illness for some time, so you no doubt know all this already!

I'm probably talking tosh, it's late for me!

And just in case it reassures you, I never touched alcohol when pg but did kiss DH when he had and never thought anything of it. In fact, sister did have the odd spritzer when she was pg and I didn't think anything of that either!

I was more concerned about the huge quantities of Wotsits that seemed to pass my lips in the last few weeks. Neither did DS any harm. Although come to think of it, he was jaundiced... I never made the link to the Wotsits before!!

Hi Louise. :) You are reassurance seeking here, as you say in an earlier post. That's why you've started two threads about this, because it's a way of getting a lot of people to reassure you that it's all OK. But reassurance is addictive, and a short-term hit. Everyone who replies and tells you that what you did is not a problem is (inadvertently and with good intentions) feeding this cycle. You need to stop asking (on here, your boyfriend, your dad) and face the fact that not asking is going to be really painful for you. But that pain is the OCD, and it does need to be faced.

The 'error' here is the connection your brain has made between complete avoidance of alcohol and success / safety. Your brain has created a ritualised loop for itself, but the loop is an error, like a computer bug. If you can encourage yourself to identify this connection (no alcohol = safety) as the mistake, it takes the power away from the loop.

Hi Louise, I have read the other posts and agree with them and also that of squizita and I have to agree, if it helps for perspective, so far I have avoided alcohol. If I kissed my hubby when he had been drinking, in fact he had at the weekend and I probably did kiss him before bed, I would not have thought it a mistake and I would not regret it.
I am not sure if that is what you are wanting to here as reassurance or not?

Are you able to do the tapping that sweatpea suggested? I have been doing this with my therapist for anxiety related issues and panic attacks and I did find it helped to calm me down when I was feeling anxious. I also try to write positve affirmations to try and control what the brain is saying, take away the anxious thoughts and replace them with positive ones.
Mine are things like: I am strong and confident, everything is fine
Maybe you could have, I am a good mum and my baby is healthy and fine, I have not ruined things everything is ok.
Write them down and repeat them when needed.

Hope you start to feel better soon

Oh good grief....some of these answers! They amount to "don't worry, we all make mistakes". WTF? Where is the mistake here? The implication is that Louise has, indeed, made a mistake. Of course she bloody hasn't. FFS.

Louise, step aside a second...I would like a word with your OCD.

This is NOT a mistake. It's not even an event. There is no way in the world that kissing someone who has been drinking alcohol can have the tiniest, vaguest effect on either you or your baby. Even the most vocal anti-alcohol in pregnancy spokespeople would struggle to understand the issue here. You have made no mistake. You have done nothing wrong. This is a non-event.

Louise, this is your OCD talking and it has a very loud voice, eh? Impossible to ignore. Don't try to ignore it, it'll just talk louder so confront it, laugh in it's face and tell it that it's wrong. Because it is - it knows fuck all about anything.

Talk to your therapist tomorrow but know that this is A NON EVENT and you are being lied to by your intrusive, OCD thoughts.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant. I had two glasses of rose on Friday during a long 4 course lunch with plenty of water. I feel absolutely fine about it. I also had sushi for lunch yesterday. Baby is doing great, (I get scanned every 4 weeks) and currently kicking me in the ribs.

There's probably more alcohol in hand sanitiser than your DH had on his lips.

It strikes me from your post "I haven't touched a drop of alcohol during my pregnancy and now I feel like it's all ruined." that there's no logical connection between the supposed alcohol ingestion and harm to your baby (because of course there isn't a connection) - your concern seems to be more around keeping a "perfect" pregnancy track record. (I hope that's not an insensitive observation).

Louise YES I do. In the same way if I asked you "I checked the plugs were switched off 6 times last night, do you honestly think most people would check once or not realise 5 is the right number?" You and most non anxious/OCD people would say "Duh! You don't even need to check if there's nothing in them!"

Honestly! My DH smokes out the back door as I won't let it in the house. If he forgot to close it or I forgot to check for 10 min or whatever it would only be an issue in my mind. Not in reality.

Helena yep I have had similar when I got into an obsession with kick counting! People half reading and telling me to go to hospital for reduced movement (over 20 mins- I was checking I was being rational).
For that reason I'm now really wary of "am I overreacting" posting now... people assume all questions are rational and answer them sometimes in a triggering way!

I just woke up and I'm feeling absolutely terrible. My boyfriend has gone back to work today after having a week off and I feel so alone and terrified. I genuinely can't see a way out of this. Even though I know I didn't consume or ingest any alcohol I just feel like a complete failure for kissing my boyfriend when he had. I wiped my mouth immediately after I'd kissed him but I still can't get over it.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and due to have my beautiful baby in a few weeks and I truly can't believe that I feel like this. There are no words to describe how bad I feel. I'm never going to get past this.

I've had other worries which have felt as bad as this at the time but this one involves alcohol so it's a million times worse.

I'm so scared and upset :(

You are going to get through this and feel better. Can you call your therapist and explain it's an urgent case? This is you feeling unwell. If you had an appointment another day for a tummy bug but the sickness got worse, you'd call.
Do the same for your OCD.

You're seeing your therapist today aren't you?

Yeah but she can't change what happened. I saw her the day after this happened and she didn't help me so I'm not holding my breath. I can't believe I've ruined everything. I can't see a way forward.

Hi Louise. Sorry you're feeling awful still.

This is going to sound harsh, but might you be better off staying away from mumsnet and trying to keep yourself occupied until you can see your therapist again? It just strikes me that you are looking for some kind of reassurance here that isn't going to come. Not because people don't want to help you (or think you've done anything wrong!) but because the OCD is the problem here - it's nothing to do with the kiss. We could (and most have) say "there's no chance you've harmed your baby" and "it wouldn't even have crossed my mind" but I am not sure that is ever going to make you feel better?

Nobody begrudges chatting on here, of course, so if you want to keep talking there will be people here to talk to. But it does seem like you are going over the same ground looking for a satisfactory response and one isn't coming.

Sending positive thoughts to you. I am sure your therapist will help more than we are.

Sorry - cross posts. If your therapist isn't helping and you are crippled with this anxiety, you need to go to whoever is leading your care (midwife? consultant?) or a & e. If you feel that you are in crisis, you must tell them.

You really do need to tell your therapist that your work with her isn't helping. And if necessary speak to your mw for another referral to something/someone else.

You haven't ruined everything, but you are unwell and you need real life help to get better.

My midwife is coming round to see me this afternoon but I'm scared to tell her what I've done in case she's disappointed in me.

She won't be. Because you haven't done anything - which you know. You absolutely must tell her because you seem really unwell and you need a proper intervention to help.

You need to tell her. Also that you asked like 100 people on the Web because you're obsessing. Honestly she won't be disappointed but will be worried your OCD has hit you so hard! Tell her the guilt and checking: that's the medical issue here, you're unwell and she can help.

I want to stop using forums but I feel so alone and I can't cope with my own thoughts. How will I ever get past this? Everyone around me seems so normal and fine, but I'm just drowning.

I understand, and if you feel like using forums is helping, then fine. But it has to be combined with proper medical help. It sounds like this is, at best, ruining the last few weeks of your pregnancy and, at worst, this level of anxiety could be harmful to you physically. Please don't downplay it when the mw comes - ask for help and at least consider whatever your healthcarers recommend, even if that is medication. (Sorry, I know none of that is what you want to hear)