MIL wants to bring baby home from hospital..

[Elizabeth120914]

MIL has just informed me that she's booked two weeks off work to 'help' with baby and she's going to be there to bring her home.. It takes 3 apparently and she will be giving me breaks from the baby...!!!

Don't tell me it's nice she's a control freak who has already tried to stop me breast feeding and take over everything. OH is having no time off at all so il be home alone with her and she lives just down the road.

I asked her to look after the dog ffs!! She has a key now and can 'come and go'.

I have no relationship with my useless mother or family so there's no one to back her off and my friends are 40 miles away.

Because of OHs shit planning she is also going to have to bring him to the hospital the LAST place I wanted her..

My blood pressure is going thought the f'ing roof right now!!

Ps we are 32 and 35 not 18 and apparently quite intelligent so I'm sure can manage!! Arrgggghhh dim whit has just agreed and now she's over the moon someone shoot me

Locked eyes lol!!

I feel a bit sorry for him because we are both strong characters he's slightly more scared I think of MIL but terrified of me and MIL at war as is FIL I think maybe I need to threaten to set her straight..

She's now on about bringing dsd to hospital so she can be at home when we get back! Our hospitals policy is 6 hours then discharged for a normal birth so what's the point? I'm not looking after her too and having a stroppy teenager whose kept up too the whole thing is bonkers.

We normally have EOW contact if dsd was my daughter who lived with us I would ask MIL to have her overnight after a brief visit bonkers!! Maybe she's hoping il have a breakdown so she can get rid of me!

I think she doesn't want to live until September...!

Nightmare! I really feel for you.

My ex mil was great. She just come round cleaned the house , did shopping trips, brought food. Then I'd get in bath and have a sleep while she had dd1.

Mil just brought her family and friends round one by one, expected me to jump up and make brews while they just come to hold dd2 . Which I wouldn't have minded so much if I knew they were there to see me too, they wasn't.

Mil would just come in and reach in to take dd2 of me or fuss and talk loudly near her bassinet to wake her up.

I ended up going over board and telling her off once infront of done distant fucking relative I've never heard off while they stood loitering near the front door.

She caught me hiding from her once too ha ha ha.

Seriously shoulders back and stand your ground. X

Lol caught hiding!! She's already making a list of her friends who I don't know this is why she wants to take the baby out on her own as if anyone does that with a newborn how ridiculous!

Could you afford to hire yourself a doula for a few days, just for the support?

Hadn't thought about that.. I expect that would cause a MIL riot as it destroys the excuse that we want to be on our own. Might have a look at the cost tho thanks for the suggestion!

Tell you husband to man the fuck up and tell her to back the FUCK off. Otherwise, you will be doing so in two days time, and you won't worry about choosing your words.

I am furious that you husband is putting you in this situation. What a fucking coward.

There's a page for mother In laws!! How funny if get destroyed!!

Good god she sounds overbearing. I agree you need to nip this in the bud. Quickly.

Rather than having it out with her as a negative kind of 'you're not doing this' chat I'd keep it all a positive 'this is what I intend to do and I'll ask for your help as we need it. You'll get cuddles but we'll be making the parenting decisions'.

Your H needs to get on board in making it clear that you don't want to exclude her but she needs to back off a bit.

My MIL was sooooo over bearing with our first. Pretty bad with second too but first was a complete nightmare, she essentially moved in and took over the house.

I know that she thought she was being helpful but I really just wanted to be left alone with my baby. She would call a few times a day (lives 5 min walk away), phone and text inbetween. She would start cleaning and rearranging too which I know another person might appreciate but it used to have me in tears, I found it such an invasion of my privacy.

When we were expecting DC2 I was a little more prepared; I batch cooked meals in advance so that I didn't 'need' her to call over with meals. I asked my family to chip in a little more (not possible for you I know) but until then she had a free run of my house, she backed off a bit when she saw my mum here.
I sent her a thank you card and present when dc2 was 6 weeks or so, I think I worded it to politely say thank you for your help over the last 6 weeks but strongly hinted that we were ok from now on.
Another thing I did was visit HER at home and say 'See you Saturday' or something similar.

I KNOW they mean well but mine left me anxious and it was affecting my mental health. DH was more than useless, he insisted that she was only trying to help and that she would back off after a few weeks, as she had done with all her grandchildren.

I'm due DC3 in a few weeks and I think if mil is calling or offering help I will ask her to take DC 1 & 2 to her house or out. I don't want or need any help with baby and I'll be breastfeeding (which she haaaaaaates).

I know I probably sound ungrateful but I would go as far as saying that woman ruined the first few weeks of my motherhood for me .

I know the obvious answer is to be truthful with them but I couldn't be, she is very sensitive and easily offended. I really think it might have resulted in her never visiting us again and I couldn't bear to put dh in that situation.

The easiest and quickest way to sort this is to cause WW3. Because she will get over it and toe the line, because she will want to see the baby.

-You will NOT be handing over the baby to anyone for any more than short periods. It's YOUR baby.

-No one will be letting themselves into the house

• She will not be welcome to come and stay over for more than short visits, you will be resting, feeding and having private time with YOUR baby.

• If she doesn't like it, you are more than willing to go apeshit and ban her and anyone else who tries to tell you how to be a mother with your OWN BABY.

And as for your OH taking the path of least resistance - well, that's easy. You just make sure that the path of least resistance is upsetting his mother, NOT upsetting you. If he even thinks of siding with her over what you want when you've just given birth, he'll be out of your house and back in hers faster than his feet can touch the floor. And you'll have his key off him too and the pair of them can keep each other company.

GO. APESHIT.
It is honestly the easiest and quickest way back to family harmony. That's family harmony, with mum in charge of her own home and her own baby :)

castlemilk I think apeshit might be just so therapeutic!! The idea of dumping him back on her somewhat appeals too that would be her worst nightmare maybe they should have some quality time together to bond and leave me with the baby!!

Can't believe how common this is it's barmy these women seem to have a built in insensitivity chip! She was picking a new kitchen and she dismissed every opinion we gave even on the brochure but thinks she can run my house it's laughable!!

She will cut her nose off she's so stupid she will just fall out with us all which js what OH is afraid of I might need to put that thought at the front if his mind!

As I said before she's not bought one thing for the baby after making ww3 because I wouldn't let her pick and buy the nursery stuff or pram I'm such a bitch I wanted to do my own shopping for my first and probably only child il be evil again I feel it brewing!! OH did finally tell her no on that front but then it was 10 weeks so a little premature!!

In my opinion, having someone take your newborn out and about whilst you sleep is bloody terrific, however, if she's a nightmare then you need to say a polite 'no thank you'. I do not understand people who allow folks to invade their space and then moan about it. Speak your mind. Be gracious. Be kind. Be firm. It really is that simple.

May I place mark? I'm only 9 weeks and mil has started already

foodiemum3 you are no bitch if I told her what I felt she would never speak to any of us again! Her own child ended up living with his grandparents she was such a success and as for OH and dsd they haven't done so well there either they have essentially made him her brother for years butting into that one too so she doesn't deserve kindness really at all and definitely not a degree in good parenting !

pistolwhipped she has taken dsd and not phoned and been 4 hours late I don't trust her to come back when she says and it panics me she runs totally on her own agenda if she was of any use that's one thing but I sat up till midnight waiting for a child she promised to return at 9 who was only 10 at the time so she's shot herself in the foot!

ohforfoxache I feel ur pain this started when she found out at five weeks it's been hell all along ...

Please nip this in the bud now. You are going to be so tired and hormonal it's just going to be a recipe for disaster.

I have quite a controlling mum who normally I can brush off and tell her to pack it in. She came to stay hours after DS was born, it was a joint decision and I honestly believed everything would be alright.

Before the birth I knew she was neither here nor there when it came to breast feeding but it turned out she was quite anti it. I struggled to get breast feeding established, she was really putting pressure on me to formula feed. She made me feel very uncomfortable - I am a private person and I found it easier to feed with my boobs hanging out, I took myself and DS into my bedroom to feed, she followed us in and ignored my requests to leave. Eventually I gave up and decided to formula feed (anything for a quiet life). I thought she would be happy about that but no now she wanted input in what formula we fed him. She had a hissy fit when she realised that we already had a tub of formula in the cupboard that we hadn't discussed with her first. Unfortunately DS didn't get on with that formula, so DP and I decided to try a different one. DP was just about to go to the supermarket to buy when she said she would go over. She bought the one she thought we should have rather than the one we asked for. I could not be bothered to argue with her, my main concern was to get milk into DS, so we just gave it to him.

She was very pushy about other things too such as when and what to wean DS on. What clothes he wear on Christmas Day. Requests to keep him up later than his normal bedtime even though it was blatantly obvious he was knackered. As time went on I stood up to her more and more, I lost my temper with her so many times because she would accept no for an answer. DS is now 5, and mine and my mum's relationship is back to how it was before DS came along but it took along time and I don't think I will ever properly get over her behaviour during the DS's baby/toddler years.

You don't know how long your labour is going to last or how tired both you and your DH are going to be, plus any complications that you are going to suffer from afterwards. You do not know how much sleep your newborn is going to allow you both to have. You do not need someone coming in and disrespecting you wishes, having to have repeated conversations because they won't accept this is the way you are doing it. Your DH needs to have strong words with his mother about not pressuring you into ANYTHING. She needs to accept this is your baby not hers. And get the bloody keys back.

Good luck.

I've already had a battle resulting in mil declaring "well of course this is our first grandson" (no, that's not a typo ) This was in front of my own mum as well - this will also be her first gc. I just know it's only going to get worse - bizarre as she couldn't give a shit about us ordinarily

Your baby, your house, your rules. Kick your DH into line.

That said, I had my Mum stay for the first few weeks when DD1 was born and she was a lifesaver. Especially as she likes getting up early. I would feed DD and go back to sleep. Also, as my mum lives in Oz I was quite happy to hand over DD as much as possible. I had plenty of time just us two alone when she left.

We asked my MIL to come for DD2s birth but she decided instead to come stay in the middle of a major kitchen extension when we barely have room for her (our spare room is filled with kitchen things). Her loss as we are not going to Oz anytime soon with two small children so it is likely she won't meet DD2 until she is a couple of years old.

Oh god :( what are these people's problem maybe they should adopt or get a pet? Clearly they have a big hole in their lives that they are trying to fill! It's freaky do they not get they are just pushing you away.. ??

OP, did you read the second half of my post?

Yes I'm going to have words need to get her alone I think ..